If You Want To Find The Perfect Guy, WATCH THIS | Matthew Hussey

Your time is the most valuable thing you'll ever have. I don't want to go on a date with someone that I haven't spent five minutes on FaceTime with.

Even if you think they're really interesting and they've been great on a date, you're still seeing them in very few dimensions.

We have to expand our lives knowing that meeting the right person may be a byproduct of expanding our lives. Why do guys pop up from time to time, send you a little message and then disappear again? It's not that hard, is it really? There's a kind of narcissism that makes us as human beings, and let's face it, not just men, reach out to someone. Not for them, but for us. Because we're bored, because we're lonely, because in that moment we're craving some attention and we want to feel attractive. So if I can reach out to you and say something that gets me a compliment back or just the compliment of knowing that you will text me back and that you are still thinking of me, that gives me the validation I need to then carry on with my day. And that's what happens all the time. Why does he disappear again after coming back out of nowhere and reigniting your interest? Because once he got your interest, he got the validation he needed. And then he went back to his life. He didn't need it anymore after that. Look, I know you want closure on why guys have this kind of behavior. But I think it's much more important that we get closure on why you respond to this kind of behaviour. Here's why interacting with MPI guy can be so toxic. You have this guy who is showing no potential. Now you may ask, how is he showing no potential? He does text me once in a while. That's the point. He's showing you that this is the best he's got to give you right now. Now by focusing on this guy, you're not focusing on these guys. i.e. the rest of the world. These guys show more potential than the other guy even though you've never met them because at least you don't know yet with them. If this guy is the right guy here and you have to get through these to get to him, you're never gonna get there because you're stuck on this guy that's spending three to six months of your life wasting your time with the minimum possible investment. And you may say, yeah, but that guy, he texts me once a month or once every couple of weeks or whatever, and maybe we see each other once in a while, that's not wasting that much of my time. It is, because even though he may not be spending much time with you, you're spending a hell of a lot of your time with him in here. There's a kind of myopia that comes from focusing on one guy. When you're interested in one guy, when you're attracted to that one guy, You don't want to go out and meet lots of others. You don't want to interact with somebody else. So if your dream guy is here and you're wasting time with this guy, you don't get there quick enough in your lifetime to meet him. What I want to get you to do is ruthlessly cut these guys quicker. So as soon as you meet a guy and he's not giving you what you want, he's showing you that he's low investment, he's flaky, he comes in and out of your life, you get rid of him. And you can do that over and over again. The women who make the most progress in their love lives, the women who actually end up meeting the right guy, are not necessarily the women who are most talented at selecting the right guy. They're the women who are the most ruthless in getting rid of the wrong guys so that they don't waste their time with them. So the next time this guy sends you some bullshit emoji out of nowhere, or dare I say it, a half-nude pic, How about you set yourself the challenge of doing nothing? Hey Jay, check your phone.

Is that your calf?

Leg day, brah.

I'm not responding to that.

He passed the test. Look, if you must text this guy back, I have a program that will show you how to do it. It's called How to Talk to Men. Many of you have it, you know, it's brilliant. But you know what I'd rather you use that program for? I'd rather you use it to talk to all of these guys. The ones who are showing more potential by the very fact that you haven't met them yet and they haven't confirmed how shitty their level of investment is. Your time is the most valuable thing you'll ever have. It is the treasure of all of our lives. Why would you waste it on somebody who is telling you through their actions that they are not the right guy for you? Go meet these guys and the sooner you do, the sooner you'll meet this guy. Isn't he handsome? There is a premium to meeting someone in person because if I meet you right now, And.

If I... LA, you're a little rowdier than normal. Seriously.

If I meet you in person, in person, you already have done a bunch of calculations.

Do I like the look of him?

Has he got good energy? Is he what he seems to be? How does he carry himself? How does he answer questions in real time? Not, we're texting and I know nothing. I don't even know if you look.

Like your picture anymore.

That's the crazy shit now. It used to be the case that.

On match.com they would say, like, add.

Eight or 18 or however many is pictures, because more pictures equals more credibility. More credibility equals more matches. But now we live in a world where someone can have a hundred photos of themselves on Instagram and look like none of them. It's extraordinary. So we now have become suspicious. We now have realized that we don't.

