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Hello, everybody. Welcome to dating made simple. I see we have people coming in from all over the world right now. Thousands of you. This is absolutely incredible. Leave me a comment. Let me know where you are right now. Let me know if you're excited to be here. And thank you so much for showing up and spending your time with me. This is such a big and emotional area of our lives. You know, we reduce it to words like dating, but dating doesn't describe what's really going on here. At the core of this is that we're all people who want love in our lives. This is an area of our life that we want so badly to work out. And it's so hard when it's not working out in the way that we'd hoped. You know, maybe you thought you'd be married by now. Maybe you thought you wouldn't be divorced by now. You want to go out there and look, because by the way, so many of us are shamed for being single. How many people have ever felt like they're shamed for being single, for not finding a relationship, for not having found anyone right now? Who here feels like at the dinner table at home sometimes you feel shamed for being single? How many of you feel like you're shamed when you're on a first date for being single and someone says, so why are you not in a relationship? But then if we start looking too hard, we get shamed for looking. Why are you being so desperate? Why are you going out there and looking in this? Why don't you just let it come to you? So then we get shamed for going out there and looking for love. It can feel like there's no winning in this area of our life. And then we go out there and when we do look, we meet people we're not excited by. How many people feel like I spend my whole life meeting people that don't actually excite me? And then once in a while, when we do meet someone and we feel like there's some glimmer of hope, I had a great date, this felt like something that could actually be something, that person then doesn't call you back or they fade or they ghost. Meanwhile, it feels like our pool is shrinking. Many of us feel like, and I don't believe this is true for one second, but our lived experience is that we feel like our value is decreasing as we age. And the evidence we have for that is the fact that it feels harder than ever. It feels like we're getting less attention. It feels like there's less people around. And we have this fundamental fear that there must be something wrong with us. That I am broken, that I'm getting left behind. We see our friends pairing up and getting married and finding what we're looking for. We're happy for people, but if we're honest, there's also this feeling of pain when we see other people. We could go for a walk in the park and see other people walking around with their family, with their partner, with their kids. We see visions of what we want so badly. I'm sure we're all generous people and kind people here and we're happy for other people, but it still hurts. This is an area of our life that if we're not careful can drown out the joy in other areas of our lives. It can feel like when this isn't right, nothing in my life is right. You know, we try to lose ourselves at work, we try to go on vacations, we try to experience great things in our life, but for a lot of us we feel like I'm not, this is poisoning other areas of my life because I feel lonely or I feel anxious or I'm continuously worried that this is never going to happen for me. And that's not stupid. That doesn't make anyone pathetic for thinking that. I remember going on a vacation to Mexico. I took myself on a vacation thinking, I'm going to go and have a good time on my own. I really distinctly remember getting there and I was in this amazing place and I was looking around the lobby of this hotel and I had this overwhelming feeling of wanting to share it with someone and it's almost like I wanted to turn to my right and be like, Isn't this incredible? And I was on my own and I felt this real sense of melancholy about that. It was like this bittersweet feeling. I'm experiencing something wonderful but I want to experience it with somebody. How many people relate to what I'm talking about here? Let me just see in the comments. And Simona, I see you, Dave, good to see you here. Hi John, hi Joanne, hi Nicole. Leave me a comment right now. Maybe we can scroll down on those as well. I can see some. Jane, you're experiencing that. Leave me a comment if you relate to what I'm saying so far, because it's nice for other people to see that they're not alone too. Let other people know. If you're worried about this, I'm feeling it too. You're not alone. Socieda, Jamie, Hannah, Crystal, so good to see you all in the chat, by the way. Thank you for showing up to this and being here with me live. Okay, so, The reason that I decided to do this session that I am calling Dating Made Simple is because more than ever, I feel connected to how powerful it is when we are able to find and attract the right person. And what I know, it's been true for me, it's been true for thousands upon thousands of people I've coached, is that it can all change in any moment. Your love life can change like that. And you have way more control over it than you think you do. So today, what I want to show you is how to get back control in this area. And I want to compliment all of you on being learners. I want to honor all of you because you're here. And that makes you like me because I've been going to seminars and different learning sessions and trying to educate myself and improve myself since I was a teenager. I mean, one of the first events I went to, I was 14 years old. I didn't have a credit card or I couldn't buy anyone's program, but I wanted to. Because for me, I was always thirsty to learn. And you're here not because you're just someone who's struggling, you're here because you actually want to do better than the average. You don't just want to get into an average relationship. You know, I'm in a marriage now. I want to do better than the average marriage. I remember being at a marriage conference early in my career. I got invited to do this event where I was speaking in front of a big crowd of brides-to-be. And over here was was the flower exhibition and over here was the caterers who were selling their services. And they asked me, Matthew, can you come and just do a keynote on relationships and how people can make them better? I tell you, I have never spoken in front of a more disengaged crowd in my life. These people who were getting married were like, I don't need you. I found someone. I got married. What are you gonna tell me about my man? There was that kind of attitude towards it. that is not a winning attitude. And I remember thinking that day, I was a lot more naive and less experienced than I am today. But even then I remember thinking they're gonna struggle if they're not careful because the work starts now. It doesn't end now. I always get so frustrated. I have a program called the Love Life Coaching Program. And I have many people who go through that program and they find the love they're looking for. One of my biggest frustrations is when someone will tell me a year later, Matthew, because of you, because of this program, I've now found my so thanks very much. I used to be a member, but now I found my person. And I'm like, what are you doing? This is where it starts. This is the beginning, not the end. So I never understood the