Men And Intimacy: What You Need To Know

Like, you guys are highly emotional creatures too, and you crave connection just like we do. It's just you, you've been conditioned to be told that you're not allowed to express those things.

What's up, everybody?

I hope you're well today. I have a really interesting conversation lined up right now taken from one of our Love Life Club guests, Candice Horback, the host of the Chatting with Candice podcast, a mother, an entrepreneur and former ad entertainment performer. This is a really interesting conversation about trust in relationships, about jealousy, about the male mind, about finding a relationship that works for you. I think a lot of people are going to love this conversation. If you want, the full 1 hour and 20 minute conversation is inside the Love Life Club and you can become a member by going to joinlovelife.com for now, enjoy this snippet of the conversation with Candace Hallbeck.

Are there insights that you have gained about men that have surprised you? Because I feel that, you know, a lot of women, when I say certain things about men, they're almost, there's almost a level of shock. Like really, like, I don't. Men really are like that or they really think that or they're capable of that kind of thought or feeling or emotion. What for you have been unique or surprising insights that you've had about men along the way.

Oh, that makes me so sad. But I know, I know that you're telling the truth with that because I think men are wonderful. And so many of us write that entire sex off and we kind of like put this pejorative on the word man or what it is to be masculine or all of it's, it's bad or they're incapable of connection and emoting, which is nuts. It's almost something that it's like this crazy eight pattern. We want them to be vulnerable and express their emotions, but then when they do, we're like, well, that's not masculine. Or somehow you're not right for experiencing those things. Like, it's actually about me. And then they shut down and they don't express the emotion. And then here we go in this, in this crazy eight pattern, right? So I would say the thing that I've learned that was really surprising to me is I get a ton of fan mail, like actual snail mail. I get a ton of DMS and emails and people write in all of the time. And I can't tell you how many men are just like craving some kind of connection. Like, it's not. And I don't know if this makes it Better or worse For a lot of women that are, like, on the fence about porn or, like, very decided that it's wrong or very decided that it's cheating. But a lot of these men just. They'll come to me and they'll say, I've been married for 20 years, 40 years, and my wife will not look at me. She won't touch me. There's. And I'm not talking just sex, just, like, actual intimacy. She doesn't ask me about my day. And if she does, she doesn't really care. She. If I am in a place where I'm vulnerable, she'll tell me that I'm. Can I curse? I don't know if I can curse or not.

Yeah, you can cuss.

Yeah. Like, if. Like, I'm just acting like a pussy. All of these things, like, we, like, tear men down. So I would say, like, the biggest thing is they're highly emotion. Like, you guys are highly emotional creatures, too, and you crave connection just like we do. It's just you. You've been conditioned to be told that you're not allowed to express those things, or somehow it's at odds with your masculinity. And funny enough, just tweeted this. Last night, my son was on his iPad on YouTube, kids, which I hate. And we're trying to work through that because you're not in control of what pops up. So this video came up with this dad chasing his son around with a big poster board that said no. So his son would do something, he'd be like, no, no. And, you know, this was, like, the theme of the thing. Eventually the kid fell on the playground and started crying, and he puts up his sign, and he goes, no, crying is bad. No crying. You have to be strong. And I stopped it. I grabbed his iPad. I go, we need to talk about something really quick. So I paused it. I was like, I'm going to block this channel and this video. I'm going to tell you why. And I pointed to the dad, and I was like, he's wrong. I was like, what he just said is wrong. Crying is fine. You are allowed to cry. And sometimes it takes a lot of strength to cry so you can be strong and cry. And he just looked at me and softened, and he's like, okay, mama. And we blocked it. And he actually, like, brought it up later on in the night because he started crying. And he's like. And I was like, your brother's sleeping. He's like, I'm crying. And I'm like, okay, you're allowed to cry. I can't tell him not to cry right now after all that. So I'd like hurry up to his bedroom so he didn't wake up the baby. But you know, like those little moments can have such a huge impact on who he shows up to be as a man. And we don't think so, but there's so many conversations or like even side conversations or things that we're consuming at such a young age that really tells paint the framework for that voice in our head later in adulthood. So I think it's not to write men off and it's to again create a safe space where they can be vulnerable and share emotions and don't let that be a turn off to you. If anything, like when my husband cries, which is so new, like we've like cracked something open in him, I am just like, I turn into mush and I'm just like, I love this man so much. Like I love this man so much. And I am so honored to be someone that he can trust to do this with.

