Starting Over After Heartbreak

Hello everybody, this is Matthew Hussey with Love Life. We have a caller on the line today. That caller is Christina. Christina, are you there?

Hi Matthew.

Hello lovely, how are you?

I'm doing well, how about yourself?

Yeah, good thank you. I'm very good. What was your question, Christina?

So I just got out of a long-term relationship and I'm just looking for some advice on dating in this new phase of my life. Even though I'm still sort of recovering and mourning that loss and trying to keep a friendship with him a little bit and just sort of how to break out and start fresh.

Do you want to date again?

I do.

As in now or if you were honest, are you still in love with this person?

I think I'm ready to move on.

Okay, because I know you mentioned about the fact that the two of you are still friends. Is there anything about that situation that's worrying you about going out there and dating again that's still linked back to that relationship, as opposed to you just being out there on your own again and trying to make this happen?

Well, it's difficult because he's always still sort of in my sphere and present. So, to really be trying to sort of change gears and move forward, it's hard when he's always sort of there in the background a little bit.

Is that 'cause the two of you, your lives do cross a lot naturally, as in you, you're in the same circles or is it because we are.

In the same circles?

Okay. Is there any way around that right now? Do you have to have as much contact and communication as you do?

No, I've sort of tried to put a damper on that over the last couple months just to take a more natural break from it.

Yeah. Because I think that, I think that in itself is, is truly the hardest part. I think the, the Being in contact with someone makes it extraordinarily difficult to go out there and date again because we still ultimately, I mean, how long were you together for?

Almost five years.

So that's a long time and you're, you know, I'm sure that you're still very connected and, you know, you, despite the fact that you may feel ready to move on, there's still a lot there and every time you speak to that person, it's, you know, the hard part is it can be like reopening a wound every time. Right. And so I think to try and go out and date more people and be in that mindset of fresh starts whilst there's something else still lingering there is extraordinarily difficult. So the first thing I would do is if you can actually limit the communication even more than you are now or just for a time not have this person in your life, I mean, they're not going to go away for good, you're still going to have them as a friend when you come back, but to really limit that now, I think will serve you massively in moving on at this stage. Now, in terms of the dating part, the key thing that has to be avoided, and I believe this of any breakup, is the comparison of the first or second or third or fifth person you meet. to the person you've just been with. Because you weren't together for five years for nothing. You were together for five years because there was something that kept you connected. And even in toxic relationships, there's still something that can connect you to someone, can make you feel like that person was a great friend or someone you wanted to be around. And the big mistake we all make is, You know, the first person we sleep with or the first person we go on a date with, we're immediately making all of these comparisons between that person and everything we've just had. And the moment they don't match up, which let's face it, in the beginning they won't, 'cause how does someone new in your life match up to five years with somebody else, right? It's impossible for that person. As soon as they don't match up, our mind starts playing tricks on us and saying, oh, this is so hard. Maybe that person that I was with was right for me. If only they would change their mind about something. If only I could have them in the way that I wanted to have them. You start over analyzing the situation instead of looking at the bigger picture. The bigger picture, it's not about the one person that you're going to date to begin with, or even the first five people that you're going to date. The bigger picture is about the freedom you now have to go and find what you really want and deserve. And that is the important part and the part that always needs to be kept in perspective, as opposed to the kind of micro view that people take on it, which is, is the next person I'm going to meet going to be the right person? Which always freaks us out and leads to dating burnout because you go on another date, it's crap, you have a bad time, and you go home and you feel immediately you feel exhausted and lonely and isolated. And all of those feelings really do suck, especially when you remember all the good times from your last relationship. So for you right now, yes, the key is to be able to go out and have fun and keep great friends around you. By the way, you need different types of friends. You know, you need you need the friends that are the great wisdom, the people that really sit you down and have great talks with you. But you also need those friends who go out with you and have a great time. And the fun lovers, the people that are gonna be free spirited right now and just, you know, not take everything too seriously and just have fun with you. You need those people around you. So yes, you need those. Yes, you need to go out. Yes, you need to take risks with some people that you find attractive and see what happens. But at the same time, keep it all in perspective and don't let the analyzing part of your brain run away with you in the beginning by trying to create the result too quickly. You're simultaneously trying to nurse that wound at the same time as training other parts of your body to get strong. And. And that in itself can be a really beautiful process and. And one not to be. Not to be shied away from. So I think you're in a beautiful phase of your life, and I mean that. sincerely. I think it's a really beautiful phase of your life. I think it can be tremendously exciting at the same time as it can be tremendously painful. And I think that's okay. And being okay with that is really, really important. There's a, I'll leave you with this. There's this great moment in the movie Lawrence of Arabia where he's burning matches until they get down to his fingertips, and then the flame goes out on his fingertips. and one of the other soldiers looks at him and he says, okay, how'd you do it? How'd you do it? What's the trick? And he says to him, the trick is not minding that it hurts. And I think that's absolutely true of the situation you're in right now. It hurts, it sucks. You're out there trying to recreate and start fresh. And as there is all this excitement, there is also all this pain. The trick isn't avoiding the pain, the trick is just not minding.

I like that a lot.

So I hope, did you feel this was useful?

Yes, definitely.

I'm excited for you. Thank you. I think it's an amazing time. So go enjoy it and look after yourself in the process. Be kind to yourself, all right?

I certainly will. Thanks so much.

All right, thanks for calling in, Christina.

All right, bye-bye.

Bye-bye.