"I Won't Marry Him. Should I Date Him Anyway?"

Rachel, you are there?

Yes, I am. I'm here.

Thank the Lord. I am so excited to have you on. I would love to know your question.

I met a guy, and he's. I met him randomly, and we went on a date, and it was fantastic. It was actually unexpectedly, a really good date. And he's not Jewish. And I. At the end of the day, I know that I want to end up with someone that's Jewish. And I know religion can always be a touchy subject, but I was having such a good time that I didn't want to ruin it with talking about that. He did ask me if I would date someone that wasn't Jewish, and I said that I had, but I didn't get into the, you know, the specifics of how at the end of the day, I do want to end up with someone that's Jewish.

So you didn't say. Oh, you didn't say, ultimately, I will dump you, however.

Right. Because I was enjoying it. And the truth is, this could be one date. It could be, you know, two or a month. Like, I don't know. So I didn't want to just end it, you know, this is an intention.

Interesting one, because we can. We can start at many depths here. The first, the deepest one. If we wanted to start there would be just how. Just how certain are you that you will. That you must and will marry a Jewish man? Is that something?

Yes.

So, you know, you're set on that.

I know. Yes, I am. I'm very certain on that.

Okay, so if you know, you're certain on that, what would be the purpose. What would be the motivation right now of dating this gentleman who is not Jewish?

Just to have another experience and to, you know, to enjoy myself and I learn about myself even more. I don't know. I think that it's important to, you know, to put yourself out there and to date different people.

But I'm really glad. I'm really glad to hear you say that. I. I'm really glad to hear you say that. I mean, it will. It certainly is gonna equal a lot more pain for you.

Yes.

But I am glad to hear you say it. This is really. This is really. In this. Rachel. This call became more interesting than I even thought. Let's. Let's think out loud, shall we? Let's do an Ed Sheeran right now. I. I think this is really tough because I actually agree with you. I'm all about experiences in life. I want to live my life in a way that allows me to squeeze as much juice out of it as possible. I want to experience everything, even the stuff that I'm going to get judged for. I want to, I want to do things that allow me to say, yeah, I did that. Yeah, I tried that. Yeah, that was interesting. Yeah, I learned about myself there. But very often in life when we decide to go for the experiences route, we come out with more bruises and more scars. We come out a little more weathered and that's okay. But you have to be prepared for that. Because the reality is if you decide to carry on with a guy like this and, and have fun, which you will, of course, in the short term, you'll have an incredible time, I'm sure, and it will be in it. And ironically and frustratingly, it will become even slightly more fun because you know that it's not going anywhere. You will also have the pain at the end of it because the reality is you may get a little too close for comfort with this guy. See, you may end up really liking this guy. It's strange. But because you think it's not going anywhere, you'll probably allow yourself to get even closer to this person. You'll allow yourself to be more vulnerable and you'll just, you'll be so carefree that you'll end up really enjoying yourself. And then you might get really close to him. And then when you're really close to him, what is a superficial dilemma right now? In other words, right now it feels like the dilemma is do I carry on dating this guy who's, you know, who I like or do I, you know, get rid of him now because I know I'm not going to end up with him. That's a far more superficial and light hearted dilemma than the one that could happen three months from now or five months from now or a year from now where you say, you're then calling me and saying, matt, I'm in love with this guy. I'm in love with this guy. And I, and I, and I know I won't break my rule of marrying a Jewish man, but I'm in love with this guy. And it's now I'm going through this utter torment and heart ache because I'm letting go of someone I love for this idea I have in my head of what I'm supposed to do. That's, that's a much tougher place to be. So I can't possibly tell you that you shouldn't go for this guy. As someone who also throws themselves into experiences and loves having them, I can't tell you that. But I can at least forewarn you if you do get close to this guy, which if you're having a good time, will inevitably happen.

Right.

You are potentially setting yourself up for much more pain down the line. Unless of course, you, you truly can just carefree in a detached way, have fun and sleep with this guy and get close to him and let go without any feeling at the end of it. But that's unbelievably uncommon amongst healthy minded people.

But, you know, it was one date and I'll see where it goes. But like, at what point do I, you know, say that that's something that's important to me or do I just see how I feel?

I would possibly say if you know for certain, if you didn't tell me you knew for certain, I would tell you something different. If you really know for certain, the next time around I would tell that guy at the point that you were talking about it. I would say, you know, I do, I do honestly see myself marrying a Jewish guy. I do see myself long term being with someone who's Jewish. I think that's probably appropriate at that stage rather than giving someone the idea that you might be changeable.

Right.

So for this time around, I would first find out what he's looking for.

Okay.

I would find, you know, I would talk to him about like, what, you know, what, what is it you're. You want in your life right now? Like, are you looking to be long term with somebody? I'm not saying me, but are you looking to find someone long term? Are you looking to just have fun and play the field? If you're honest with guys, they'll often tell you they're like, if you ask them the honest question, they'll give you the honest answer. Many women complain that when, well, he wasn't honest. Well, you never asked. Right. Most, most guys are pretty honest when asked that question like that. And then if he says, well, yeah, I am looking for someone and you can say, well, I, you know, I, I only ask because the, the truth is I really enjoy your company and I'm having fun with you. But I also know that probably I wouldn't, I will never be able to overcome my idea that I'm supposed to be with a Jewish man and I'm having fun with you right now. But it just, you know, that that kind of is something that is important to me long term.

He needs to manage his expectations with me.

Yeah, Abs, absolutely, absolutely. That's fair to him. And if it were the other way around, any woman would say, the same that she would want to know that before she starts to invest her feelings and get too close to someone. At least then he can put you in a certain category so that both of you can say to each other, we're both just having fun.

Okay?

Without any false expectations. But if you're. If you're truly. You know, I'm always. I'm always skeptical of. You know, I know I've been in many situations before where I've told myself I'm just having fun. And then once I'm in it, all of a sudden that shifts. So just be honest with yourself. I know that from where you're standing right now, it may feel like, oh, this is just fun. It's not going anywhere. So I'm just going to have fun with it. That's fine. But just really be brutal with yourself and say, okay, but if I'm. If I'm honest, could there be a lot of pain down the line for me here? And if there is and you still want to do it, do it right. At least then you go in informed. But don't let it catch you off guard.

Okay, well, thank you very much for the advice. It was very good advice.

Thanks, Rachel. It was a pleasure. And thank you for such an honest question. I think it was a great topic. So I appreciate you bringing that to me.

Thank you for talking to me.

All right, take care.

Bye.

Thank you all for listening as well. This has been love life. Come join me on Facebook, facebook.com forward/coach, Matthew Hussey. And by the way, call in if you have. If you have a question. I don't care what it's about. It could be about your love life. Could be about your work life, your personal life, your family life, whatever. Call in and let us know. The number is 844-20462 double eight. That's 844204. Matt with two T's.

I'll see you soon, Sam.