LIVE Q&A: How to Have Standards

All right, everyone, hello. We're going to do some Q and A today live for anyone who is lucky enough to be live with us right now who just happened to be on social at this time. So hello everyone. We're going to do some Q and A. I'm going to talk about concept that I'm excited to share and I also want to make sure that as many of you as possible go check out the free training I did before it disappears on Wednesday at midnight. That link, for anyone who hasn't seen it, is lovelifereplay.com if you're on Instagram or Facebook, you can literally comment the word replay. I will send you a link, but this is a 90 minute free training I did last week that is only available for two more days. So, so go check it out while there's still time. Is for anyone who wants to go from casual to committed, anyone who really wants a long term relationship right now but is struggling. This is a really valuable free training that I did that is only available until Wednesday at midnight. Hello to all of you who are joining right now. 800 people instantly on Instagram. How fun is that? Hello to all of you on TikTok, YouTube, Facebook. Chantel, I see you typing replay on Facebook. We'll send you a link right now. We're going to do some questions today, so let's, let's get to it. And I have a fun concept I want to share with you as well that I think is going to be interesting and help a lot of you with your love lives right now. So let's, let's get to it. David, if you have any questions you like the look of you, let me know. And if you want to ask a question, feel free to put it in the chat and we'll answer some. I'm just going to. David, can I take this off of full screen? Because I'm just realizing the questions get cut off on the side. All right, let's see. Hello in Bangalore. Shilpa, it's good to see you. Hi, Connor. What's going on? Connor says, what do I do after my girlfriend of seven years leaves me after saying she wasn't happy anymore? Well, look, I mean, as my friend David Kessler would say, at first you, you grieve. You know, that's a step that a lot of us miss, especially guys who, you know, feel that we're scared to approach those emotions. But we, we grieve. We grieve the loss of something that we thought we'd continue. We grieve the future that we thought we would have with this person. And we make peace with the fact that this is our new reality. And that requires some radical acceptance. That's the place that we have to arrive at is a radical acceptance that this is my new reality. And for a while that's going to be really painful. There's just no getting around that. If I loved this person and this person no longer wants to be with me, then I'm gonna have to grieve. I'm gonna have to accept that this is my new reality and that this is as Oliver Berkman puts it. I forget who he was quoting at the time. It was not Freud, it was, I forget. But there was a philosopher who, who used the term life task. What's your life task right now? And your life task, as Berkman writes in his new book Meditation for Mortals, your life task is whatever life is calling you to do right now. So your life task right now is to learn how to heal from the loss of a seven year relationship. Your life task right now is to learn how to still find a way to function in the worst pain and the worst heartbreak. That's your life task right now. And a lot of people when their life, when they get this life task, they want to reject it and they want to reject the reality that they found themselves in and bury their head in the sand. But if we can actually accept our life task and say this is what life is calling me to do right now. It's calling me to learn how to deal with this incredibly painful heartbreak and still find a way to find meaning in my life and still, you know, develop my friendships or still not lose hope that there is love out there for me, that this isn't the last time I'll find love. That's my life task. And first that's, that's not going to be something that is easy to accept immediately. But if you can start to realize that I don't have to not be in pain, I don't have to get myself out of this pain. My life task is to figure out how to manage through this pain right now and grieve and become the person that I'm going to become through this grief and through this loss, which is I believe almost always, if we accept our life task, an even better version of ourselves. An even more interesting and attractive version of ourselves. On the other side of it certainly a richer, deeper version of ourselves. Very good. Just reminding everyone who's coming in fresh right now, my free training, casual to committed, 90 minute training. I did last week. For over 20,000 people, live is available only until midnight this Wednesday. So only for two and a half more days. Make sure you go and check it out while it's still available@lovelifereplay.com or if you're on Instagram or Facebook. Just comment the word replay and I'll send you a link. I want to make sure that everyone sees that before it disappears. Okay, very good. Let's see what else we have. If that resonated with you, let me know. Margaret, you said this talk was meant for me. Thank you. I've been suffering from an insane, insane anxiety. Where was it? I lost the comment since my mum passed away. I'm so sorry, Margaret, but I'm. I'm so glad you're here. And the timing was important. That perfect for you to. To be here. All right, what else? I see all of you typing replay in the comments. I'll send you a replay of that training right now. You'll get it in your DMs. If you're on tick tock or YouTube. Commenting replay won't work. It will only work on Facebook and Instagram. But you can go to lovelifereplay.com to watch if you're on one of those channels. Janclo16 asks a really important question. How do I stop the desire to find love? This is from Instagram. TikTok. I'm coming to you next. Show you a bit of love. I'll answer a question from TikTok. How. And this is live for anyone who's asking. I feel like I always have to remind people of that when we're doing this. It's just that we're streaming across all of the platforms at the same time. How do I stop the desire to find