Matthew Hussey says we show only one predictable side of ourselves to each person, keeping relationships flat. He suggests deliberately breaking pattern over the next few days: ask deeper questions to your funny friend, tease the serious one, flirt with an acquaintance. When people see a new side of you, they show you more of themselves too.
Welcome to Love Life. I'm Matthew Hussey. Now, the content of today's show is something kind of interesting. I have come to believe that there is something fundamental that is holding us back from having deeper connections with the people in our lives. And I mean everyone from your friends to the person that you buy your coffee from in the morning to, you know, the, the person who you greet when you get to work, all of those people in our lives from the people who really co-star in our lives to the cameos in our lives. And I think the thing that holds us back is we really don't show enough sides of ourselves to the people in our lives. I was thinking about this. I'm in New York right now. And in my building in New York, there's a doorman who, as I walk by him, every morning when I'm leaving my apartment, I realized I was having the exact same interaction with him every single time. You know, I'd say, Hey Mike, and he'd say, Hey Matt, how's it going? And I'd say, Good, how you doing? He'd say, I'm good. And that would be the end of the interaction. And I real, and that's not an evil in itself, but I realized that I was having the same interaction every time. And as a result, I was in danger of being a two-dimensional character. to this person. I think that because we see, because we think we're giving different sides of ourselves to all these different people, you know, that we have that friend that we joke with a lot. We have that friend that plays therapist for us, the one that we go to with all of our problems. Every time we have a problem, we go to that particular friend. We have the person that we go to for our more superficial interactions. We have all of these different people in our lives that bring out different sides to us. Whatever we feel comfortable bringing out around them is the thing we consistently bring out around them. Now, because we're giving all these different sides of ourselves to different people, we sometimes mistakenly believe that everyone is seeing us as a three-dimensional character. But that's not necessarily true, because many people in our lives only ever see one side to us. and that's what it was like with the, the guy on my building, Mike, with my doorman. Every time I'd walk by him, I, you know, I realized, God, he must just see me as this nice guy. You know that he never sees my cheeky side or my playful side or my silly side, my teasing side, because I'm always in a certain mode. And I think the danger is that we, whatever we've done the last three or four times with somebody in our lives, that's what, that's the Groove we get into with that person, and that's what we Keep doing with that person because it's now comfortable. We're in a routine. And I think secretly we all are scared of trying something different, you know, teasing someone that we're normally just nice with, for example. We're afraid to do it because we feel like they may look at us funny. They may stare at us and almost either be suspicious of it or look at us as if to say, hang on, I've never seen this side of you before. You're not normally like this. We're afraid of the attention that we might get as a result of doing something new with somebody. But I want to challenge you right now. This is my challenge for you for the next couple of days. With the people in your life, I want you to, whatever is your normal reflex with that person, try doing something different. So if there's a friend that, for example, you always have very silly kind of superficial funny interactions with, Try asking them a more meaningful question for a change that actually brings out part of their real personality that's not just joking around, but part of them. Maybe their desires, their beliefs, their ideas on life, their ambitions, the things that matter to them, the people they love. If it's someone that you always get serious with, try teasing them the next time you're with them. If it's someone, you know, if it's a member of the opposite sex that you're always friendly with, try flirting with them for a change. Try mentioning that they look hot in that outfit, you know, or they're looking really good today. Try and do the opposite. Or if not the opposite, try and do something different than what you would normally do. Set yourself little tiny challenges. It's like me with my doorman, right? Instead of walking out and being like, Hey, Mike, I could walk out and comment on something he's wearing today. or tease him about something or play with him a little bit, you know, just break the mold with that. Because what you'll find is, I really believe that real friendships are born and real relationships are born from the moment we become three-dimensional to somebody. But in order to become three-dimensional, we have to take a risk to show them a different side of our personality than we have been. we've gotten stuck in a rhythm and a routine with that person. We need to now show them a different side to us proactively. And when you do that, you'll give them permission to show you a different side of them. It's showing different aspects of ourselves that ultimately makes us relatable to other human beings. That's what builds real connection, is when someone says, ah, you're a human being. You're not just this way. You're not. You're not just that person who walks through every day and says, hi, you're actually a human being with hopes and dreams and desires and insecurities and thoughts and beliefs and ambitions. That's what makes someone real. So, try becoming a little more real to the people in your life, whether they're the most important person to you or somebody that is just a cameo in your life, someone you see briefly every day. Practice on those people. because it tends to be lower risk anyway. And as a last point, rather than fearing that look people give you when they're surprised to see something new from you, fall in love with that look of surprise from them, because that will allow you to truly be free in the way you express yourself. If you can fall in love with that little look of surprise or that little moment of awkwardness where they adjust, you're gonna be free.
