If the Breakup Hurts Too Much, Watch This

Try and get them back as quickly as you can. You know, move on as quickly as you can. Go hook up with someone else or the love of your life just left you. Move to another country. Do, like, anxiety wants us to just feel. What can I do to feel better? Welcome back to the Love Life podcast, everybody. Today we're talking about how to rebuild your life after a breakup that you absolutely did not see coming. You know, there is a difference between that and those slow car crashes where we know that someone is unhappy. You know, they've threatened the breakup several times. Maybe we both have. There's that heartbreak of it's finally over. But there was a kind of an off ramp that we at least had some time to acclimatize to. Then there's the breakups where it's like our whole world gets upended because we just didn't see it coming at all. We. There weren't signs. Or at least, you know, maybe we look back and we're like, well, I guess maybe that was a sign that they were unhappy. Like, we kind of tried to make sense of it going backwards, but we had no idea that that person was going to have a conversation with us that day saying they weren't happy and that they're leaving. So I want to talk about this particular kind of breakup for anyone out there who just feels they've had the rug pulled out from underneath them and that they're not just in utter heartbreak. They find themselves in this prolonged state of shock about suddenly finding themselves in a new life and a new reality.

Do these breakups tend to happen early, or do you think they can happen at any time?

There's obviously the kind of breakup that happens after three months where we thought someone was having a great time and we were having a great relationship with them. And then all of a sudden, they tell us they don't want to be with us anymore, and we're like, wait, what? I thought we were on to something really good, but I'm also, and perhaps even more so, talking about the relationships that last years and years, the marriages that, you know, go on for 5, 10, 15, 20 years, the ones that we had no idea they were that unhappy or that they had been contemplating this. And. And then we're finding ourselves, like, our life as we know it, because in three years, your life as you know, it doesn't have time to change, but in a decade, it can be all, you know, anymore.

Yeah.

And yet it's over.

And especially when you. I think this is especially relevant for people who, you know felt safe in their relationships because they felt like there was so many breakers that would happen before the relationship ended. So they would have conversations. They would know more about the other person being unhappy, perhaps. And I think it's a particular kind of pain where you feel blindsided because you didn't necessarily, Necessarily have any context that the person you were with wasn't.

Happy, and you falsely assumed that if that person were that unhappy or that close to that breaking point, they would have had a conversation with you. Yeah.

And you would have worked on it, and it wouldn't have just been a breakup. It would have been the beginning of a conversation that you can kind of.

Navigate together well, especially in. If. In your mind, you think it. If I were that unhappy, I wouldn't just pull the plug on this. If I were that unhappy, I would begin a process of sharing why I'm unhappy, resolving it together. If we're struggling to resolve it between us, we maybe do therapy together or coaching, and we see if we can work through it with someone else involved who knows what they're doing in that department. It's like that. If you think there would be so many safety nets before the end for me, but then you realize those. That person didn't employ any of those safety nets, which actually makes it that much more painful because that. It's hard for that not to register as a kind of betrayal of the promises you've made each other, that. How could you not have engaged these different steps first? How did you go from being unhappy to, we're breaking up and it's over and there's nothing that I want to do to work on it? I'm. I'm already past that point when there's.

A feeling that you didn't get a chance or you didn't get to even understand what was happening in their mind. That's the painful thing. It's like they were living a different life. And I think that's what really rips your heart out and hurts at that time, because you're like, oh, I. I was happy, and they were secretly doubting me for who knows how long. And I think that's where it really registers as just pain and also then.

Becomes a bit embarrassing and shameful because you're like, I. You. You can feel really embarrassed about living this kind of existence that you. It turns out you were somehow living on your own, and you don't even know for how long you were living it on your own because you're. Because now the questions start, well, when did you. When did you become this unhappy? And for how long have you been essentially bullshitting me about, like, when you say I love you, when you were talking about plans for next year or that next holiday, that vacation, how, you know, how much of that was just complete and utter?

So we have a very, very helpful episode for everybody who finds themselves in that situation today.

I have some important things I was.

Going to say, Matt, to. To kick things off. You know, you're speaking to that person. I'm sure there's so many people listening who are literally going like, yes, this has happened to me. I'm in that place. Or I was in that place, and I still haven't healed from it because it's been so traumatic. Where do you start if something like this happens, if the tectonic plates of your life shift in such a massive way that you feel you just don't know what to do with yourself?

