Invisible Flirting Techniques That Create INSTANT Attraction

Do that then. I. I don't know. I wouldn't want to be stuck on an island with someone.

Yeah.

Like that free community that we have inside the Love Life app, where we have a special space that is specifically designed for everyone going through the challenge. That means that you're not too late. You can still go with us on this 30 day journey. You haven't missed it. You're like Scrooge on Christmas morning. Christmas came. It's here. You didn't miss it. Go and watch the live session@mhreplay.com and by registering, you'll also get access to the community. David, did you know that Steven and I came into work in the exact same outfit?

I can see that.

Have you seen that? It's not just a blue T shirt. Look at the trout. Lift up your legs, Stephen. Look at the trousers.

Yeah.

I don't know how it happened, but we're both wearing gray sweatpants and a navy blue T shirt.

We are.

It's embarrassing to say the least.

Little faux PA who's going to change.

Who's it embarrassing for, Audrey?

No, I quite. I. I am enjoying it, actually.

Thanks.

It's like we're real, bro. We're like Mario and Luigi, except they had the good sense to wear different colored overalls.

Right. I don't like thinking of these as my overalls.

Well, we're really, really excited about this episode today, guys.

Why?

The way he looks at me when he.

No, I just want to know why?

Because it's all about flirting and people really enjoy content about flirting.

Oh, that's why.

And we have some really, really interesting and sometimes controversial things to talk about on this today's episode, so.

And it's about flirting in tricky situations as well.

Well, we had a question in the. Audrey flat out refused to answer. That's coming up. As soon as she said that, I went. That's definitely staying. But yeah, we had a. We had an answer from a listener, a question from a listener that Audrey said, I'm not touching that.

No, not touching it.

Sacrificing us instead.

Yeah. So me and Stephen Will weighed in on that, on that grenade. But we are talking about flirting today. We've got a poll, haven't we, Steven?

We do.

That's coming up.

And by the way, we're not just talking about flirting today, we're talking about flirting specifically with people that are already in your lives. So.

Yes.

People who you're friends with, people who you know. Maybe someone you work with. Someone that you, you know. He's already in Your life, someone you see at the gym, maybe that's very common. And how to actually flirt with those people, which I think is a very different game to flirting with a stranger in a coffee shop or in a bar.

Well, the comments around this that came in when we put up a poll were very interesting. There's a lot to say. The David and Stephen put a piece of Pew Research center research on my desk.

Research center research. Research center research.

That is what I put it on his desk.

That's literally what David wrote.

So that's actually my bad. But thanks, Audrey.

Yeah, thanks, David. So apparently, aside from in person flirting, social media is the most common way teens express interest in someone they have a crush on.

That's gotta be right? I mean, I mean, they. They talk about how many teens don't do much these days.

So, I mean, I would say it can't. It can't. In person flirting doesn't even feel like a common. It should be a common way anymore. No, like, social media is the common way.

But what's the third way? Let's take in person social media. What's the third way in the cloud.

Manifestation Flirting with an AI, I guess.

Yeah. What phones texting. Are they saying texting is a whole third way?

Maybe.

It goes on to say, although most teen romantic relationships do not start online, even that, I reckon is, like, questionable these days. This is, by the way, this is the thing that gave away that this study must be a couple of years old because it said or written by.

A couple of boomers.

It says digital platforms serve as an important tool for flirting and showing romantic interest. Half of teens say they have friended someone on Facebook. That is immediately where I went. Something's wrong with this because there's no way 50% of teens are on Facebook. So immediately there are no teens on Facebook. But.

But it says Facebook or another social media site.

So immediately there are no teens on Facebook.

But it says Facebook or another social media site.

Yeah, but why did it lead with Facebook? Who was this written by?

I think it was written by boomers, by people of the generation who use Facebook.

Boomer research.

Yeah, they went. They just went with the one platform they knew the name of.

Right.

Half of teens say they friended someone on Facebook or another social media site as a way to show romantic interest, while 47% have expressed attraction by liking, commenting on or interacting with that person on social media. That's got to be higher than that today.

I also think that's not just teenagers, surely that's just everybody, like flirting Especially when it comes to people that you already know. Flirting on social media is kind of the perfect crime. Not crime, the perfect.

What are you doing on social media?

Yeah, it is.

It's the most low key way. But it also does leave a trail if you embarrass yourself.

Does. Do you think liking someone's post sort of. I mean, it definitely can be a reason that people have arguments when they're in relationships, when someone keeps liking hot people's posts. But outside of the context of a relationship, there's to me, something sort of that can end up being so futile about the idea that I'm somehow flirting with someone by liking their post along with a hundred other people.

I always, I always used to see it as like men putting out feelers. Almost like, I'm just gonna sprinkle some likes all over all these different people and see if I can catch a bait. You must never respond to a. Like, a like is not enough energy.

