In this May 2025 YouTube episode, Matthew AI moderates a round‑table with Audrey and Stephen about common relationship pitfalls that arise when one partner consistently puts the other’s needs first. They begin by sharing results from an Instagram poll: the top grievance (36 %) is partners not respecting what’s important to you, followed by self‑centered conversation (29 %), time‑wasting (26 %) and down‑playing achievements (9 %). Audrey describes how people‑pleasing leads to a loss of personal agency—partners dictate activities, the pleaser’s own interests are minimized, and shame about asking for one’s own needs develops. Matthew expands on this “survival strategy,” explaining that early‑relationship euphoria (oxytocin, dopamine) acts like a drug, causing individuals to ignore core needs while chasing the high. Stephen adds that people‑pleasers feel guilty even when offered a treat that centers them. The trio then shifts to how to break the cycle: they stress the role of clear intention in difficult conversations, framing the goal (e.g., becoming closer) and having a fallback (self‑protection) if the other party remains selfish. Matthew shares his personal approach—confronting passive‑aggressive or selfish behavior with kindness, compassion, and a stated standard, rather than withdrawing. Throughout, they highlight shame around needs, the fear of rejection, and the importance of authentic self‑advocacy. The episode also includes a promotional plug for Matthew’s “Dating Made Simple” masterclass. The overall message is that respecting one’s own priorities, recognizing the drug‑like pull of early romance, and approaching conflict with intentional, love‑based communication are essential for healthier, balanced relationships.
Questions this video answers
36%: don't respect what's important to you; 29%: always talk about themselves; 26%: waste your time (always late/cancel); 9%: downplay your achievements.
50,000 people.
Only available until Friday at midnight (as stated in the video).
About an hour and 45 minutes (the presenter also calls it 'the most important 90 minutes' but notes actual length ~1h45m).
Chapters
I think a huge amount of why people don't respect what's important to us is that we kind of minimize the things that are important to us in the stages where we're just trying to get the relationship to survive. Now, Stephen, take us through this poll that we put out on Instagram.
Yeah.
So we asked our audience, what is a behavior that you let people get away with but wish you didn't? and the results were interesting. So with 36% the top answer was they don't respect what's important to you. The second answer with 29% was they always talk about themselves. Next answer third with 26% was they waste your time, they're always late or they cancel often and finally at the bottom with 9% was they downplay your achievements. So the top answer was people not respecting what's important to you, and slightly below that, people always talking about themselves.
So let's talk about those first, because, okay, Audrey, I'm curious your thoughts on this. They don't respect what's important to you. That was the highest one at 36%. If you were to guess, what are some of the context do you think people mean when they say that?
I suppose it's probably that feeling of when you're in a relationship with somebody and you feel like they're dictating the terms of everything that you do and. you're always sort of, you know, you're always going to them. You're always sort of, I don't know whether that's like going to their side of town, you know, hanging out with their friends, doing the things they like, participating in activities that they're interested in. And there's no real interest and sort of spark of conversation around the things that you maybe want to do and are interested in. And oftentimes, I think what happens is when somebody doesn't make us feel like they are interested in us in that way. We don't feel, especially if we have more of a pleasing tendency, which is a lot of people out there, we don't feel necessarily like we can kind of assert what it is that we want to do, and then we end up feeling like what we want and what we care about just doesn't matter.
Yeah. And it's, it's easy to fall into this vicious cycle of not asking for attention on the things that are important to us because we want to please somebody else and we want to make them happy and we want to be what we think we need to be in order to hold on to them. And so we show a lot of interest in the things that matter to them and go out of our way for the things that matter to them. And for a lot of people, they never really point out how they feel in the beginning, that what's important to me never really gets any airtime and you don't show any interest. People don't tend to point those things out, especially when they're in pleaser mode or when they're feeling insecure about whether they're going to hold on to somebody or whether they're good enough for somebody. It's very natural to go to a place of just making what's important to them important to you because it feels like a survival strategy. in early relationships, and then that gets carried over into the relationship itself. And it then becomes very hard to get out of those patterns to suddenly go from, I have made everything that is important to you, everything that matters to you, the headline in my life. And all the while I feel like there's a part of me that is const, that is withering and malnourished because it never gets any time. I don't even feel like I am. fully myself in this relationship because I don't give appropriate time to the things that are important to me. But it now feels like a huge thing for me to come to you and say, I'm not happy in these ways because it is like a complete about turn from the way that we've been for quite a long time with this person. And then they act shocked, like, where's all this coming from? And that completely validates our fears. that by bringing this up, we're going to rock the boat in ways that threaten the relationship. So it's, I, I think a huge amount of why people don't respect what's important to us is that we kind of minimize the things that are important to us in the stages where we're just trying to get the relationship to survive. And I think part of that, by the way, comes from our fear of not finding anyone, our fear of it never goes well for me, I can't seem to hold on to anyone, or no one ever seems to want a relationship. So when we find someone we like and it's going well, it is really easy to go, the most important thing right now is not what's most important to me. The most important thing is that I get this relationship to work. And if me being all in on the things that are important to them, is a way to get this relationship to work. That's the priority right now.