love? Well, there's a. Obviously, there's a deep, deep sense of pain and disappointment at the heart of that question. Right. The desire, this, the wish to eliminate the desire to find love comes from a heartbreak. Might be the heartbreak of losing someone. It might be the heartbreak of losing everyone you've ever dated. It might be the heartbreak of never having found anyone in the first place. Place. But at the core of that is a heartbreak. I'm. I, I had these ideas growing up or, you know, and until the last few years in my life, of finding someone, of finding the kind of love that I believe is a massively, profoundly important thing in life. And that wish has never been fulfilled. That part of my life has never happened for me. And, you know, if I continue to harbor that desire to Find love. I'm going to be unhappy for the rest of my life. And therefore I need to find a way to eliminate that desire so that I can be happy. And the. And you know, the truth is that there is always going to be some part of us that wants connection, whatever form that connection comes in. There's also going to be parts of us that are sexual. And that's a. That's a difficult thing for a lot of people because how do I maintain my sexuality, that sexual impulse, at the same time as I'm not meeting anyone who seems to be serious about me? That's a hard thing to go through. But that's going to remain with us. Right? It's going to be an incredibly difficult thing for us to silence, just as it's going to be an incredibly difficult thing for us to silence the desire to share our lives with someone. Because on some level, most of us are built to want that. We're built for that sense of community, for romantic love, and to be able to share with someone. So I don't know that it's productive to fight that urge because I don't think that. I think the more you fight it, the more you're going to feel it. Instead, I. I truly believe in, you know, what I said at the end of my book, which is, we have to find our happy enough. How do I become happy enough with my life as it is today that I don't constantly yearn in a way that makes me feel like my life isn't good enough if I don't meet someone? How could I find a way to be happy enough with my friendships, with my life, with the meaning I find in my life, with the perspective on how great my life actually is and that there are plenty of people who have it far, far worse than I do? How do I connect with all of that to find my happy enough? And how do I approach life in a way that isn't constantly making me go out saying today didn't matter if I don't find someone, you know, even in social gatherings, Right. Sometimes some of us who want to find love, when we go to a social gathering, we feel like it was pointless if we didn't meet the love of our life at that social gathering. Oh, God, another time when I left the house and nothing happened, and what was the point in that? And we get very demoralized because of that. But if instead we can say, how do I find other reasons to do these things? Like I go to the party or I go to the social event or I join the club because there's some, there's something worth doing there for its own sake. Whether it's that it's going to help me become more confident, whether I'm going to make new friends, whether I'm going to learn a new skill, whether I'm just experiencing more of life by saying yes. How can I find other reasons to say yes to life than just the hope that by doing this activity or by going on this date, it's going to result in me finding the love of my life? Because if you, if that's your only reason to do things, you're going to be absolutely miserable when the date goes badly, when the person doesn't call you back, when you didn't see some handsome, beautiful stranger at the party who you exchanged numbers with. We have to find more reasons than that to say yes to things. And we also, I believe, have to in all of that, decide to show up to life in a way where we are still making an impact, still showing up with our gorgeous, authentic energy and remain open to the possibility that if we continue to do that over time, there really is no telling what could happen. Right? We are not great predictors of the future or where our happiness is going to come from, or who's going to come into our lives. Who here has been surprised by a change in direction in your life that happened? Or a person who walked into a new friendship that walked into your life out of nowhere, or a new mentor that came into your life out of nowhere, or a new father or mother figure that you're not related to that came out of nowhere? Who here has been surprised by life on that level? Say me in the chat, right? Who has over the last few years, you've been surprised by something that happened in your life that you never could have predicted? So let's remember, I see a bunch of you on TikTok right now saying, me, Tony Sapient, Tara Dale on YouTube, Gemma. So there's many of us have experienced this and I see you on Instagram as well, everyone. But our story about how we're never going to find love tells us that's not true in our love life. And that's, that's just a story because it can be just as true in our love life as it can anywhere else. But our job is to not con, not live a life where we're constantly waiting for things to get better in that area, for us to say that we're living a great life while simultaneously remaining open to the possibility that actually we have no idea how the future is going to go. So our only job is to keep showing up with an authentic, beautiful energy where we show up to make an impact, right? And for anyone who wants to know how to do that, how do I. How do I hold the possibility of something happening while continuing to show up with the right energy and making an impact and also enjoying life along the way? For anyone who is wondering how to do that, please come and watch the training that I'm talking about. I'm going to keep talking about it now, so don't worry, but please come and watch it, because I had a lot longer in that training than I have right now. I only have a few minutes right now, but in that training, I had a full 90 minutes to walk you through what that