Know anything until we meet someone. Ever had that experience?

You think you have some chemistry, you think you're attracted, you don't know shit until you get in the room with someone. And then you know, which is why still today, if you met someone right now after this event, it would be so much easier to get on a date with that person if you've exchanged numbers than if you met online.

Because you already have that base level.

Of I know you, you know me, at least on that very superficial level.

We know what each other look like. I felt your energy. I kind of know what you're all about.

I've got a sense of you. I said that thing and you didn't say an awkward thing back and it.

Wasn'T weird and it was okay and I at least felt safe and now.

I feel like we could actually see each other again. Even if just for coffee, right? We've skipped a bunch of steps that you have to go through online, which by the way, means if let me give you something that's not intended to be a rule, but something I think.

You should bear in mind in dating in general.

I think we should be reluctant.

Kind.

Of to go on a date with.

Someone we haven't at the very least FaceTimed with. How many of you want to save time? A few of you? Just not there with me yet where you'll put your hand up, we're not there.

I'll put my hand up in an hour. How many of you want to save time? Okay, yes, because by the way, your.

Love life, the whole equation is time. the whole equation is time.

We may as well be doing a physics lesson here on this stage because the whole fucking thing is time. We have a limited amount of time. What do we do with it? Who do we give it to? Who's gonna get my precious, precious time? Darwin said, he who is willing to waste an hour has not yet recognized.

The value of time.

That's how important time is. Who am I gonna give an hour to? Alright, that's how important time is.

Think of who you're giving years to right now, by the way. Think of that shit. Who are you gonna give an hour to?

Who are you gonna give an hour to?

Right?

That's what it comes down to.

I don't wanna go on a date.

With someone that I haven't spent five minutes on FaceTime with. I just don't. If we can't get on FaceTime for five minutes, firstly, what does that say? What does that say?

I can meet you in person but can't do a quick FaceTime call with you. At the very least, a phone call. At the very least.

What does that say?

Well, Matt, not everyone wants to get on the phone.

Oh, then he's a child.

What do you.

Then don't go on a date with that person. What do you think is going to get better?

Like, no, no, no. After we've dated, then we're ready for a phone call.

Don't date that person.

But do a phone call, do a FaceTime.

That's where real connections built.

That's where you know at least, ah.

Okay, we have a little chemistry here. We can actually talk and have some banter. There's something here to play with, to work with.

Because this is a claim I think a lot of people make when they say, this always happens. I show interest and they disappear. That would be to suggest that showing interest itself is inherently unattractive. Right. And it would be hard to argue the truth of that statement.

It leads to those stalemates of no one dares wants to take one step forward or put themselves on the line because they think, I'm going to lose the chess game if I show any interest.

Right. So, I think we should almost break this down into what are the causes of someone losing interest once we show our interest? What categories could that phenomenon fall into? I'd like to start, and I'm wondering what you think of this, Steve, with a simple idea that some people.

Are.

Not looking for what you're looking for. or are unhealthy emotionally.

Yes.

So those are two separate things. They're not necessarily the same thing. But let's just start with those two things. What are your thoughts on those two, Steve?

Yes, I agree. So the first one may be that once you show a level of interest that freaks them out, they realize, oh, I don't want to commit to this person this much. I was attracted to them. I was having fun with them. I was enjoying dating. But they're really into me and they might be like, I'm backing off now because I've gotten in too deep or I don't want to go where this person's taking me. I think that is a real phenomenon that happens to people.

That's exactly right. So you can't, you know, that that you can't put you can't make that a personal issue. You just have to say some people are not ready for a real relationship, and that's why they're backing off when they realize that I am ready for a real relationship. And we have to start seeing that as a positive, not a negative, that if I learn that someone doesn't want a real relationship and that makes them go away, well, how was I going to get them to stay? By pretending I didn't want a real relationship. All that means is I'm deferring my hurt to some time down the road when I finally admit that I want more. And then guess what? You're gonna get the exact same answer, which is, I'm scared, I don't want more, I didn't sign up for this.

And the truth is about that guy is that he may have already felt that way from the very beginning of you dating. It's not that you brought it up and suddenly showed too much interest and now he's like, I'm out. He may have never planned to take things further, but it's only because you prompted the conversations.