So I. I have, like six or seven points that I wrote down for this that I'm curious to know your thoughts on. But the first one was, it's a huge part of how to move on from these situations is recognizing that you are. You are, on one hand, grieving a life that on some level, didn't exist in the way that you thought it did. But you also have to keep space in your mind for the fact that it did exist, even if it only existed in you.

What do you mean?

When we look back and we say you. So wait, you weren't feeling how I've been feeling. You weren't as in love with you as I. As with me, as I am with you. You weren't willing to do anything for this relationship the way I am. You weren't feeling the same things in those moments as I was feeling. It's a different situation. But there is an analogy here. In a relationship that someone has with a narcissist, and we're not here today talking about narcissistic relationships, but in a relationship you've had with a narcissist, when it implodes. One of the most painful things about coming to terms with the fact that you were in love with and had dedicated your life to a narcissist, is this feeling that, like that reality that existed in your head never really existed for them. Not in the same way. There may have been loving moments between you. There may have been moments of laughter between you. They may have experienced deep moments of love for you, but the way they love is different to the way you love. They don't have the capacity for empathy that you have. They weren't worrying about you the way you were worrying about them. They. In the. That, you know, if you were drowning, if they were drowning, you'd jump in and risk your life to save them. If you were drowning, it could be devastating to realize they not only don't jump in to save you, they don't even throw you a life raft. And when you realize that, there's the kind of cataclysmic internal event of realizing, oh, my God, I was living a lie. I thought I was in one reality and I was. I was in a completely different reality. And the way I help coach people through those situations is realizing the, The. The grief is in realizing that the shared reality, the shared world you thought you both occupied, didn't exist. You thought you both occupied a shared world together, a shared experience. You weren't occupying that world together. They were occupying a very different world than the one you thought you were both in. But the world you thought you were in did exist. It just existed in you. That love that I would do anything for you, that beauty, that thing you did, that. Cause you dedicated yourself to, that vision you dedicated yourself to, that was real. It just was real in you. It wasn't real outside of you. And I get goosebumps as I say that because I. I think that there's something intensely beautiful about honoring that and not destroying that because the shared reality gets destroyed. That it actually, in many ways, is the best of you. What you experienced and what you showed was the best of you. And you need to honor that because that inner world that you dedicated yourself to, that. Okay, yes, the grief is realizing it's an inner world. It wasn't a shared world. But that inner world is still the most beautiful part of you that you take forward with you in your life. And I think there's something analogous about that to the kind of relationships we're talking about that don't necessarily need to have been with someone who is narcissistic. They might. We might argue that they're with someone who was intensely avoidant. If you found out about it out of nowhere and you. There weren't conversations and there weren't steps to get there, they may not be a narcissist, but there is something highly, highly avoidant about that. But there is something analogous about these two situations because you. You can celebrate the world firstly, you can celebrate the love that did exist between you, because that doesn't mean there was no love between you, and it doesn't mean you didn't have very Special times and very special years, all of that doesn't disappear. But clearly for a period of time at least, leading up to the end, it might have been months, it might have been years. You were not having the same experience. But you can grieve what you thought you had while simultaneously honoring the world that you created and held within yourself. So that's the first point.

I love that.

The second point is I think that one of the dangers when something like this happens is we rush to make meaning out of it. And that can happen in two directions. So our fear seeks to make really negative meaning from it. So our fear will say, it's because you're not good enough. It's because you didn't do this, because you screwed up in this way, in this, in the relationship.

I'll never find someone like that again.

I'll never find someone again. This is it for me. Like I'm gonna be unhappy for the rest of my life. I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life. I'll never.

I just think there's something unlovable about me.

There's something unlovable about me. I'll never find someone as good as them. Like there's, there's the negative meaning that our internal fears comes up with and that happens automatically. Right. But then there's the positive meaning that the self development world will try and push on you in these moments. And by that I mean not just the kind of industry of self development, but I also mean the optimism oriented people in your life, your family, your friends who are so quick to invent positive meaning out of it, which may be very well meaning, but it, it doesn't allow you to just be present in what you're actually going through. That. This is almost like I can't even experience this moment because I'm being rushed into creating some kind of positive meaning out of it, like at lightning speed. And it's actually may be sometimes well meaning, but the actual effect of it is borderline cruel. Because your job in that moment is not to go the worst. That one of the worst things in my life just happened. What's the good that this really means? How is this actually a good thing? Is insulting?

