Is There Ever A Right Time To Date?

Hello, this is Matthew Hussie from Love Life. We have a caller on the line today. Her name is Chantelle. It's good to speak to you.

You too, I can't believe I'm talking to you.

I can't believe I'm talking to you. This is a great moment for us both. What was your question, Chantelle?

I was watching your video about when you said that we make excuses as to why we can't date. So I thought I knew why I didn't want to date right now, but that video made me really think. And then, so I thought about it and I found out that the reason was that I feel like I'm not dating material. And when I say that, I mean, I feel like I'm not at a point in my life where I should be financially or just where I am. And I feel like my standards are so high.

So.

Basically my question is, should I wait until I get to a good point in my life where somebody actually wants to date me where I'm accomplished, or should I work on that while I get to that place? Yeah. If you understand what I'm trying to say.

Wow, what a great question. Very well phrased as well.

Thank you.

I'm the same way as you a little bit. I like to really get to a point where I think I'm at my absolute hottest and then date someone. You know what I mean? Like, you're like, how can I make myself amazing and then date someone so that. So that then I feel great about this whole situation? Right now, the problem with that is that there are things that dating can bring you in terms of growth. right now that you will miss out on if you are too busy getting every other area of your life perfect before you then go and date. What's the perfect way to be prepared for the man that you're going to spend the rest of your life with? It's to have understood dating and relationships better by that point so that when he comes along, you know what you're doing in that area. What if I told you that Part of being prepared isn't just your finances, isn't just having your life structured the way that you want it. Part of being prepared is also being prepared for a great relationship, which means knowing relationships. You know, how do you prepare to be a great friend? Well, you have friends and you practice being a great friend. How do you prepare for being a great daughter? or a great sister, you do that. You do it every day and you get better along the way and you make lots and lots and lots of mistakes. So for you right now, I would say that the two aren't, your growth and your ability to be in a relationship aren't mutually exclusive. You can do both at the same time. And in fact, the only way to really be ready for the man that you want to meet is to date other men now. Right? So you don't have to be the next guy you meet and date doesn't have to be the guy you're gonna spend the rest of your life with. But guess what? He might be a guy you learn a lot from. He might be a guy that teaches you a lot about guys in general. It might be a relationship that teaches you a lot about relationships in general. You'll make a lot of mistakes. You'll learn from them. And the guy that you do end up with will be so grateful that you got out those mistakes on someone else. That's the truth. When we're all looking for the one, the truth that no one really talks about is that we're all grateful for the person that got out some of their worst mistakes on other people so that we got them in a more mature and highly formed person.

So should I lower my standards?

That's an interesting... okay. You it's a another great question. You I believe that when you're young, you know what? Forget it. When whenever you wherever you're at in life, you can leave a relationship anytime you want. You just have to know that you're strong enough to leave. That's all. But you can leave a relationship anytime you want. Now, when you say lower your standards, in a way, I don't necessarily look at it as lowering your standards. I look at it as Being prepared to have experiences. Being prepared to have experiences in life that will actually teach you a lot about life. You know, haven't you done some jobs that weren't the perfect job, but you did them because you thought they would give you some experience and you'd learn more about the world by doing them?

True.

You know, we do that. We travel to certain countries, not because we want to live there for the rest of our lives, We travel to a country because we think, I want to experience that country for a week. I want to see what that kind of place is like to be in. And you might get there and you might hate the food. You might get there and you think, God, this is beautiful, but I couldn't live here year round. I'd be bored out of my mind. You might get there and think, you, know what, this is great, but this place is too fast paced for me. You know, it's great for a couple of days. Well, guess what? Guys are like that too. You know, you experience different types of guys and they're not necessarily to be with them isn't necessarily to lower your standard. It's to have a different type of experience than one that you might choose for the rest of your life. You know, there might be one type of guy that you say, you know what? This is a guy that I'd see for a weekend because he's fun to engage with and to go out with and, you know, just being around him, he's a completely different type of person than me. And that's useful because he balances me out in a different way and teaches me something. You know, I've been out with people where I've just thought to myself, God, this person is so much more fun than I am. And by being with that person, I learn more about how to have fun. Does that make sense?

Yeah, it does.

Now, I know I don't want to be with that person every day for the rest of my life, because the truth is they're too far that way. They're in the extreme and I think, God, you would exhaust me. I can't be with you forever. But guess what? By going out with you a few times and just hanging out, I'm learning a lot more about how to balance my own weaknesses out. because you know how to have a good time and I'm not so good at that and I'm learning from you right now. You know, there might be other people who are crazy, you're with them and they're crazy intellectual and you realize that to be with them for too long would bore you because that's all they talk about. But guess what? To be with them for a little while teaches you the value of things that you otherwise wouldn't do. You know, you fall in love with reading again or you fall in love with certain subjects. They're great people to be around for that. So don't think of it as lowering your standards. think about it as engaging in different types of experience that allow you to be more worldly along the way. And nothing, trust me, nothing will help you choose the guy you actually want more than knowing what's actually out there. But that's not to say that all of those things that you were gonna do anyway, such as building your finances, getting your life in shape, feeling their structure in your life, getting emotionally fit, getting confident, all of those things should be happening anyway. And just to give you the reverse of my argument, the, there's a, there's a great book you should read at the set. And I want you to take it with a pinch of salt because I want you to understand that I'm also telling you, I think, is a great idea for you to go and date and have experiences. But the, the worst, the other side of that that becomes dangerous is the person who has to date, who has to be in that experience because they're so afraid of being alone. There's a great book by, uh, uh, Rainier Raul, and it's called letters to a young poet. and he speaks a lot in this book about the importance of solitude and how beautiful solitude is. The ability to be on your own and how that grows you and helps you discover yourself and discover worlds because you haven't got the noise of people being around you all the time. And it's a really beautiful book and it will help you understand the beauty of being alone just as much as the beauty of dating.

Okay.

Both are important. Anyone who only does one is boring. enjoy both. Thanks, Chantelle. I appreciate you being on the line.

Thanks for having me.

Of course. If you have a question for love life or for me, the show won't answer you. I will answer you. It's 844-204-6288 that's 844-204 Matt, I will speak to you soon. And by the way, if you are not on my Facebook right now, it's facebook.com forward slash Coach Matthew Hussey. Let's continue the conversation there. I'll see you soon.