So in that sense, that he's now backing off. In that sense, what you're experiencing is just a revealing of what someone's intentions have been all along. So we can kind of rule that out as not just something not to feel bad about, but actually a good thing that you should feel proud of yourself in the moments where you showing a greater interest reveals that someone has no intention of, of making something more of this situation with you. Though there is a different, there is something that doesn't fall into that category, which is when you bringing up your interest in someone, when you showing more interest actually does have an effect on them. It does. repel them. And this is the case of someone being emotionally unhealthy themselves.

Yes.

So in this situation, there's different ways of looking at it. One is someone else having issues with.

Themselves.

Low self-esteem, they don't prize themselves highly. They haven't truly accepted themselves. So this can create one of a couple of effects.

And it could also be the beginning bit, right? The very early moment where you show a bit of interest on like Tinder or something and someone's like, oh no, this person's too easy. Like they're always looking for the difficult to catch fish and someone who likes them is like, oh, that's, that they want me too easily, like they must be lower value than I am.

Yes.

So I think this is, this is some distinctions have to be made because that's definitely, that's definitely a phenomenon. I, I see this kind of being a couple of different things. You have the person who doesn't actually think a lot of themselves. So this is the, I'm hideous. So if you like me, you must be hideous. Effect.

Groucho Marx.

Right.

I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have someone like me as a member.

Exactly. So this is the self, the kind of self-loathing phenomenon. I don't like myself. I don't value myself. So if you like me, then you must not have much value. I wanted to let you know that if you're enjoying this subject matter, we have a free guide on exactly this that's super practical. It's at the website whyhesgone.com this free guide outlines the five reasons why someone may disappear when you show your interest. Go to whyhesgone.com and I'll see you over there. The other side of it, is someone.

Who.

Their relationship with happiness is one of constantly trying to attain something that they think will make them happy once they get it. A simple example of this in commercial terms is, you know, why does, I don't know, why does American Express have a platinum card. It's so that people who have a regular Amex can have something to aspire to. Right now, what's the difference? Why, unless I'm spending a fortune every month, why would I want a platinum with a much higher limit over a regular Amex? Because I think that something about having that platinum card in my wallet is going to make me happier. Now I've got the platinum card. And Amex says, by the way, you know, did you know Jay-Z has a black card? He has an Amex black card. Don't you want the black card? And you go, wait, what's that one? And they go, it's a super special Amex we have. There's very few people who have it. and now you want that one. Why? Is it going to change your life on some level? We must think, ah, that's gonna make me happier. If I could just get that one. And you can guarantee that after that, by the way, Amex, there probably is some. Some. Some super special Amex that us mere Mortals don't even know about. you know, some sort of Amex club that Jay-Z is trying to get into.

It's just Bezos and Elon Musk and that's it.

But when you hear about that club, you go, oh, I want to be in that club. Because what it's really about is this obsession with attainment. This obsession with I need something. I need something else. I think that's going to make me happier. You know, that line in Hamilton, you know, I'll never be satisfied. It's that feeling of, oh, you know, that phrase is very, very powerful. You know, I'll never be satisfied. I'm always looking for the bigger thing, the better thing, the more exclusive club. and you can never, for someone like that, you can never be a great enough Club for them not to be looking for another exclusive Club. Because guess what? The moment you show interest in a person like that, you're no longer the exclusive Club. The moment you show interest to a person like that, you've accepted them and acceptance. is a turn off for them because acceptance means I already won and there's a different win now to go for.

Yeah.

So now they go for the. What's the bigger kill? What's the bigger win? What's the more exclusive Club? You can never be that club once you actually accept someone. You can never. You can never again be the exclusive Club to them because you accepted them. You invited them in. to someone like that. So, you know, there's the people, I guess the way I'm drawing is that there are people that have an incredibly unhealthy relationship with themselves where they loathe themselves and that's why they immediately think that you must not be great if you like them. And then there's the people that have a really unhealthy relationship with happiness. where they think that the happiness is always in the game, never in the having. And once they have you, they can no longer get you. That's one group. Now, we also shouldn't be worried about scaring off someone like that. So we might say, so does that just mean that all of this phenomenon of me showing interest and someone losing their interest once I show mine is just all about these people that I should be happy I'm repelling because they're wrong for me. They're either not ready, they don't want the same things as me, or they're emotionally unhealthy or they have an unhealthy relationship with happiness. Maybe. But there is another category.

