Stopping By To Go LIVE

Hey, everybody. Welcome, welcome. Leave me a comment once you get here so that I know you're here. Hello to all of you who are with me right now. Good to be with you all. We've got this Tick Tock over here or Instagram. Instagram. Can we bring Tick Tock up as well? I'd just love to see the comments there. Hey, Raj, what's going on? Good to see you on YouTube. Hey, Marta on Instagram. Brittany Z, 27 on Instagram. What's going on? Charu. Hello. Pauline Griffiths on Facebook. Hello to you, wf. Hello to you in Miami. Great to see you all. Welcome to another week. Ah, it's good to be here. So nice to be with you all. Thank you to everyone who has bought the book in the last week. We're celebrating all week this week. I'm going to answer questions today. If you have bought your book, make sure that you register your purchase@lovelifebook.com. if you don't, you won't have access to the event we're doing this Saturday. Find your person, which is a multi hour live event I'm doing for everyone. So, so do not miss it. Remember, if you got the book, you have free access to that event that I'm doing this Saturday. So I really don't want you to miss that. Make sure you register your purchase@lovelifebook.com we have literally thousands of people who have the book right now who have not registered yet and you'll miss the event if you're not careful. So I don't want to. I don't want you to miss it. Register@lovelifebook.com and if you haven't got the book yet, you can still, can still get a copy there on that link as well. And if you're on Instagram or Facebook, just literally write the word love life and I'll send you a link to purchase the book so that you can come to the event this Saturday. Patricia, I see you. Thanks for the reminder. I'll register tonight. Very good, Marina. This event is on Saturday. It's a virtual multi hour event that I'm doing to celebrate the book and everyone who's got it. We're going to be doing literally a three hour coaching event today together. So I'm going to see you there as long as you've got the book. All right, very good. Well, let's get started. I want to do some questions today. I want to read you a moment from the book that I think a lot of people are going to relate to. And this relates to one of the biggest reasons why we make decisions that hurt us in our love life. So I'm just going to read this part, then I'll do a couple of questions and I'm going to pin a couple of the questions to the top as we go. But I just want you to read. I want you to hear this part because tell me as you listen to this, if this explains for you some of the decisions you have made along the way in your love life that have hurt you. So here we go. This is from the Chapter number nine, Never Satisfied. And it's under the subtitle why we say yes to People who Are Bad For Us and the first reason we say yes to people who are bad for us is what's called the Scarcity Mindset. The Scarcity Mindset. You arrive at a party with your friends, hoping to meet the kind of person you've been talking about. On the way over, you dance with a few people. Each has something you like, but each is also missing something you need. One is fun, but more of a friend. Another is hot, but you don't connect. The authentic and intriguing one was wearing those shoes While you keep looking, a funny thing happens as your group of friends thins out. Time starts playing tricks. You spot one making her way to the exit with someone she'd been dancing with, but they look as if they'd known each other for ages. Alone and self conscious. You take out your phone and it suddenly feels as if you've stepped into another dimension. The friend who just left with someone has put up a photo of their engagement. Another friend you lost track of hours ago has just posted an ecstatic baby announcement. There's even a post from the hot dance partner you failed to connect with earlier. It turns out they left the party and are now honeymooning in Santorini with their new spouse. You can't believe it. How long have I been here? The room is nearly empty. The music now sounds less like a beat and more like the second hand on a stopwatch. Was I too ruthless in dismissing people? The hot stranger seemed wrong, but someone else didn't think so. Did I judge that connection too harshly? Your breath turns shallow. You stop worrying about finding the perfect partner and instead start looking for someone who can get you out of here before it's too late. How many people relate to the Scarcity mindset? Write a comment right now. Who here relates to the Scarcity Mindset? That feeling of I'm going to be at the party too long and I'm running out of options who here can relate to that? Travel Dippity on YouTube says frightening scene but very relatable for anyone asking right now. This that verse that I just read you, that excerpt was from Love Life, my new book, how to raise your standards, find your person and live happily no matter what. If you're on Instagram or Facebook, you can comment the word love life as one word and I will send you a link to buy it. If you want to go to lovelifebook.com you can also get it there. Megan says, I feel like we can all relate a hundred percent. City Boy 503 on YouTube. Me Gigi on Instagram relates to that. Antonella on Instagram. Yep. Me Andrea or Andrea on TikTok. You can relate. So the problem with the scarcity mindset is that when we're afraid and when we feel like time is is slipping through our fingers and we feel like we're never going to meet someone, we start to get nervous, we start to get scared. And when we get scared and nervous or even panic, what's the most common thing