Matthew Hussey examines whether long-distance relationships are worth it, introducing the concept of "cognitive distance" – idealizing a partner simply because they're far away. He argues that without a concrete plan to eventually live together, the relationship becomes a perpetual holiday arrangement. He pushes listeners to ask themselves if they're settling out of laziness or fear.
Chapters
Earlier this week, I asked you, our audience, what you thought about long distance relationships. What I've learned from long distance relationships is that you're not always satisfied and you miss out on a lot. I mean, the hardest part of it all is trying to be there without actually being there. Think again. Really, because it sucks when you can't reach your man. It doesn't necessarily mean that he's naked somewhere with somebody else. Not necessary. I think long distance is really rewarding when people are doing it correctly and both investing equal amounts of effort and sending a lot of nudes, in my opinion, I call them geographically undesirable relationships. Geographically undesirable relationships. I think that in today's world we are more likely to get into a long distance relationship than maybe we have ever been before. Many of us are meeting people on online dating, social media, dating apps which give us access to people that are not simply within our local area. Then there's the mobility of us. These days. We travel, we work in all different places, many of us move cities several times in our lifetime. So we're more likely to begin something that then turns out to be long distance because they move or we move. My big question for today is, are long distance relationships worth it? Now, you may respond to this. Well, Matt, that just depends on how much you really like the person. But how much can you trust how much you think you like the person? There is a term that Jameson, in his infinite wisdom came up with that I think perfectly describes the trap many of us fall into when the person we're attracted to lives far away. Cognitive distance, cognitive dissonance. Liking someone more because they're far away whilst being blinded to their negative qualities and the problems the relationship would present if you were actually together every day instead of sharing intermittent honeymoons. And of course, this notion of putting a premium on a relationship simply because you can't have it, because there's a barrier doesn't just apply to distance, it applies to any barrier. Think Romeo and Juliet. How much can Juliet really trust? How much she likes Romeo, did she really like him because they had the most amazing rapport and connection? Or was it the case that she thought he's a nice lad and then when she heard he's also part of the wrong gang and you can't have him, she can't have him. We'll see about that. And why is it so important to assess how grounded in reality your feelings for a person really are? Because in a long distance relationship you are playing with a resource that is impossibly finite your time. They've been plane rides away and it really just feels like you. You only know them for two weeks when you've been dating a year and so much time invested, you can fritter away months or years in a long distance relationship that never pans out. And the reality of a long distance relationship is they're incredibly easy to slip into. You start talking to someone, you flirt, you realize that you find them charming, that you want to speak to them more, that you enjoy telling them about your day. And before you know it, what started as harmless and fun leads to an exclusive relationship where you are now committed to somebody that you can rarely, if ever have sex with. And I know that sounds abrupt. Why did I jump to sex so specifically all of a sudden? Because what separates a deep friendship from an intimate relationship? Intimacy. What I've learned from a previous long distance relationship is that intimacy is not a matter of proximity. Okay, so some of our audience might argue that intimacy can be created from afar. But this is where I think it's so important to follow those sage words, that ultimate philosophical advice, know thyself. You have to know how important physical intimacy is to you going in. If, like me, physical intimacy is so important to you, it's something you need on a regular basis in your relationship, then you know going into a long distance relationship is something that will be its own form of torture for you, which makes it so important to. That if you get into one and you know it's that important to you that you actually have a plan to be together. A long distance relationship is figuring things out for a means to an end. Do you guys like each other enough for one of you to move to be with the other person? Yes. Jonathan, do you like each other enough for one of you to move to actually be with the other person? Not, we're doing Skype calls because it's fun and we miss each other. And when are we going to do our next holiday? You can't live for a holiday. You have to live for real life. And real life is, is someone committed enough to make the investment to actually leave where they are to be with you, or vice versa? If that's not going to happen, or it's not going to happen anytime soon, you may want to seriously consider whether an exclusive, committed relationship with this person is worth it. I'm not saying that if you meet the love of your life, you should just throw it out of the window because they're not, as Amanda puts it, geographically desirable. What I am saying is be honest with yourself? Are you being lazy? Are you just comfortable getting your fix at night, talking to someone who you like talking to about your day instead of going out there and taking a risk to meet someone new? Do you have a scarcity mindset that there's no. No one who's going to come along on your doorstep so that you have to go for this person who's miles away? And is there an actual plan? Because if there's not, no matter how perfect you think you are for each other, neither of you are really taking the relationship seriously. Ladies, gentlemen. Jonathan. I will see you soon, Sam.
