One Mindset to Conquer Rejection

Hello, this is Matthew with Love Life. We have a caller on the line today with a very interesting question. Geti, are you there?

Yes, I am.

Talk to me about your question.

Alright, so I read your tweet yesterday about rejection and I agreed with it 100%. But let's be honest, rejection really sucks. So how can I move on from it?

What sucks about rejection?

Well, Just the feeling that you get afterwards, knowing that you weren't the one that that person chose. So just moving on after the grieving process, that's what really, really is petrifying to me.

What was the rejection that you had in mind? Was it someone that rejected you for a relationship? Was it someone that said they weren't attracted to you? What was the rejection?

Someone that rejected me for a relationship. We were really, really close and he decided that he would go and with someone else and they actually ended up getting married. And it was really painful and difficult for me to move on from that. So that's what really stuck on my mind. How do I move on from that? How do I try to get into another relationship? Because at this point, I'm just afraid of allowing somebody so close to me again.

Yeah, it's really hard, isn't it?

Absolutely.

Yeah, it's really hard. I've thought a lot about this. and it's really interesting because there's a, there's almost a fine line between insecurity and narcissism. Insecurity can be where we say, I, no one will ever love me. Narcissism could be everyone has to love me. And I know that those two sound so opposite. But think about it for a moment. Sometimes when we get upset because someone said they didn't want us, and then we say, well, I'm now afraid to go back out there again in case the next person doesn't want me. We can come dangerously close to essentially putting out the message that everyone is supposed to want us. Like if we want somebody, and then that person didn't want us back, Well, now that's gonna turn us off because everyone should have wanted me and the next person might not want me either. Well, the truth is there are many, many, many, many, many, many people who aren't gonna want us. Just as, look, I consider myself to be a good public speaker. I also know that I have a certain audience, that I'm not for everybody, and that there will be certain audiences that will never come to my seminars. It doesn't change how good of a public speaker I am. I would not base how good I am on whether people want to come into my shows or not. There are certain types of people that will come and see me live because they like the work that I do. But just because some people don't like the work that I do, it doesn't mean I'm not a good public speaker. It doesn't mean I don't have good things to say. Do you understand what I mean by that?

Yes, I do.

You have to know that not everyone is your audience.

That is true. I guess my biggest concern is because I've already gone through that process. You know, I've read your books and listened to a lot of your radio sessions. But I guess my biggest concern is the fact that sometimes I just make myself feel unapproachable because I'm afraid of getting hurt again.

Well, so how do you want to live your life?

Carefree, like I've always been. It's just, I'm just fearful of getting rejected again, I guess.

But what are you more fearful of? Getting rejected again or living your life in a cave?

I guess being in a cave.

Isn't that worse if you picture the rest of your life cowering and being afraid and being this person who can't go and talk to people or can't put themselves out there or can't actually go and give people compliments in case she doesn't get one back. Is that an image that excites you for your life?

No, it sounds pretty boring.

It sounds pretty worse, I think. I think if you were honest, you would say it was worse than boring. It's kind of a It's kind of a gross image, isn't it, of your life? This idea that you'll constantly be cowering in a corner while other people go and have fun and talk to each other and have relationships. You're cowering in a corner because of a couple of rejections you've had.

Yeah, you're absolutely right.

You know, that I think is scarier. You tell me, you have to be the expert in your life. You tell me, which is scarier? the possible rejection from another guy or living your whole life as somebody that you don't like?

Well, I would hate being somebody that I don't like. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. So I guess I just have to move on from this funk.

How old are you now?

I'm 25.

25. So here's the thing. Right now, you have the benefit of being an age where it feels like you have all the time in the world.

Right?

