Stop Chasing Your ‘Type’ & Start ATTRACTING Your PERSON

You'Re already looking at what if I don't, what if I'm not enough of XYZ for somebody else? And a lot of that comes down to I haven't really accepted what I like to do in life.

We actually went out to our love life members and asked them to send in their questions, and they did. So we're going to do this every episode, aren't we? We're going to go out to our love life members, get them to send him some questions, and we We're gonna pick some questions to answer live on the show.

Who do we have today?

We have the lovely Karen, and Karen sent in a voice note.

Hey, Matthew, Stephen, and Audrey. So my question is, if my usual type is someone who's similar to me, but also for a bit of balance, someone who complements me, so maybe someone who's outgoing and outdoorsy and sporty, things that I'm not so much of, but should I date them if the things that make them different to me or that balance me out are things that would actually intimidate me? And things that would make me just a bit insecure all the time because I might not be exactly what they're looking for.

Interesting question. I, and that was from Karen. It's an interesting framing that question, Karen, because you didn't say, I happen to think one of the great joys of a relationship is that you introduce each other to new worlds, Sometimes new experiences, new ways of thinking, that can be very beautiful thing. And of course, some aspects of that are easier than others. If you come with a different set of movies that you love, and I get exposed to, you know, French cinema, and I go that that's lovely. Yes. Amazing. That's not something that necessarily challenges me other than to just say yes to something new. There are other qualities someone can have that may well challenge you if they move through a party a little easier than you do, if they are more in touch with their feelings than you are, and that invites you out of yourself or into yourself might be a better way of putting it to have to express yourself more in order to speak that language with a person. If so long as you are willing to go there, that can be one of the greatest experiences you'll ever have. And I think that's part of the magic of a relationship, is that one plus one equals three of it all. You, you expand. as a result, the framing of it, Karen, was, what if it makes me a bit insecure all of the time? And that seems, or that seems to me like a bit of a telltale sign of something not being right, either not being right within ourselves or not being right. in their level of acceptance of us. Because, okay, let's think of some things that could make us a bit insecure all the time. Okay. A not so great one is they're a massive flirt with everyone. And you are equating, instead of saying, I'm an introvert and they're more of an extrovert, which can work in relationships. that's not the same thing as I'm an introvert and they're a massive flirt. That's not a difference that we're necessarily, if we would, there's not a difference that you'd look at and go, I'm the problem because I'm intimidated by this. It's a difference where you go, well, maybe this isn't a reflection of their extroversion. It's a reflection of we have different values. They, I value being really respectful to my partner and a high degree of loyalty in the way I speak to other people, and this person does not. So now you might be feeling a bit insecure all the time, but it's not for reasons that you should shame yourself about. It's because you have different values in that department.

I wonder if Karen, though, potentially meant insecure because they have traits, like, for instance, if they're sporty, It makes her feel bad about herself if she's not sporty, 'cause it highlights something in her.

So that's exactly where I was going, is that if someone is different in a way that's not bad, but it provokes an insecurity in us, that can be a sign of one of two things. It can be firstly on their part, a lack of acceptance. because if we feel like someone is a certain way and they're always trying to change us to be more like that, then we don't feel accepted and we start to feel at risk. Like, if I don't change to become more sporty or more outdoorsy, they're not going to want me anymore. And sometimes that comes from the other person. We notice the ways that, you know, they were initially attracted to us, but now it annoys them. It bugs them that we're not more like them in that department. But I would argue that a sign of a right relationship is one where you can be affectionate and laugh about your differences, not one where you're trying to change the other person to be more like you in that department. So it could come from them that you're feeling insecure. Now, if you say there's nothing they're doing, that is making me feel like they're not having jabs at me for not being more outdoorsy. I just have this deep feeling of I'm not making them happy. I'm not pleasing them. Then we should explore that in ourselves and say, where does this come from for me? Is there a pleaser streak in me? that makes me feel like in order to be liked by this person, I have to do what they want to do all the time. And that I can't just be me. What's the fear there? And by the way, sometimes it's really helpful to communicate that fear to a person. Like, can I share something with you? Sometimes I worry that you're outdoorsy and I'm not, and that that bothers you, but I might be completely wrong about that. But sometimes it's on my mind. And an understanding person will be like, oh my God, I don't need you to be that. That's my thing. And frankly, it's fun for, you know, like that's time where I get to go and hang out with my friends anyway. So I enjoy it. It is a fun thing for me to go and do with my friends. I have people in my life I do that with. I don't need you to be more of that.

Yeah.

If we still feel insecure at the end of that, then we have to say, Okay, so there's a pattern here in me that is constantly feeling uneasy with doing some, with essentially leaning into who I am, that I have some kind, for me, Karen, when I listen to you, what I get a little bit of is a lack of self-acceptance. of the way you are that is like already getting insecure about a relationship that hasn't happened yet. You're already looking at what if I don't, what if I'm not enough of XYZ for somebody else? And a lot of that comes down to, I haven't really accepted what I like to do in life, what I enjoy doing the way I like living. and that lack of self-acceptance then gets reflected in what if I get with someone and their differences make me insecure all the time? Hey, everyone, we're interrupting our own podcast. And when I say we, I mean the entire podcast crew.

Hi.

We were just discussing the biggest problem of dating in these times, and that is the fact that no one seems to want to commit, or at least that's what we hear. If you took the things that we hear from people as the truth, you would believe that commitment no longer exists.

I'm just seeing where it goes.

Let's keep it easy breezy, little squeezy.

Just feel like I haven't really traveled Asia yet. The point is, it seems harder than ever to get someone to commit, but we have something for you. It is called From Casual to Committed, a one hour free masterclass where I give you my most practical advice for how to move something from casual to an actual real relationship. Go to getcommitment.com to watch it right now for free. I'll leave a link. It's getcommitment.com and now off to Bali. Back to the episode.