You mean respond what, with a DM?

Yeah. Or like, if someone slides into your DMs and sends fire emoji. Now I'm showing that I'm a millennial because that's, that's definitely something that people used to do a lot.

Throwing around fire emojis.

Yeah, but you can't be responding to fire emojis or Likes. They're not enough. Not enough activation energy is required.

It's got to at least be a relevant DM to the story you posted.

Yeah, it's got to be like a conversation starter. A bit of, bit of skin has to be in the game. Not just, not just a like or an emoji.

I don't think, to me that's always the thing with flirting is you can't keep calling something flirting if you never graduate. It's. If you never send like, you know, if you keep sending little quick messages to their stories and then they keep sending quick little messages to your stories and six months later you're in the same place. I'm like it, that flirting has lost its. It's like a piece of, you know, gum that's lost its taste.

Yeah.

It's flavorless. I mean, nothing.

We often get messages from people who say, like, why, why have I been in this situation for three months and nothing? It's like, why are you not upgrading?

Yeah, why?

The point of any stage is you don't just sit in it. Like, that's like saying, I've been on like 10 first dates with this person and we've like never moved forward from there.

I'LL tell you why people don't upgrade. We did a poll and it said we asked people have you ever struggled to show romantic interest to somebody that you know in your everyday life? So you know, that's why people aren't greater rapes because they are struggling to show interest because they're afraid of something. And we, we gave them the options of if yes, what are your reasons? What areas do you struggle with? One option was I don't know what to say. Another option was I'm scared of judgment. A third option was I'm scared of rejection. And the fourth option was I want them to make the first move. Which one do you think got the most votes?

I'm going to go with I'm scared of rejection.

What do you think Stephen?

I think it's either.

Yeah.

Okay. Scared of rejection.

You are both correct.

Was the next was the second biggest one. I want them to make the first move.

Yeah, scared of rejection. Got 46 on Instagram and, and I want them to make the first move. Got 30. We also asked the same question on YouTube and it was actually more of a tie with 37 of I'm scared of rejection. And 35. I want them to make the first move.

Well, those two just go hand in hand because the, the idea of someone making the first move means you don't have to worry about getting rejected.

That's true.

You've someone has assured you that they like you. Audrey, do you know why my sleep score has improved?

Why?

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I do think these should just be our birthday present for all our family over summer. Just cover every birthday, put them all.

Over the house, drape them over every.

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So how do you put feelers out? If you're in a situation where you're afraid of being rejected or you're afraid of, you know, you. Maybe you want someone to make the first move. Maybe you want to be kind of the more passive one and you want to kind of feel a bit safer in a situation. But, you know, everybody needs a kind of green flag that it's okay to approach you. How do you start that flirting process? Do you guys have any thoughts?

I think sometimes we think of flirting too literally. It's. Flirting is all just a spectrum of inviting behavior, right? And some of it is teasing energy that you have to be careful with that one because that can be got wrong. Some of it is just warm energy. Some of it is to do with touch. Some of it can literally be just being, you know, someone who's positively emotive, smiles and, you know, has a nice way about them, but invites conversation or invites someone to be closer to them. All of these things can be a version of flirting. So if you just have someone who, for example, like, touch is a really interesting one. There's. Touching is a great way to flirt. And a lot of people, when they're. When they like someone, the irony is they don't touch that person because it feels too scary. So now what happens is they look like they lack warmth. They actually end up looking colder with the person that they like and want something to happen with the most. But even touch can be broken down in lots of different ways. So someone can. You can be making a point to someone, and as you're making a point to someone, you know, reach over and. And touch them as you're making a point. And that little touch there is like, it can be a Little moment of flirting. But what's interesting is sometimes you don't even need to touch someone for someone almost to register a touch.

Yeah.

Like if. If I was making a point to you and we were here and I just did this, I didn't even touch you. I just, like, got closer.

For our audio listeners. What are you doing? Describe.

Yeah, that's a good point.

Describe.

I keep thinking we're just on YouTube, but we're not. People are listening to this on the podcast. But if I. If I touch your arm, you reach.

Over and you almost touch. Touch as if you're hovering over my arm as if you're about to touch about.

Well, no, in the first instance, I actually touched you. Like, okay, in the first instance, I was saying something to you and I reached over and I touched your arm as if to say, like, oh, you need to hear this. You know, that can be a moment of flirting. Another moment of flirting is just if, as I'm saying something, I gesture over towards you as if I'm going to touch you, but I don't quite touch you, but you feel me almost, like, getting closer. And there's almost that feeling of like, yeah, but not in a creepy way. Just in a. Like, oh, they just got closer to me. Yeah, that can be a version of flirting. It's very subtle. But that alone can be flirting.