can look like in an age where it feels like no one wants to commit, no one is serious. Everyone is just, you know, high on the novelty of dating and the buffet of endless options and feeling like there's always some bigger, better deal somewhere. How do you exist in that dating landscape without being utterly demoralized and feeling like there's no point? Because there is a point. The point is that if you say no to the whole thing, if you say, I'm never going to be a sexual person again, I'm never going to be a open person again, I'm never going to experience romance again, if you say that we think that we're like saying no to the world, but actually what we're really doing is denying a huge fundamental part of ourselves that isn't just going to shut up and go away. Life doesn't work like that. You're still. There's going to be nights where you lay in bed at the end of the night and you're like, oh, my God, I'd love to be with someone right now. We're not just going to get rid of that feeling and we shouldn't live for us being able to fix that feeling. But what we shouldn't do is deny that that feeling exists and pretend we're just going to be able to lock it up and never hear from it again. So if you want to understand how to approach your love life while taking on these lessons, go to lovelifereplay.com and watch that free training that I did. It was called casual to committed. And in it I share the three core principles for getting commitment without games and without ultimatums. But the. The. There was a concept that I wanted to share today, and then I'm going to get some more questions, but it relates to what we've just been talking about, which is that there are times in our life where we have to protect ourselves. And there are times in our life where if we over protect ourselves all the time, we can never make an impact. And I. How many people here have had a time, something happened in your life that made you go into full protection mode? Maybe someone broke your heart, Maybe someone just crushed you, maybe someone toxic came along and manipulated you. Maybe. And it could may not even just be romantically. It might be a friend or a person in your life, in business, or a person, one of your colleagues or a boss, Someone really did something to betray you, to betray your trust, to make you question your faith in human beings. And you're like, I don't. It's almost like it's the kind of thing that when it happens, makes you go, I'm, I'm done. I'm done with the whole thing. You know, if you're in business, it can make you say, I'm done. I don't want to do this anymore. Like, I can't. If this kind of person can happen, if this kind of thing can happen, I'm done. If it's in love, someone comes along and crushes us or the, you know, makes us feel like we can't, you know, everyone's always going to betray us or that people are terrible, we go, I'm done with love. I'm done with love. I can't do this anymore. I can't subject myself to this anymore. Or maybe it's someone in your family, Someone in your family really devastated you or disappointed you on a level that shocked you. Whether it's a parent, a sibling, a son, a daughter. And that makes you feel like, oh my God, why am I doing any of this? Like, what? I'm done with people. I'm done with family. This is a very, very common thing. And when we're in that place, we go into full protection mode. Like, I can't. I'm. I just want to retreat from the world. I can't do this. And that. There's nothing wrong with that for a time, that's okay for a time. Sometimes we need to do that. Sometimes the number one priority and the only priority is I got to take care of me. I have to protect myself. I have to close, like, close ranks and, and protect me. I can't be hurt like this again. But at a certain point, if we live like that for too long, we stop making an impact and that's. That ends up being a tragedy, not just for Us, it becomes a tragedy for the world or for our community or for our family or for the people around us or for the people that need our friendship. Because we. We suddenly stop going out there and making an impact on other people. And by not making an impact anymore, we. You know, I see Ripstop 1709 on YouTube says, Do I really need to make an impact? Even if you're 100% selfish about it, and you say, I don't want to make an impact on anyone else, I don't care, that's okay, too. But when we're not making an impact, we're also not bringing in any new energy into our own life. We're not bringing in new opportunities into our own life. If you stop making an impact, you can't grow a business. You can't make a. You can't grow in your career. You can't find new love, you can't make new friends. If we stop making an impact, then our whole life starts to contract. So there's a balance here between how do I protect myself, but how do I also still make an impact? How do I still be the kind of person that goes out there and creates opportunities? How do I still be the kind of person that goes out there? And there's something about the life that's in me and the, and. And the energy that's in me that has an impact on other people. That it, you know, makes me a magnet or that makes someone want to be around me or make someone appreciate my friendship or make someone appreciate my company or, or make someone appreciate that I'd be great for an opportunity. Sometimes we have to say, like I am. It's almost like a phrase that comes to mind is the cost of doing business. Right, the cost of doing business. When people use that phrase in business, what they're usually talking about is that along the way in business, there are certain things that happen that you may wish didn't happen, but they're the cost of doing business. If you want to go out there and make an impact in your professional life, if you want to go out there and build something that's substantial, then you're going to have to go through the same things that everyone else goes through. And you can, you know, be upset about it, you can wish they didn't happen, but those are the cost of doing business. Well, there's the cost of being alive. There's the cost of doing life. And the cost of doing life is that shit is going to