desire to stop learning. For me, I always wanted to keep learning, and I wanted to learn from the best of the best. I have been around some of the most incredible people in my life, amazing psychologists, amazing therapists, the Dr. Ramani's of the world, the Esther Perels of the world, incredible people. And I've learned so much. And I've also been on a 20-year journey with this stuff myself. so I have a whole lot of my own stuff to bring to the table. And I'm going to give you as much as I can in the 90 minutes we have today. So I know you already made room in your day for this, but give yourself a clear 90 minutes to be with me right now. How often do you get an opportunity like this to be together with thousands of people in one place like this, to be with me like this? This is a really special moment, so mark out that 90 minutes. And I'm so excited. What I've created for you today in Dating Made Simple is four secrets to finding love 2025. But before we learn those four secrets that I'm going to share with you, we have to understand what is going on in dating right now. What is happening in the culture? Because I designed this to be a moment, not just to be another kind of random event or webinar. I came along right now, I said to my team, we have to do this now because I'm seeing so many comments out there from people struggling. from people not knowing why it's so hard, what's going on, how to get out of it. And spoiler alert, it's a mess. Dating is a mess right now. And it's a mess because of what I call the Netflix Effect. The Netflix Effect. What is the Netflix Effect? The Netflix Effect, everyone who hears streams, you know, is on Netflix or whatever service you use. Who here has the experience of there being so much choice but no quality? Who here has ever had the experience of scrolling on your TV non-stop, looking at the thumbnails, trying to decide what to watch, and then getting kind of addicted to the scrolling? I've had nights where I'm sat with my family, my cousin Billy, who's here right now, my wife Audrey, where we sit there and we're scrolling and we don't even get to anything. It turns out the whole night was just a scroll. That was what the activity was. That's what dating is for so many people. people now. The activity has become swiping, not the relationship. It used to be the case that the activity was the relationship. Meeting people was just what you did in order to get there. It's also hard if you take the Netflix effect to get the attention of people. What do we pay for Netflix? Like 30 bucks a month for millions and millions and millions and millions and millions of dollars of entertainment. And we expect to be entertained non-stop, don't we? We expect to be made to feel exhilarated and thrilled and happy and euphoric at how great the content is all the time for our $30 a month. That's what relationships are like today. People can't settle in because they've lost the ability to focus, to be present, to sit with something, to explore the nuanced beauty of it. Instead, it's like, do you make me feel enough? Do you make me feel excited enough? Do you make me feel happy enough? Do you make me feel enough chemistry? Am I on the roller coaster that I wanted to be with you where it feels amazing all of the time? Our standards have gone so far up that there's a level of entitlement in dating now, sometimes in us and a lot of the time in other people, where it's hard for anyone to get our attention and it's hard for us to get other people's attention. Our attention span is short. By the way, the Netflix effect. What happens? Netflix pumps out more TV shows than movies. Why? It's really hard to get someone to sit down and watch a movie. A relationship is a movie. Hookups, situationships, how many people are sick and tired of hookups and situationships? Put your hands up in the comments. They have gone through the roof. Why? Because our attention spans have decreased. It takes effort to watch the movie that is a lifelong relationship. And because we expect constant novelty. And by the way, this has nothing to do with your worth. Right? You can put an A-list actor in a movie these days and still no one will watch it. It used to be the case that you could put Robert De Niro in a movie and everyone would watch it. How many of you saw Robert De Niro's last movie? Five of you. That's who. So it can feel like it's impossible. How do I stand out enough to ever get anyone's attention in a world where the Netflix effect has taken hold, not just in entertainment, but in our dating lives? And none of this, by the way, none of how much we hate this, changes how much we want to find love. But there is a unique opportunity with all of this right now. And the unique opportunity is this. What the streamers know is that if they want you to watch a movie, they have to get you to minute 20. Because minutes 17 to 20 is the point at which a viewer unconsciously decides, is this story going somewhere I care about? And if the viewer makes it past the 17 to 20 mark, they are much more likely to finish the movie. So our job, if we want someone to commit to a real relationship with us in a time where it feels like so few people are willing to do that, is we have to learn how to get people to minute 21. I want you to write that down, minute 21. We have to get people to minute 21. Now here's the problem. Between minute 0 and minute 20, we have what we call the investment gap. I hope you're taking notes by now. There's going to be a lot of information today, so write fast. From 0 to 20, we have the investment gap. The investment gap is when you know that it feels so hard to get anyone to stop and watch your movie that when they actually do, when you have a great day and it's someone you actually like, the stakes feel impossibly high. But even at the point of having a great date with someone, they still feel non-committal. We're ready to give more, we're ready to invest, but the gap is that they're not. They still are just giving you enough to keep you around, but not enough that you ever feel safe in the situation. And then who has ever felt this? In really subtle ways, you don't feel like things are moving, but you don't know how to bring that up because you don't want to look desperate. In fact, you don't quite know why, but you feel afraid to bring up anything about your intentions or where it's going. So then what happens is we become reactive. We become anxious. We start overthinking. Our biggest concern stops being our happiness or our well-being and we suddenly just become preoccupied with not scaring someone off. So we become afraid to ask for more and we simply start adjusting to their pace. This is the investment gap. And without realizing it, we solidify this gap early when we teach someone that we will accept less to avoid losing them. You have the power to change this. You can overcome the investment gap and that is the key to modern dating. If you can get to minute 21, it's like skiing downhill from there. So, I'm going to show you how to do this today. What we need is a playbook for modern dating. That's what today is all about. And since it's called Dating Made Simple, we are going to keep this nice and simple. So, there are four secrets you need to know to get to minute 21 and beyond. You ready for this? Who here is excited they came already? Jeremy, pull up the comments for me. I just want to see. Who here feels like they're in the right place right now? Amazing.