And you might have that.
Yeah.
The Euphoria drug of it working. And, oh, my God, they're attracted to me and it's going well. Oh, supersede.
You.
You don't realize maybe your needs aren't really being met or it's one-sided.
Guys, quick public service announcement. Before you continue with the video, my big online event that I did last week called dating made simple is. only available until Friday at midnight. I know tons of you have been intending to watch it, but you still haven't. 50,000 people have now come through this live masterclass I did. If you're looking for love, you can't miss this. It'll be the most important 90 minutes you spend this year. It was actually about an hour and 45 minutes. Lovelifereplay.com is the link. Go watch it, make time and watch it till the end. I designed this to be like a movie. It tells a story and it all makes sense by the end. Again, that is only available until Friday at midnight. It's free. I just want to make sure you don't miss it. Okay, lovelifereplay.com I'll see you over there. All right, back to the video. Okay, before you move on from that, I just want to highlight what you just said, because that's really important. Say that again.
I said, well, the beginning, your euphoria, the drug of like, oh my God, I'm getting attraction from this person and it's working. you don't realize in that moment your needs might be being ignored or it's one-sided.
Okay, that is a profoundly important and insightful point. Do you know the experiment that was done on rats where they had access, I think it was to cocaine, or was it heroin? I don't think it really mattered. Something like that. But there was one where they starved to death where they had access to a drug constantly that gave them dopamine. And they went back to it so many times to get that hit that they were no longer focused on their core fundamental needs, in their case of actually eating. Dating can be that powerful of a drug. that we don't realize in the beginning our core needs aren't being met because the euphoria, the high, the oxytocin, the dopamine of feeling close to someone and, you know, getting that reward of like, oh my God, I'm attracted and there's chemistry and it feels like there's progression and all of that. It over overrides everything, and it is a wonderful explanation of how so many of us get into a relationship and get really deep in, go really far down the road before realizing that, like the rats in that experiment, we're not actually getting our fundamental needs met.
Yeah.
And don't you find as well, if you're a people pleaser, it's uncomfortable. You're almost not comfortable being served by someone else in a relationship or getting your needs met. It feels like, oh, I'm taking, or I feel bad. I feel bad that I'm asking, or I feel bad that I want them to do something nice on my birthday. Even you might feel, oh, I don't want to put you out.
Can you talk about that, Audrey, that concept of Shame around your needs? Because I've heard you mention that before, and I Always find that to be just incredibly important for people to hear it put like that.
Yeah, I mean, it's what Stephen's saying, really. It's just, it's, it's, I think a lot of us have a lot of shame around our needs. I think we derive our value from almost being at the service of other people's needs. And, you know, we feel like if we want something, there's something kind of indulgent about that and shameful about that and unattractive. active, and it's gonna, it's gonna push people away. And a lot of it, a lot of this type of kind of thinking comes from just a very deep fear of being, being rejected. Right. And not being wanted. And in a way, having needs is vulnerable because you're showing parts of yourself. You're actually being an authentic version of yourself when you're demanding something and asking for something versus, you know, I I'm not going to ask anything from you and I'm going to be very measured and controlled about what I bring to you, which is, you know, more inauthentic. But I think a lot of us, I think Stephen's point is great. It's so true. A lot of us just have a lot of shame around our needs.
It's almost like as a test, if your partner was like, I've planned a special, it's going to be all about you today and we're going to just do whatever you want and it's all about you. Could you feel comfortable accepting that as a treat? Or would you be like, I don't want to say what I want to do. And, you know, it's like, could you actually accept that as a gift?
Yeah, it's just vulnerable, right?
Yeah, and it just, it just feels indulgent. Oh, it feels wrong. It feels, I feel bad.