happen. Things are going to happen to us. People are Going to betray us. People are going to break our heart. Sometimes you're going to break someone else's heart. By the way, that sucks too, doesn't it? Who here has ever felt awful at having broken someone else's heart? Put your hand up. I know I've been in both shoes. I've had my heart broken and I've broken people's hearts. And it, and it like sucks both ways, right? It's painful, but that's the cost of living. The cost of not staying in our bedroom and doing nothing is that things are going to happen. And one thing that's really helped me in life is understanding that when these bad things happen and when I get too stuck in my own mind about how bad things are, it's usually because I've isolated, I have self isolated in a way where I no longer have perspective on a key truth. And the key truth is this, that other people are going through bad things too. That people you think are doing great are suffering their own betrayals. People you think are happy are going through their own kind of heartbreak. People that put on a brave face are in trouble psychologically. They're having major mental health issues right now or suffer from a chronic pain or anxiety or stress or depression. That we are not the only ones. Because it's the cost of living. Just as the cost of doing business is that if you try and build a business you're going to have, you're going to have to break some eggs, right? If you're going to go out there and live, you're going to have to break some eggs in life too. And that's the cost of living. And sometimes the thing you break is your own heart or somebody else's. Sometimes the thing that happens when you trust someone is you get betrayed. These are the costs of living. And so there's always this, this kind of existential battle, right, between protecting ourselves so that we don't suffer too much in this life and that we are prepared to take on the cost of living so that we don't waste this life, so that we actually feel like we're living it. Because we can't just have the like. It can't be, can it, that the purpose of life is to not get hurt. That can't be our purpose, can it? And when we're in full protection mode, it's like the purpose of life becomes not getting hurt. That becomes the driving force of our lives. Imagine getting to the end of your life and you know someone, some young person who's asking you for Your wisdom says, what's the meaning of life? And you say, to not get hurt. Right? That can't. That can't be it, can it? And if we follow that directive, we're going to live our lives in a very small way. But what helps me live life bigger is recognizing that I'm not the only one. Other people suffer these things, too. So I might say this is only happening to me. It's not. It's happening to people everywhere. And that, you know, what living a little larger have making a little more of an impact, showing more of my authentic energy is worth it for its own sake. Even if something bad happens, even if there are moments of betrayal along the way, even if, you know, some things happen that make me question my faith in people along the way, that it's worth it for its own sake. Because that's the kind of life I want to lead. And if you're not there right now, if you're in full protection mode because you're like, I just can't sustain another betrayal. I can't sustain another heartbreak. I can't. I'm done with people right now. Like, you're just in that place like people. If that's the case, that's okay. You can be there for a while. Like, if you're in that space, enjoy it right now. Enjoy it. It's a kind of. There's something existentially fun. I don't know what to say about that. There's something. Fun's not the right word. There's something. Pete Holmes calls it like an existential kink. When there's, like, something that you hate, but you sort of love to hate it as well. Like, some of you right now are in a place where you love to hate people, where you love to hate, love, where you love to, you know, say, I'm done with everyone. I'm done with all of this shit. I'm never doing this again. Like, there's something that can be a little fun about that, something a little rewarding about that, about just sticking your middle finger up to all of it. And that's okay. If that's where you are right now, enjoy your existential kink. But is probably not going to be where you want to live forever. Does that make sense? You're probably not going to be satisfied or happy living there forever. And at some point, you know you're going to be lying to yourself if you keep telling yourself that this is. This is what you want out of life forever. So at some point, full protection mode has to Shift to. I'm going to be smart. I'm going to be smarter than maybe I have been in the past. I'm going to learn how to tighten things up. You know, like it's, it's like as you go through life, like, you know, you learn how to tighten it up. I need to tighten it up. I need to tighten up the friendship group. I need to tighten up who gets through the door. I need to tighten up who's part of the circle. I need to tighten up who I let you know, who I let in or who I give important information about me too, or who I trust. I need to tighten up who I give more time to in my love life. I was way too lax about that in my past. So you learn, you learn intelligently where to tighten up, but you also start to go, I'm not going to protect to the point where I'm no longer making an impact. Because all of the living comes from the moments where I take a swing. Comes from the moments where I go and express myself fully. Comes from the moments where I go and say yes to life. Comes from the moments where I fully participate in life. And if you want to, if you want to know what protecting while also living looks like, go here, lovelifereplay.com go there. Because what you'll find in the three core principles that I share is it's a recipe for how to tighten up the circle and tighten up who you let in your life and tighten up your standards so that you are protecting yourself, but also how to make an impact. Right? Standards. You'll hear me talk about this. In core principle number one, standards are what protect