And the luxury of feeling like you have all the time in the world is that you feel like you have all the time in the world to waste on bad beliefs and bad ideas and insecurities. And I can guarantee you that people don't feel that when they're about to die. When people are about to die, they don't suddenly freak out about a possible rejection. That's not what's on their mind. What's on their mind is, I wish I was around to be rejected. I wish I was around to have the possibility of someone rejecting me, to have the possibility of feeling something. And I'm not going to be here. And what a tragic, unbearable thought that is. The luxury, and I'm like you, Getty, I'm young enough to have the luxury of thinking I have time to waste. And it's a false luxury because the reality is A, none of us know how much time we have. And B, even if we have as much time as we think we have, it's not nearly as long as we think it is. And it goes so incredibly quickly. And that being the case, make no mistake, you will 10 years from now be 35 and saying, I wasted 10 years. Avoiding situations because of a guy that I made so important that I threw away a decade of my potential on him. How what could be more tragic and frightening than that thought? Now extend it 20 years. Now go to 45. Look back. You've just wasted 20 years of your life on one guy. He wasn't even there anymore. He could. He doesn't even know he has that power. He's not even around. to know he has that power. But guess what? You wasted 20 years of your life on his rejection and thinking about that and allowing it to cripple you over the course of your life. You could keep extending this right the way through your life. But even by 45, this pain would be unbearable to know that you'd let someone control your life in that way. The person that you hurt is yourself. Life is so unbearably short. The biggest waste of life is life wasted on these kinds of negative ideas that stop you doing things. So right now, I know that in your mind, you may be looking forward saying, well, I could carry this belief around with me for a while and hide away and not approach guys and not go for the next relationship because I'm scared of rejection. And Matt, that's really controlling me. And I'm a human being after all. This is controlling me. and I say, okay, fair enough. That's one path you could take. Or you could say, you know what's going to be a really human moment is in 10 years when you feel unbelievable, unbearable, sickening regret because you gave up 10 years of potential. I. You know what I remind myself every time I go out? Every time I go out and I don't talk to anyone and I don't approach someone, I don't. I don't put myself outside my comfort zone because I'm scared. I'm scared that I might approach a woman and she might reject me. I might talk to someone and be embarrassed because she doesn't want to know. She doesn't want to know me. She doesn't want to give me any time. I always remind myself every night I go out and do that. It's like I went out with this amazing, this amazing superpower and didn't use it. and I don't mean that because I'm so great. I just mean that I'm alive, I'm well, I have a lot to offer somebody. And every time I go out and I hold back because I'm afraid I'll get rejected, it's like I had this superpower that I'm just keeping locked away. I'm not even using. And that makes me really sad because I won't always have that superpower. There'll come a time where I don't have it anymore. And I'll look back and I'll go, look how many nights I wasted. with this unbelievable weapon and I didn't even use it. I didn't even use it and I don't want that to happen for you, Geti, and I don't think it needs to happen for you. You could, you have a decision to make. You can hold on to this idea that rejection is the worst thing that can happen to you and you can hold on to it for a long time. I've seen, you know, you're the fortunate one, you're 25. I've got clients who are 40 years your senior. who come to me and they realize they've wasted so much time on those kinds of beliefs. You're lucky because you get to stop it in its tracks now. But if you decide rejection is the scariest thing to you, you'll always avoid guys. If you decide that regret is the scariest thing to you, then you'll go out there and you'll talk to everybody and you'll have an amazing time doing it because you'll know no rejection could be as painful as the regret you will feel later on.

Wow, that was really powerful. I think I'm just going to start, you know, looking at my life a little bit different now because that was a lot, that was very helpful, Matthew, I really do appreciate that.

You're very welcome. Listen, I'll tell you this, Geti, I'm just as afraid of rejection as you are. People think I'm not, you know, people, they think I'm not, they think I go out and I don't have these kinds of thoughts. I'm just as afraid of rejection as you are. But I fear regret more. I fear regret much more.

It's a lot scarier than rejection.

It does.

Rejection is momentarily, but regret is lifetime.

Yep, that's right. That's right. So, Gadi, go out there, have fun, small risks every day. That's all it is. Small risks every day. And always remind yourself that you can sleep at night knowing you tried. But the thing that will keep you up at night is knowing that you didn't even put yourself out there. Thank you, everybody, for listening in. I so appreciate you listening into a show like this and being brave enough to take the advice and go and use it. Most people will never will, but I think we're different here. I think we have a unique little community here of people that really want to go out and try things and put themselves out there. And I appreciate you for that because you give me strength as well and you make me excited about it as well. So, guys, if you want to call in, if you want to have your question answered, call in 844-204-6262-88 that's 844-204-MATT and I will speak to you on the next episode of Love Life.