Or someone's like, oh, it's okay though, because you know where what they could be like. And they start like running them down. But it's like in that moment it's like, yeah, but I'm not feeling that.

Yep. And it makes you feel incredibly unseen. You feel unseen. You don't really see me. You don't see the beauty of what I think I've lost, what I feel like I've lost.

Yes.

Even if that may not be true, I, I need to experience the loss of what I think I've lost. But you're telling me, like, don't worry, you didn't lose anything. They were, they were, you know, I, I didn't like them all along. I'm just telling you now, you know, really doesn't acknowledge someone's pain. It doesn't make them feel seen, and it doesn't acknowledge the loss. So be very careful not to look for meaning in either direction too quickly. Don't. Don't feel you need to subscribe to the, like inventing positive meaning out of it. And also be very wary of your own internal orientation towards the catastrophic in this. The reality is life is long. You actually have no idea what the meaning will end up being out of this. You just don't know. Right now you feel like a loser in the situation. And I mean that in the sense of a person who has lost. I am the loot. There's winners and losers here, and I am clearly the loser. But you have no idea how this is going to play out. That person may go on to be very unhappy. That person may come to question their decision in a thousand ways. That person may end up in relationships that they wish they hadn't as a result of this. You. You don't know where you will be as a result of this. And again, I'm not saying this from the point of view of you have no idea what amazing things will come out of this. I'm saying that in the sense that life is a long game, you have no idea how any of this plays out right now. And you can't assume you know what's good or bad about this in real time from where you stand, the perspective you have right now.

I had a quote recently which I think encapsulates this really well, which is just because it could have been different, it doesn't mean it would have been better. And I think for anyone going through a breakup, that's a really nice mantra to hold on to, because to your point, life is long and you don't know what you don't know yet.

I couldn't agree more. One of the things that, if I'm honest, stresses me out in every holiday season is gift giving. One of the ways I am solving that this year is with two things that me and Audrey both love personally, that we are gifting to people. One of them is cozy Earth's bamboo pajama set. And the other one is their bubble cuddle blanket that lives on our sofa year round. Both of them are unbelievably soft and cozy. They're perfect for slow mornings, movie nights, just curling up at home. And one of the things love about them is that they are two things that spark joy every time we're at home. And since we're at home most of the year, I think that sparking joy in your home is one of the best things that you can invest in. If you want to get these two items for you or someone you love, head to cozyearth.com and use your code Love Life for up to 40% off your order. Just make sure you place it by December 12th. If you want guaranteed Christmas delivery. And if you're listening to this, after December 12th, don't worry, that's same code still works year round for 20 off. Enjoy the pajamas, enjoy the blanket. We love them. I'm sure you will too. It leads on to, to the next point I'm. I've got written down here because. Which was because you don't know what this means yet or how this plays out or where this goes for anyone in the situation. Don't make quick or irreversible decisions from this place. Anxiety wants us to speed up. Try and get them back as quickly as you can, you know, move on as quickly as you can. Go hook up with someone else or the love of your life just left you. Move to another country. Do like the anxiety wants us to just feel better. What can I do to feel better? Can I give the. Get them back? Can I numb myself? Can I get my. Can I escape somehow? Can I. What can I do? And a lot of those quick decisions result in making our life more chaotic and more messy at a time where it's already chaotic and messy and it compounds the situation. We have to do the most unnatural thing in the world in these moments, which is actually slow down. Let them move fast, let them make quick decisions, let them race ahead. Because by the way, they're also pro. There's highly likely there is some anxiety on their side as well. If they've just made a huge decision like this to upend their life, they are going to be wanting to justify that decision. So they're gonna be like moving quickly and trying to justify it and be like, oh, I've made the right decision. And maybe they'll even, you know, I, I hate to say it, but it's the truth. In a lot of these situations, maybe they'll even try and move on to dating quickly, or because they're trying to justify, like, I've done the right thing, I've done the right thing. I've done the right thing. And that means, by the way, you might see their social media reflects them being, like, happy and moving on quickly. You might hear stories that hurt you about how they've moved on quickly or they've already hooked up with somebody or whatever, or they've already chosen an apartment somewhere, or you'll, you'll hear these things on the grapevine through friends, or you'll see things on social media that will gut you at a time where you are already gutted. But slow down. Let them rush. Let them rush from an anxious place to justify their decision. Slow down because you won't make mistakes if you slow down. You'll make far more mistakes if you speed up. And there is something very beautiful about being the person who doesn't fall into the trap of trying to, like, move as fast as they are because you're comparing your journey of moving on to theirs. There's a real power in being like, hey, listen, if you have to deal with the end of something as sacred as our relationship by racing into bed with somebody else or situations, or, like what? Like changing your whole life overnight, that's on you. If you want to be that quick to be reckless with what we've had, that's on you. I'm not going to be quick to be reckless with what we've had. And that doesn't mean you are necessarily holding on to hope. It just means you're honoring what is a very real and serious situation to you by not making fast moves, that will be very unnatural. But I promise you, six months from now, if you move more slowly and you move more intentionally in your life as a response to this, you will be the one with less regrets in the situation next. Not everyone will be good to talk to. There will be some people in your life who are really good to talk to, who show up as, like, angels in your life. People you've never even made that much of before in terms of your connection, who just, like, turn out to be the most amazing human beings in that time, uniquely helpful. And there'll be other people, and some of the major disappointments will even be the people closest to you. Not all the time, but sometimes who you wish would really show up for you and who don't show up in the ways you actually need, who, by the third or fourth conversation are already getting tired of hearing it. Even though you don't need four conversations, you need 100 conversations. People who can't understand why three months or six months later you are still grieving and can't make sense of it. There will be disappointments along the way. And that doesn't mean you should judge everyone for how they react, because people are equipped differently to handle things. Some people are really good at handling other people's pain and grief and very smart and resourceful about the ways they do that. And they know how to give you exactly what you need. And other people don't know how to not just further inflame people or get you or make you annoyed with the way they show up. It doesn't mean we don't love those people, but we have to lean on people who actually have the resources and the faculties and the tools to give us what we need.