us and they're essential. So we talk about those. But in core principle number three, I talk about something called relational intelligence, which is essentially our ability to make an impact. And the way I look at it is this standards will protect you, but relational intelligence is what gets you results in life. That's how you make an impact. And I talk about what that looks like in the session. So go check that out. Love life replay. If you do like, if, if you like my message, my videos and what I do, this is your chance to experience a full free training with me that you can get a lot of information in one place, but we're not leaving it up. This thing should not be free. It's worth a lot. But we're making it available until midnight on Wednesday. So midnight on Wednesday. So go watch this lovelifereplay.com before that happens, before it disappears. And if you're on Instagram or Facebook. This is important. You can literally just comment the word replay and I will send you a link in your DMs. I see a ton of you doing that in Instagram right now, so that's great. Gemma, I see you on Facebook, commenting replay. We'll get you a link. Melanie, I'm so glad that you found it. Amazing. All right, why don't we throw up a question? You got something you want to pin? Yeah. Do you? There's one that's, like, about the process of doing what you were just talking about. Let's leave that. Yeah, let's go. Let's see if we could go a different direction, because I feel like if people want to know more about that, we can actually. They can just go and watch that replay, and they're going to see exactly what I mean in much more detail than I have time for right now. All right, here we go. So David has just thrown a question up on the screen from one of you. This is from JD40. How can I deal with my fiance, who's extremely loyal, but now has an old friend she's reopened communication with? Because I said it was okay. They slept together in the past a few times and grew up together. That's a. It's a really tricky question. I. There's a lot of nuance to a question like this, because, firstly, you said it was okay because it sounds like you're a very open person who wants to be a good partner, and that speaks volumes for you. It's also lovely that your fiance is extremely loyal. But what I would query her on is I. I would be very honest with her and say, this is. I. I maybe haven't been honest with you enough about the fact that there's something about this that I feel uneasy about. And I might. There might be. You know, that might be purely coming from me, but there is something about you reopening a friendship with someone and communicating again when you guys slept together a few times in the past that it makes me feel uneasy. Even if it's purely innocent and platonic, it makes me feel uneasy. And I probably didn't do a good enough job of communicating that before. I was trying to be. I always want to be an amazing teammate to you, so I was trying to be a great teammate by suggesting that it was totally fine by me, and I didn't have a problem with it, but it's affecting me, and I wanted to talk to you about it, your partner. And by the way, you can also get curious about the. Firstly, I would let her speak and let her. I would see if what you have at that point is a teammate on a level that you have. You've already proven you want to be a teammate. Is this someone that hears you and says, oh, my God, that's the last thing I would want. And frankly, if you're. If you're uneasy with this, it's not the end of the world for me to not have a friendship with this person. It's not like they were in my life in the last couple of years. I'm just reconnecting with them. And if that's making you uncomfortable, then I don't. You know, I don't want that for you. Jd, you said she's shown me in her phone as well, when guys or girls have pressed her and she's cut them off. So she's loyal. I'm just uneasy about this since they've slept together. And again, thanks for answering. Well, that's when guys or girls have pressed her and she's cut them off. Do you mean jd? Like, people have hit on her in the past and she's cut them off? Is that. Is that what you're referring to? But in any case, it's. You should be this person's number one priority. Your feelings, what you're experiencing should be their number one priority. Now, we. We all know that there are times where people who are on the receiving end. Oh, so jd, you said times when friends. People she was friends with took it too far and she let them go. Fair enough. That's great. But if she takes that view, then I would argue what's. If she's slept with this person in the past, what purpose is it serving for her to open up a relationship again with this person? You know, it's not. You're not opposed to her making new friends, but does she have to reignite friendships with someone she slept with? Is that necessary? If they're not very good friends already, then where's the loss by her not opening that up again? And from her side. Let's just play her side for a moment. From her side, she might say, this is really unfair. You're controlling me, and I don't want to be controlled. And there's nothing untoward about this, and that's fine, but it's. We all can think of situations where that would be an unreasonable argument to make, right? If someone said, I go out to Vegas every weekend and I go to pool parties and I'm hanging out with lots of gorgeous people in swimsuits or swim shorts, and sitting in the Jacuzzi with them. At some point, someone might be within their rights to say, I don't know if this works for me anymore. And someone might say, how dare you? You're trying to control me. This is what I love to do. In which case that's okay, but maybe we're not right for each other. Right? I'm not. I don't want to control you, but what you're doing is making me very uncomfortable, and I don't want to feel constantly uncomfortable in my relationship. Now, there's also other extremes where you might be dating someone who. Let's now play the other side, where someone tries to control too much, where they're always trying to control where someone's going out and they're telling them, you can't wear that. You can't