that happens when we start to think that we're going to run out of time or we're never going to find our person? Somebody comment right now. What's the most common thing that happens? And KKZ design says bought the book but did not receive the welcome email. Make sure that you register your purchase@lovelifebook.com using either your receipt, your physical receipt number, or your digital receipt number, depending on where you bought it. As long as you register it@lovelifebook.com you'll get an email with the details. For this Saturday's live event with me, Asmara says we stop choosing Diana on Facebook says you kind of sink into yourself. Michelle on YouTube says you settle for less. Someone else said lower your Magdalena on Instagram, you said I settle. Slash lower standards. That's exactly right. When we are afraid that we're never going to meet someone, we lower our standards. That is the most common response is we settle for less. We lower our standards because we'll do anything to get the result right now. Now what's the danger of lowering your standards? Who here has ever lowered their standards? Put your hand up. If you've ever lowered your standards and accepted less, if you've accepted things you never thought you would accept, if you made peace with things that weren't okay, that really made you unhappy. Who here has ever experienced that? And I see so many of you saying yes right now. This is so common. And when you did that, what was the Outcome. Just follow me with. Follow. Follow this logic with me right now. What was the outcome? L. Rose says, people hurt us, destroy us. Gallbladder healing says unhappy because you betray yourself. Broken heart says Rebecca. Let me hear from Instagram. Jazzy flow says sadness. Rebecca. Disappointment. But why does lowering our standards result in disappointment? Reem, you nailed it. Because when we lower our standards, our value goes down with that person. In fact, it's even worse than that. It's not just that our value goes down with that person. Because, by the way, the right person may come along, or a good person, a secure, healthy person may come along and they may not devalue us as a human being, but they might find that it's hard to connect with someone who's not really being themselves. Because when we lower our standards, we're suddenly being somebody else in order to please someone. We're no longer being honest about our preferences, about the things that are important to us. We are essentially playing a character that is okay with things that we're not really okay with. And so a secure person can often feel, even if not consciously, they can feel that there is something inauthentic about what they're being presented with, or at the very least, they find. Have you ever been around someone who says yes to everything? Or when you ask them what they want, they say, whatever you want, or when you have an opinion, they always agree with you? Or have you ever felt been around someone like that? Isn't it true that after a while you feel like you can't read the person? Like you don't really know what they're into or who they are. You may even start to not trust them. It's one of the weird side effects of people pleasing is that people actually find us hard to trust because they don't ever really know when we're telling the truth or not. Does that make sense? You've been around someone and you think, I can't really. And you don't trust them in the sense that you think. You don't not trust them in the sense that you think they're devious. You just don't really trust that you're ever getting the truth. I know that there are people that will tell me I'm awesome no matter what I do. And when that happens, it's like, well, I can't go to you for an opinion because if I'm really trying to understand what I could do better, I know I'll never get that from you. Does that make sense? It's really hard to fully Trust someone who's like that. So there's. For secure people, when they're around someone who lowers their standards, they'll be put off by the fact that they can't really truly connect to the person because this person's being someone other than the person they are. Now, what does a avoidant person do? Or what does someone who is a bad actor do? Someone who wants to take advantage. What do they do when they come across someone with no standards? Well, in fact, let's just look through them. So what does an anxious person often do when they come across someone with no standards? They take everything they can possibly get in order to feel secure and they run the risk of burning you out. Ever had that? If you have an anxious person who is w. Karen Barbera says, okay, you're not awesome. That's not what I meant, but thank you for the honesty. If you really meant that. What happens with an anxious person when you lower your standards? Well, an anxious person often is doing anything they can in order to feel good and feel safe. And an anxious person might say, you know, if you're with an anxious, a partner who's jealously anxious or anxiously jealous, they may, they may tell you that they don't feel comfortable with you going on that trip with your friends. And they don't feel comfortable you seeing this person. And they don't feel comfortable you, you know, going out looking like that. And they, they may in. And again, they may not be doing it from a malicious place, but if you have no standards and you come across an anxious person, then that anxious person will. Leticia, you said it right. They will take over your life because they're not in that moment. They're just trying to feel good. And they're not doing it maliciously, but they're