I think just listening to Karen and I think so many people will relate to this feeling I know I do. When we are out there dating and we're looking for somebody, we're so afraid of being left and rejected and we're so afraid that people will go, oh actually, I see you and you're not quite enough of this or you're not quite enough of that or yeah, I kind of wanted someone who was a bit more like this. But you said this before, which I think is so powerful. People People basically think what you tell them to think about you. And Karen, you know, when you're going into dating and relationships, if you are going in with this kind of almost energy of hedging already from the get-go, going like, oh, what if they think it's not enough that I'm like this? And what if I'm with someone and they're a little bit more successful than me, a bit more sporty than me, a bit more outdoors, whatever it might be? you're already almost kind of telling them what to think of you before they've made up a decision about you. I think of Jesse Itzler and Sarah Blakely because they are like so different as a couple. And Sarah Blakely has so much going on for herself. She's obviously incredibly successful and amazing, but she obviously just has her own interests and has so much that she loves to do. that is completely independent of Jesse. And Jesse has his own interest that he really loves to do. And Jesse has his own thing that he loves to do, and he loves to do all these crazy endurance sports and whatever. And they're completely different in terms of their interest.

For those of you that don't know, like, their Instagram posts couldn't be more different. His idea of a good time is, you know, traveling around the world doing extreme things.

Ultraman.

At Ultraman, like, marathons, ultramarathons and things like this. And his, her version of a good.

Time is like, yeah, or getting a.

Room at a spa for a weekend and eating peanut M M's on the bed. Exactly.

And, but she didn't go into that relationship, I'm assuming, going, oh, what if I'm not sporty enough for Jesse? She kind of went into it going, I'm Sarah Blakely. I'm good. Like, I am who I am and I'm proud of who I am and I'm comfortable with who I am and. like, I think that we should just all Channel that kind of our inner Sarah Blakely when it comes to dating, because, you know, Karen, if you're already going into it unsure that somebody is going to be, is going to think that you're not enough, that's because there's obviously something inside of you that already feels that, you know, you already feel like you're not enough to begin with. And that is, that is a very dangerous thing to be leading with when you're meeting new people, because People are really looking for cues from you on how to, what to think about you.

I definitely remember, you know, you, I used to feel more pressure when dating to conform or less accepting of my own traits. Like, I jokingly call myself an indoor.

Cat because, like, you are an indoor cat.

I like reading, I like movies, I.

Like- you- like falling asleep on our sofa.

I like doing stuff at home. Like, I'm at home. Huh?

You're a big purr-er?

I do purr.

I.

Yeah, I like spending time indoors and like, I do stuff, but it's not, I'm not mountain climbing every weekend. I'm not going and doing extreme things all the time. And I used to feel more like, oh, I might have to pretend to be this guy a bit more because, you know, that might not be someone else's type. and there's a great freedom when you can say, like, you don't even need someone to be exactly that type, but when you can go, if they can accept that, then, like, it's fine. I don't. I don't need to feel like I have to justify it. I don't feel like I have to be someone else. There's someone else for that person who wants mountain climbing every weekend. There's someone else for them. And when you can just kind of embrace that and let it go, it's. very, very freeing. And I do agree that, yeah, there's times when it's good to say yes to the unknown. Like some, some relationships make you a bit more vulnerable because I, it's, this is asking me to grow a bit more or to try something I haven't tried or this person's a bit more adventurous and let's try that. But again, I come back to the relational thing. How do they make you feel about your preferences? How accepting are they of who you are? How much do they try and change you? Those things become more important, I think, than, you know, us always being into the same thing.

If your insecurity is coming from a place of there being, like, the idea of someone being something in a certain area is kind of like triggering something in you that feels like latent potential, feels like something you've been ignoring. Then listen to that too, because it might be that there's something in you that you're shying away from, and you're worried like, you're gonna come into, you're gonna come face to face with someone who highlights a part of you that you wish you had worked on more. And if that's the case, work on it now. Like start thinking about what that thing is. If you, if, let's say you're an introvert and you're much more comfortable at home or doing your own thing or being in small groups. that's fine. But are there ways you feel like you are holding yourself back either socially or in being brave in your confidence that are actually just important for their own sake for you to work on? Because if you do that, you won't, you'll feel like you're fulfilling that part of yourself and you're no longer Someone won't trigger that fear, that insecurity in you because you'll feel like, no, but I am doing it. I may not be doing someone else's version of going out three nights a week and having a full social calendar because I don't need all of that. But maybe I do feel like I'm holding myself back a bit and I'm using my introversion as an excuse to hold myself back. And maybe that's something I need to address now. Because if I'm proud of myself in that area, and I do it in my way, in a way that's right for me, but if I become proud of myself and my progress in that area, when I then come face to face with someone who really embodies that characteristic, my feeling won't be insecurity. It will just be an acknowledgement of, oh, we're different in this department, but I'm proud of myself in this department. we're different, but I'm proud of the me that I am in this department. Not we're different and I'm insecure about the me that I am in this department. So it can also be. It can be an invitation into self-acceptance of the way you are different from certain people and that being okay. But it can also be an invitation into maybe some part of yourself that you're neglecting right now that you're afraid is going to confront you when you're out there dating. people who are either more natural in that area or who have actually already faced that area within themselves. This clip was from our brand new format on the love life podcast. We have a brand new channel for it on YouTube. It is called the love life podcast. I have linked it up below. Go subscribe to that channel right now so that every time we release a new episode, you get notified. We didn't want to crowd out normal channel with the full episode. So we are putting them there. Go subscribe to that and subscribe to this channel while you're at it. We will see you soon. Thank you so much. Bye.