MOST ATTRACTIVE Strategy For Dealing With INSECURITIES | Matthew Hussey

Hello, everyone. We're back for another video. Last week we talked about red flags. Did you watch it? It was a video that struck a nerve with people. Anytime we talk about red flags, it always seems to strike a nerve with people. I think it's because it, it. We really have that pain of looking back on past relationships where there were early signs that perhaps we should have paid more attention to. but didn't. And in retrospect, we think, my God, if I'd have just been more aware that that was a red flag, or if I'd just been more in tune with myself and my needs, then I would have said something about that. Lily on YouTube says, I grew up in a very abusive and turbulent home and for years attracted very mean and selfish men. I'm in my mid-40s and I've learned to protect myself by doing something that absolutely works. I ask myself, would you let someone treat your child that way? Would you let someone talk to your child that way? Now, I don't have any children, but I imagine that if I did, I'd be very protective of them. And I have become my own parent in a way, the kind of parent I never had. And I watch out for myself now. It's been a game changer. I mean, that is fantastic, Jameson. We could do an entire video just on that comment. Luke says, as someone who works in DV and SA, I think y'all missed one of the more obvious but also scarier red flags moving too fast. I think that's a really interesting point. I have said for many years when someone gets really radically into you very quickly, and they seem to be taking you down a path faster than is organic to how much you know each other. That can be a little unnerving and something to watch out for, because is it grounded in something real or are they just projecting, or are they just someone who deeply loves the drama and the high of falling in love, but isn't going to be able to sustain that when the real work of a relationship and investing in you begins. And then there was a comment on Instagram from someone who said, my newest red flag is men that won't eat onions. So obviously very, very diverse opinions. Thank you for those comments. They're informative and really elegant and articulately put. I was watching the video myself and I thought, there is a criticism I could make of this video that I wanna answer. So this, what's coming up is me responding to a criticism I have of last week's video, but I think you're really gonna love it because it goes deeper and it expands on one of the concepts in last week's video. Before we jump to that, big announcement time. Many of you know that the most popular thing that we have done in my organization in the last 18 months is the virtual retreat. So many of you missed out on it the last time. It was a massive, massive success. We changed 1300 lives, which was a record for us on the virtual retreat. We've never had more people, but word has gotten around and people are raving about this program. So a lot of people were really upset that they missed it. But we have just announced the dates for our next virtual retreat. It's happening from March the 18th to the 20th, 2022. And for the month of November, it is the best price you're going to get between now and the event. There is a significant discount on the ticket price for this event, and it's only available for the month of November. And I'll say this also, I don't think this is just something to do now from a price point of view. I also think it's something to do now from a motivation point of view. I know that when I book something in my diary that is going to be a big achievement once I've done it, something that's going to get me a lot of growth by doing it, it allows me to relax a little more today because I know that there is something coming up that's scheduled, that's set in stone, that is going to guarantee my growth in the year. To get your special early bird ticket, go to mHVirtuAlretreat.com and you'll find all of the details there as well. All right, now to the main topic of today. Are your insecurities jeopardizing a potentially good relationship? Now, this came out of a video that we just released in the last week. Where I talked about people who bring, you know, we want to be with a partner. You were talking about red flags, right?

It was all about red flags, which is a hot topic on the internet right now. People are posting all those memes, what's a red flag? What's a warning sign? People are really looking out for those flags right now.

And we said, you know, one of the red flags is when we're in a relationship with somebody or we're seeing somebody who, when we bring something up that is making us unhappy, They make us feel ashamed of it, or they make us feel embarrassed for even saying it, or they suddenly make us feel like we're not secure in the relationship because we've now brought this up. And the fear of that is, of course, what stops us bringing things up. We get very afraid if I bring this thing up, am I going to lose my power? And as I was watching that video back in the last couple of days, I thought to myself, if I wanted to critique this video, if I was looking to say, well, actually, what Matthew Hussey is saying here is quite dangerous. Here's what I'd say. I'd say, yeah, but what about when you're with someone who keeps bringing this thing up that they're insecure about over and over again, and what they're bringing up Isn't valid. What they're bringing up is, is, you know, for example, rooted in a jealousy that's not rational. And they keep making my life hell over it. Is it really incumbent on me to continue to placate them, to continue to understand or show compassion at a certain point? Isn't it on them? to stop bringing this to me because it's not a fair thing to bring to me.

Right.