Yes.

And this is the one. where we have to look at ourselves.

Yes.

This is the self-reflective part of this equation, which is perhaps one of the reasons I'm losing interest when I'm showing interest is in the manner in which I show interest. So let's talk about that, Steve. What are you, I'm curious to know what your thoughts are on this.

I think it's in what not just intensity perhaps of interest, but in what you're showing an interest in and people are not stupid and they can feel if, for example, your interest is only in fulfilling some empty relationship shaped hole in your life where you just are needing a relationship to plug up certain gaps in your self-esteem and you have turned them into an idealized version of themselves and they can feel like they have this unearned level of attention. and affection. And they think, oh, this person is turning me into the source of their whole world. And someone can freak out then and be like, the level of the interest they have is not just about me, it's about them needing to fix something that they feel is broken about them.

That's absolutely right. Absolutely right. Now, what would you say are the key signs? What are the ways that we telegraph that we are valuing someone more than we should for the stage of attraction we're in? That we are not actually getting to know them organically, but have really quickly made up our minds about them? in an unhealthy way, that we are moving at a pace that is making someone start to take a step back. What are the practical things that someone should watch out for in their own behaviour that might be telegraphing the wrong things in those early stages and pushing someone away?

I think it's perhaps the way you are, what you are deciding about them early on, if you are not looking at their behavior, but you are just, you are just so over, you were just so bowled over and bought into them really quickly before they've actually had any time to prove to you why they would be a great boyfriend or why they would, why they really, really care about you and they're not prioritizing you yet in your life, but you're you're living for them. You find yourself dropping things that would otherwise have been important to you for them. Suddenly your work is a backseat. Suddenly your friends are a backseat. And if you know you have that tendency to just suddenly start dropping things, I think that's a warning sign.

I have always thought that the way that we get attracted to people in unhealthy ways and invest in unhealthy ways has a lot of parallels in the way that people behave around celebrities.

Yeah.

When we have a favorite celebrity, we often like them or admire them for a some pretty one-dimensional reasons. Right. That your favorite musician you really like probably because they're really great at being a musician. They play that guitar really well or they have an amazing voice or you really like their songs. Your favorite actor you like because they play a role really well in a movie. They're a great actor. this has almost nothing to do with who they are as a person because you don't know who they are as a person. And it certainly has nothing to do with what they're investing in you because they don't even know you. And yet when someone meets their favorite celebrity, what celebrities are used to is that that person falls over themselves. to try to meet that celebrity, impress them, they do anything for them, they go out of their way in completely unreasonable ways for that celebrity. So what's that really about? It's about overvaluing this quality in a person. and deciding how much we like them when we really have no idea who they even are. Now, let's bring it back to the, to people's love lives for a moment. People could say, well, I, I have, I've seen this person, like, two or three times now, and, and it's not just their looks. You know, I really like them. I think they're a really interesting person. I think, well, you have to understand that it's still kind of one-dimensional even if you think they're really interesting and they've been great on a date, you're still seeing them in very few dimensions. You don't know a lot about them. So you have to ask yourself, how much interest is, is truly rational right now for how well I know this person? And, and what are some of the mistakes that I could make if I overvalue? this person right now. Well, I start giving up every night of the week. I start bombarding their phone with messages. And when they don't text me back, I send another one. I respond to last minute requests constantly from them because I just want to be near them. So even if I had other plans, at the last minute, I'll drop whatever it is I have going on in order to see them. I'll do anything I can just to be near them. I ignore the fact that I'm giving and they're taking. That they're just taking and taking and taking. I'm just giving, giving, giving because I just want to get closer and closer and closer. And when people see these things, they start to get concerned that, well, this person, well, perhaps I get concerned, oh, this, I'm starting to get a strange feeling here. I don't know if this person's giving me this, this person can't be giving me all this attention because I've earned it, because I haven't. And it can't be because I'm giving them so much back because I'm not. So this must be to do with their value now. It must be to do with the fact that either they don't really value themselves, which isn't attractive. Yeah. Or it's to do with the fact that they've overvalued me, which means they're not really seeing me. or it's to do with the fact that what they want has nothing to do with me. What they want is a relationship. What they want is a goal, whatever their goal is. But it has very little to do with me.