wear this. You. You can't go to this place. I don't want you to. You know, it's your friends, you know, bachelorette party in Vegas, and you're. I'm not. You're not allowed to go because I don't trust you. On this one occasion that you're going to Vegas for in the last year, I don't trust you to go and have a good time with your friends without doing something that betrays me. That's a level of control that I would argue is unacceptable. Right. So it's not that there's a black and white case here. It's that what you want is a. Is a collaborative relationship where someone puts you first. And, you know, let's see, JD says, I'm going to move on in a second. JD Because I want to get to more questions, but there's an interesting kind of. I think this is probably going to help a lot of people. Here's the issue in a quick bubble. She's been in a relationship. She's been in relationships in the past where they wouldn't let her be friends with him since they slept together. But I was open to it because I trust her. We also just had a baby. They grew up together, were close all their lives. Well, I. The only thing I'm surprised about is when you said, she's getting back in touch with him. What's. Where's the need there? Like, this is the thing, J.D. like, if this is the hill she wants to die on. So he lives in New York and we live in San. What's SC, SC. So it's not even like he's down the street. Right. So how. How close are they realistically going to be? And you guys just had a baby. So what? My. My honest question is, why is this as important as it is, right? It's not like they're in the same place. It's not like they've been hanging out all over the years, and this is just an extension of that. And you've come along, and now it's like she's. Like, this has been platonic for many years, and we're just hanging out as we've always done. And by the way, jd, I want you to come with me when we do hang out. Right? Does she involve you in that? Because it's one thing if it's like, I've had a friend for many, many years. It has been a long, long, many years since there was ever anything sexual there. We have been friends over the years, and we. You know, when we're together, I'm. I'm. I want you to come with us because in the same way that does she. Is she okay with the same. The other way around? I wonder. But that's a. That's a different question. I want you to be involved like I want you to. It. It's not just my friend. We can all hang out together. There's nothing for you to be concerned about here, right? That's one thing. But if she wasn't in touch with him, and now she's getting in touch with him, and they don't even live in the same place, so really this is just a phone relationship. I have to question why she isn't putting you first. And maybe she's not putting you first because you haven't really been clear that this is something that does affect you. And maybe she's already put you on guard by saying that in the past, people have had a problem with this, and I didn't like that. And in that way, she's kind of preempted you saying something and put you on edge in a way that means you feel like you don't get to have your own feelings about it because you're afraid to be like other people. But you're allowed to have your own feelings about this, right? You're allowed forget what any of her exes did. You're not her exes. Right? You might be a far better guy than anyone she's ever dated. You're not her exes. But for you or woman. I don't know, jd, if you're a guy or a woman, you tell me. But you may be a far better person than anyone she's ever dated. You still get to have Your own independent feelings about this situation. All right, I'm going to keep going. Again, talk with her. If you can't have a reasonable conversation about this where she hears you and says, like you, jd, you don't get to pull the. Doesn't sound like you're this person anyway. It sounds like you're on the right side of this. But of course, we don't get to pull the no card. Our entire lives with our partner, we can't be that person. But we are allowed to have these conversations. And if you're the number one priority to her, then she should actually be thinking about that instead of asking you to be the person who's actually like jd. Here's my view. If she's being a great teammate to you, you shouldn't have to put your foot down about this. She should hear the fact, given that she's already saying, if you have a problem with it, tell me. She probably already knows you have a problem with it, because otherwise, why would she say that she already knows? So if she already knows, why isn't her default response this, I don't want to make my partner feel this uncomfortable. Why is it that her default response is, you have to tell me no, otherwise I'm going to keep doing something that makes you feel uncomfortable? That would be my take on it. And I would say that I. That's. If you're being really honest with her. I'd say, in a way, that's what hurts the most about this situation. If you were saying, I'm your priority, and you know it makes you uncomfortable. So I'm not going to do it because it's not worth it to me to make you uncomfortable. If she was saying that, you might even be someone who says, you know what? That's the most comfortable you've made me. It's all good. You. That might be your reaction if she said that, but I think part of your hurt is that right now, her response isn't, this is. This is making you feel uncomfortable. I'm not going to do it. Her response is, you have to tell me no in order for me to stop doing it. And that puts you in a really shitty position, doesn't it? All right, who here enjoyed that answer? Who here feels like they got something out of that for their situation or their relationship? Let me know. And, jd, let me know if that helped you as well. I hope it did. Jd. Yes. All right. Amazing. Thanks. Thanks, jd. Thanks for asking the question. I know that's a hard question to ask, and it's Vulnerable. So I really appreciate you sharing it with us. Also, an important reminder that this is, you know, I, it's so interesting to me how many times people sit and listen to my stuff and they're like, oh, this just, you know, this, this is