If Someone Hurt You or BETRAYED Your Trust, WATCH THIS | Matthew Hussey

So you have to decide whether this guy is worth trusting 100%.

She then proceeded to ask for a screenshot of the text conversation that he was having with whoever he was having it with.

I'm not just gonna tell you it won't happen again. Let me tell you why this will never happen again.

Yeah, so I was just curious. Me and my boyfriend have been together for three years and recently we've just been having lots of problems arguing a lot. And I was just wondering when you thought, or how do you know when it's exactly the right time to break up? What's the way to do it and how to best get over it?

Yeah, it's, I feel like sometimes a new problem arises in a relationship and we start thinking, is this the right relationship? And that's when we start asking questions for the first time about whether we should really be with this person.

Right.

Something we should be cautious of is when we keep going over the same logic again and again and again. In other words, the questions you're asking yourself are not new questions, but they're recurring themes that come from somewhere much deeper. If you're with somebody and you find yourself asking the same question again and again about whether you're right for each other, it typically isn't a good sign. You hear this from people all the time, right? If it's the right person, you'll know. You'll feel something different. You'll feel a different sense of certainty. Now, I think that that's somewhat of an oversimplification, but I think at the same time, there is that cold hard reality that if I'm constantly questioning this thing, if I'm constantly asking myself, is this the right person? Then it probably means there's a level of difficulty about this relationship. that means it's not right. That means this isn't the person that I am supposed to be with or the person that is worth committing to at this stage. So what for you and your relationship right now, what's the thing that's holding that's making you feel like this might not be right?

We've just been fighting about like everything, everything that he does or I do, we just seem to like go at it. I don't know what the deeper issue is. I just, like, little things now are just building up. Like, I saw you like a girl's Facebook picture. Why'd you do that? Like, stupid, really stupid things. And we've kind of just decided that this will be the last shot. We both kind of agreed, like, we'll give it the last chance and see what happens. But that's just, you know, I don't know.

Do you feel like the issues that are coming up between you are things that are going to go away? Or do you think these are recurring issues? Are there deeper trust issues right now?

There's probably deeper trust issues, yeah.

And is that based on something he's done or just something you're afraid he'll do?

Kind of what I'm afraid of, I guess.

Okay, so there's no evidence for your distrust?

Not really, I don't think so. That's what I don't know. I guess I don't trust him in general. When I see that, I just assume things that maybe I should assume. Regardless if he says that it's not happening or if it's happening.

But you, but why don't you trust him? Because, because, is it, is it really true that there's never been any evidence that has made you distrust him?

No, I definitely, I think he's talked to girls before. And then I don't think it went anywhere. It was like necessarily lead it to cheating. But just the fact that I knew that or saw that hurt me.

You saw it in person or through messages?

Through messages.

Okay, so you saw messages, what, on his phone that he was talking to other women?

Yes.

Okay, and in a way that you found to be inappropriate for your relationship?

Yeah, it wasn't necessarily anything horrible, but I just didn't think it was right.

And did he lie to you about it?

No, he told me. When I found out, he told me, I mean, I had asked a couple of times and he kind of just didn't say anything, but then when I found out, obviously he told me the truth and everything.

So you asked him if he was talking to certain people. He said no. And then you checked his phone and. And you found out he was right.

Correct.

Okay, so there's. There is evidence for the distrust, right?

Yeah, that stems from it. Yeah.

Right.

What you have to decide is the type of relationship that you fundamentally want to be in. What level of honesty do I want? from the person that I'm with. And what level of trust do I want to give somebody that I'm with? Sure. And both of those things are relevant because one of them is not controllable by you. You can't control whether this person lies to you or not. You can only control whether you stay with somebody when they're lying to you. What you can control is the level of trust. that you give somebody, but there are certain relationships where giving all of your trust is a losing battle. Because you know that there are reasons not to trust this person and part of you instinctively feels like whatever is happening now will happen again.

Right.

And that's frightening. So you have to decide whether this guy is worth trusting 100%.

Sure.

