“I’m Crazy For Him, But He Lives In Another Country. Am I Screwed?”

Welcome to Love Life, everybody. My name is Matthew Hussey and we have another beautiful, wonderful, sexy caller on the line today. Are you there?

Hi, Matthew.

Hi, I'm here. Hello, what's your name?

Hi, I'm Ellie. How are you?

Ellie, I'm great, thank you. I'm great. How are you getting on today?

I'm doing pretty well. I'm so excited to talk with you.

I know, this is fantastic. I'm excited, too. Do you have an exciting question for us?

Oh yeah, I have, I guess it's exciting or devastating, I don't know.

It's exciting if you solve it.

Yeah, exactly. I need professional help at this point.

I will do my best.

Okay, cool. So this whole year I've been basically seeming to only attract completely geographically unavailable men. Every guy I've met this year has been in from out of town, in on work, like totally in and out. And most guys I've been able to like toss out with next week trash, like, okay, whatever, you're like, I can forget about you. And then last weekend I met this guy down in San Diego over the long weekend. And we had like a great time and we spent like two days together and it was time for me to come back to LA and he was leaving back to London where he lives and I've been like, A mess. I am so head over heels for this guy. I can't stop thinking about him, dreaming about him all the time and losing it.

What's your question?

Okay, so I guess my question is, is it possible? And if so, how? Do you keep somebody interested from over 5,000 miles away, halfway across the world? who you really have only known for 48 hours. But like, just have this feeling. Like, I just like, I mean, I felt like the room froze. I felt like my body froze. Like, when I saw this guy, I was just like, like the world stopped. And that doesn't, that never happens, like, to me ever. And so I, I don't know. I want to keep him around and I need help. And I'm like, you know, like, how do you go about this? Like, we've been talking every day since since we met and since he got back and I need help.

What is he doing? Does he travel a lot as part of his job or is he pretty fixed in London?

No, he's set in London. He's an electrical engineer there and he was only here on a 10-day holiday with friends and we just met out, like, downtown San Diego.

Okay, so it's not like he hasn't got more reasons to come to the. The states and he has a career path there in London.

No, no, not for work. No.

Okay. Do you have any desire to move to London?

I mean, I'm such a California girl. Like, I think I would freeze, but I would definitely, like, want to go there. I mean, I. I don't think I would move to London, but, like. I don't know. I want to be close to him.

So my, the reason I'm asking such extreme questions, which, and I know that as you hear them, you'll probably think it's a huge thing for me to ask these things, but I like to start these kinds of relationships with some really sobering questions about when I look at it, what's the reality of the two, even if the two of us both want the same thing, what's the reality of us both doing this together in the same place? And what you're telling me makes that sound very difficult right off the bat. So that concerns me. Now, that's not to say that, you know, maybe the two of you have very intense feelings for each other, but that part concerns me greatly because sometimes we meet someone and we hit it off and, and we find them amazing, and we are setting ourselves up for a world of pain. And what might be painful now to let go of will be far more painful to let go of six months from now or a year from now. So, and I say that, trust me, I say that from experience. I, you know, I have dated people on the other side of the world for Two year stints where, you know, at the end of it, when we finally realized, wow, we're not gonna be doing this together for forever. It was very, very painful and, you know, no regrets, but I, you know, I could have saved myself an awful lot of pain had I decided to let somebody go a lot sooner. So I think that's just something to put on your radar. It doesn't mean it's gonna change anything you do, right? I know women better than to think that a little bit of logic here or there is suddenly gonna change everything. But I'm just putting that out there as some caution. Now, the other cautionary note I wanna add, and I'm not, again, I'm not coming to you as the pessimist, but I just wanna make sure that I'm playing devil's advocate for you. And then you can afterwards tell me if you think I'm wrong about everything. The danger when we meet someone for, say, a weekend, and especially when they're traveling from out of town, and then they leave, is that there is the tendency for us to really glorify and romanticize the time that we have had with them. Now, it doesn't mean it wasn't special. I'm not saying it wasn't special, and I'm not saying that you two don't have a great connection. But what might seem like a wonderful, special, great connection if someone was, say, your next-door neighbor, is different from what appears to be a wonderful, glorious romantic connection when someone is going halfway across the world. There is something always more romantic about the fact that someone is leaving and we now can't get to them. And that does have human beings do have this natural tendency when someone gets out of reach to really fantasize and create this kind of drama from it. So that's something to keep an eye on. Don't glorify it or make it better than it is simply because that person has gone halfway across the world. Because I did when you were mentioning that in the last year, I think you said the last year you had just met so many people who were traveling and leaving town, and that seemed to be the only types of people you were meeting. I. I have to be the skeptic when you say that, because my question would be, does what you feel it.