I wrote a piece once about three kinds of people you need in a breakup. And I think different energies helps as well. So one was your kindred spirits. That's just like the people who just love you and will listen and be really empathetic. Two is like fun lovers, like people who will just put you in a positive state again. And they, maybe they're not even that related to your inner circle, but they're just going to put you in a different state, a different feeling when they're around. They make you laugh, they're fun, and then like your sage council. And that's like, who's got perspective? Maybe they're older, maybe they have wisdom, maybe they've been through some stuff, but someone you almost look up to as a mentor who gives you the longer perspective, taking view on things.

The last point I want to make about all of this is not to isolate from other people. Recognize that you may not always feel like having a conversation with someone, but you will often feel lighter at the end of a conversation with the right person. And one of the things that we have to come to terms with is when months in and sometimes even years in, you're not you don't. You feel like you have this relapse into heartbreak. It doesn't mean you're doing it all wrong. It doesn't mean you have failed. Guy Winch, one of the world leading experts on heartbreak, once said to me, heartbreak requires massive amounts of repetition. You need to hear the same messages and the same truths over and over and over and over again. And it's, that's one of the reasons why we can find, we meet our limit with family members and friends because it gets To a point where they're like, I can't, I need to live my life. I can't spend another hour and another hour and another hour especially. I gave you two hours this morning and you still need to talk about it tonight. I have to pick up the kids. I have to do this, I have to do that. It's like we find our limits with those people. So wherever you get your repetition, it's really important to get it. And by the way, for those of you who I know feels important to say this. One of the things that people have been enjoying about Matthew AI the most, if you haven't used it yet and you're curious, is during the most intense heartbreaks of their life, that Matthew AI is invaluable. Many people use the term life saving because they can talk to Matthew AI in the night. They can talk for hours a day. They don't ever need to worry that they're like running out the clock on that. So if you haven't tried Matthew AI during your heartbreak yet, go try it. You can try it for free. Ask MH.com is the link. Ask MH.com is that link. Go and try that please, because it really does help a lot of people. We had some comments in from recent episodes. One on our episode titled if you hear this from your long distance relationship, run pain with purpose. One says, long distance doesn't break people, silence does. If their words stop matching their effort, your heart will feel it before you do. That's interesting. Yeah, I, I think that's true. Long distance doesn't break people. Silence does. But long distance for long enough without any hope is really, really, really like a slow, chronic pain. And I think that there has to be hope. You, you, yes, you need communication and not silence, but you also need a plan. A plan. You need to know when you're next gonna see each other. Classic Edge says, wow, this made me state my standards in my long distance relationship. I don't think I'll get the results I want, but my sanity and happiness comes first. I. That's lovely. I think that one of the benefits of having a conversation about what we want and what we need and standing up for our needs is that we actually get clarity. You know, we standards on having these kinds of conversations isn't always about getting what you want. It's about giving you the information you need about what you really have. Standards reveal what you have. And if you don't have those conversations and you don't stand up for yourself or what you want, you, you Never actually find out what you have until it's too late or you've already wasted many, many years. On our episode, the best and worst cities to date ranked. Janelle says thank you so much for answering my question with thoughtfulness and empathy. It helped me more than you know. And thank you, David, for choosing my question.