And there are plenty of examples of this. You could have the example of, you know, a guy or a woman getting jealous when their partner goes out with their friends. And maybe it has nothing to do with whether that person's doing anything wrong. It's just that they have insecurity around that. Or maybe it's to do with our partner working. and we get insecure that they're not contacting us enough when they're working or that they're not, you know, our, our, we're not being reassured that they're still thinking about us. We feel like we're with someone who works very hard and we would like to be texting during the day and hearing from them, but we're not hearing from them. It might be.

I'm quite a bad during the day texter.

Right.

Now, again, we fall into this. the situation where in a relationship someone could call you out and say, I need that more from you and you can say, but that's not me. So if someone kept bringing that up with you, at what point should they change versus you be understanding about it? So we have lots of different scenarios that this can take place in, but I'd love to talk kind of from both points of view. When you're with someone who keeps bringing up something that is unreasonable or that you think is unreasonable, at what point do you say, it's no longer on me to be understanding. You keep bringing up the same thing, which is unfounded or unfair or to do with your demons, not mine. I suppose in a way what we're asking is, is there a point where too much vulnerability can occur. Is there a point where vulnerability gets worn out?

Yeah.

I mean, that, and that's, it's tricky, right? Because you wanna, people see the ideal of a relationship as I can say what I really feel, and maybe I do feel insecure a lot. And that's, that's the truth of what I'm feeling right now. But you also know every time, like you say, if your default mode is I feel insecure, I feel threatened, you know that eventually will push someone away. They will be exhausted by that. And so is the answer that you look for someone as secure or insecure as you, or is it on you to suck it up a bit? and say, I've got to figure this out because this can't be nice for someone to always hear that I am feeling threatened or feeling, you know, they didn't text me for half an hour and I feel abandoned and scared. And who's. Who's the onus on here? Because like you say, the vulnerability thing has been very emphasized and has probably been good to that where it's been emphasized in the culture more, but. When does vulnerability become like you are just smothering me with your stuff and I don't need to deal with that all the time?

Well, I think that we have to start from the place of saying what a lot of people call vulnerability is not vulnerability. In other words, if I said to you, Steve, you don't text enough and you know, It's because you're not thinking of me and because you are, you know, everything else is more important than me. And, and, you know, it's really hard to be in a relationship with someone who just isn't communicative. That's not vulnerability. What I've really done there is made you wrong about a lot of stuff. I've judged your level of communication. I've made an assertion, a statement, that I'm not important to you and everything else in your life is more important to you. Right.

You've interpreted all my actions negatively.

And judged you. Exactly. And done it from an angry place with a tone. This is not vulnerability. Underneath all of that is vulnerability. But this is not vulnerability. This is brandishing our weapons. This is, I brought my weapons out here. I brought my weapons to the party. I didn't bring my wounds to the party. I didn't bring my vulnerability because vulnerability would be actually telling you what I was feeling, how I was feeling, not necessarily judging you for your actions, but explaining how I'm feeling. and what I'm scared about or what's making me sad. In other words, vulnerability is about us. It's not about judging somebody else. Yeah, but let's that, you know, we have all sorts of programs that can help people with that, but let's just step out for a moment. Let's say someone is bringing it. in a, in a vulnerable way. Let's some say someone is coming to you and saying, this is how it's making me feel. And, you know, I'm struggling, I'm sad, I'm upset.

Yeah, they're just, they're being honest about insecurities.

Yeah.

Let's say they are doing that. Well, there's still potentially a point at which that starts to wear thin in the video that we just released, which I would encourage everyone to go and check out. It's on all of our feeds or you can actually go and watch it on the blog, on the brand new howtogeettheguy.com website, which we should say.

Give that click. Give that baby a click.

We have a brand new website for you to check out howtogeettheguy.com if you put forward slash blog, you'll go and see that video on the brand new blog. But in that video, I call this dumping. that there's vulnerability and there's dumping. Vulnerability becomes dumping when we restate the same vulnerability over and over and over and over again without actually doing anything about it. So I don't just tell you, I'm not feeling sexy right now. I'm just going through a bit of a phase where I don't feel sexy. It's telling you that five times a day and expecting you to make me feel better every single time I say it now. I'm not taking responsibility for my feelings. I'm making you responsible for my feelings. I'm saying it's your job to make me feel better every time I feel bad. That's no longer vulnerability. That's abdicating responsibility. I'm dumping my responsibility for how I feel onto you. Yep. And that's what starts to hurt relationships. Look, you raised an important point. Should we just find someone who kind of is the same as us in some way?

Like they're same level of confidence or lack of confidence.