You know, just so, like, if you was just standing with them looking at something, and you. You were just next to them so that you just, you know, your shoulders are just touched. If you're both looking at something, looking out at a view or screen or whatever, even just registering there, they're right next to you.

We have a program that we run called Club320 for, like, 50 people year round. And a couple of weekends ago, we were a getaway with these people in Cape Cod, and one of our Club 320 members came over to me and she was like, I took a piece of your advice about touch. Like, you told me that if I want to upgrade something from a platonic relationship to something more, I need to introduce the kind of touch that I wouldn't normally do with this person. And so she said, I. We were sat next to each other and I, like, just rested my head on his shoulder for a moment. Like, almost like a tired gesture. Like, I'm tired. And then just, like, put her head on his shoulder. And she said there was an instant shift in the energy. Like, he put his arm around her. Like, it was like a green light to him.

Yeah.

And he put his Arm around her. And then, like, I don't know if it was hours later or later on in the day or whatever she. He said to her, like, I was a bit surprised. Like, I didn't know that you, you know, you had those kinds of feelings. And she was like, well, you know, like, she. She just acted a bit kind of coy and cheeky. They're now together and this is someone that literally, she was like, I just. I always wanted more and I just played the friend the whole time. So she just upgraded the interaction through touch in that way. And that was a form of flirting. It wasn't like this big overt. Like, I think people often think of flirting as these, like, I'm now gonna talk sexy and have this fun, like, flirtatious language with you and whatever. And it all feels a bit like theatric.

Sex in the City.

Yes, exactly. But this isn't who.

You have got Sex and City all wrong by that comment.

Which one would it be that Stephen's talking about? Would it be Samantha?

No, she's saying I'm wrong about the show.

The show, yeah. It's not like. It's not. No, it's not Sex in the City at all. And everyone who loves Sex and City agrees with me.

Yeah, but everyone's, like, quite witty in that. And, like, it was all very, like, bing, bang, bang, like, I'm flirting. No, that's a Sopranos.

Yeah, well, both New York.

Yeah.

Well, there's also the flirting that can happen if, like, let's say you are flirting with someone on social media, as all the. As 50% of the teens are on Facebook these days. If you are flirting on social media, someone could post, like, a story of them doing something. And let's say you've already had a bit of, like, banter or whatever, but you're. You've already been in the DMs having a bit of banter, but you're not like, entirely sure that the banter you've had with this person is truly flirtatious. Or if this person just sees you as a friend or thinks you see them as a friend, you. They could post a story and you could literally just send them a DM or reply to the story that says your arms in this pic.

Ooh, that's quite bold, though, for all of the. What was it like, 37% of people who said that they were afraid of rejection. That's quite scary. And I think it's super hard, especially for women, because I think that women are expected to be courted and to hang back and to let kind of men make the first move. So I don't disagree with you, but I'm saying, how do you overcome, like, the fact that as soon as you send that, you're going to want to throw your phone out the window and move cities?

Well, let's come back to that, because there were some comments in response to this poll from people to that effect, and I do want to talk about that. Let's keep going with a couple of techniques. I want to circle back because that's a very important point.

I think on that DM example, you gave one thing you can also do that gives you, like, plausible deniability. If you, like, is throw in, like, something you could do together. Like, like someone pop, say they put up a story going, I got a new Nintendo Switch and I'm playing Mario Kart. You could, like, respond being like, oh, I've played this game so many times. Like, we should have a challenge sometime. Like, even just like, I'd love to challenge you sometime to a race. Like, you can just do something that it's not even you're asking. You're almost like throwing the pebble out and they can pick it up and run with it, or they cannot. But you can do things like that. Even at party and conversation, if someone mentioned something interesting, you can be like, oh, we should go to that sometime. Or like, oh, man, if you go to that, let me know because I want to check that out. Like, you can throw. Even just throwing in ideas of a future thing you can do, that can be a way of just putting in someone's head, like, oh, I can ask. Like, because they said it, you can even. And, and I think we made this point earlier. Like, if you're talking to someone at a party or an event, you can show them attention and interest. Let's say you. You could either compliment something they say that they're into, that you really connect with, even throwing out a physical compliment. But then if you then just go off, like, you don't even pursue at that moment, but then you go off, show yourself having a good time, having fun, being with other people. You can then kind of gravitate back and it's like your connection feels stronger then. And it says something like, oh, they came back to talk to me again. Then that person registers that as like, oh, let's connect again. I want to get more of this person.

Yeah. The way I think about that is closing down space and then recreating it. It's like a very important concept in Attraction in general.

Yeah.