I didn't put that in because I wanted you to call me out.

You put that in because she thanked you.

No, no, I just was. I appreciated her for her liking the answer that you gave.

Yeah. No. Thank you, Janelle. Thank you so, so much.

And thank you, David.

And thank you, David. More important, you're welcome. Thank you, David. You know what?

You're welcome.

We have our Love Lifeline question here from Annalise. Remember, you can always send in your questions to podcastthewhussey.com send us a voice note with your question. We love playing them out loud on the podcast. Keep it around 30 seconds or so. This one is a written question. So Annalise says, hi, my name is Annelise and ever since the breakup I've been obsessively watching love relationship YouTube videos. I'm pretty sure I'm an anxious attachment trying to get my ex back. I think he is dismissive, avoidant. I'm not sure. I met him in August and I broke up with him only five days ago. Oh, I broke up with him. Interesting. And started my no contact at that point as well. I want to talk to you about my situation, but I can't afford any coaching. I'm in between jobs. But as you probably know, I feel like I'm going crazy waiting for him to respond. Almost to the point where my depression is kicking back in. I feel younger with him and want to marry him. He was calling me his wife and he didn't even propose yet. I was worried about him getting worse and worse about his laziness. His ambition was shrinking and not really trying to visit me. We were doing a long distance relationship. He lives two and a half hours away. I visit him. I visited him the last two times. He said he wants a kid. I'm willing to have one more. Unfortunately, I can't marry someone who doesn't take care of themselves or their house. He was eating very bad food and not cleaning his house. He even said it was my job to take care of him. I have a three year old and a five year old, both sons. I can barely take care of myself. I'm 39, he's 37. Is there anything you can recommend? It sounds Annalise like you're in different places. It sounds. There is a genuine compatibility issue. And you broke up with him. So I think, firstly, we have to be careful. There's a great line from Elaine de Botton, which is trust what you knew then, not what you feel now when it comes to your decisions. And I think that is a very powerful line. Trust what you knew then, not what you feel now, because what you knew then was that something was genuinely off about the relationship. He wasn't trying, he was lazy. He was not taking care of himself. He didn't keep his life in order. And you don't have the time or the energy to babysit someone or to be their mum. You're already a mom. You're looking for a partner, looking for an equal. And so you. You. You felt you're someone who. I always say this to people. You're someone who wants a relationship, Annelise. You want a relationship. So as someone who wants a relationship and wants it to work, it must have taken something for you to get to the point of saying, this isn't working. I'm more. I'm the one putting in the effort. I'm going to visit him. He's not trying. He can't even tidy his own house, let alone be a partner to me. He's not taking care of himself. He's openly said, it's my job to take care of him. This guy is looking for a mum or a wife from the 50s, and I'm neither. So this part of you got on board with this isn't going to work. But because your tendency, as you put it, is towards anxious attachment, you're now questioning your decision. You're now wondering if you made a mistake. But you're not. From what I can see, you're not. You're not saying here. I know that. You know, I never even spoke to him about it. It sounds like you did speak to him about it, and he gave you a very clear answer that, I think you should take care of me. So, okay, you can look at it and go, next time around. What would I do differently? Would I. Maybe. Maybe I mothered him too much. Maybe I actually allowed him to slip into that role and I shouldn't have. If I want to have that conversation with him, maybe I can. If I really need the closure of having a conversation where I say, hey, I'd like to. I. I miss you. I miss being around you. I miss our relationship. But I know I can't make this work if I'm having to be the one to Take care of you. I like taking care of you sometimes, you know, I like be. I want to have that. I've. I'm a natural nurturer. I love being there for you, but I haven't got. I can't be the person who's putting your life together for you. Like, there are certain things I need from you and, and I need to know whether you can do that or not. And you'll get your answer. You know, if he's right for you, he'll say, I can do that. It's not such a big ask for me. If it's lose you or eat a little better and clean my house, I choose you. But if he doesn't say that, you have your answer. There is nothing to be anxious about about this situation. But what I worry about more is that you have this hypothetical argument in your head where you're like, did I end it too soon? Could he have become what I needed him to be? Or you know, and you can if you want, if you really need that closure, you can have that conversation with him out loud. You don't need to be having it in your head. I suspect that you'll come to realize what he's already told you is really what he means.