And if his actions have meant that you cannot trust him 100% and you can't give that standard that you want to give in a relationship, then it's time to leave. Because then you're not being who you want to be in the relationship. Does that make sense?

That makes 100% sense.

Trust me, nothing will make you sleep better at night than being the person you want to be in a relationship. Right. And right now, it's not just that he's perhaps doing something you don't like, it's that you're being a person you don't like as well. Because you don't like being the person.

That'S going through his phone. Yeah, I'm crazy.

I don't like that at all. I'm never like that. No, you don't have that moment where.

You go through his phone and then.

Sit there proud of yourself, do you? Yeah, I know. It's the worst. Right. So that comes with a certain amount of self resentment, self loathing, because you don't like what you're actually doing now. Sometimes the trust issue is on your side, right? I'm not saying it is in this case, but sometimes we need to trust more. But we also need to put ourselves in a relationship where it's easy to trust, where it's easy to let go and be with that person. And if you're someone already who is feeling those trust issues, then you know you're not in a relationship where it's easy to trust necessarily, especially since he's given you reasons not to trust.

Sure.

So here would be my advice to you. You either have to say, I know I can't trust the way I want to in this relationship. So let's you and I take our go our separate ways for now. And if we come back, it will be from a place of mutual trust and respect. If I'm going to be in this, and if you decide, right, I'm going to give this one last shot, then you go in it and you Let him know this is where I stand. I don't want to be anything less than a trusting, loving partner. And I know I'm not being that when I'm going through your phone or when I'm disrespecting your privacy in order to find things out. That's not who I want to be. But I need to know that I can 100% trust you and that you're in this. And if you're not, then tell me now. And that's absolutely fine. If you can't be, if you're in a stage of your life where you can't be trustworthy, in the way that I need you to be. That's fine. I respect it and I respect the honesty and let's go our separate ways for now. But let's not torture each other. I don't want to be the woman torturing you by you feeling like you're dating a detective. And I don't want you to be the guy who is torturing me because you're giving me reasons not to trust you. That's a poisonous relationship. I don't want to be in that kind of relationship. So let's you and me make a decision now as adults. I like that.

Sound good?

No, that's awesome. I mean, that's exactly what we've been trying to do. So I don't like exactly what you said, how I don't want to be that person either. And I'd be perfectly fine if it was a mutual decision to go separate ways and see what happens.

So here's what you have to do. Don't rely on him to be the grown-up you'd be the grown-up for the both of you and go and have a really adult conversation and you're going.

To feel so much better, I promise you. Hey guys, Matthew Hussey here. Jameson here, I thought you were gonna introduce me.

Was I supposed to introduce you?

We're tag teaming this because we work so well together.

It's like we've finished each other's breakfasts. We just finished our members session where for an hour we Q&A'd with our fans. Fast track members. If you don't know how to become a member, by the way, click the link here or at the end of the video.

I'm gonna pop it up all over the place. It's a great link.

But there was something very interesting that happened during that webinar.

We had a caller call in. She'd been in a relationship for three and a half years and there was this moment where she thought her boyfriend was possibly being unfaithful.

He basically went away on vacation for a couple of weeks. Or no, he was on a work trip for a couple of weeks. And she essentially, long story short, received a couple of messages on her phone that were from him but were not intended for her.

The message was something like, LOL, a little aggressive for me. Ha ha ha.

Yeah.

Something like that, where it could be completely innocuous, but imagine receiving a text like that from your significant other. Horrible.

Well, actually, here's the horrible part. What happened next was she wrote back and said, you know, clearly those weren't meant for me. And she then proceeded to ask for a screenshot of the text conversation that he was having with whoever he was having it with. He said it was with a male work colleague who was late for breakfast or something. which by the way may be true, I'm not putting any judgment on this situation right now, we're coming as to it from complete outside perspectives, but here's what concerned me. She asked for screenshots of the messages. He then said, you should trust me, and if you need me to send a screenshot that's about your insecurity, and I don't wanna feed that insecurity, this is a lesson you need to learn, and I'm not going to send you the screenshots, because it's better for you that I don't. It's better for your insecurity that I don't feed it. And I heard this and this lovely woman was, you know, she really didn't know what to do. She said, Do I just accept that and move on? Or should I be frustrated or angry at that? Here's how I broke it down for her because there are many people out there who will be facing some similar situation to this. If you're in a relationship and you're coming with past baggage from a previous relationship, maybe someone cheated on you, maybe someone gave you cause to constantly be insecure and jealous, and that is something you've not fully gotten over. In your new relationship.

