Men And Sex: What You Need To Know (feat. Lewis Howes)... (Matthew Hussey, Get The Guy)

So I'm here with my man, Lewis Howes, the writer of the brand new.

Book, the Mask of Masculinity.

Thank you for coming, Lewis.

Good to see you, man.

Your new book is so relevant to our audience because it is about understanding the male brain and the different masks that men wear when they are covering up their true, complex, authentic, emotional selves.

Yes. And when we can understand the masks that men are wearing, then we can actually connect to them at the deepest level. and have more powerful, meaningful relationships. And that's what it's all about.

And in the book, you talk about nine different masks. And I'll let people go to the book to read all about those, 'cause I want you to understand all of these. There's one in particular that I read, the sexual mask, that I wanna talk about in today's video. You talk about something beginning in early adolescence in the way that men come to relate to sex and women. Tell us about that.

It depends what time we're talking about. If we're in school and the guys are always talking about their girls they're hooking up with, they become the cool guy. They become the guy that's like desired by the other guys. Guys want to hear the stories. It's like now you're accepted in the guy group and the more stories you can tell us, the cooler you become. So you're telling, you're essentially saying, okay, the more I hook up with girls or have these stories that I can tell my guy friends, the more I'm accepted, the more I fit in. The more they think I'm a real man. Oh, and so it feeds that, you know.

So your ego becomes tied to, whether it's sex or whether it's just being, you know, good with girls at this stage.

Exactly.

Oh, I got her to kiss me. I got this. I got her number. Whatever it is.

I remember the moment that I became, I was shy with girls from a young age, so that was always the case. But I remember the moment that shyness turned into genuine male insecurity.

When was that?

So in England, at least in the school I was in, you have like prep school, which for me was like seven till eleven. And you had like main school, where it was eleven till eighteen. And prep school, in my school, was all boys. So we didn't even think about girls. It wasn't even a thing. It was how good were you at.

Football or soccer, you know, what were you good at?

Math class or whatever.

Yeah, or were you strong or whatever. It was this, that stuff. When we were about to go into the main school, where it was High school. High school. Where it was girls and boys. I remember there was an open day where all the kids from my class went to see the high school.

And so it was the first time.

We were walking around in this open day, had girls there too. And you saw the girls you were gonna be with the next year. And so the boys were like seeing the girls walking around and everything. And the next day we were back in our class in you know, the younger school, 'cause we hadn't left yet. And I remember a couple of the, like, cool kids in class saying they were making bets on who was gonna get with that, you know, they'd obviously picked out the hot one, the one that they thought was like, oh, she's the gem we're gonna talk to. A bunch of, you know, 10-year-olds making bets.

Crazy.

Who's gonna like, who's gonna get the bird first? Whatever gets with me. Get a kiss at that age. I remember instantly thinking, Oh my god, this is a new, there's a new competition. And I didn't even, I wasn't even prepared for it. I just thought, oh my god, next year where there's gonna be girls. And should I be thinking about who I'm gonna get with? As a 10 year old, I'm now worried about what's happening here. And it wasn't even a worry, you know when something's not an insecurity to you, and then someone says it.

It becomes one.

You're like, wait, what?

You know, one of the reasons why men put on the sexual mask and feel the need to conquer every woman that comes through their passing days is because some at some times, this is not every guy that has this process, but sometimes the process is I was in a relationship and the girl broke my heart. Never again am I going to fully give my heart to a woman to feel vulnerable and intimate. I'm gonna let them desire me so much that they want me, but then I'm gonna let them go and I'm gonna Leave before it gets too close. Why do they constantly say, come here and then push you away? There might be something underneath that that they were hurt in a relationship or hurt from their parents or hurt where they feel like when they gave their heart to someone, when they express themselves vulnerably, it wasn't received the way you express yourself, it wasn't received.

So do you think that's a different.

Thing from say the kind of, the ego-driven thing where a guy is like, I need the next conquest and the next conquest and the next one. I think they're connected.

I think it could be a combination. I think there could be lots of different reasons why men feel that way. I think it could be to fit in, to be cool with other guys. They were hurt by a girl. They were abandoned or maybe they didn't feel the love when they were growing up. It's where they put their self-worth in general.

Well, and I think because a lot of guys have never achieved that self-worth. The dangerous thing that I think happens a lot in life, I see a kind of trend where there's a lot of men who don't get to a place where they really feel like they're getting attraction from women the way they like until their 30s, maybe older, until they made a little money, their business is starting to actually take off, they feel like they're in a secure position in their jobs, and all of a sudden, maybe because they've got a little.

More status and a little more confidence.

Or whatever, they all of a sudden start getting some attention from women. And there's that feeling, that the ego that says, well, you know, the jock.

Got this in high school. I never got this.

I deserve this now.

I deserve it now. And God forbid they be in a relationship already when they start to get that attention, or God forbid they've actually met a woman they really like, but they find out they can't bring themselves to commit.

Because I never had mine.

Yeah.

I've been thinking about this conversation since I had it with Lewis and for anyone who enjoyed this I'm going to be doing a full hour with Lewis in the Fast Track Members area so stay tuned for that. But I've been thinking about the sexual mask and how destructive it is for women who date men who are wearing the sexual mask. And ladies, you can tell this guy a mile off. This is the guy who constantly needs female attention and validation wherever he can get it. This is the guy who validates himself on how many sexual encounters or adventures he's been on. This is the guy who constantly glorifies bachelor life, whose idols are Don Draper and Leonardo DiCaprio from the Wolf of Wall Street, and not people who are in committed and meaningful relationships. You can spot this man, and I'm here to tell you it is not your job to remove a man's sexual mask, to change him. These things can start young. You know, we don't blame children for.

So many of the belief systems they take on.

Many young boys grow up in a toxic environment where their worth as a man is linked to their ability to attract women. And not all of that is their fault. But as they become men, it is not your responsibility to change that belief system for them. The best way you can change the world, change men, and serve yourself at the same time is to say yes to emotionally mature men who know what they want and feel excited about the idea of a meaningful connection. That's how you can change the game. because when you start saying yes to a more mature, healthy kind of a guy, the guy wearing the sexual mask will look at that example and say, ah, that's what she's attracted to. If I want her, I have to be more of that. But as long as you are ignoring this guy and saying yes to this guy, all he's learning is that this behavior works, that it is rewarded. Say no to the wrong men quicker. Start giving your time to men who deserve it. And if you enjoyed the conversation I had with Lewis and you want to learn more about the masks of masculinity, check out Lewis's book. I read it in a few days and really enjoyed it. It teaches you a lot about the male mind and the way men operate. And as always, I will see you in next Sunday's video.