What.

What you feel with this guy, is it truly something that cannot be found where you are with someone who is. in a situation to be able to actually move that relationship forward. Now, if this guy on the other end of Skype is talking to you right now and saying, we have to find a way, we have to find a way, we have to make this work, then that's something because at least then the two of you are in the same place, you're both saying the same thing and you're both saying, how do we figure this out? I almost feel I can give you ways to keep this guy interested and I'll throw out a couple, but I feel like it's borderline irresponsible for me to do that because what I'm worried about is you keeping someone interested that is gonna stay attracted to you and therefore keep talking to you because there's a massive attraction but doesn't have the intention of actually moving it forward with you. And that's a, there's a big difference between those two things. There's a big difference between massive attraction and massive intention. Does that make sense?

Yeah, it really does.

So in terms of keeping someone interested, the key is that when they're long distance, there quickly is a monotony that's developed. You end up having very similar conversations. each day. Very often, if we have set working schedules, we end up talking at the same time each day. And the things that tend to create the most problems under the surface are the fact that we can't touch and kiss and hug, and we can't be intimate. Those things have the biggest... They create the biggest pressure because they become the elephant in the room. Two people are away from each other. They both have needs. They both want this to happen, but they're not getting their needs met all the way. So there's a couple of keys here. One is you need to stay interesting through the things you talk about because you don't have sometimes when someone is with us and they're not that interesting, we can still think they're interesting if they're a good kisser. You know what I mean? Like if they're a good kisser and they give us a good hug and we like touching them, They can be interesting just by being there. But when we don't have those crutches, we really do have to be interesting in the things that we say. So then it's really important to talk about the things that are going on in your life and the exciting things that you're up to in your week. To be interested, 'cause a big part of being interesting is being interested. So really being interested in what's going on in his life. He's gonna want to talk to you. each night if he feels like you're actually invested in what he's up to and what he's doing in his life. There's nothing quite like going home from work and talking to someone who gets us. And if you get him and you understand his life more and you get to know things in his life so you can ask him those personal questions, he's gonna really look forward to talking to you because you won't just be a focus of attraction, you'll be a focus of connection, you'll be an actual, a real friend. which is really important. So that's one thing. But the other thing, of course, is the opposite side of that, which is if you're not careful, you end up becoming more and more friends and you lose the desire because you don't have the physical touch to generate desire. So in that sense, it's really important that your interactions are peppered with moments that you stress how much you want him, that stress how much you need him in the physical sense that are, have little moments of cheekiness and, and playfulness and naughtiness. And, you know, I'm always, you know, I always have to add a big note of caution here in terms of Skype sex and things like that, because we live in a world where people aren't, you know, in the habit of recording things and all sorts of, of things like that. So I always think there's a I always feel like I need to add a cautionary note to say be careful, but in it, but some form of sexuality, whether it's actually having Skype sex or whether it's simply, you know, looking pretty when you when you jump on Skype with him and telling him that he looks gorgeous and that you wish you could grab him right now. And, you know, those little moments where you experience sexuality with him. It's so important that you continue to experience those because at least then, even though he can't, he can't do the things with you that he may want, he's experiencing his ego as a man is still being expressed and he feels important and he feels like you still see him as a sexual being. There's nothing worse than having a sexual connection with someone and bisexual connection. I'm not saying you guys have had sex or you have, or you haven't. But what I'm saying is when we have that real sexual attraction with someone and then we get long distance and all of a sudden the sexuality leaves the situation, that's when things start to go downhill. So you've got to increase connection with him, but you've also got to increase desire with him. Connection is going to be increased by getting him more involved in the things that are going on in your life, but also showing him that you get his life on a level that other people don't. and desire is going to be stoked by making sure that he still feels attractive and he still feels sexy even though you guys are apart.