It'S not your.

Partner'S responsibility to take on all of that baggage. If you're going through your partner's phone and investigating them. If you're prying all the time, if you're constantly trying to look for something that isn't there, that's not your partner's fault. And if they're giving you no reason not to trust them, then that's something that you need to look at in yourself. But in this situation where he has sent her something that she's pro, she's, she's reacting to something, information she's actually gotten. Not by looking for it, it's found her. That is not a moment for him to teach her a lesson about her confidence, right?

Well, here's what happened on the call, by the way. Because Matt gave, you gave that spiel, and I wanted to press back a little bit on this woman because I wanted to see, has she really never brought this up before? Because from the man's side, If they've been together for three and a half years and you've built up a lot of trust over the three and a half years and so when someone's doubting you from an errant message, like that can be painful too.

Yes.

Like that brings up maybe, I don't know if it's insecurity, but it brings up some pride being like, hey, hold on, I'm a good man. I've been a good man for three and a half years.

I agree.

So we pressed her a little bit to see like, is this a recurring insecurity? has, has this been something that's addressed and so he's bringing up, he's getting defensive for a reason. But she seemed really, really genuinely sweet and sincere that it kind of wasn't. That she had done a pretty good job.

And if anything, she suppressed her insecurities most of the time and didn't bring them to him. And this was a situation that really caught her off guard. So here's what I think. If he says, Here's my, you know, like here, take the screenshot. I don't mind, I've got nothing to hide. She sees it, she says, oh my God, I'm such an idiot. You know, I didn't, you know, I feel terrible, blah, blah, blah. He at that point can say, I want you to trust me because I would never do anything to hurt you. I would not do that to you. And I understand that you're in security today made you want to see that. but I would prefer in the future if you would trust me because we're in this together and we're a team, right? And I'll never give you reason to, to doubt me. And maybe, and maybe you do acknowledge today may have seemed a little different because maybe, you know, I sent you something and it caught you off guard and it triggered something. And I love you and I want you to feel safe and I want you to feel secure. So I'm showing you this. But in the future, I would rather you trusted me because We're on the same side.

So that's the response from the person who was doubted.

Yes.

So what was the script for the person who was jealous for her? What would you, what did you have her say?

If he says, just you should trust me, then, you know, I'm a trustworthy person, you should say. And I'm a flawed person, you know, like I got, I'm flawed and I have my insecurities and I, and it's, And it's just on my mind and I hate that it is. I think it's two people have to be a team together. And I want, she has to be a team in giving him the benefit of the doubt. But he should also be a team member in not, you know, creating more doubt by withholding something. I could understand if she'd done this 10 times in the last six months. Show me the message, show me the message, show me the message. Then he might be like, you know what? This is too... I don't want to be in a relationship like this. Because if you can't trust me and if you constantly need me to show you proof of everything, I don't want to be in that relationship. That's his prerogative. But if this is genuinely the first time that's happened, I don't know. I think he's hurting the relationship by doing that.

What was your question, Rizka?

Okay, my question was how one should handle oneself, how to deal with a situation where you hurt someone or causes them to lose trust in you, or there's been some sort of rift in the relationship which you might be somewhat responsible for.

