In this February 2024 podcast episode, Matthew AI and his co‑host Audrey explore why many men feel resentment toward women whose dating preferences shift as they age. They argue that the frustration stems not from women changing, but from men clinging to youthful value systems that prize superficial traits like status, looks, and aggression. As women mature, they increasingly value kindness, partnership, and inner strength, which can make men feel like a "second‑best" option. Matthew reframes this mindset, suggesting that when a woman’s values evolve, the man who aligns with those mature qualities is actually the primary choice, not a fallback. The conversation emphasizes personal growth: men should move beyond the "bad‑boy" archetype, develop qualities such as resilience, compassion, discipline, and curiosity, and seek partners who have also outgrown superficial expectations. Matthew shares personal anecdotes of feeling discarded, offers empathy to listeners, and encourages men to accept themselves, look for women who have similarly evolved, and ultimately find authentic, mutually supportive relationships. The episode concludes with a call to action to email feedback, pre‑order his upcoming book, and a reminder to love life regardless of current struggles.
Chapters
Now, I want to say something about this idea that people get, you know, women get to a certain age and then they all of a sudden want a nice guy who they, you know, I suppose the idea is that they're going to walk all over them and they'll leave them for the first alpha guy they can find after that. There are no doubt women who never grow out of that behavior. I know women who never grow out of that behavior. I've coached women who clearly have not grown out of that behavior. But there are other women who.
Grow.
Up and realize that the things that they were once attracted to are no longer serving them. And by the way, that's not a female thing. That's a human thing. Give me a guy who wasn't attracted to some of the wrong things at 21.
Right?
Or who isn't still attracted to a lot of the wrong things now.
Right?
The. There is. It's a human thing at a certain age to be attracted to the wrong things because we don't know any better. and partly culture's playing a role in what we think we're supposed to find attractive and who we think is the most desirable and so on. But at a certain point in life, a lot of women get to a place where they go, this isn't working for me. I don't want this. I want someone who is kind. I want someone who's going to treat me well. I want someone who's an amazing partner. I want someone who's a great teammate. I want someone whose strength comes from inside. not whose strength is about bravado and how aggressive they can be or needs to show strength by how aggressive they can be. I don't value those things. I value something different today.
And.
It'S a strange. It's an interesting and understandable, but still strange instinct that a lot of guys have. to feel like if they're chosen at the point at which this person is making better decisions and valuing more important things, that they are second best, that they are somehow the backup, that they are somehow the person that this woman chose when she was no longer putting up with the awful guys or the guys that, you know, had all the options. the idea that you're second best, I think is the problem. Because there's another way of looking at it altogether, which is that this person got to a stage in their life where they started valuing much more important things. And it turns out you are the much more important things. And that doesn't make you second, it makes you first. It makes it so it means this person has realized the most valuable thing is actually the things that you have to offer, not the things that her less evolved, less wise, less experienced 24 year old self had to offer.
Or.
Thought other people had to offer. If you start thinking like that, it can completely turn that idea around. So in a way, we stay resentful as men if we're still playing the same game as she was when she was making worse choices. If we still, as men, value most highly these qualities of a 21 year old dude at university that we could think we couldn't live up to. And we still think that that's the pinnacle of what it is to be an incredible human being or an attractive male. If you still think that's the most attractive thing, then when someone chooses you, you're gonna think you're second. But if you've graduated from that and you started to think of other things as important, your strength of mind, your resilience, your ability to go and work hard and make things happen for yourself, your ability to be disciplined, the love that you give people, the compassion that you offer people and yourself, the way you treat your family, the way you show up for people you love, the curiosity you have about life, the passion you have for life. If you are valuing other things, then when someone starts to value you, you don't say, oh, you must be downgrading now. You say, oh, you're finally ready to upgrade. You're finally seeing what's really important. You're valuing the same things that I value in myself. and in other people, you don't feel second best, and therefore you don't have the resentment that I'm only being chosen because you couldn't get that bad boy that you really wanted. Because that's the kind of thought that will make you hate everybody. So I want to talk more about this in coming weeks and months, but I think there's something really interesting in this idea that We're mad at people for a mindset we ourselves have held on to for a value system that we've never grown out of. Which is why we think that no one else ever has either, that they're just settling for us. There's undoubtedly in her lifetime Audrey will have been with people that were that kind of a person. And for me to look back on that history and go, oh, but what does that mean about me? Does that mean I'm not that kind of person? Does that mean it's absurd? The things that I value about me today are the things that Audrey has grown to value in her life, because she's an incredible human being. who has, as anyone who grows does, adjusted and adapted and evolved her version of what is valuable, of what is attractive. And lucky for me, that's me. It's me as I am today. Why on earth would I ever want to compete with someone the 21-year-old Audrey was attracted to? that doesn't share my value system or any of the things that I think are important about what it is to be a man, what it is to be an attractive human, what it is to be a great partner. This is the mistake. And if you, as a guy, you know, I think one thing that happens for a lot of guys is they're so busy trying to fix this. feeling they have by chasing after or focusing on the kinds of women that never grow out of it. Because if you want to keep confirming this story, you'll keep finding women who are only after guys that are successful, who are only after guys with money, that are only after guys who look a certain way, that are looking for a very superficial or one-dimensional version of what it is to be a man. Because they, those women, haven't grown out of that, or they haven't healed, or they're still fixated on this thing that they couldn't get when they were 15 or 18 or 22. And so they're never out of that cycle. And if you keep looking for that person, you'll keep finding them and they will keep rejecting you because that's what those people do. But you'll never see this enormous group of women who are so unbelievably great who don't think like that, who don't operate like that. And, you know, having spent not just 15 years with women in a professional capacity, but being close to women in my life, it's so strange to me the way that that women get othered. Because if you spend enough time with awesome women, you. You really do come to the conclusion that, oh, these are just me in a woman's body. The idea that this is a different being from a different planet, and they. It's. It becomes farcical. I'm not someone who says there are zero differences between men and women, but the closer I get to women, the more I'm like, oh, my God, we're not. we're really not that different at all. And actually, some of the things that I dislike in you are really the things I dislike in myself. And we're not really different.
So.
Let'S see how people respond to this episode. I'm curious what you think. If you're a man listening to this, know that I have no judgment. towards you for any of the struggles that you have and the feelings of resentment that you have, because I understand them. I really do. I've been the guy who lost themselves trying to please someone. I've been the guy that sacrificed too much, and then it didn't pay off anyway, and someone else was chosen, and that person wasn't me. You know, I've been through all of that. I've experienced all of that, and it's the most painful thing in the world. But.
I.
Feel so, so deeply, deeply lucky to have found someone that.
I.
Just felt completely accepted with. And if you're a guy listening to this, I so badly want that for you, too. And I know that ultimately the only way that you can reliably get there and hopefully, like me, you can get there with the help of somebody. But regardless, the only way that you can reliably get there is by looking for people who don't fit the mold that you've created in the people that have hurt you in the past, looking for people who are give you a different experience of what a woman is like. and learning to accept yourself more in the process. Anyway, email me podcast@matthewhassi.com let me know what you thought of this episode and where you'd like me to take it. And if you haven't pre-ordered a copy of the new book, go to love life book.com and pre-order a copy right now because I think you'll love it regardless of your gender. Thanks for listening to the podcast. And remember, whatever is going on for you right now, Love, life.