And, and don't forget, Anneliese, that maybe one of the reasons you feel younger with him is because he's a bit of a child. Like he sounds like a man child. He's a 37 year old man who doesn't know how to take care of his house and take care of himself. And I think to have a child with someone like that, like, forget it.

Yeah, forget it.

And, and those, those traits that are really attractive when people are like, you know, carefree and you know, like young and youthful and whatever they don't make. They're not the traits that are gonna actually sustain you in a long, like a long term relationship with children, with sickness, with responsibility life throws at you. So don't be too enamored with those kinds of traits either. And also remember you were long distance. So again, you never really got to see what the relationship could have been like had you been living like near each other.

That's a great.

And if he can't show you that long distance when you're visiting day to day, that's gonna be. If he can't like get his together for the long distance, can't clean his.

House when you actually come over, that's gonna get worse. What the house is going to look like when you actually live together.

That's a really good point there, there may be connection, there may even be love, but. But when there's no compatibility there in the key areas, you don't have a relationship. If you want to email us your Love lifeline question, email podcasty.com and if you are one of our Love Life members, we we put you to the front of the line. You get priority access. And by the way, if you are an avid listener of the Love Life podcast, but you are not one of our Love Life members, let me tell you why. Today is the day that you should become one. We have created a 14 day free trial specifically for our Love Life podcast listeners that you can get@lovelifeclub.com why should you join Love Life? Because for anyone who is being intentional about finding love, healing from the past, becoming the most confident and attractive selves, it is designed and structured specifically for that purpose. I coach you every single month live. Steven coaches you every single month live. We have a whole library of course courses from how to heal from narcissistic abuse to how to date in your 50s to how to find and meet people in modern dating. An incredible array of programs designed to meet you where you are. You also get 247 access to Matthew AI that you can use any time so that you can be coached by me whenever you want, see what it does for you, and then you can decide whether you want to stay on not. My guess is you will stay because it changes so many people's lives and you'll start experiencing that for yourself. Lovelifeclub.com is that link. It's that time again. It's Steve's sleeves. Don't be bereaved.

You know that we can leave without.

Another episode of Steve Sleeves.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Steve Sleeves. We are gonna play a game today called sleeve it or leave it.

I love it when you do this.

It's the one that has sleeves in the title. So we talked about breaking up how difficult breakups can be. I want to talk about some things you could do after a breakup. And you're gonna tell me whether you should sleeve it or leave it.

Nice.

Sleeve it means like, put up your sleeves, do it, keep it.

Sure. No, I got the gist.

It's the opposite of leave it.

Yeah. Stuff it up your sleeve. In a good way.

In a good way. Yeah.

Texting your ex on their birthday.

Leave it.

Leave it. Unless you've been broken up for a really long time and you have a good relationship and you're like, you know, friendly and whatever in which case, fine.

Unless you're friendly because you harbor hopes of being. Being back with them and it's not really a friendship, it's a long term strategy to get them back.

Yeah. No. So then, then leave it. But if you're actually friends, okay, keeping.

The hoodie they gave you that makes you look amazing.

Leave it.

How amazing?

What?

Well, you know, if you don't care about the. If it doesn't remind you of them.

How can it not remind you of them? Okay, it's gonna have a bit of their smell. It's gonna, like, even after you've washed it, it's still the hoodie that connects you to them. You've got to leave it. There's plenty of good hoodies out there in the world.