Yeah.

And that's starting to creep me out because I'm now feeling detached from. From any real connection with this person. All I'm really seeing is someone who's driving after a goal and a preset agenda that they have. that existed before they met me. So we can solve that by.

If.

We decide we like someone, there's nothing wrong with showing that you like someone a little bit. You have to give them a little bit, but you don't necessarily have to give them more than that. and even if you say, yeah, but I'm so attracted to this person, you can be so attracted to this person. But how attracted you are and what boundaries you have are very different things. Being so attracted doesn't have to mean having no boundaries. You can still say, yeah, I am. I am massively attracted to someone. You can even say that to someone. But it doesn't mean that you're willing to see them every night of the week. It doesn't mean that you're going to chase them. It doesn't mean that if you see behaviour you don't like, you're not going to call it out. It doesn't mean they're going to get more of your attention unless they start showing you more of their attention. This is the fundamental mistake. people make. Be wildly attracted to someone. Think someone is incredibly sexy. You know what's powerful? Someone knowing that you think they're incredibly sexy and attractive and also knowing that that has no effect on your behavior when it comes down to what choices you make.

Oh, yeah. That's incredibly powerful. If people see that, like, that doesn't even, that's not enough for them to compromise their self-respect or they'll still put up boundaries. or express when they disagree. It's like, man, they're not controlled by that emotion.

And that's what makes someone a powerful person, is, oh, you're not gonna override your own what's good for you because you're attracted to me. And that doesn't mean that someone needs to know all of the ways that you're really attracted to them right now. They can get to know that a little more slowly. But ultimately, it's about measuring, it's about seeing everything in its proper place. I am not gonna, I can't, if I'm valuing things right, then the fact that you score a nine for me in the physical attraction box doesn't change the fact that you're not even at a two yet in terms of being there for me in difficult situations. or connecting with me on the deepest possible level of accepting my flaws and my darker side and who I am. How could you possibly be scoring anything on that scale right now? I haven't told you any of that stuff. I haven't even shown you the worst parts of me. I haven't even given you a chance to accept the more difficult parts of me yet. So how could I possibly know whether you you're right for me on that level. I can't. So while I get to know what we could be in all of these really major categories, I may demonstrate that I like you, but that's not going to be met by an incredible amount of investment. I'm still gonna give you a little bit and see. if you meet me there. But if what you do when you're interested in someone is give and give and give and then they take.

And.

Then you give, you don't wait to see if they give back, you just start giving again. That's what starts to creep someone out.

Yeah.

Because they go, oh, what's going on here? why I just took and I didn't give anything back. Now, they may not consciously realize this. A lot of people won't consciously realize it because sometimes when we're around someone who gives a lot, the instinct is to take. Yeah, the instinct is just to enjoy what they're giving. But we will unconsciously begin to take it for granted what they're giving. And when we take something for granted, it we don't associate with earning it. and so we just wait for it to come to us. We might even be repelled by it because we go, oh, this feels icky. I'm not even giving to this situation and this person keeps giving. There's something icky about this. And then we get a bad feeling and then we start to drift away because something about this situation gives us a bad feeling. Because something about someone giving and giving and giving and giving, even though we're not giving back, feels unreliable.

Yeah.

It feels like a manipulation. It feels like someone who's not stable. It feels like someone who doesn't have rules in place. And all of these things can can make us a little afraid. I can't trust a person who doesn't have any boundaries around themselves. I can't. I can't trust that they'll do what's right for themselves. I can't trust that their feelings around me are real, because if their feelings around me were real, they should be turned off by this.

Yeah.

This should have affected the situation, but it hasn't. So what are their feelings based on? oh, there's something else going on with this person. There's some other stuff I don't know about. I'm not aware of. There's a side of this person that's not good, that's dark or unhappy or desperate or hurt or trying to fix something that has nothing to do with me. And All of that feels like, yeesh.

Yeah.

I'm gonna push away here.