The thing that I always try and keep in mind in conversations like this, like any kind of challenging conversation, because I truly believe Our lives improve in direct proportion to our willingness to have challenging conversations. And of course, they can be on the most minor level of having to call up a restaurant, or they could be on the most major level of having a really challenging conversation with your partner or a parent. The word I always have in my mind is intention. Intention, intention, intention. because if ultimately your intentions are pure, you, in a way, you have nothing to fear. That, of course, there's always the fear of adverse consequences of having a difficult conversation. You know, okay, on a minor level, the adverse consequence of calling up a restaurant and saying that is that you might have some unwelcome friction with someone on the phone and it might feel a bit awkward. You might feel a bit embarrassed. It might leave you with a bit of a funny feeling afterwards. But in other circumstances, when it comes to a partner, especially a difficult or abusive partner, or a parent who just will not listen and will gaslight you over the things that you want to bring up or then sometimes there are much more severe consequences that we have to keep in mind. And I do want to temper what I'm saying here with the fact that this, and I know we'll come on to this with one of our listener questions today, the answer is not always tackling a difficult conversation head on, as much as it would, it sounds nice in theory to be like, have every hard conversation head on in reality. that's not always the best tactic in dealing with situations.
No, but what I've seen you do with friends and people in your life is I have seen you sometimes just bring up like someone's making passive aggressive comments or someone seems to have an issue with you or someone is frequently doing something that disrespects your needs. And you are able again in a way that I find very challenging because mine is more like withdraw. Mine is more like I'm going to put them in a timeout and see them less, you know? But I've seen you actually confront those moments and I'm curious. Yeah, you say intent. Like, is that how you get yourself psyched up to like, I'm going to do this uncomfortable thing? Yeah.
Firstly, I'm really flattered that you see me this way. I did to. I never knew before this moment that you saw me this way. And I'm really flattered. It just highlights the difference between how we feel about ourselves and perception of us from the outside, because I, to this day, still feel like I don't have enough of these conversations. And I, you know, I find them challenging. And I hate confrontation. I do not enjoy confrontation. I think that's part of the reason that I have them. It's because I think that the best way for me to avoid confrontation is to have more of them, but in a better way. and sooner. So there's nothing I, in a way that takes away my fear, because I'm not like, I'm gonna go and tell this person, like, how, what I think instead, I'm actually sharing from a place of kindness and compassion, but also demonstrating a standard. So let's imagine that there's a relationship that means a great deal to you, where you're really struggling with something that's going on in that relationship. And let's imagine that you're dealing with a good faith actor, not someone who is genuinely abusive, gaslights, manipulates, will say anything to win the argument. Let's say you're dealing with a good faith actor and there is a fundamental kind of bedrock of love in this relationship.
Because you can have someone who is selfish and doesn't consider you but isn't necessarily, you know, a narcissist or a bad person. They're just selfish and self-absorbed and they're not considering you and they need to be educated.
Exactly.
How to consider you and make you happy.
And when you do that, you're not sharing it because they're so selfish. And I can't wait to tell them how selfish they are. You're doing it with. From a pure place. There's a pure intention there. What's the intention at the end of the day? And you really have to think about this in every difficult conversation in your life. What is the intention? What is the outcome I'm looking for? And it could be in that. outcome in that relationship. The outcome is one of two things. Like, I. My number one outcome is for us to be closer. I want us to be closer. And there's something getting in the way of us being close right now. And in this case, it's their selfishness. Okay. You don't have to frame it like that, but that's what's going on. You can find other ways to frame it, but that's what's getting in the way. But the purest intention, the number one intention, is for us to be closer. The position that you fall back to if being closer isn't possible because they can't change that behavior or they don't have the self-awareness to even admit that they have that behavior is you need to protect yourself. Because no matter what, whether we're close or not, I have to take care of myself. And me being close to you with this behavior not changing doesn't allow me to take care of myself. so that's your fallback position, is, okay, I'm gonna. I'm gonna extricate myself from this relationship or not be as close if I have to. When you know those are your intentions and it comes from nothing but love for this person, and it will be with great sadness if you do have to distance yourself, then we're in that conversation. You have nothing to hide with someone. You're not. There's no smoke and mirrors. There's just love. But the ultimate act of love, if you need to do it, is to start to pull away from this person. Thanks for watching everyone. Leave me a comment. Let me know what you thought of this video. And don't forget to watch Dating Made Simple before it disappears at midnight on Friday. Send it to your friends, your family, anyone you know who really wants to find love but is kind of tired of the state of dating right now. I promise you this will help and it will give you a roadmap for finding love this year. Lovelifereplay.com is the link. Let me know what you think when you watch it. All right, I'll see you soon.