So.

Let'S do this. Secret number one. These comments are going insane right now. This is amazing. All right, secret number one. In order to get past minute 21, we have to learn how to stand out by creating deep and lasting attraction. So I want you to write that down. Deep, as in not superficial and lasting attraction. In other words, an attraction doesn't just fade a few weeks in because someone gets sucked in by the novelty of someone else. Okay? So deep and lasting attraction is getting people invested on a whole different level in early dating. Now to create deep and lasting attraction, we have to master what I call the attraction formula. The attraction formula. Write that down. And the attraction formula has four different parts to it, four different ingredients. By the way, if you feel any resistance to the idea of learning attraction, there are things you can learn to get more attraction. Okay, I've been doing this for nearly two decades of my life. And you should be yourself, right? That's no question. We should all be ourselves in dating. But make no mistake, people who are getting more attraction than everybody else are doing things, even unconsciously, that are getting them that attraction. They may not know what they're doing, but I promise you they're doing them. To say that there's nothing you can learn would be like you telling me, Matthew, I have a one-hour speech to give this weekend. Any advice? And I said, Just be yourself. That's all I do. That would be completely disingenuous. There are a hundred things I've learned about public speaking over the 17 years that I've been doing it in my life that would help you in that situation. So me saying be yourself would be disingenuous advice. It wouldn't be untrue, but it would be missing the point of all the things you to do to give a great speech. So we're going to learn how to be master communicators and master attractors by these different ingredients. The first one, okay, let's start new, we're going to need a new page for this. So the first one is chemistry. The first part of our attraction formula is chemistry. Chemistry is the initial fuel that gets someone to want to see us again. and it is not just an alchemy, right? I know this because there are things that we do that get in the way of us creating chemistry, right? If it was just an alchemy, no matter what, we'd show up on a date and we'd have this attraction for each other, no matter how we behaved. We know that's not true. Why? Because nerves can get in the way of us not showing enough of ourselves, not being playful.

Right?

How many of you are more playful with your best friend than you ever are with someone that you meet that you're attracted to? And yet, playfulness is required for chemistry. But we can't play with someone that we put on a pedestal and we're afraid of and we think is better than us. Now look, there are a thousand different ways to create chemistry. If we get more time together, I'll show them to you. But let's have a couple of examples because it can look like a lot of things. One example, let's say you had a great night with someone. Let's say that you went on a date and the two of you, you did what I advise people to do on a first date, which is go on a short date where you both go your separate ways at the end of the evening, maybe do something else. You see your friend's they see theirs. Now, at the end of the night, because you leave them halfway through the night, you go home or you see your friends, at the end of the night, you can send them a text and you can do one of two things. I'm going to give you the non-chemistry message first. You can say, I had a great night. Nothing wrong with that, but it's not chemistry. Chemistry would be saying, I hope you managed to enjoy the rest of your night without me. And maybe you put a little smirking emoji, right? Why does that work? It's playfully self-assured. There's something borderline like, it's not arrogant, but there's like a healthy amount of, I know you had a great time with me. I'm great company. I hope you manage to enjoy the rest of your night without me. Smirk. And that smirk is important because it shows you're being playful.

Right?

So that's a flirtatious chemistry creating message. Let's try another one. Instead of when someone compliments you, let's say someone sends you a complimentary message. Instead of saying, thank you, that's really sweet, which by the way, nothing wrong with that, but it's not chemistry. Chemistry would be if you changed, thank you, that's really sweet, to making me blush in public over here. And you put a little blushing emoji. Now, why does that work for chemistry? Because it's like it made you feel something involuntarily, and there's something kind of sexy about that. I didn't want to blush in public. but you have a kind of power over me. There's this, and it's small, it's a playful power, but it's like you have an effect on me. I didn't want to blush in public, and I am. That's kind of sexy, that's kind of fun, that builds tension.

Right?