And fundamentally, they don't feel like they have to raise their game around you. They're just like, it doesn't matter what I do. So I don't feel that hunger, that drive around them to be my better self.

People love to buy. They hate to be sold. People love to buy. They hate to be sold. Steve, it could be an exciting thing if we were suddenly like, should we go like, why don't we go on a shopping spree today? Let's go buy some really cool shit. and we went out with that intention, that would be exciting. If we walked through a marketplace on the very same day and people were like, come into my store, come into my store. I've got these things you're really gonna like. Come, come, come. All of a sudden we'd be like, get me out of here. Same thing. It's just an exchange of money. But in the latter scenario, you physically want to remove yourself from that space. When we try too hard because we like someone, they start feeling like they're being sold. We're not giving them the space to sell themselves on us. When I have an amazing date with you, and then I tell you I had a great time, but then I create some space and I see if you come forward to meet me where I am, I'm giving you space to sell yourself. I'm giving you room to miss me. I'm giving you room to think about me. And this is true on every level.

This.

This can be true within a relationship. If your partner goes away for an hour or two, if you've been together all day and your partner goes away for an hour or two, if you text them every second of the time that you're apart, you're not giving them space to just think about you. And I don't. I know you're making them think about you, but you're making them think about you in an as an aggressive act. I'm putting myself on your mind every second of the next two hours. But what if I took a step back and I said, I'm going to let you think about me now on your terms. I'm going to allow you to imagine me, to think about me, to process your thoughts about me. I'm going to give you the space to do that. Now, by the way, if you do that and someone never comes forward, if all they do is disappear, that's different. That's different. Then the next time they come back into your life, you have to be willing to say, if it's four weeks.

Later.

You have to be willing to call them out on the fact that they disappeared for four weeks. I thought we had a great date. I didn't, you know, I, yeah, yeah. You vanished. What happened? You know, you can say that, but on a smaller scale, we have to create those spaces for people to sell themselves on us.

Yes, space is powerful. Space giving someone space to assess, think about it, miss something, get desire up. There's a lot going on there.

And by the way, when you're creating that space, what are you doing? When you've given them space, what are you finding yourself doing? Are you just the person who's now sitting there waiting? I hope they're thinking about me. I hope they're doing something that's really, you know, they're going to text me any minute now and you're you've created space, but it's all just a ruse. You're sitting there by your phone simply waiting for the next time that they text. Or are you someone who is showing that you have your own life, your own things that you value? Do you have your own opinions on things? Are your opinions just their opinions? Do you have your own sense of self? Do you have autonomy over your own happiness? A sense of self validation? A sense of boundaries? These are the things that make someone attracted even when you're showing interest. Because I am showing that my whole world isn't whether you like me or not. I like you, but I can move on the moment I realize you're not there with me. Because I have autonomy over my life and my happiness, my moods, my direction of travel. Not in a fearful way. Not in a you didn't text me for a day, so I just assumed you didn't like me and I'm out. you know, that's fearful. That's. That's another form of protectionism.

I'm.

I'm so guarded that the moment I even feel slightly threatened, I'm like a, you know, I. I jump out of my skin.

Right.

That's not. That. That's not safety. That's not autonomy over my own mood, my confidence. It's. Oh, if I sense that. that, you know, I like you and, you know, I have a curiosity about you and where this could go. And I've expressed an interest in seeing you again, but I'm not feeling the same as the same thing from you. Then slowly, my attention starts to find homes in, you know, my attention returns to other things in my life. That space that was that little space. that had opened up for that possibility begins to shift to something else. That's how you remain valuable while you're showing interest in somebody else. Ultimately, when two well-balanced, healthy people.

Who.

Want the same thing are attracted to each other. Progress is an organic thing. Progress is natural. If it feels unnatural, either because it's too fast or it's static or frankly someone disappears, it's the result of.

Either.

Mismatched intentions or an emotionally unhealthy or hurt person on one side of the equation, whether it's them in their ability to receive interest or ours in the inorganic or destructive way that we demonstrate interest.

Why are so many people unhappily single? I had a one of my members say to me on a webinar recently, I decided nine months ago to start.

Looking again for love for a partner.

