Simple Ways to Practice Self-Love TODAY (w/ Lisa Bilyeu)

Identify those things that work for us. Because I'm not expecting everyone to go, oh my God, Lisa. Pat on the back works for me too.

We've got to start spanking our own asses. Hey everyone. Welcome to another video. I have today a special guest who joined us in the Love Life Club, Lisa Bilyeu. So many of you know her already. She is a phenomenon both in business and and as a human being. And in this clip we talk about confidence and having healthy relationship goals. I also wanted to let you know that Lisa is running a confidence workshop that you should all go and check out if you want to build on the knowledge that she gives in this video. I will leave a link down here and in the description for this video so that you can find it. But without any further ado, let me present to you Lisa Bilyeu. I have this theory that we kind of, on a conceptual level, we don't really think of ourselves as a person. I think we think of, when we think of ourselves as like, I love people, we think of people. These are people. I'm me. We separate the two and we forget that your people. And it sounds so silly, but if you really say you love people, then you have to also include yourself in people. Yeah, and say, I'm just another person. But actually there's even more of a significance on that, which is that in the same way that someone's kids, you may say you love kids, but you don't have a responsibility for somebody else's kids, that parent has a responsibility to those kids. Right. That's your job. Your job is look after them, reassure them, keep them safe, make them feel great as much as you possibly can, help them build their confidence. That's your job. If you're that parent, so you can love kids, but also acknowledge that that person's kids is much more their responsibility than it is my responsibility. Well, that's true of us like that we're not just a person like everybody else. So if you love people, it stands to reason you should love yourself because you love people. You're also the person most responsible for this person. No one else is responsible for you on the level you are. It's like you got given a person and someone said, no matter what, you don't have to have more people. But no matter what, your job is to take care of this person. And most of us are doing a really shitty job at the one job. It's like, you know that thing, you had one job, you had one job.

You got one job, and you mess it up.

That's the job beyond anything else. That's your job. Take care of that person. You got given that baby. Take care of that baby. And I just think that it's the othering that we do with ourselves because we're used to the idea of othering other people, right? But we other ourselves. We make ourselves a sort of alien presence in the world. And we're the kind of discordant note in the song. Everyone else is doing their thing. Yeah. And we're the clanging alien presence, but we're not. We're part of that.

God, I love that so much. And because of that, I always go back to, oh, well, I don't judge myself for being like that. Right. Or like to not think of myself as the person. Like you said, I just go. It just doesn't serve me. It doesn't serve my goals. It doesn't serve what I'm trying to do in life. It doesn't serve who I want to be, how I want to feel. And so don't judge myself, but come up with tactics. So like the things with you patting yourself on the back where you come back from a date and maybe it was bad. Like all of those are very deliberate things. You have to. I just think through because I don't judge myself for not doing it. But I'm like, okay, well, now's an opportunity to pivot, to change. And like I said before, before, repetition creates habits. You just need to work on creating the habit. And so I love that you said, like, if someone had told me to pat myself on the back, it would have felt really like a bit silly. I'm so with you. And so that's why, like, I love data, I love science. I love like stats and things. And so one of my friends, Vanessa Van Edwards, do you know her? She's cause herself the recovering awkward person. She's a the science of likability, basically. So she kind of does a lot of science on like interaction. She studied like something like 100 Shark Tank videos and assessed what makes a Shark Tank pitch good or not good. And like she really breaks it down. And she did a whole study about interaction with team and like patting each other and like cheering each other on. And it was something crazy. I'm going to make up a stat. But it was this crazy. It was something like 70 or 80% of the football teams. And I'm not a football, a American football, I'm not an American football fan. But apparently they did a whole study and it was like if they noticed if all the teams smack each other, they do the smack on the butt and on the bat. They're 70 to 80% more likely. The team that does it the most in that game is going to win. Isn't that insane?

It's amazing.

Why? Because the pat on the back is giving camaraderie. It's like, I got your back. We're in it together. And so when I heard this stat, it was like, oh, can you do that to yourself? Would it actually work? And I'm just grasping at straws. It's not like I actually know. And so I go, cool, cool, let me try it. And so I want people at home to really, like, think about what that thing is like when they do it to their friend, what feels good or when their friend does it to them. Is it like a little note? Is it a text message? Maybe you need to be your own hype squad, and you need to give yourself a really nice text message before you go on that first date. And then when you switch your phone off so that after the date, when you switch it back on, you've got a message to yourself and you're like, hey, me, I just want to let you know I'm proud of you. Something like that. I don't know. But I do think about, how do we identify those things that work for us? Because I'm not expecting everyone to go, oh, my God, Lisa. Pat on the back works for me too. But thinking outside the box, thinking about what those things are, and then start to put them into actual practice in your daily life, whether you go on a date for the first time, whether you have to show up at a business meeting or you have to show up in front of these lovely people.

And Matthew Hussey, we gotta start spanking our own asses.

Done. I come in, all of a sudden, you guys are just, like, hitting each other on the butt.

Hitting ourselves on the butt. Oh, we all spank our own asses here. It's kind of a thing we. We do in this company in the way of creating a different kind of goal or a different identity around dating. You said flip it, right? So now it's the. Here's what I need in order for this to be worth pursuing, not just what do I need to be. And I think that one of the things can be really helpful, along with what you said, is defining what's actually important to us. If validation is important to us, or if as many people liking us as possible is important to us, or if never being rejected is important to us. Then we're in trouble.