So beautiful. For women who find themselves with a guy that they would describe as avoidant, what do you think are some practical ways or what have you found to be some practical ways of, of getting a person like that to actually open up, to share more and to do it consistently so it's not just a one time thing.

So they've done this exercise in making people fall in love with each other. They wanted to see if it was something that you could replicate and it turns out you can, at least based off of this study. So it, it's, it's framed as a bunch of questions kind of volleying back and forth. So they start really superficial and light, but each time it gets a little bit deeper and a little bit more real. And then the person responds and their question again, it's like it's exponential.

It's like it's like 34 questions or 24 or something, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So by the end of it, you're asking deepest, darkest secrets, like just questions that really require you to kind of show your underbelly to the person. And by the end of it, they did have the ner. The neurochemistry of falling in love with this perfect stranger. So I think again, modeling is kind of like the theme of the conversation. If that's what you want and you want to kind of, you really want a trusting, solid relationship, something that's real is. Is modeling it. So if you're trying to kind of like pull certain threads, you can like, well, there was this time where I felt this way, right? And just kind of experience share and even if they don't open up right then they'll probably come back later when they feel more comfortable and, and then do it. So I don't know what book I was reading, but they were saying especially with, with boys it's really important for them to kind of have one on one time with their fathers because if the mom like asks them a question, she can like, you know, go off and if they don't answer right away and just like write it off like, okay, like I guess it didn't bother him. Getting bullied didn't bother him. Not getting picked for dodgeball didn't. Didn't bother him. But if he's with his dad in like a, in a space that's not like time's not a require, like a barrier, right? Like he can kind of just sit there and be present. Eventually that kid is going to open up and then you kind of be like, you know, I actually felt this way. So it's not putting a clock on it either. So don't assume it's not working. So model the behavior, give them time to process it. Another cool exercise, but it might be like way too hippie, especially if they're already avoidant is eye gazing. Like that can be super powerful. And what you'll realize is maybe you're married for 10 years and then you do this eye gazing exercise and you can look it up online. You put the timer on and it's silence. And it's just you and your partner, like super close, just staring into each other's eyes and you're like, whoa, this is really uncomfortable. And you have to be like, why is this uncomfortable? Like, this has been my husband or this has been my wife for however long or we've been dating for how long? Like, how come this level of intimacy is too much? And then you'll kind of see where you can kind of fortify that relationship. And so many times people will start, start crying or they'll start like remembering certain emotions or things that had bothered them or just connect on a really deep level. It's super.

You know, I have had moments where I'm in front of the mirror and I've just been like, I'm just going to do this with myself for a couple of minutes and just like I gaze with myself. And it's so interesting because you can notice that you're not even fully comfortable with that moment with your. It's like it's a weird feeling, almost like embarrassment, when no one's even there.

Mm.

And if you think that you can have that on your own, then you can certainly have it with somebody who you share a house with, because you can have it with yourself. You can literally have not had intimacy with yourself in any real way, have not connected to yourself as a human being in any real way in a long time. You've just done the equivalent of what so many people do in a marriage. Just kept yourself endlessly distracted so that you don't actually have to spend any time with yourself, just as people do with a partner.

Thank you so much for watching. I hope you enjoyed that. And thank you to Candice. Check out Candice's podcast. Chatting with Candice and if you haven't already joined the Love Life Club, it really is the place to be if.

You want to find love.

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