And nine months in, I still haven't met anyone. I'm starting to get frustrated. I'm starting to lose hope and just. I start to wonder why I'm still doing this. And in her tone, I could tell that she was a quite a goal-oriented type a person and that because she wasn't getting the result, she was getting very frustrated. Of course, our love life is in an area we can control in quite the same way that we can other things we can have. huge degree of influence on the direction of our love life. But we can't control if the right person comes into our life this week or next week. We just have to keep putting ourselves in the right spot, doing the right things, and know that at some point that will be a byproduct. The challenge is how to enjoy the journey along the way whilst it's not happening. And we have to go from basing our happiness around getting the result, around meeting the person, to expanding our lives in pursuit perhaps, or not even in pursuit of, that makes it sound like that's the only goal. We have to expand our lives knowing that meeting the right person may be a byproduct of expanding our lives. I know this isn't the greatest time in history to expand our lives when everything that's been going on in the last year has sort of contracted our lives, but that doesn't mean there aren't things we can do. We have to still look for the ways that we can be creative in expanding our lives. And I want to give you three potential ways of looking at this. Three things you could do. One way to expand our lives is to look at the needs that we have to meet every week. You know, for me, I need to meet the need for learning new things. That's like a real basic need for me is that I want to learn more. I'm curious and I always want to be learning. I have the need to train. You know, I like training. I like working out. I like staying in shape.

So I have that need.

I have the need for connection with other human beings. What's a way to meet those needs that is outside my comfort zone or just something that I don't normally do? In January, you know, my friend Lewis Howes, he invited me to go do that ice retreat with Wim Hof for five days with a group of 10 guys. Absolutely not my cup of tea, not something I would do for enjoyment jumping into frozen lakes. and doing 10 minute ice baths. That is not my idea of a good time, although I did have an.

Amazing time and I'm so glad I went.

I could have said to Louis, you know what? I know this is going to be great for me and it's good physical exercise, but I just, you know, I've got jiu-jitsu that week and that's the thing I always do. That's my routine. I'm just going to stick to that. Sticking to that can be a major limitation and doing that retreat with those guys has led to a completely new friendship group in my life as a result. And of course, a new set of skills, new knowledge, new neural Pathways has so many benefits, but it's led to the new. Ask yourself, what way of meeting my old and consistent needs could lead me to the new? I'm still meeting my needs, but I'm meeting them in different ways than I've become accustomed to number start saying yes to the invites of people that you don't normally say yes to, so that you're not just hanging around the same people all the time. When that person you don't see that often says, hey, this thing's going on if you wanted to come, instead of being like, oh, no, I don't know, I'm kind of busy, actually say yes. I know it's uncomfortable. I know it can be a bit difficult to go and be a part of something where you don't know anybody, but that's when new friendship groups come from. Explore a new world through somebody else. And if no one is inviting you to do something new right now, then you go to someone you don't know that well and invite them to do something new. Be the leader in the process. Take the lead. And number three, the 90-minute challenge.

Let me explain this.

Travel, I think, is one of the greatest ways to expand our lives. But so many people can't travel right now. Travel has become more difficult. The 90-minute challenge is find the adventure, find the way that you can be a tourist within a 90-minute driving radius of where you live. Have you ever had that experience of going and doing something close to where you live and going, I can't believe this exists within an hour or an hour and a half of my house. I never knew this was here. This is beautiful. This is stunning. This is amazing. Go do that thing. Now look, I'm not saying that when you go do that thing, you'll meet the right person there, right? You might go there and there's no one there. That's not the point. The point is to expand. The point is to. To enlarge your world. If in the next three years you don't meet anyone as a result of doing this, there is nothing that I've talked about that you will regret. You will still look at those three years as three of the most amazing, beautiful, mind expanding, world expanding. friendship expanding years of your life. But I also believe that if you take this approach to life, that it makes meeting someone as close to inevitable as possible. Do not allow your life to contract. Make a commitment to expansion so that you can be one of those people.

Who can be happily single.

But also hopeful of who might come.

Do you want to change your life? Go to this video now. Make your reaction to things something somebody wants to experience.

I don't think your power is in.

Having sex with a man.

Your power is in what you do afterwards.

Having standards is confidence. Knowing how to communicate them is competence.