It's so crazy to me that there's like this allure to like unavailable men in this way when it just makes everything this much more difficult to balance. Like everything you've told me makes so much sense, but it just seems like the juggling act of of executing those and not too much and not too little and like is so hard. And so it makes me question like why we are so into unavailable men.

Well, I think there's a, there are a number of reasons for that. There's a whole other interesting subject. I mean, I think partly it's to do with our, we have a kind of scarcity complex sometimes in our lives where we, we don't think there's enough of something. And so when we find it, even if it's in the wrong form or the wrong person or the wrong situation, we convince ourselves that there isn't anyone else out there that could have that. You know, you may have unknowingly convinced yourself that this great connection you felt with this guy is not available to you anywhere else. Which of course it is. And if you were to hold out and say, you know, what you could do is say in a very empowering way, ah, this has been a great thing because this has reminded me that it's possible for me to have this kind of a connection with someone. Now I just need to go and find it with someone who's actually in a situation that can take it forward. But how wonderful that I've had this little reminder in life that this kind of connection is available. So you could, you could actually take that frame of reference. But I think we do it because of a scarcity complex of not thinking there's enough. I think we also do it because we We, our brains immediately, when someone is leaving or when something is leaving us, it's the toy we can't play with anymore. And when someone, we can have a toy in our bedroom our whole lives, and then someone takes it away and we go, no, I want it. But we haven't been playing with it. So it's like whenever something becomes more attractive because it's not there, we must always suspect our motives and be skeptical of them. And that's why I started my advice with that because I really want you to, I don't want you to become a cynic, but I do want you to suspect your motives in this situation. And even if it's as beautiful as you say it is, which it may well be, I still believe you can find it again in someone that is in a suitable situation in life for you. Yes, absolutely. In your zip code. And, but look, that's an empowering thought. The fact that, you know, some people look at that and they're like, oh, my God, woe is me. I found this amazing guy and leaving. Other people look at it and they're like, thank God this exists. Like, this would be far worse if this didn't, if this never happened, it would be so much worse. The fact that it happened means it can happen again and it can happen in a much more suitable way next time.

Yeah. Thank you. I know. It was like that electrifying feeling that, like, I swear, I just have not had in so long. And it's, like, so enlivening. And so, like, even if, I guess, in the long run, like, that's what I take from him.

I would, I would. And, you know, if he, if some bonus happens where he shows up on your doorstep and says, guess what, I'm here now, then, yeah, then, then you can deal with that situation. But right now, I would take the, the, what I think is the real lesson from this, which is what an, what an incredible thing that this can happen in life. And, and you've been reminded of that now. And there are so many women out there who don't even think that exists anymore because they haven't felt it in so long. You're one of the lucky ones because you have felt it and you know it exists. and that belief system that exists can be the thing that carries you forward now to find it in someone more suitable.

Yeah, without so much luggage.

Mm-.

Cool.

Well, thank you for calling in, Ellie. It's been a real pleasure. And I feel like we've done not just you a favor. I think by talking about this openly, so many people will have been helped by this. So I really do appreciate you bringing these things to light.

Totally. And you sound just like him, so that's also kind of charming.

See, look, I'm already proving that we're not that rare.

She's not the only one.

Exactly. Look how common we are. Gosh, we're so common. Exactly. God, we're so easy to come by. Go find another one. All right, lovely. Take care of yourself, all right?

Okay, you as well.

Thank you. All right, you too. Bye-bye. And by the way, guys, call in if you have a question that you want answered here on Love Life. The number is 844-2020. that's 844-204-MATT with two T's. And make sure to come join me on Facebook if you haven't already followed me on Facebook. Come like the page. It's facebook.com/CoachMatthewHussey. I'll see you soon.