That's chemistry. By the way, we asked Matthew AI a question. I'm going to pull this up right now because we asked Matthew AI a question about how to create chemistry. this is what Matthew AI said. They reach out to you and you, let's say you're texting with someone and you say, I shouldn't even be texting you right now. I'm supposed to be focusing on insert task, but you're distracting in the best way. It's a great message. That wasn't from me, but. Well, it kind of was. It was from me, but it was via Matthew AI. So we asked Matthew AI how to create chemistry by text, and Matthew AI said, I shouldn't even be texting you right now. I'm supposed to be focusing on my work, but you're distracting in the best way. Shout out to everyone who's using Matthew AI right now. Leave a comment and let everyone know if you've been using what have you been using Matthew AI for? This thing is blowing people away. By the way, there's also non-verbal ways that you can create chemistry. If you're on a date with someone and you give them a look while they're speaking to you, and maybe they're getting very excited or passionate about something, you could just look at them and you know that look you give someone when you're looking at them, not in a nervous way or a way where you're trying to keep the conversation going where you go, okay, oh, that's interesting. Oh, so when did you do that again? Oh my God, yeah, I've done something like, that's not chemistry. Chemistry is someone speaking to you and you're looking at them and you're saying, I'm taking in what you're saying right now and it's really interesting, but I'm also like finding you really hot saying it. You know that look you give someone like, I'm taking it in, but you also look good right now. That's chemistry. But so many of us aren't doing this. There are so many practical things that you can do to create chemistry. And they increase your chances of getting to minute 21. Remember, that's the goal. Get to minute 21, 100 fold. But chemistry is just one component of this cake that we call the attraction formula. So what is the second part of the formula? The first one is chemistry. The second one is connection. Connection. So there was a quote from Bruce Springsteen that I loved. Never forgot it. He said, when he's entertaining people on stage, he said, you need to know something about audiences. They want to feel excited. and at home all at once. If chemistry is making someone feel excited and there are many ways to do that, connection is making someone feel at home. There are many ways to make someone feel at home. By the way, every single one of these is a huge subject. I can't do it justice in the few minutes that I get to spend with you today for each one of these. I want to show you what's possible with these. Connection comes from building deep rapport with someone. Now, one of the ways we do that is to enter someone's world. We have to enter their world, their way of thinking, their way of seeing things. And a very easy and simple technique you can use to do that is to ask emotional questions instead of logical questions. A logical question is, You know, what book are you reading? Or what movie have you loved recently? An emotional question is when you say, oh, that's your favorite movie. That's so interesting. I love that. Why do you think that movie spoke to you? Or what do you think it was about that film? I'm so curious why you love that movie. Once you ask those questions, those are emotional questions. And now you go from the logic of them sharing facts to now you're sharing your soul. Now you're sharing who you are and when you enter someone's world you build a deeper connection. The other way you do it is by sharing your world. So you can enter their world. I hope you guys are making notes. Or you can share your world. Obviously you're going to do both. Now some of you will say that's really hard to share my world when I go on dates and someone doesn't ask me any questions. Right? What do you do when you go on a date and someone doesn't ask you anything? Well, first we have to realize that one of the reasons is sometimes people don't ask anything because they're not curious. But sometimes we fall into the trap of pleaser energy where we go on a date thinking our value is only to do with how curious we are. So we ask question after question and the person is like, I'm really enjoying. I'm talking more about me than I get to do at any other time in my life. We have to sometimes take the wheel. And the moment you can take the wheel is in any question whatsoever. When someone asks you, how are you? You don't have to answer logically and say, I'm good, thanks. How are you? All right, that's tennis. Tennis conversation isn't tennis, it's basketball. All right, take the ball, dribble it a little bit. You answer with a deeper answer. How are you? Oh man, I'm good. I just had this, I've been reading this book today or for the last couple of days and it has really like taken over my brain. I keep thinking about it. What was it about? What was it? It was this thing. You know, you ever have a moment, now you're talking, now you're sharing your world, and they're getting to see the magic that is your brain. So enter their world, share your world by answering monotonous everyday questions with deeper answers. And lastly, create a shared world. This is the pinnacle of connection, right? This is the pinnacle. This is I see you and I like what I'm seeing. This is you see me and you like what I'm seeing. This is we have something all of our own, our own. And one of the great ways to do this is with the callback. After a date, find a way to call back to something that happened on the date. That's one of the ways you create a shared world. There are many, but that's one of them. Me and Audrey were not on a date with someone. We were on a friendship date with a friend of ours. And it was really funny on the date. I can't remember, we were at a sushi restaurant and we were talking about crabs and I can't remember how we got onto it. But we had referenced the movie Jaws earlier in the meet-up in the dinner. And this person joked about crabs and said just like in Jaws. Of course, Jaws has nothing to do with crabs, but that was the joke. he was saying, Just like in Jaws, there's no crabs in Jaws. Then when we got onto something else, another fish, he was like, Just like in Jaws. Now, after the dinner, I got home and it was funny because we had been talking about like giant squid. And we got home and he sent a message and he was like, Hey, tell Audrey there's actually, they've just spotted the first like giant squid on camera. And I wrote back and I said, just like in Jaws. That's the moment where you go, I saw that joke. I heard that joke. I'm calling back to that joke. You create a shared world with someone. Too many people are thinking logically about just moving forward the conversation instead of going, what was the joke on the date that I can bring back right now in the form of a callback? So again, there are 100 ways to build connection. You could do it through how you elicit and receive vulnerability in the other person. You can do it by creating what I call me to moments. the law of reciprocity, the echo effect, which is how you remember and repeat details to people, the art of conversation, which, you know, that tennis basketball analogy has a lot of depth to it. The perceiving them in a unique way that no one else does is another important part of connection. It is an art form. But to make someone feel simultaneously seen while allowing them to truly see you in a way that's magnetic, that is what creates it. And without connection, chemistry just leads to hookups. When you have connection, you don't just have chemistry. You don't just miss sex with them. You don't just miss the fun with them. You miss their presence. So that's the second part of our attraction formula. The third part is what we call perceived value. By the way, out of interest, just in the comments right now. If you were to say, in my dating life, I'm already beginning to realize listening to this, I'm not creating enough chemistry or I'm not creating enough a connection or I need to learn more about both, put which one in the comments. Put either chemistry connection or both. I just want to see those comments for a moment. Chemistry connection or both. Now while we're doing that, let's move on to perceived value. Let me ask you a question. I see Anthony, you saying, I'm not creating connections. Roar, I'm not creating connections. A lot of you saying both. A bunch of people, Rip Weaker, saying chemistry. Stephanie says both, sir. Okay, good. All right, great. Well, that I think is beautiful to expose a blind spot, because what we're really exposing is that we have more control than we realize. that there's more we can do than we've been doing. So let's move on to the third component of our attraction formula, perceived value. Let me ask you a question. Do any of you want to be shortchanged in your love life? Do any of you want to feel like the person that you ended up attracting was not that great? Of course not. We all want to feel like we're getting the best person that we can. Now, the problem is, for so many of us, we are not presenting as a catch to other people. That doesn't mean we aren't a catch, by the way. They're very different things. It just means we're not presenting as a catch. People are always assessing whether we're going to make their life better or worse. Or as James Hollis says, is this person going to enlarge or diminish me? In attraction, write this down because this is so important. The value we have, and remember I said in attraction, not in life. In attraction, the value we have counts for nothing. The value we communicate counts for everything. And there are three Three ways of communicating value. Three ways of communicating value. The first way of communicating value.

I.