It's a great question and it happens all the time. It happens between men and women in both directions. So I think it's a great question. How do you overcome trust issues from that point on? Well, there's a process. One of the big mistakes that people make is they want it all to happen overnight, but there's a process in this. One part of the process is obvious, it's forgiveness. But sometimes we want people's forgiveness before we've earned it. So I'm not necessarily gonna put forgiveness at the beginning, But there are some things we can do to help speed that process up. The first one is communicating to that person that this is something that won't happen again. And in order to be able to communicate that, we need to know why it won't happen again. So part of that is understanding why it happened in the first place. This is something people often don't do. For example, if someone were to be unfaithful, Rather than just say, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it will never happen again, what people can do is actually explore why it happened in the first place. Well, it happened because in that particular moment, I was being a very weak person, or I was being very selfish, and that selfishness was coming from XYZ, or I was insecure and I was looking for attention. Whatever it is, understanding the root cause is really important. because once you understand the root cause and you're self-aware enough to understand that, you can explain to that person, let me, I'm not just going to tell you it won't happen again. Let me tell you why this will never happen again. A, I respect you too much and you're my number one priority and I love you to pieces and would never, ever hurt you in this way again. But B, I have resolved these issues within myself. What's, what made me do it the first time round? And those insecurities or those feelings, those root causes are no longer there because I've dealt with them or I've find a better way to manage them. That way, do you see Rizka how you're coming from a place of credibility then in saying you won't do it again rather than just blindly asserting it?

Yeah, I agree. And actually, it's interesting that you say that because I just recently reconciled with someone that I had hurt and I was trying to figure out what was different with, in this case, than with the relationships I had not reconciled. I think it was because me and this person went through this exact process that you're describing. And some of the other people in my life, we never really reached that place. I mean, the root causes.

Right, absolutely. Because it's not enough just to say, sorry, you need to get clarity. And that's what people respect. And actually, you know what's funny is you can help alleviate some of the hurt that someone feels if you can help them understand what was going on in you that led to that point in the first place. In other words, if I just think, well, someone cheated on me and now I have all of this hurt as a result, they can't necessarily make all of the hurt go away. But if I can truly understand that that was coming from a deeper place of insecurity or inadequacy or selfishness or whatever it is in that person. I actually can help divorce myself from that situation and make it less personal. So clarity is really important. Now, as I said, we can't expect someone to be perfect with you all at once. You know, you've got to rebuild the house and you don't get to do, you don't get to click your fingers and have the house be ready made again. You've got to rebuild it brick by brick. That takes effort. It takes time to some extent. It takes a level of, in this case, proactive honesty, is what I like to call it, because it's rather than what we, I think, often do in relationships, which is a reactive honesty. If someone asks us a question, we give them an answer. Proactive honesty is for that person who we feel we've wronged by cheating on them. You know, we went out last night and we give them more detail about last night than we normally would. We say, yeah, I had fun. I was with Casey most of the night, and this happened and that happened, and it was, you know, a really enjoyable experience. And then I hung out with this person and, oh, you would have loved it. I was talking all about you. You, you, you give them a bit more detail than you maybe would have before because you're going out of your way to make them feel secure and comfortable. That might not be something you have to do forever, but certainly in the beginning, it, it helps to put them at ease. And the last thing I'll say is this. If you're going to continue with somebody in a relationship and the trust was broken, you have to make a pact with that person. And the pact is this. I know what I have to do to keep you. I know there's. I have. I have something to prove to you now, and I know that I have to rebuild. I get it. But I also need you to do the hardest thing in the world and give me your trust again, because you know that if I ever broke that trust again, I would be the fool. not you. But in order to start again, I need you to trust me again. I need that much. And I promise you, I'll go out of my way to make this work. But I need that from you again for us to be able to carry on. That pact is essential. And not having that pact is the reason why so many couples carry on in spite of a newfound lack of trust and find that they never really get back to a place of trusting each other again. you've got to be able to hit reset and start again, knowing the hard work that's ahead of you, but also knowing that you have to be starting from that place. Does that make sense?

Oh, yes. I really love hearing you say that because it really fits in with what I've observed in my life and in others, both with what people have done right and they've done wrong.

Yeah. Well, thank you, Rizka. I appreciate you calling in and a very thoughtful question that I think is going to help a lot of people out there.

I really want you to check out this next video. I believe it's going to help you a lot. Click here. My God, if that can happen, anything can happen. I'll never be safe, even in situations where I thought I was safe. At any point, the unthinkable could happen.