just trying to, you know, what can I get that's going to make me feel okay? Was all of your love, all of your attention, you being around all the time, you never wearing that outfit, you never going out with these people, you never having any fun without me, because all of it feels like a threat to me. Right? Djam says, that is exactly, exactly what happened to me. This is on Tik Tok. My ex was the anxious one. So if you're with an anxious person and you have no standards, you have no boundaries, that person will consume you. But not necessarily, again, they're not necessarily trying to be, you know, malicious. It's just their anxiety takes over. Now let's go to an avoidant. What might an avoidant do in this situation? Somebody tell me, if you're with someone who's an avoidant and you have no boundaries or no standards, what might someone who's avoidant do in that situation? Excuse me. What might an avoidant do? Gallbladder healing says they might avoid you. They might ghost you. Yep. They might just take care of their own needs by giving themselves all the space in the world by. By, you know, constantly focusing on being with you when they need you. But then when they don't need you, they're giving themselves time and space and energy, never reassuring you, never making you feel loved. So an avoidant person will not care about necessarily meeting any of your needs. If you don't express your needs, you'll end up feeling completely unloved, you'll feel completely overlooked, and you'll feel like you don't get any of your needs met. Megan also says an avoidant person might shut down. Yeah. If you. What's a common avoidant thing that happens when people have an argument? If they're an avoidant, they might shut down. They might freeze you out. They might go cold on you. Right. They might even punish you. You know, you. You're. I feel like you're gonna hurt me. I feel like you. You didn't call me last night, so I'm not going to call you for three days. Right. Even if the reason you didn't call last night was completely innocent, they now freeze you out or want to punish you as a result. How many people have ever had that feeling? Anyone had that happen to them. Who here can relate? The moment someone feels like, you know, you hurt them or there's something you did, they all of a sudden push you all the way over there. They freeze you out, they ignore you. And if we don't have any standards for ourselves, instead of making clear that that wasn't okay for me or that really hurt me when you froze me out. I don't want. I can't. I can't have that behavior in my life where if someone's upset with me, the way they respond is by completely freezing me out. I can't do that. That's too painful. You can't. I can't have you doing that. If you're going to be this close to me. If we're going to be this close, I can't have you doing that. If you have no standards because you're afraid. And again, you're afraid. Why? Because of the scarcity mindset. You're afraid because you feel like, when is the next person going to come around Am I ever going to find someone again? What if this is it? What if this is as good as it gets? Then we don't say what I just said. We just ignore the moment they come back. We're just so grateful they came back after freezing us out for three days that we say, okay, I'm just going to leave it because at least they're back now. Does that make sense? We go from the scarcity mindset. We say, at least they're back now, so we don't actually speak our mind and say, I can't do that. That's not okay, what you just did. Because we're afraid that if we say that, they're going to do it all over again and we're going to lose them again. And we can't afford to lose them, can we? Not from the scarcity mindset. So we make peace. And of course, I'm not talking here just about people. In all of the answers I've given so far, none of those people might have really bad intentions. But they are. They have learned really unhelpful or. Or toxic patterns that do show up as toxic. Don't get me wrong, they do show up as toxic. It doesn't mean these people are evil people, but it means that can. Look, tell me, what do you think? Can toxic patterns show up in relationships with two people who deep down have good intentions? Yes or no? I'll say that again. Can toxic patterns show up in a relationship between two people who deep down have good intentions? Diane says, absolutely. L. Rose. Yes, they can. By the way, have we ever been responsible for certain toxic patterns in a relationship, even though deep down we had good intentions? So it can be unproductive to constantly label people good or bad. What we have to do, instead of going through life labeling people good or bad, we have to realize that it is our job to take ownership of our experience by adopting different standards and different boundaries than we have had in the past. Okay? It's not someone else's job to show up and do everything right. It's our job to own our experience and the culture we want to be part of in. In our love lives and in our relationships. By having boundaries and standards that. By having them make us happier. By having them make us happier. Why? Because they lead to better experiences for us. Now, this is this book I wrote to address not only how to have boundaries and standards and how to speak them. What does that look like? I also wrote it to help people understand what are the mechanisms internally that help us to have boundaries and Standards. Now, one of them, indisputably is Deeper confidence. And that's why I wrote an entire chapter on core confidence. What chapter is that? Does anyone know? I think it's chapter 15. