In this YouTube conversation, Matthew AI, Steve, and Steve’s conversation partner explore how anxious and avoidant attachment styles can sabotage romantic relationships. They discuss how anxiety about losing attention leads to fear of expressing needs, and how avoidant tendencies can prevent honest communication about boundaries. The speakers emphasize that both styles share a fear of being perceived as too demanding or unworthy, which blocks the expression of genuine needs. They propose using clear, structured communication templates—such as stating specific requests and explaining the emotional impact—to provide partners with predictable cues and reduce uncertainty. The dialogue also highlights the importance of balancing one’s own needs with a partner’s, encouraging mutual compromise and open dialogue to prevent misunderstandings. Throughout, the conversation underscores that distinguishing wants from essential needs (e.g., constant texting vs. predictable availability) can create a sense of safety. The segment concludes with Matthew AI promoting his “Momentum Texts” program, a paid service aimed at helping early daters move relationships forward.
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Whether you're on the anxious side or the avoidant side, you can still be afraid of who I am is going to sabotage things. It's going to be not enough for someone, and that prevents you from asking for what you actually need.
We have another comment from Akiya who said, I feel anxious when I don't have constant attention and I have a hard time communicating my needs.
It's a tough combo, anxious and also trouble communicating that they're anxious. So it probably manifests in like this really anxious attachment or anxious avoidant attachment, where it's like I'm pissed off and angry and now I'm going to like run off and not explain why.
You know, I think they go hand in hand a lot of the time. Because if you're, if you're anxious, anytime someone leaves your side or isn't giving you attention, there's, you know, you're also, you're, you're not just anxiously trying to get attention. You're anxious that you're going to lose it. You're anxious that they're going to abandon you. And what you don't want to do is give them more reasons to abandon you than you think they already have. And expressing your vulnerability and the things you're, you know, the needs you have is something that you might think is going to make you seem high maintenance. It might make you seem weak, it might make you seem unattractive. And so you, the last thing you want to do is give them more reasons to find you unattractive or to not want you or to ask for things because you're worried that if you ask again, that anxiety is, I'm not worthy, right? I. I don't want to. If I ask for something, then I might be too much for you. I'm only worthy when I'm doing everything you want, not when I ask for things I want. So that feeling of I'm anxious anytime they're not around or not texting me but I'm too afraid to say it is all part of the same thing.
Do you think in a way you can need less attention the more you get comfortable with just asking for what you want? Is the attention like a substitute for you just needing to feel a certainty? But in a way, if you can ask calmly for this is what I'd like, or I'd like us to talk for half an hour each night or whatever. Maybe you need less in between that because you've been able to just communicate solidly. This is my expectation, this is what I want. And now I Don't have to feel.
So kind of like if, you know, if, you know dinner's coming tonight, you don't need to worry about, like, we're like constantly fretting about your hunger. Right.
Always about food, isn't it? Always, always. You know, actually the holistic psychologist said something to that. She said what showing love to anxiously attached people looks like. And it was a message which was like, you know, hey, I'm really busy with work today, but just so you know, that's all it is. I'm not ignoring you and I'll message you at 4 o' clock when I get out. And I think you're totally right. It's that sort of like if you can exist, if you have these parameters in which you know this person isn't. Because I think it's the story you build in your head when you're not getting the communication, which essentially is, I'm going to get left. I'm not worthy, they don't love me. There was someone else, whatever it might be. Whereas if you, if you know that during this time, it's nothing to do with you, they're just living their life and their other obligations and their other kind of commitments, then, yeah, you worry less about it. And I think there's a lot to that. And being able to effectively communicate that is super important. Right?
Yeah. Yeah. I have the other issue where I'm often worried about people intruding too much on my space. And I know I can let a lot of that, that anxiety go away of, oh, I'm feeling trapped. I don't. If I am able to go, hey, I'd really love to have space to do this tonight or this, then I'm not like, so jittery and freaked out, like, someone's gonna come and monopolize all my time or someone's gonna come and, like, try and trap me and make me do things I don't want to do. If I'm out to be like, I'd like this morning to do this and then we will go and do that this afternoon.
I feel the guy that's like, that sent that message a bunch. That holistic psychology, you just copy and paste that to everybody. I think, I think he sent me that this morning. It was pretty rude.
It's kind of funny though, isn't it? Because you could be avoidant and still not having those conversations. And if you say, why does an avoidant not have those conversations? Like in the past when you were in a place in your life where you wouldn't have that conversation. Why do you think that was.
Partly some kind of learnt people pleasing tendency and some nervousness that it would be taken as a kind of act of just coldness or unkindness.
But what would. What's the thing you're afraid of in like what was the result that, that that could happen because of those things that you were afraid of?
I suppose it was thinking are now they're gonna feel upset or angry all day and like it's going to create a tension that we're gonna then have to address. Like it's going to be taken, it's going to be taken the wrong way and there's going to be an argument or tension.
Right.
And. And yeah and I kind of fear.
Of this person's gonna leave me if I communicate this like that eventually they're just going to decide I'm not enough or I can't give enough or I'm just curious. I'm not such. That's not intended.
I think there's definitely times where I felt nervous about in the past about talking about certain boundaries or things I would like for fear that they're gonna think this is like, yeah, this is too much demand or this is like, well who are you to ask that? What you don't want to like spend time with me? Well, screw you. Like, you know that it's like oh no, if I say that it is gonna rock the boat.
And it's just kind of interesting, isn't it? Because whether, whether you're on the anxious side or the avoidance side, you can still be afraid of who I am is going to sabotage things. It's going to be not enough for someone and that prevents you from asking for what you actually need. And it's, it's a sad thing because you, you can actually have a shot at getting what you need by communicating. What would help you and what would. It's not about someone. I think you know, we have to be careful in the conversations about attachment styles that it doesn't sound like communicating means that they have to meet all of your desires because your desires are different from your needs. Right. What you may want is different from what you need. You may want thinking anxiously to be texted every hour of the day, but what you need is structure. What you need is to know that someone, you know that you're safe and someone saying to you hey, I'm really busy with meetings today so I won't be very available but I can't wait to speak to you after work is a kind of structure. It's a kind of safety. I know where I stand with that. But when, you know, I actually think it's almost incumbent on us, whatever our attachment style is, to figure out what template can I give someone for how to alleviate certain things with me so that they don't have to guess at it and read my mind? What template can I give them that isn't me asking them to, you know, respond to all of the worst permutations of my attachment style, but gives them a way of handling my attachment style that's healthy and gives me what I need to feel like I'm in a good place.
I love that. I actually want to add an extra layer which is when you go and out and approach that having the conversation in the realm of, you know, when you do this, I feel like this. Therefore it would be amazing if you could do this in order for me to not be triggered in those ways. But I appreciate you too have needs. So I want to hear as well what it is that you would like and where you feel that might be too much so that we can come to a compromise. Because sometimes as well, I think when we have quite kind of all consuming attachment style, we forget that we're also dealing with somebody else who also might have stuff, who also might have needs. And so if we're not taking the time, if we're only putting on them what we want from them, we're not necessarily taking the time to see what they want back from us. And the more they can communicate and you can communicate, I think it just creates this very. It brings you out in the open, right?
Yeah. And I think the more you communicate to someone, I'm looking out for your needs, the more that person can see you as a long term partner. You relax because you go, oh, this person's got my. They've got my needs. So I don't have to constantly be defending my needs because they've got them. They're taking them in their hands. It's. That's a. That's a powerful thing.
I love that.
I see why people don't send that message though. Like Steve, you might not send that message, even though it's beautifully said, especially the way you said it, Matt, where it's just like, hey, I'm just getting out my meetings and then thinking about you, but just know I'm busy. There's a way to send that message and have it be really nice and compassionate and sweet. But even sending it there, you are putting yourself out there and you're almost putting a line in the sand and saying, like, here's the needs that I can meet, and maybe it's not going to work. Like, if. If you're still anxious after that message, that's kind of like, that's tough. Maybe we aren't actually compatible. So I think that's why people don't actually communicate it. Sometimes they're a little bit afraid to just put it out there. Like, if it's a question mark, who knows? Maybe we can make it work. But if I just communicate thoroughly, then we're gonna find out right away whether it's just gonna actually work or not. True.
Yeah, great point. Hey, before you leave the video, if you are sick and tired of early dating never materializing into a real relationship, I have something for you. It's called the Momentum Texts. It is my most practical program for early dating, and it shows you specifically how to take any situation and move it to the next stage in early dating. You can get it $11 by going to momentumtexts.com check it out. This will be a great investment for you. If finding love is a priority for you this year. I'll see you there.