Right. But by the way, that doesn't really save us. All that means is we're both going to be complaining to each other about the same things all the time. It doesn't save us from having to deal with these issues. It just means I'm going to be bringing you a lot of these issues, and you're going to be bringing me a lot of these issues. That doesn't cancel each other. They don't cancel each other out where you go, oh, well, we're both super insecure about this, so neither of us suffer. No, what it means is we're in a situation where both of us, you know, if it's jealousy, for example, it just means we're now in a relationship.

Where both of us get really jealous all the time.

Or we're both scared that the other's going to dump us.

Exactly.

So That doesn't solve the problem. What I believe is not that we have to find someone who is, you know, you have to find out someone who's chilled out in all the ways you're chilled out, you know, find someone with all the same confidence as you. Of course that helps. Being with someone who has lots and lots of issues about lots of different things, is, is more work than somebody who's figured out a lot already.

Yeah.

In their own.

It's just more comfortable in themselves and.

Exactly. But there's always in a relationship going to be things that come up.

And.

I, I, I'm a big believer in something coming up is important when something comes up it, the moment somebody expresses a vulnerability about something they're insecure about, something that's affected them, something that's worrying them. That can actually be a really beautiful moment, especially early on in a relationship, because it builds trust. Because you, you, what you're saying is, hey, I'm making, I'm, I'm sort of, I'm, I'm showing my neck first. You know what I mean? Like, I'm showing you that I can. I trust you with these feelings. And when I do that, it's like laying my weapons down. I'm inviting you to do the same. Yeah. So that, that not only breeds trust, it, it gives you a license.

Yeah.

To show your vulnerability.

And by the way, some people have been burnt doing that, which is why some people will be listening to this going, I've said it before and someone's shown they're really turned off by my insecurity.

Well. listen, that's why it's called vulnerability. It doesn't, it's, it's not vulnerability if you don't expose yourself in boxing. Every time you throw, you can't throw a punch in boxing without opening yourself up to a punch. This is very important. You cannot throw a punch without opening yourself up to. Because every, if you stand there with your guard up all the time, then you're protected. But then you can't win. You can't win. like you're not boxing. Yeah. Anytime you throw a punch, you expose yourself. You're making yourself vulnerable, right? The same is true in a relationship. Anytime you show a vulnerability, you are honest about your feelings, you are honest about who you are, you're exposing yourself.

But some people, specifically even men, might be like, I'm not doing that shit because I know what happens if I go and expose something I'm feeling and it gets rejected, that's a turn off for them. I've started a chain of events where they're going to get less attracted, I'm on the back foot, why would I even bother exposing myself? Why would I even bother being honest?

I think this is a really important subject to talk about with men in general because it is true, men are told to be vulnerable and you know, I'm a big fan of Brene Brown and her work, but I think that it's, it's a, there's an extra hurdle for men to overcome in that work. That I am being told that being vulnerable is a good thing, but I also am, I live in a world where sometimes I feel like being vulnerable is is actually the opposite of what a woman wants. That if I am vulnerable, she's going to find me less manly, less attractive, less in control, less bold, less confident, and she's going to suddenly, I've devalued myself in relation to other men who seem infallible.

Yeah.

And he might be this confident guy in loads of areas, but he's like, I show a chink in the armor, I show a weakness here, it's going to get pounced on.

Now, the truth is, what that means is if someone pounces on your weakness in that way. Again, providing that weakness isn't your go to every day. That's what we'll come on to. But if you show vulnerability, which is not the same as even it doesn't necessarily mean showing weakness, it's just being honest about times where you don't feel, you know, as secure or when you're feeling something that has hurt you or when you're feeling sad, you're struggling. if you show that to someone and they pounce or they leverage that against you, then you're not with an emotionally mature person in a relationship. You're not with an emotionally mature woman in a relationship. You kind of, even as a man, you have to say, that's a. That's a big red flag. If the first time I show that I'm not, you know, this perfect superhero of a human being, this person can't handle that. then I'm with someone who's looking for a kind of man that doesn't exist. And that's a reflection on their in their lack of maturity and their lack of evolution because they've not actually understood. They, they still don't understand men.

Yeah.