Have so much to get you guys in these 90 minutes, so forgive my handwriting as I try and write as fast as possible. There are three forms of communicating value. One is by showing who we are as a person. Who am I as a person? My personality, my characters, my character rather, what I represent. The second way is through the life we bring, the life we bring to somebody else. Do I come with a world that you want to be a part of? And then the third thing is what we actually do. for someone? What we do for someone. All right, I'm going to give you a little test right now. Of these three, which do you think most people in dating over-rely on to the point where it causes them all sorts of problems? Which one? I'm not going to tell you right now. I'm just going to ask you that question. We'll come back to it in a moment. so let's start with who we are. What's an example of that? Well, one way we, we show who we are in a valuable way is by expressing passion and expressing passion, not in a way where I'm trying to, like, so tell you about something that I'm excited about or passionate about in life and hoping that, yeah, like, do you think that, too? Do you, do you like that, too? Do you think that's stupid? Not doing it in that way? Doing it in a connected way, in an unself-conscious way, where I'm not worried about what you think of it. You know who was a great example of that? I don't know if you're gonna see this one coming. Steve Irwin, the crocodile hunter. How many of you knew Steve Irwin as a personality? How many people ever watched those shows? Steve Irwin had a magnetism about him. You know, when he talked about it, there was one of my favorite clips of Steve Irwin is him crouched behind a log, looking at these alligators who are devouring a hippo carcass. And there's an army of them, and they're all like chomping on this hippo that's dead in the water. And he's crouching behind these logs, and he's calling over the camera, and he's, My God, look at this. These crocs are having their dinner all at once. And the excitement and the passion in his voice, as I watched it, it made me smile. It made me smile. And then as they were finishing, he goes, Look, the hippo is floating down the river. They don't even know he's gone. And then he goes, I'll tell you what. He looked at the camera with no irony. He goes, I'll tell you what. This is one of the greatest moments I've ever had in my life. And you, I realized something in that moment. We don't watch Steve Irwin so that we can witness crocodiles. We watch crocodiles so that we can witness Steve Irwin. Steve Irwin was the show. He was who we were watching. Because when someone is passionate about something, and you don't have to be like that big energy on a date, but when you can speak about something with that glint in your eye, someone sees the things you care about and the magic of your mind. So, if we want to show more value in who we are, there's a different level of passion that we have to bring to our lives. Let me give you a completely different example of how to show value in who you are. Someone texts you, let's say you've been on a good date with them and then they text you. Instead of texting back, shoot a selfie video of you in the middle of what you're doing. Let's say you're cooking a meal and you're about to go visit your sister or something and you're like, hey, what's going on? I'm here. I thought I'd just make you a little video. I am in the middle of cooking a delicious meal. And then I'm going to see my sister. It was really nice to hear from you. By the way, this is what I'm cooking. Aren't you sad that you don't get to share in this? Anyway, I gotta go. It was nice hearing from you. Hope you're having a great day. When you do that, you're showing a number of things that are very rare, by the way, in dating today. It's human and there is a premium in 2025. Remember, I want to be about creating the modern dating playbook right now. And in a world that has become increasingly untrusting, increasingly two-dimensional, increasingly devoid of real humanity and aliveness, we have to be human. We have to bring aliveness. So this is human and it's going to make you stand out. It also shows that you own yourself. that you're confident enough to make a video and it showcases you in the middle of life. In other words, you're not sitting in a corner going, okay, so I thought I'd make you a video. Let me tell you, you're not doing that. You're in the middle of cooking, you brought them into your day, you're showcasing yourself in the middle of life. And if you're too scared to do that, do a voice note, do a picture if you're too scared, but do something that brings that kind of humanity and confidence into the equation. That's how you start showing who you are. and differentiating yourself. How do you show the life you bring? There's an easy one. When you're with someone, talk about, let's say, an amazing component of your life. Talk about your amazing friends. You're on a date and tell them, my friends, they're amazing. I feel so lucky to have the people I have in my life. And, you know, I have this one friend who she's this, she's that, she's amazing. He's, you know, he's such an incredible like, talk about people with that reverence because what you're really saying is, I'm a valuable person. Not only do I not need you because I have this amazing life already and this amazing support system, so I don't need support in that way, but also I have amazing people in my life that I bring with me when I'm with someone. If you're with me, I'm bringing a whole world to you. So you start to show the life that you're bringing. Now, We have to remember, by the way, that what is valuable about us will not be valued by everybody. We may stand for things that other people don't value, and that's okay. We're not supposed to attract everybody. And by the way, for anyone who's struggling to get through a breakup, let me tell you something. That person most likely did not value what is valuable about you.

You.

Don't make that about your fundamental worth. If someone left you, there's a high chance it was because there was something about you that was Ultra valuable, but they didn't value it. That doesn't make you unworthy. That makes them wrong for you. Because the person who's right for you is the person who values what's valuable about you. Okay, so pop quiz when I said, One of these becomes a real problem. Which one is it? Which one is it? Let's pull up the comments real quick. Which one is the one that trips people up the most? Is it showing value in who we are, showing value in the life we bring, or showing value by doing things for people? How many people know which one it is? Okay, some of most of you are right. A few of you have not got it. We make the mistake of thinking that our value is what we do for someone. I know the people pleasers are the ones who might be getting it wrong right now.

Right?