Is that ability to close down space when you want to connect with someone, but then demonstrate an ability to leave. And a lot of people don't do that. They don't. They. When they get talking to someone, then they just like. It's almost like it can even be an anxiety thing of now. I don't know what to do. I'm just going to keep talking to them forever. And, you know, that person now feels kind of burdened with us and can't any longer just take us in. And as an attractive person, they're sort of saddled with the pressure of continuing a conversation. Whereas if we can have an interaction with someone that's enjoyable and then demonstrate an ability to walk away, leave them wanting more. Yeah. Go dance with your friends. If you're somewhere where, you know, that would be normal and appropriate, or, you know, just leave and talk to someone else at a gathering, whatever, then what happens when you can circle back to that person is they've had a chance to sort of miss the interaction. If they like you, they've had a chance to feel your absence. You've demonstrated an ability to operate as this independent person in the room, which is attractive. You've given them a chance to observe you, which is nice, letting someone observe you from afar.

Because sometimes one of the key things to attraction is actually letting somebody observe you. And as a. Like. Like not even. No eye contact. Almost as if you don't know that they're observing you.

Yeah. Yeah. It's a. A nice one. You can even do this very quickly. Like, I'm talking about a scenario where you were talking to someone for five minutes and then you broke away and then you came back again. But you can even do this on a micro level if you're just standing next to someone. Like, if I was having a conversation with you, Steven, and then I. Audrey was off to my left. And I turned to Audrey and I said something. You know, she was holding a plate of food, and I was like, oh, my God, that looks so good.

Yeah.

Where did you get that? Okay, I'm going there later. Thanks for the tip. And then I just kept talking to Steven. Like, I've put me on your radar. Like, had a quick moment with you. But then, whereas you might have been thinking this was like a big excuse to just talk to you, I now continue to just engage with Stephen. So it's like a nice way of just tapping someone on the shoulder without actually having to engage in that moment. I don't think people do that enough.

I Love all of these. I have another one as well, because all of these are really good in the context of, like, a party and somewhere that has a lot of kind of social hustle and bustle. I think, you know, I think of a scenario like a gym, which is where a lot of people, you know, get crushes and find people they're attracted to. Something that I think can also be a way into flirting, is creating shared jokes and, like, a shared world on something. So you can do this at a party, but you can do this in the gym. If you kind of almost find something in the very beginning to joke about and to find funny together, and then you go off and do your own thing, and then you come back together and make the joke about the same thing again. Like the callback on that same joke. So if you're at a party, you might, like, joke about something on the buffet and be like, oh, I can't believe they haven't got any soft crab. What kind of party are we at today? You know, like, as a joke, and then it kind of like creates this funny thing. And then later on you can have another joke about soft crab.

I like. You can tell that Audrey doesn't eat crab because she's not calling it soft shell crab.

I don't eat crabs. That just seems very barbaric to me.

I can't believe there's no soft crab at this place. What kind of kind of buffet is this?

Nor any hard shrimp.

Jeez.

But you know what I mean?

I like the idea of you using a crab example when you just don't. You have no interest in crab whatsoever.

I'm trying to think of an obscure.

Food, but you are right. Yeah, you are right. You can come back and you can play on that more.

But also, when you think about it, I think it's genius, because then also it gives the other person the opportunity to message you on Facebook or other social media platforms after that event, after the party, after the gym, and be like, I found this great restaurant that do the best soft crab.

Yes.

If you want to go sometime, you're actually opening the door for that to be like a kind of thing between you two. You know what I mean?

Like, and they could just send you a Google link saying, apparently the best soft crab.

Exactly.

Exactly.

And now a word from our sponsors, Audrey. Soft crab coming this November.

Another one I think is really crucial here. And this is for people who, like, get stuck. Like, they're flirting with a friend or they like to flirt with a friend. Someone in our love life. Coaching program said, I don't know that I know how to flirt in the traditional sense. It doesn't feel authentic to me. I've noticed that. I'll low key bully someone instead. Lol. No insults or anything cruel. Just being a smart arse and screwing with them a little. I like to test their wittiness, I guess. And this is something I think comes up on dating apps. It comes up with people who do often get in that, like, why doesn't that person, why after the date weren't they into me? And I think some people's default is to go to this like, sarcastic, witty, that kind of banter. I think that doesn't work unless you have to playfully challenge someone in a way that feels easy. Like if you, if someone said like, oh, you're a big reader. And they were like, yeah. And you said, I noticed you're reading Dostoevsky. And they were like, yeah. And you said, well, I think Tolstoy is much better. Personally, I find Dostoevsky, blah, blah, that's not like challenging, that's just shitting on someone's life.

Yeah, you should just go nerd.

Yeah.

No, but you could be like, yeah, you could be like, oh my. Wow. See what Audrey thinks of readers.

No, I was just, I was waiting for Matt to, to give me exactly the look he gave me. Stingy.

And you can, you can challenge in a much more fun and open and cute way with that in more being like, you know, oh, my favorite Russian is Tolstoy, but I haven't read enough story or like, you know, you can play with that. Like, I guess we're both like, you know, I guess we're both like naturally moody people because we both like Russian writers or whatever. Like, you can have way more fun with that than being like, I'm going to now turn this into a sarcastic and I want you to come back at me and I'm going to come back at you. That doesn't. It often just doesn't read as well as you think it would. You have to throw compliment pebbles in or playful challenges that people feel like, oh, they're with me in it, not they're attacking me.

Yeah.

Can. Can I. Your humble producer. Just because you, you said it earlier about the post about the arms. I think this like, and Audrey had a qualm with it where you were like, oh, that might be a little too forward to say, oh, your arms in that picture. That does kind of what Stephen's saying. It's kind of just been on my mind to just post and say, this post only proves that I could beat you in an arm wrestle. And the reason why I like that is that it shows that you notice their arms, but then it dulls that noticing of their arms by deprecating it by saying, I could beat you in an arm wrestle. But then it dulls the meanness of, I could beat you in an arm wrestle with, I'm included in this and I'm putting my own stakes on it. And it allows them to have, like, a chance to, like, kind of fire back.

And does it run the risk of making someone feel scrawny?

I think I can maybe. I might be able to evolve that a little bit to. They post a picture that's clearly, like, them looking good and physically strong, and you say, I still think I could beat you in an arm wrestle. Yeah, like, I think that. Then it's like, the still is what makes it a compliment to their arms.

And you need the smirk face and a little smack face, a little smack emoji face.

But I think it's good because it gives. And especially I think for me, like, if I were to get something like that, it would be like, it would trigger some kind of, like, wait, like, I fall for that trap so easily.

Easily.

Yeah, I fall for it so easily. And it would be a fun way. It would be a fun way to call back too, as well. It's like, all right, well, I'm gonna get in a situation where I can, you know, prove myself.

Yeah, there.

So I, I, yeah, I, I think it kind of does a couple of the things you guys talked about.

It does this playful, like, it has this very playful school playground effect that does, that just does work on adults. Like, I think we sometimes think of adults too literally. And part of our inability to flirt is a, is a reflection of how we take ourselves too seriously, because then we think everyone else is that serious too. And. Well, I wouldn't say that because that's childish. And I'm not like this. I promise you. There are people listening to this who are going, oh, this is flirting for young people. Because they have decided that whatever age group they're in, it doesn't apply to them. And that would be to fundamentally misread the people you're trying to attract.

Yes.

Because flirting has its own energy. It doesn't live in the hyper rational, hyperlogical world of everything else. Like, yes, when you're talking logistics or what you enjoy in life or what your life looks like with someone who's 67 and you're 65, you going to have a different conversation than two 25 year olds would have with each other. But when you're flirting, not so much like when you're flirting, you're still just both stepping into a playful energy. And sometimes it's silly and sometimes it is childish. That's like, you know, the, the sometimes.

It'S literally role play. So it's really like you need a bodyguard. Oh, we're both spies. Oh, we're on this trip. You can role play when you're like going on a trip together and have a whole little silly thing and a game. You're a shrimp and I'm a soft shell crab. Soft crab, Soft crab. Like, yeah, loads of it can be like playful, imaginative. It can sometimes be sexy, it can sometimes be.

Not the shrimp.

And serious.

I do want to say sexy.

This person who, this person who messaged Angie, you know, the, that thing of flirting feels inauthentic to me. And what feels authentic to her, she said, is like low key bullying someone. Which she says with a laugh. But you know, we all get what she means. You know, she says just being a smart ass and screwing with them a little. What that says to me is what feels inauthentic to me is vulnerability. And what feels authentic to me is having my garden guarded.

Yeah.

And that's not really what's authentic to you. It's just where you've learned to operate comfortably. You don't need to be constantly testing someone to see if they're witty. Witty people will show you they're witty. They don't need you to test them. And, and but what you might do with someone like that is scare them away if they feel like everything has a sort of acerbic quality to it.

Yeah.

Because then they have to be guard up.

Yeah. And you're constantly like, it's kind of exhausting to be talking to someone who's constantly making you like have to spar with them in that way. You know, I actually think that there's something very beautiful about the contrast of, of someone who, you know is a strong character who can say something soft and sensitive or sweet. You know, if you, if you bumped into someone in a coffee shop or whatever and they are that slightly stronger personality or there's someone who's, you know, maybe a little harder on. Bit more hard shell crab on the outside. It when, if hard crab a bit more hard crab. If when you get home you sent them a message and you were like, well that not going to lie. That made my coffee shop visit more fun today. Like that's they. They sense a sweetness.

Yeah.

To you. And that's that contrast. And, David, you pointed this out earlier when we were speaking off the show that. Can you make that point? You said. Because when I. When we talked to you about, like, what's flirting to you? What in the past, what is flirting been to you? You made a really good point. Yeah.

Just showing contrast and it being okay to kind of display your skills and display the ways that you're unique and different. So when I was younger and even, you know, now to my current partner, I would, you know, will show that I can be really skillful and dexterous with something. Like I have, like, a weird ability to spin a spoon. Right. But then I can also be athletic, and I can still, like, you know, do a dead sprint pretty quickly or. And then, you know, show that I can be artistic. And I can. I can. I like music. I can sing. And I think a lot of time people actually become uncomfortable to show contrasts because they're like, oh, but this part about me is kind of. It almost disqualifies that other part about me. This is what I am. And I always thought that people got really excited when you could see. See, when you could show that you're all these different things.

Yeah.

You know what?

That's what we call unique pairings.

Absolutely. And what that reminds me, a really good way to flirt with someone that, you know, is invite them to a workout class. And if you're athletic, if you enjoy working out, if working out, if you haven't worked out in, like, three years and you're like, this is gonna be absolute hell, maybe don't do this, because you probably don't. That's not, like, gonna make you feel good and confident. But if you're somebody who's athletic, who enjoys working out, invite them to a workout class. Because there's, again, that kind of, like, you know, they'll see that resilience in you. They'll see you, you know, sweat a little bit, which is kind of sexy. They'll see you, like, show that different side of you that's more athletic, that's got grit, that's got resilience, etc, and so I think that's a really good, organic way of displaying what you're talking about, David. That kind of contrast is they might have seen you in a work setting, a, you know, fun setting or whatever, serious setting, and then suddenly they see you in this whole other light, which I think can be super attractive.

I love that. A big theme that I. I want to just say for anyone who's struggling to flirt is one of the most important parts of creating chemistry is the. Is demonstrating desire. It we. When we want to, like, connect with someone and move things forward, it's almost like the last thing we ever want to do is actually show desire for someone. But desire is a really crucial component of chemistry, and desire doesn't have to be I want you. Desire can just be pointing out that there's something attractive about someone. Or, you know, you. You could be on your second date with someone, and someone can be telling you a story, and you kind of slightly interrupt in a way that you say, like, you look really handsome right now, just in case you didn't know. Anyway, carry on. I didn't mean to interrupt, but how.

Do you overcome the fear of rejection in all of this? So I think, yeah, that's also true, but I'm just. I'm at home listening and I'm going to. Yeah, but that's the whole point. Demonstrating desire is absolutely terrifying. And like, how do I do that? Because what if I demonstrate desire and I don't reciprocate, which is mortifying.

Well, I, I remember writing it once as desire without dependence. And I think there are ways to express desire without showing you are reaction seeking and with. Without showing that. Yeah, it's like, even if you. You can show you want an opportunity without making it look like this is the only thing I'm staking everything on. But you could be like, oh, I really want to do that, or that sounds really exciting. And I think similar in attraction, you can, you can show someone there's something about them that's unique or interesting or that you think it'd be fun to do something together. But, like, you're also just like, yeah, let me know if you feel like it. Like, let me know if you. If you're up for it. Like, you can show someone that and put the ball in their court. You can do things with plausible deniability that are just like, you know, that shirt looks great on you in a DM or whatever. It's still plausibly deniable. Right? You're not like, having to ask something. You're not saying, do you like me too? Do you like fancy me as well? But yeah, so I think there's ways to do it. You're just inviting. All you're doing is opening the door so people can hit the ball back. That then you have to see, did I dribble with the ball? Do they pass it back? You know, it's like you're Doing something with it, putting it over to them.

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Okay, so I have a question for you guys. You have been going to the gym for a few months and you really fancy a personal trainer at the gym and you know each other's names, you've talked a few times. There's maybe been a little bit of what you've perceived to be a little bit of flirting, a bit of like low key interest, whatever. And then you, you know, slide into his DMS or her DMS non gendered and say something about, you know, the way they look or whatever, any of the things that we've talked about today. And they maybe they heart it, but they don't respond. Maybe they don't respond at all. What do you then do? Because you're then mortified and in your head going, oh my God, this, they don't like me. I can't go to this gym anymore. This is so embarrassing.

I don't think I would feel any of that stuff?

Well, I think a lot of people would feel that stuff. I would feel like that.

It depends what you say.

It depends the level of a move you make. Right. I do. I'm. I'm a advocate for, like, inching forward slowly.

Yeah.

But my question to you is, what do you do if you've inched forward in a way that you perceive to be putting yourself out there and then you don't get that response? The reason I'm asking is because I want to give people a contingency plan so that they feel like they can be more brave and they know that if it doesn't work out, they have a strategy that doesn't mean they have to, you know, quit the gym or.

What was your example of the move they made?