all aimed at women. This is. These issues are universal. These issues are universal. You know, I, I get approached by men on the street all the time who are watching this stuff. Shout out. If you're a guy and you're watching right now, leave a comment, say me so that we can actually see the guys out there. But I get approached by guys all the time out there in the street who are watching this stuff and benefiting from it. Yeah, it's everybody, doesn't matter. Gay, straight, by whoever you are, you're going to benefit from this because this is universal. All right, let's see. Before I forget, I'm gonna keep saying it because a lot of you are gonna miss it if I don't keep saying it. The free training that I did last week, which was a 90 minute training, is here. Lovelifereplay.com and it is only available until tomorrow, Wednesday at midnight. If you're enjoying this, this is nothing there. I go deep. I, I have a flip chart. I, you know, I'm drawing, I'm taking you through a whole training. For anyone who really wants a relationship, this is like essential watching. It's some of my best insights on how to get a relationship in 2024, 2025 for anyone who is taking that part of their life really seriously. So go check that out. Lovelifereplay.com and if you're on Facebook or Instagram, comment the word replay and you can go and watch it right now. I'll send you. All right, very good. Tik Tok. I said I would give you some love. I didn't give you any love yet. Let me answer a question on Tik Tok. Rebecca says, what do you do about your significant other's parents when they are overbearing? You don't do anything. That's your partner's job. Okay? It's not your job to manage your, the bad behavior of your partner's parents. That is their job. Your job is to communicate with your partner the ways in which their overbearing parents are affecting you and your happiness in the relationship. That's your job. And your partner's job is to understand that their job isn't just to keep their parents happy. Their job is to realize that there is a new person in their life that that person either already is or one day will be considered family. And so their chosen family is someone who has to be considered just as much and oftentimes more than the family that raised them. I don't say, I say that as someone who's ridiculously close to my family. Anyone who knows me knows that family is massively important to me. Right? I'm so close to my family. I do so much for family. I'm, you know, from you, you're not finding in me someone who's like, ah, when you find someone you love, ditch a family and go, go make them. I'm not like that. But you still have to recognize that you've taken on family and that if you want to keep the unit happy, then that unit has a voice that has to be considered. And you can't, it can't be the case that the parents are the squeaky wheel that always get their needs met because they are the squeaky wheel and you're the quiet one who goes along with it. So you're. The amount you're doing to sacrifice, sacrifice gets taken for granted. And the fact that your needs don't get met gets taken for granted, or the fact that you're claustrophobic in this four way relationship is driving you crazy. You have to have a voice, but that starts with you. If you've been being too quiet about that and by the way, be compassionate about it, talk to them. Say, I understand there's a complicated dynamic with you and your family that must have been very hard for you growing up. You know, I know that your parents demand a lot. I know that they ask a lot. I know that they put a lot of pressure on your shoulders. I can see that that has an impact on you. That can't be easy. And I'm sure that that's had an impact on you for your whole life because your parents didn't start being that way yesterday. So I'm so cognizant of the fact that it's not just me who feels this pressure, it's you. Right? Because you're the one they're putting the pressure on. And I want to be there for you. I want to be a teammate for you in that. And I even want to help take some of that pressure off your hands because, you know, you now have a partner in this. You're not alone in dealing with the pressure that your parents put on you or the ways that they ask a lot of you. You actually do have a partner in that now. You have a champion and you have someone who can help Ease the burden of that. So I'm there with you. I'm in your corner. I support your relationship with your parents. I support how important they are to you. I support how important you are to them. I'm here for all of it. But as your teammate, I also deserve to be supported. And what would help me to feel more supported is X. And I can't say what that is for you. You have to know what that is for yourself. But is it more time just with them without the parents being around? Is it times when their parents are being overbearing and your partner learns to say no to their parents or not yet to their parents or I can't do that right now to their parents or we're going to go our own way on this. We, you know, me and my partner have a. We've made a decision on this, and this is more important to us. I respect what you're saying, but we're going to go in this direction. What is it that's going to make you feel supported? If you simultaneously show that you're a champion of those relationships, that you are helping him ease the burden of that parental relationship, but at the same time, you have a standard for what you need in order to be that great teammate, you'll be like this. This is, this is a great example. I'm so happy this came up. This is where standards go from just being standards and standards protect us. But this is where standards go from just being standards to being standards with relational intelligence. Remember what I said earlier? Standards protect you. Relational intelligence gets results. This your partner? Let's just say it's a he. He could have dated someone in the past who had a standard about this and says, I can't take your relationship with your parents and how close you all are and how overbearing they are, and enough, I'm out. Right? And that could have broke them up. That person had a standard, and that's great for them that they had a standard, but they didn't necessarily have relational intelligence. Relational intelligence is, I have a standard that says, I, I'm going to advocate for my needs and I'm not going to stay anywhere long term where I can't get my needs met. But relational intelligence, at least in this situation, says, I am going to be a champion for you and I'm going to show you that actually if you meet my needs, you'll never have have a better teammate than me. If you take my needs seriously, you'll never have a better teammate than me. And you'd be as you'd be an idiot to let me go. Because if your relationship with your parents really matters, you'll never find a better teammate than me. You're just going to find people who you can either walk all over and if that's what you want, go for it. That's never going to be me or you're going to be with someone who or people who keep leaving you because of these relationships with your parents. If you want a self respecting person who's also an amazing champion of these relationships you care about, that's me. But my love doesn't come free. My love comes from you taking my needs as seriously as I'm going to take yours. Does that make sense? Put your just say yes in the comments. If that's like someone just had a breakthrough about how they could approach something or you're looking at that going that makes total sense. How standards alone don't guarantee that you're going to find love or keep love. But standards plus relational intelligence, that's what keeps that's what makes someone commit to you for life. That's the difference. Super happy with this. Live like this is. I'm happy with the ground we have covered. If you want to hear more examples of what happens when standard meets relational standards meet relational intelligence, go check out the the webinar. I did the free training lovelifereplay.com because I talk all about it there in much more detail and I apply it through the lens of someone who is looking for commitment in their love life. So if you're looking for commitment right now, whether you're single and struggling to meet people who are ready or emotionally available, or whether you are seeing someone and it's flatlining and it's not graduating to the place that you want it to, whether that place is exclusivity, marriage, a family, then come and join me in this free training while it's still available. This could easily have been a program that I sold. I didn't do that. I made it for free. But it's only available until Midnight Wednesday. So lovelifereplay.com is the link. Go check it out and if you're on Instagram or Facebook, comment the word replay and I'll send it to you. But I'm so happy. I'm so happy we did this. I really, really appreciate you being here today. I feel like we covered a lot of different ground here. So tell me before you go. Let me know what was your favorite moment from this live? What was the thing that helped you the most? Even just One comment, like, what was the thing that helped you the most from today? Like, even if it's just one, one phrase, one word, one idea, what was the thing that helped you the most? Salma says on Tick Tock, is this live or a recording? It's live. Selma smile says the protection part. Crystal says what to say to a partner. The wording there is Teresa, standards. You should open more live. I should do more lives here. Matt says D on Tick Tock. I feel like I've done a few in the last week, but relational intelligence says Mahala. My love doesn't come free, says A. Tusa. Yeah, Darcy. Lacking relational intelligence. That is exactly it. Relational intelligence says Anika on Facebook. Awesome. All right, that's, that's great, guys. Really, really appreciate the feedback. Well, look, enjoy the session that I did. Enjoy the training. And don't forget, take that link lovelifereplay.com and take a moment to think about anyone in your life that that could also help. Who here do you feel needs to understand more about how to have standards and how to develop relational intelligence? Remember, standards equals protection. Relational intelligence equals impact. And if we want to live a more full life, if we want to make the most of our lives, we can't just have standards. We have to make an impact. And we do that through relational intelligence. If there's anyone in your life that you know could benefit from knowing how to do more of those things in addition to yourself, then send that link to them. Lovelifereplay.com Especially if they're looking for a long term relationship right now. I know it's hard out there, guys. I know that dating can suck today. I know that there's a lot of toxicity. I know that there's a lot of bad behavior. I know that there's a lot of people who just don't, you know, want to commit or seem like they're emotionally immature or unavailable or manipulative. I get it. I know all the stuff you're dealing with. I hear about it 100 times a day. I've been doing this for 17 years. I get it. I promise you there's a better way. If you want to find love, there is a better way. So come join me. Come watch the training. Lovelifereplay.com can't wait to hear what you think. And by the way, at the end of that session, I also make you guys an invitation that is super exciting. And it's again only available until midnight on Wednesday. So if you want to go one step beyond watching a free training with me, and you're like, matt, I'd actually like to make you my coach for this area of my life. There is actually a way that you can do that. So and the way the invitation I've put together for you is something that is very, very unique and it's a amazing time to take me up on it. You'll see why when you watch it. But lovelifereplay.com is that link. I'll see you there. Thank you so much for watching everyone. I really appreciate you. I appreciate all the love and this community in general, I think so stands out on the Internet as an extremely loving and positive and kind community. So thank you for that. I couldn't do that on my own. That's because of you guys and the energy you bring. All right. Sending you all so much love. Have a great day and I can't wait to hear what you think of the training.