Because what we do is we say, I'm gonna do so much for someone, I'm gonna make myself irreplaceable in their life. They're not gonna be able to live without me. They're gonna see how much I can do for them. They're gonna see how generous I am. They're gonna see how much I go out of my way for them. This is where where the problems start. Because here's the great paradox. This is a tremendous way to show value in doses early in dating, but in massive amounts in a relationship. But what we do is we so badly want a relationship that we bring too much of this into the dating process, trying to communicate our value by what we do. How many people are guilty of that? Put your hand up. Now, if we try to raise our value by doing too much of this too soon, we will actually plummet our value because there is a fourth part to this formula. The fourth part to this formula is perceived challenge. Perceived challenge. And perceived challenge is us recognizing that the value that we have is something that has to be earned by somebody else. We can't just invest based on how much we admire someone and how we feel about them. That leads to them questioning our value because they realize they don't have to do anything to earn our attention. Write this down. People respect what they earn, and respect is key to attraction. So how do we start to create perceived challenge? We have to stop ourselves from investing too quickly. We have to stop ourselves from investing too quickly. How do we do that? I'm going to race through these. I want you to write them down. First, we have to adopt a will see mindset. Instead of rushing to label someone as special or imagining a future together, remind yourself that you are still in the discovery phase. Tell yourself, I'm enjoying getting to know this person, but we'll see. Don't project all of your hopes and dreams onto that person. Remember, the top job in your life, the role of the partner that you spend your life with, has to be earned. Second, go slow to go fast. Go slow to go fast. So, adopt a will see mindset. They're amazing. Yeah, they're amazing. Oh my God, you two are so perfect together. We'll see. We'll see. Slow your friends down. Go slow to go fast. Go slow to go fast. Show that you are taking the time to assess who they really are, not being dazzled by their shiny parts. You're better than that. Take that power away from someone. Oh, you thought that because you were good looking or because you had a great life or because there was something about you that was very flashy, you thought that I would just be bowled over. No, it's nice, but we go slow to go fast. We realize that if I go slow, I create a stronger connection. I'm not mistaking sex for connection. I allow myself to ensure that both parties are equally invested. because do you know what some of you are going, yeah, but I don't have time to go slow. I'm in a rush. I want to have kids. I want to have a family. I want to get married. You know what's slower? Spending months or years of your life with the wrong person. Choosing wrong is slower than going slow. Write that down. Choosing wrong is slower than going slow. Okay, so we say we'll see. We go slow to go fast. And lastly, we invest then test. Now, I don't have time to go into all the techniques for this today, but invest then test means you give a little, you see what you get back. And if you get something back, you go, okay, great. I'll give a little more. If you don't get something back, you go, I'll give a little less. Not from a manipulative way, but this isn't working for me. You invest, then test. What you don't do is what most people do, which is I decide I like you. Okay. Invest, invest, invest, invest, invest, invest, invest, invest, invest, invest, invest. Invest, invest, invest, invest, invest. Oh, I'm heartbroken. That's what most people do. We don't do that because we are expert communicators. We invest, then test. Okay? Now, standards are what these are all examples of. Every single one of these is an example of having a standard. And standards are the ultimate way to create perceived challenge. I have a standard of not investing too quickly. I have a standard of saying, We'll see. I have a standard of going slow to go fast. I have a standard of investing and then testing. The greatest way to be a challenge is to have standards. And a standard says, if I don't know where I stand with someone, I'm going to find out. so someone says, oh, you know, let's say you've been dating someone for two months and there's been no discussion of where it's going, you say to that person, hey, I just realized I'm not really clear on what this is. And right now, when people ask me out, I don't know what to tell them. When you say that, you're communicating a standard. By the way, you're also communicating massive perceived value, aren't you? Because you're saying, people ask me out. You're not the only one in town who thinks I'm great. People are looking for cues to know whether or not you are valuable. They take their cues from us and standards make us look more valuable because they say, I like you, but not so much that I'll bend for you in ways that I don't want to bend. We have to maintain the ability to pivot at any time. If someone says, I really like you, but I'm just not in that place right now, you say, well, lots of people like me. so, you know, that's not. If I just wanted to hang out with someone who really liked me, I could do that with anyone. My time and energy is valuable. So I'm not interested in continuing to give energy to someone who's not in the same place as me. You say it with kindness, you say it with a wink, you say it with a smile. But the ultimate boundary is what gives you your value. It's about showing someone your culture. Mitch Albom said, if you don't like the culture, don't buy it. Create your so, oh, your culture is hookups and just seeing where things go. Let me share my culture with you. But do you want to know something really Advanced? Because everyone came here today not to be average. You came here to be an advanced Communicator. That's why you're here, having boundaries and standard. A standard, by the way, is your internal standard. A boundary is what you put in place to uphold your standard. That's the difference. Having boundaries and standards is one way to create perceived challenge, but that's just level one survival. There is another level for really advanced communicators, which is what we are. Okay? You're not here to get generic advice that you could get on Instagram. You're here to become an advanced persuader. So here's the real secret. Saying no is one thing. Saying no, I won't tolerate that. No, I don't want that. That's one thing. getting someone else to say yes is another. Your legacy isn't to simply say no for the rest of your life. It's to live. And to live, you have to do more than say no. You have to become a persuader. You have to know how to get people to say yes. That's going to come up in secret number four. Okay? This is a very, very powerful, I'm going to give you a very powerful, very practical example of how to bridge the investment gap not just by protecting yourself and saying no, but how to get someone to say yes and invest more in you. That's gonna be where we're gonna finish today. All right, let's keep moving. So that was secret number one. We have three more to go. Isn't it amazing? Who's glad they came today? All right, let's move on to secret number two. I'm gonna move fast here, so get ready. Secret number two. We have to recognize that it doesn't matter how well we do the attraction formula if we're not meeting anyone in the first place. So we have to learn how to meet more high quality people. We do this through what I call the flame method. The flame method. See, there's a difference in dating between being the moth and the flame. The moth just goes out there bumping into things hoping it's going to meet someone. the flame draws people to it. Okay? And what I'm about in our dating lives again, if we're going to keep things simple, okay? I need the attraction formula so I can get to minute 21. But the attraction formula doesn't matter if, unless I'm