Fine, leave it.

Replying to their I miss you kind of energy when they send you that in a message.

I'm gonna say leave it 9 times out of 10. But sleeve it 1 in 10 if you want to message them and say, I'm sorry you're having a hard time, but, you know, it's really not helpful for you to use me to, to share that with, like, I. I'm moving on with my life, so it's not fair for, for you to tell me that stuff when you feel it. Okay.

Going to places you used to go together to try and erase the memory of them.

Sleeve it, sleeve it, sleeve it.

So it's good to go to places to try and like, overwrite the memory.

Yeah, that's one of the ways you change associations is you go back there, you know, under new pretenses with a new friend or a new situation and, and you rewrite the association that you have with that.

Hard though. It's painful.

Well, you don't have to do it. You shouldn't like, go act. You don't have to actively do it with every, you know, if there's 10 great, like, Mexican restaurants in your town, you don't have to worry about like, getting that one back. But if there's like a place that you really love it and it's like, you know, sometimes the place that you need to reclaim is your entire city.

I've had it with a beloved museum in London that, you know, I needed to go and overwrite because I wanted to go back there, I think I went there with someone else.

There you go. Classic Steve.

Classic Steve.

That's not.

Sorry, I just want. I know it's not classic Steve. I just wanted to say classic Steve.

Right, Me too.

So sleeve it, sleeve it.

I do think you have to be careful with that one, though. Just as I know Steven's gonna do his next one. You have to be a bit careful because you might bump into them. So you have to be careful that it's not somewhere that they're gonna frequent.

Oh, if it's that you don't, then leave it.

Yeah, I think if you think that, like, it's somewhere they're gonna keep. They're gonna go to. I think it's better to just leave it until you're over it. And then when you bump into them, you don't care anymore.

You can't reclaim claim the yoga class they still go to every day.

Deciding your new personality is someone who's really into Matcha.

Just leave it.

Sleeve it.

So, yes, sure. Be a Matcha person using the Apple Notes app as your therapist.

Apple Notes app?

Yeah, like writing notes to yourself.

Slave it. I mean, I wouldn't say therapist because it's. You're. You're your own therapist there. You're writing down thoughts that you want to record that are important that you need to come back to. I think that's very, very important. So sleeve telling the Uber driver your.

Breakup story because they seem open and friendly.

Sleeve it.

Yes, leave it. But.

But, like, we've all been there.

Don't be obnoxious about it.

And be careful how many times you tell the story.

You.

You need to tell the story a lot of times, but you need. The story needs to evolve as you tell it. What you don't want to do is be a person who, a year later, is still telling the story the same way to the Uber driver.

Finishing the Netflix show you started with them.

Depends how much you love the show.

Yeah, yeah, I. There's lots. There's a lot of content these days. Don't really need to.

It's gonna, like, remind you of them and just leave it. Okay. All right. Leave it.

Delete the playlist. Start fresh.

One more. Let's have one more.

Oh, okay.

Last one.

Getting a revenge body.

Sleeve it. Sleeve it.

There you go, Steve. Definitely there you go. But don't feel like revenge body is not going to change your life. So just, you know, it's fine. It's good. But don't like. It's not. It's not going to change your life, and it's. And you're still gonna have to grieve.

Yeah.

But. Okay.

Getting hot isn't a replacement for grieving.

No. But I do think that actually getting a revenge body or any kind of, like, you know, situation where you're pouring back into yourself is really, really valuable.

Can we call it something different, though? Because revenge body still makes them the star of the show. That is your life.

Like, you know, you remember Princess Diana's revenge dress?

Yeah.

And she wore that black dress and everyone was like, oh, my God, it's her revenge dress. She probably didn't go, this is my revenge dress. She just was like, I'm gonna look hot.

Right?

And I think that's like, that's.

I like it. Do it for you, though. Don't do it for revenge because you're still making them too important. They have to become less important, not more.

Yeah.

Very good. Well, thank you everyone for, for listening to the show. We, we appreciate you. Whether you watch this on YouTube, whether you listen to it on Spotify or itunes, don't forget to claim your 14 day trial of love life. If you haven't already. Lovelifeclub.com is that link. And, and just thank you always for supporting us, being there for us, and, and all of your lovely emails and thoughts that you send in. We'll see you next time, Sam.