So let that person go and continue to look for someone who doesn't exist. This is not someone I want to be in a relationship with. But for men and women alike, repeating a vulnerability over and over and over again, this is what I think is is, I suppose, the crux of what I want to get to with this episode. Repeating a vulnerability over time whilst not taking responsibility for improving it. That to me is what harms a relationship. Initial vulnerability improves the right relationship. Repeated vulnerability over time with no progress, no movement, can damage a good relationship. If you take the example, I don't know, of someone who. Who does get jealous, but they get jealous over irrational things. It's not that you're expecting that that person's going to work that out. and then one day they're never gonna be jealous again. That's unrealistic. And in a way, you know, the right relationship, we should be more compassionate and understanding towards our partner. We shouldn't expect them to just, whatever is the issue, they've just worked out completely and it never returns. That's not a realistic. Yeah. Thing to expect of someone. But in a team and a relationship is a team. of two people in a team, you want to see your partner trying. You want to see the movement that this thing that, you know, you keep getting jealous of this time. Oh, but this time you wanted to get jealous. And I saw that. I saw that you actually decided to.

To try a different approach.

Yeah, you tried a different approach. You didn't bring me that this time. I can see you trying. and trying might be I'm out with my friends and I know you get jealous, so I'm gonna shoot you a message in the middle of the night to tell you I'm thinking of you, or I'm gonna let you know how my night's going because I just know that that will put you at ease. That's my trying. Your trying is that you don't make me feel like I'm doing something wrong simply for spending time with friends or spending time away from you.

Yeah.

It doesn't mean you'll never get jealous again, but it means I can see you trying. That to me builds relationships.

Yeah.

And what we have to ask ourselves, if you're in a relationship with someone who keeps bring they're dumping. They're no longer being vulnerable. They're dumping. They keep bringing you the same thing over and over and over again with no progress. you have to start having a different standard for the progress you accept. You have to remind someone that this isn't about being them being perfect. Imperfect progress is still progress. But if there's no progress, then we have an issue, because now you're not being a good teammate to me. And if you're the person who's dumping, and if, when you're honest with yourself, you say, you know what? I'm no longer being vulnerable. I'm dumping. I keep bringing them the same thing over and over and over again, and with no different approach, with no evolution, we, it doesn't mean we'll never argue about it, but are the arguments getting a little more sophisticated? Are they an argument where it has the echoes of the old issue, but there's movement?

Yeah.

If I'm not having a different kind of argument about this, if it's always the same one, then I'm not taking responsibility for that movement. And I am going to eventually harm the relationship. it is gonna over time hurt the relationship if I don't improve this. I am.

And.

And this is a very important Point, ladies and gentlemen out there. When you feel something as a reflex response with our feelings, Steve, I'm a big believer. We don't choose our feelings. When you feel some. If you. If I say something right now and you feel something. You didn't choose that feeling, did you?

No.

You just felt it. Yeah. It was an immediate feeling you had as a result of something I said. We don't choose our feelings, but we are responsible for what we do with them.

Yeah.

It's almost like that Daniel Kahneman thing of system one brain, system two brain. System one is the animal reactive thing, and in system two is the longer thinking.

Yes. and if you say you can, none of us are responsible for our reflex feelings. But if you abdicate responsibility for them by dumping them on somebody else the whole time, instead of improving your response to those feelings, you're not being a good team player. You're not being a good partner because you're choosing no progress over imperfect progress. And sooner or later, our partner is going to Look at the kind of teammate they have.

Yeah.

And say, I don't know if this is the kind of teammate that I want in my life.

And good partners are not dumb. They, you know, if it's a good partner you have who is mature, people do tend to judge on the averages of things.

That's right.

They don't always judge on single isolated incidents. They notice the averages of your behavior.

Which is why, you know, Anne Lamott, a writer I love, she wrote, All Truth is Paradox. In other words, for every truth, there's a counter-truth. Is it true that being vulnerable should improve the right relationship? Yes. Is it also true that if you're just vulnerable in a relationship, but without improvement ever, that can harm your relationship? Yes. Both things can be true. But what we're looking for is to say, I want a relationship where I can be vulnerable without thinking that me being vulnerable the wrong way once is going to make them dump me. But I also want to make sure that the average of my actions over time paints a picture of someone who's good to be in a relationship with.

Yeah.

I hope you enjoyed that video. If you haven't already, I'd appreciate if you liked the video and subscribed to the channel, hit the like button, hit the subscribe button, leave me a comment. Let me know what you thought below. I want to read more comments. I want to make a habit of reading more of your comments. So I will be reading the comments below. Leave us a comment and I look forward to seeing those. And of course, if you want to come to the virtual retreat, I really hope you will. It is the event of the year and if you like me as a coach, if you resonate with my philosophies on things and you want to take a much deeper, more immersive journey with me, this three-day program is where it's at. I want to go on a bigger journey with you, so I hope you'll join us. Go to mhvirtualretreat.com and I'll see you next week.