meeting people. But I need to meet people in a way that's sustainable. Because if I burn out and I have no energy, then I'm just going to give up a month from now. So this isn't about doing more. It's about doing the right things. We don't want to exhaust our ourselves becoming this full-time data. We want to use what I call the flame method so that you can naturally create real high return chances with people. And the flame method says this. So write that down. The flame method, we're not going to be the moth, we're going to be the flame. And there are a couple of ways of doing this. Some of them are direct, because sometimes you do have to be direct about meeting people. but some of them are indirect. And what people miss all the time is the indirect ways that they can meet people. There was an author, John K., who wrote a book called Obliquity. And the idea of this book was we achieve our goals more often than not through oblique means. In other words, if you wanted to make money, focus on creating something that people really want. Don't focus on making money. If you want to find love, focus on the oblique, indirect ways that bring quality people into your life. And I'm hoping that I get to spend more time with you this year. What I want to show you is the oblique ways that we can start to create far more options in our love lives. And by the way, for all of my Love Life members, I'm holding a special masterclass on this in the next few weeks where we're going to be literally mapping out our year in a sustainable way. that helps us meet more people. So I want to give you an example of this and you'll get more details of that everyone inside the Love Life app. One of the ways we do this is we need to get ourselves into new pools of people. Too many of us are meeting the same people all the time. We meet the same people at our work, we meet the same people in the gym we go to, in our friendship groups, in our family and their friends, we're meeting the same people all the time. The key to massively expanding the number of options you have is to meet or to integrate into new pools of people. Now, how do you do that? One of the ways you do it is through new friendships. New friendships. And as we get to be adults, we get worse at making new friends. But new friendships are one of the greatest ways to get into new pools of people because when you make a new friend, chances are they don't know any of the people you know and vice versa. So when that friend says, Hey, I'm doing something this weekend. Do you want to come? When you say yes to that, you meet a pool of people you didn't know before. And that's like being 15 years old and joining a new school and all of a sudden, you have all of these new people where you're making a brand new impression, no one knows you, and you have all of these options. The second way we do it is we do the more sociable version of the thing we already do. So for example, if right now you like running outside with your headphones in, join a running club. It doesn't take any more time than going for your run does, but what it does is it massively increases the chances of meeting new people. By the way, what you don't do is go to that running club hoping that you're going to meet the love of your life there. You go to that running club knowing it's going to expand the number of people you know. And it fits really well with this idea, because if you go there and you meet a new person, and then that new person two months later that invites you somewhere, all of a sudden, you're into a new pool. Okay? So this is what obliquity is. It's not going, Matt, go to a running club. There's no one there. No one's my age. It's not about that. It's about realizing that these things offer opportunities to engineer new pools of people. And most of us didn't, after we left school or university or our first job, there were very few opportunities to be in new pools of people in our life. This gives us that opportunity. Okay? Now, these are just a couple of examples of the flame method. Like I said, the flame method is essential because if you are just using the attraction formula, it's not going to work sitting at home. It's only going to work if you're actually creating a life, designing a life around the flame method that actually means you're getting a steady stream of new quality people into your life, not just next week, but three months from now, six months from now. And it needs to be sustainable because the truth is, if you start getting proactive today, and how many of you realize you need to be proactive on a different level in your love life? How many of you are already realizing, oh my God, I've been sleeping on the job. I want to find love. I'm not being proactive enough. Or, I'm not being proactive enough in the right ways. How many people are realizing that? But what we have to do if we're going to start being more proactive today, be proactive in a way that's sustainable. Because I can't guarantee whether doing this is going to mean you're going to meet your person next week, three weeks from now, or three months from now. So if you burn out in a month, you missed the opportunity that was coming for you three months down the line if you could just stay in the game. There are lots of other ways to execute the flame method, from how we structure our dates in terms of length and time of day, how we manage our time along with all of the other things that we need to do. how we approach people in real life settings and learn how to create low risk follow-ups and second encounters, which I know a lot of you struggle with, is how do I know someone I like in my gym? How do I actually get them to the point of something happening after that? And lastly, what I call two hit theory, which is a great way to meet a lot of people in a new environment when you go there and to do it quickly, even if you're an introvert. So again, Love Life members, we are doing an entire masterclass on this in the coming weeks. We're going to map out your 2025. I've got lots of missions for you that we're going to be completing together. But for everyone else, no matter what you do, whether you do it with me or not, there has to be a different level of proactivity and it has to be the right kind of proactivity. Okay, so we've said as you start employing the flame method, you're going to meet a lot more people. And in turn, These meetings are going to turn into more if you master the attraction formula. But the elephant in the room is that without secret number three, you're going to meet high quality people who could be the love of your life. You'll know how to get to minute 21 using the attraction formula, but then you'll still sabotage the whole thing. So secret number three, I want you to write this down. This is a big one, guys. Secret number three. I want you to write down the phrase, own yourself. Own yourself. We have to stop our patterns from sabotaging our love life. And now patterns are the most powerful thing that is controlling us. None of this works without owning yourself. You see, we have to be, I've already said this, a powerful persuader of our value. It's not what our value is that matters, it's how we communicate it. People are looking for cues on whether you are valuable and they take those cues from you. Because here's the truth, people don't know what they want. People don't know. When I go into a clothing store, Half the time, I don't know what I want. I'm waiting for someone to tell me that looks great on you. And by the way, it's almost sold out, so you should grab it now. I go, okay, I'm gonna grab that one. Maybe I wasn't thinking about buying a jacket today, but someone came in as a persuasive force and made me realize that's the jacket I want. Right? That's how love is, too. But we can't persuade people if we don't believe it. And too often we don't believe it because of a narrative that we have created for ourselves. a narrative that we have created around our experience. You know, I'm too old, I'm too inexperienced, I'm behind, it's too late for me, I'm not attractive. And all of these narratives, when we wear them in dating, which we do without realizing it, they control our value. When we don't believe in our value, instead of showing up in a present way, applying the attraction Formula, we become reactive and our nervous system hijacks us. And what does our nervous system do? It puts us into fight or flight or freeze or fawn. For those of you that don't know, fawn is the technical term for people pleasing. Now, this is a much bigger area, but make no mistake, the surest way for your stock to fall is to let your stuff win. Owning yourself through confidence and being grounded is a superpower. And if you combine owning yourself with secrets one and two, what is possible for you will astound you. You will get to minute 21 and beyond while other people are still stuck in that whirlpool of dating, drowning in the investment gap between minute zero and 20. And that's why I want you to commit to these things right now. Because you are here, you're alive, and it's all still to play for. Think about it for a second. You're not behind. I don't believe in behind. You're where you're meant to be. This is your life. You can't do it wrong. It's your life. It's no one else's. You're where you're meant to be right now. And what is ahead anyway? Look, there are people right now, people you know who think they're in a great relationship and won't be in that relationship next year. Or they'll meet the love of their life tomorrow and think, I did it and then that person will get sick and they'll lose them. We have no idea what is going to happen in life. But what I know to be true is that you are alive now and there is so much more available to you than you may be experiencing right now. right now. Honoring the fact that you're alive means embracing the opportunities and making the most of it instead of looking at some story of where I was supposed to be by now or what was supposed to happen or who I was supposed to be with or any of that nonsense. I get it. You've taken knocks. Who hasn't? It may be hard to believe that better is out there based on what you've had so far, but we are terrible predictors of what is possible for us because we have an extremely limited vantage point from where we're standing today. But my vantage point as a coach, as someone who's done this for nearly 20 years, is not limited. I have walked thousands of people down this path and I have been shocked by the results that people get. Oh, I haven't been shocked. I've had people be shocked by the results that we get for people over and over again. I was shocked by the results I got first in my life when I started applying this stuff. But this has become our bread and butter. And I'm not talking about YouTube. I'm talking about the way I actually coach people, giving people a roadmap. And by the way, we're gonna get on to secret number four in just a moment. But I want to say this to you. If you are enjoying being here, that's great. And if that's all you want from me, awesome. But I know that most of you didn't come here for a casual watch. You came here because you want to actually be on a path to get results. And my fundamental belief for myself is if I find something that works for me in the form of training, a mentor, someone whose voice and reason is clicking with me, I lean into that. And I've always done that my whole life. I've surrounded myself with people I consider to be the best of the best, best. If you are finding that this is working for you right now, lean in. And that starts with some fundamental decisions. A decision about whether the past in your life is worth my time in this area moving forward. And who will be worth my time. A decision about what level of urgency I am going to attach to this area of my life. And by the way, urgency is not panic. Panic is what makes us date the wrong person. Urgency is what creates discernment. Urgency says, I'm not going to give this person any of my time. They're not right for me or they don't deserve it or they're not actually committing to me. And the last decision we have to make is how proactive am I going to be? Because what would it feel like if based on a completely different level of urgency and proactivity in your love life today and who to give your time to, what would it feel like if you were in a completely different place in your love life six months from now or a year from now? What would it take for you, you specifically, to be able to find the right love and keep it? what would need to happen for that to be the case? You might say, well, I'd need to build real rapport with people on a date, and I'd need to learn how to do that. Or I'd need to learn how to meet better quality people because I'm not meeting great people right now. Or I'd learn how to create more attraction so that people would actually want to see me again. I wouldn't just have a. An okay date that then fizzled. Or I'd learn. I'd need to learn how to be so confident that I'd make people realize that they want a relationship with me because of the the way I communicate my value, or if I could just stop sabotaging every situation with jealousy or the need for assurance or insecure ways that I've been showing up. Look, my life has been dedicated to teaching people these things. It has literally been my life's work. And it's why I feel really fortunate right now to be considered the best of the best in my field. This is what I do. My question to you is this: what if you didn't have to do this on your own? What if you could have me by your side for the next year walking you through it personally and putting you on a path to finding and keeping the person who is right for you? What would that be worth to you? I want to get to secret number four, but before I do, I want to extend you an invitation for something that I have put together specifically for this group, if that's okay. I've worked very hard on this. I've worked very hard on today. I've worked very hard on the invitation that I'm about to give you. So with your permission, leave me a comment. Let me know if that's okay with you. I would love to share with you, or at least for those of you who are really serious about getting results, something that is going to make you so happy that you decided to show up today. I tried to tell everyone to come today because I knew that this was going to be a big deal. But I know that there are a lot of people who are going to miss what I'm about to say. First, let me explain. The place where I help people is my Love Life Coaching program. Many of you know about it already. That is where I really help people find love. I walk people through a year of helping them in every way that I'm talking about to find the love they're looking for.

For.

And we have over 7,000 members right now who are doing this with me. And it's something where we have all sorts of courses for people who are coming out of breakups and want to go on a journey to heal from breakup. Other people are over 50 and we have specific courses inside the Love Life Coaching Program that help people on that journey of dating after 50. We have courses on attraction. We have courses on overcoming narcissistic abuse. We have all sorts of journeys in there.

There.

But every once in a while, this group of people that I work with over the whole year and coach myself, I create a specific journey for them that only happens once in a while. And the journey that I have decided to create this year that starts this week is a moment in time event. This is not happening again. I realized the reason I called everyone together today is because I'm like, something needs to happen in dating now. There needs to be an intervention because so many people are going to stay in this constant whirlpool, never getting to minute 21 with anyone. And they're either going to give up on dating altogether or they're going to be unhappy in situationships for the rest of their life. What I wanted to do was inside the Love Life Coaching Program, which is where all my journeys take place, I wanted we're going to create a specific one this year that played out live in real time, where people from all different walks of life, all different ages, all different stages could come together with one central goal.