Yes.

In dating, we've got a problem. We're going to take everything personally. We're going to feel like we're failing a lot because a lot of people are going to reject us. If, on the other hand, we say the goal isn't for lots and lots of people to want me, the goal is for me to find a genuinely amazing love, well, then you have to define what an amazing love is to you. Is an amazing love someone just adoring you, or is it. No, I need to feel like. Because someone can really adore you for five minutes. Right. Someone can really adore you for four weeks. Someone can love bomb you and then disappear. If what we value, if we say an amazing love to me is defined by someone who's consistent, by someone who makes me, who leaves me in no doubt as to the fact that they are interested and that they want to continue to pursue something consciously. There's someone that invests in me equally, equally as much as I invest in them. And there's someone that I feel it's genuinely progressing with. You know, we may not always be able to say it's a relationship after four weeks or two months or whatever that's different, depending on the circumstances. But you can say I'm going to define it as a genuine sense of progression.

Yes.

And if I don't feel progression, then it's not the thing. And, and an amazing love to me is also defined by something that lasts, something that can go the distance because everyone, people sit there and they mourn these, these mini relationships that they had with someone for three months or six months or even a year. And what they're really, it's okay to, to kind of grieve that, oh, that thing I really enjoyed is over. But we do more than that. We grieve as if it was supposed to carry on. And that's what gets us into trouble. Because if you define love as a really, really big emotional peak, then you're always going to pine after the greatest connection you ever had. I had this amazing connection with someone. I had this amazing thing with them. You don't understand. It was so great. Someone could be talking about MDMA when they're saying that. Do you know what I mean? You could be talking about ecstasy. Yeah, but we don't think that ecstasy is a good prescription for a great life. Sustainably be a very, very good prescription for a few hours of just blissful, loving feeling, but it's not a prescription for a great life. Yeah, but we describe a Relationship we had as in the same way that we describe ecstasy and go, you don't understand. It was. What we had was so amazing. There are lots of things in life like that, but amazing doesn't mean sustainable. If you define love, if you define what's important in your love life by what the biggest peak was, then you'll always grieve the biggest peak you had, even if it only lasted five minutes.

So true. One of my favorite phrases of all time is this too shall pass. I use it when I'm on my knees and I'm in pain, upset. Like when I failed. I remind myself, hey, this emotion is too shall pass, don't worry. But dude, I also remind it in the most amazing moments and I do it as a beautiful thing. It's not to scare me. It's to say, let this sink in right now because it's so beautiful, but it's not going to stay here. And yet to your point is we think that, and I'm freaking guilty of it as well, is that when something amazing happens, that becomes your baseline and now anything below your baseline is a failure.

Yeah. And it's like, or boring or it's just whatever.

Yes. And so the. One of the most weird things in my relationship with Tom is saying each. There's phases in the relationship. And this too shall pass. That moment, those first, like six months we were long distance, so you can imagine the fiery passion when we were together. It's like, well, 20 years later, if I'm just like, we don't have that fiery passion, well, I guess the relationship's over. Then, like, I've set myself up for disaster. I've gone. That was such an amazing time in our relationship. And now I'm in a different phase. And this too is beautiful. And I want to appreciate right now in this phase we're in, because this phase will now pass. And so I myself remind myself in the happy times so that I can enjoy them and so that I don't set myself up for disaster, where two weeks from now something goes wrong in your business and you're like, oh, my God, I can't believe my life is falling apart.

And I think taking that philosophy and saying what it can mean is I can enjoy this as a kind of peak experience that life offers, but also not put my value, not put the value of life in peak experiences. That's actually not where it's. That's not where it's at. You know, the relationship that is really enjoyable and feels great sustainably, even if it's not like those spikes. This actually, I do kind of just think part of growing up is realizing that life isn't about the peaks. It's about raising the baseline.

Ooh.

And it's not that life won't have any peaks, but you better be fucking careful if you start identifying with those peaks if your book is a best seller. And for a moment you get that like, oh, wow, this is like, this is crazy. It's a bestseller. And you feel yourself inflate with how exciting life is and how the grandiosity of it and the validation and then you know that's not, you know that's not going to last. And you know that anyone who's been on top for a long time doesn't feel it for a long time because the top just becomes. Even the peaks become a new baseline and then they're trying to find a different peak. So as long as we're valuing peaks, we're. We're kind of fucked. And it's the people who date looking for peaks that get themselves in the most trouble.

Yeah.

I hope you enjoyed that. Isn't Lisa incredible? She is not only an incredible entrepreneur, but just someone who is an extraordinary person in her relationships. It's why her relationship with Tom has lasted as long as it has and is as strong as it is. But it's also why she's an incredible person in the lives of everyone that knows her, including myself. So do check out what she has to say at her confidence building workshop. I will leave a link here and in the description. Sign up. And if you want to watch the full extended Lisa Bilyeu conversation I had, come join us in the Love Life Club. It's all in there. As well as an entire hub of content that can serve you in your love life that is only available to members. You can join for a 14 day free trial to the Love Life Club at joinlovelife.com I will see you there. And of course, in next week's video.