I don't know. Like, let's say they said it could be anything. It could be like you're in the gym and you say something like, you know, they talk about somebody movie and you say, like, we should go and watch that sometime. And they go, ah, yeah. And then they never follow up. Or you're. You go. You slide in their DMS after a story and you say something like, your arms look great in that picture. Or, you know, you send them a restaurant and say, like, I thought you might like to try this place, something, whatever it might be like. And then that person doesn't reciprocate in the way that you want them to, what do you then do?

But I think those things would all feel like a leap from having just had a very platonic set of interactions with someone at the gym. Like, when I think of the person at the gym, I think of what are some ways that I could bring some kind of energy or progression to this that gets us out of the very habitual kind of routine of conversation that we're in. Because that's what happens with people. We get in a. In a rut of interacting with them in exactly the same way every single time. And part of the game should just be, can I do something that's a little bit of a pattern break from what we've done before? So we could be talking about movies, and I. It could be. I don't. What's an example? Let's say we've had a very, like, nice scene. Every exchange we ever have is always me laughing at every one of their jokes is always me smiling at everything they say and agreeing is always like, that is the same energy all the time. So maybe the next time you talk about movies together because you have a Little exchange. And you what? They're like, what have you been up to? And you say this, I've been watching this movie. And they like, I just watched this movie, you know, I just watched this old movie and I really didn't like it. Blah, blah. Maybe that's your moment where you go, okay, I'm going to tell you why you're wrong. And in that moment, like, someone's like, oh, wait, what's this? Like, I'm going to tell you why you're wrong about this movie, okay? And then you speak. What you're doing is breaking rapport, where up until now all you've done is agree with them on everything. And that little moment of breaking rapport changes the dynamic a little. It shows that you're someone who's happy to break rapport. It shows that you are not trying to just please them all the time by agreeing with them. It creates a little friction in a playful way.

I love that. But what if you've already done that and it still hasn't progressed? What's the next step after that? Because surely making a move would be the next step. So there's a lot of people who we speak to who say, I have been flirting with someone at the gym. So they already feel like they've kind of got that, you know, banter, interaction. Maybe they've got some inside jokes, maybe they've got those things and that what they're trying to gauge is like, are they interested? How do I actually progress it? How do they do that without fearing rejection?

If I. If I genuinely felt like I've been flirting with this person at the gym and they're flirting back with me, then one of two things is true. Either they do this with everybody and they're just being sweet and it's not anything and they don't want anything more, or for whatever reason, they're holding themselves back. I don't know, are they? Do they work in the gym? Do they. Are they worried about professionalism? Are they thinking that that wouldn't be appropriate? Are they worried that you'll think it's not appropriate? Is there something going on there? Are they a bit shy? And the only way that you know that really is by going, what's a little bit further? So that might be saying to someone, I'm going to go and grab a coffee after class. You're more than welcome to join. And seeing what they say. Like, they. They might say, oh, I've got something else, or whatever. No worries, have a great day. You know, you're You're. You're putting it out there and you're giving them that chance to step into it. What we can't do is get, like, if you do that and they don't respond to it, you can't keep telling yourself a story about what it could be.

Yes.

You have to say if they. At a certain point, it's like, you want. I'm not. I am not someone who thinks if. And specifically speaking about male female dynamics, when women are like, if he can't come up to me and ask me out, I don't want. Like, I'm not interested. I always think that's a ridiculous statement because there's loads of reasons why someone might not come over and ask you out or talk to you or feel like that's appropriate or doesn't know your relationship status or what. Like, that you. That's just an insane judgment to put on someone. But if you are walking up to someone and opening the door and saying all you have to do is walk through it and they don't walk through it, then at that point, that logic does hold up for me. Because if this. If they're so shy that you inviting them to coffee and them not be taking you up on it, they can't. Then the next week say, hey, I'm going for coffee today, if you want to join. If they can't do that, then I. I don't know. I wouldn't want to be stuck on an island with someone.

Yeah.

Like that I would. That's not a person who's proactive enough to be a teammate, in my opinion.

That's how you get them. You trap them on a deserted island.

Sorry, missed the point.

And that's it. You're like. Sometimes you're just putting, like, you're planting the seed, like, the desire without dependence. Like, I'm gonna do this if you want to come join. And it's like they're kind of a dummy if they don't take that at some point.

Yeah, true. If you were on an island, you would die.

Plenty of soft crab on an island.

Depending on the island you get washed up on, there could be a whole abundance of soft crab.

Let us know what you guys thought about all of this. Did we miss anything? Is there anything else you'd like us to cover? You can email us.

Do you like soft crab?

You can email us@podcastsathuhassey.com subject line. Soft Crab had to be the soft crab.

Are you listening to this episode right now? Wondering what to say to someone in your life? Maybe it's someone you just met, maybe it's a stranger that you keep bumping into in your life somewhere, a class you take. Maybe it's someone that you want to take it to the next level with. But you're wondering, what do I say? You're afraid of getting rejected. You wish you could be sat around the table with us right now and just ask me directly, Matthew, what should I I do with this person? If that's you, then I want you to do me a quick favor. Go over to askmh.com and ask Matthewai the exact question you need to know the answer to. It might be asking for a text message or a conversational script or something that you should do in this situation. Matthew AI will have an answer for you. And what's great about Matthew AI is you're getting my answer. So go over to askmh.com you can call or text me and ask your question right now. And if it's not to do with flirting, no problem. Ask the question you really want to ask that's most relevant to where you are. The great news is you can try it for free. It will blow your mind because it blows blows everyone's minds. And then if you love it, you can become a full time member which gives you unlimited access. Go try it out@askmh.com I can't wait to see what you think. All right, back to the episode. By the way, there are a couple of comments from people who said in response to the poll this very same thing they said don't want to mess up. Their reason for not flirting is I don't want to mess up a good friendship when having the relationship would require quite a bit of sacrifice and seems logistically difficult. That was one another person said, I'm not scared of rejection. I'm scared I'll lose the friendship or things will be awkward afterwards if they reject me. You know, unhatched eggs.

Now we're on eggs. Crab, shrimp and eggs. Go on.

Unhatched eggs. That's what that is. It's I've got a little unhatched egg. There might be something in it if I cracked it open. I think there could be. I'm going to fantasize about what's inside the egg, but I'm not going to crack it open. I'm just going to keep the egg and keep it nestled and just, just hold on to it for as long as possible. Because what we're really afraid of is we're going to crack the egg and there's just not going to be anything in it. You know, we, we, we say, oh, I don't want to lose them as a friend or whatever, but I always have to ask people, how close are you? Be honest. How close are you? Is this one of your best friends? Like, is this your best friend in the whole world?

You're not supposed to want to have sex with friends.

And if it is, do you want to live in self torture of being in love with your best friend in the whole world? That's, that's not going to be a healthy place to live.

No, it's not.

I love the unhatched egg.

Yeah, get rid of those. Don't crack open the egg. See what's in it. And if there's nothing in it, keep moving on. It's not. Don't live your life just nestling these little unhatched eggs under your warm cheeks.

You could have sent fe.

But seriously, look at this one, right? Don't want to mess up a good friendship when having the relationship would require quite a bit of sacrifice and seems logistically difficult. I don't believe they're close friends.

I don't believe they're close friends.

How can they be close friends if it's that logistically difficult to have a relationship with them? This sounds like a person that's a thousand miles away that they're not close to and there's using the quote friendship as an excuse they not to take.

A risk to nestle the egg.

Crack open that little egg.

All right.

Now we did say we would get to the email that Audrey refused to answer.

Yeah, I still refuse.

This one was from I'm gonna say E just so that there's nothing traceable here that, that you know would get this person in any kind of hot water. Although it does sound like she's gonna get herself in hot water. She said she emailed into podcast matthew hussey.com which is our email address for any to send us a question. How do you recommend we flirt with a superior such as a boss or professor? I'm going to take a wild stab at this person being a professor without crossing professional boundaries and putting yourself or anybody at risk. If you've shared several prolonged glances and caught him stealing glances, you have felt the chemistry when talking to each other and have seen the body language while talking to him, but haven't asked for the phone number. And that is from E. Now, Audrey, you refuse to answer that because you just felt there's just a lot of trouble that's going to happen out of this. Yeah, and I agree. I. This is not. I listen, the first thing you should do is figure out what your exit plan is from this company or how you're going to deal with it. When you hook up with this person and all of a sudden you're either working under them or in their class, looking at them every day, that is going to be. You are creating your own chaos six months from now. The work relationships tend to fail as often as any relationship. The only difference is with any other relationship, you're not then stuck with that person in a place that should, in theory, be your escape from a breakup. You're one of the great saviors after a breakup is that I can lose myself in my work. I can lose myself in my hobbies, I can lose myself in my passions. If. If the very place that you would go to lose yourself in heartbreak is where the heartbreak is, then you have to consider that when you're getting into something. So listen, E we've given plenty of flirting advice here, so I, you, you can decide what to do with all of that. I dare say we've said some things that might even be helpful to you, but I. I really would caution you that it's so easy on the way in to only focus on the parts of this that are exciting. It's the reality. We've given plenty of flirting advice here, so I, you you can decide what to do with all of that. I dare say we've said some things that might even be helpful to you, but I. I really would caution you that it's so easy on the way in to only focus on the parts of this that are exciting. It's the reality that we don't focus on. Is okay, let me for a moment picture what happens if this doesn't work out. What does this part of my life look like if it doesn't work out? And remember, if it gets really, really awkward, it's often not the boss that we don't focus on is okay, let me for a moment picture what happens if this doesn't work out. What does this part of my life look like if it doesn't work out? And remember, if it gets real, who's the one that goes.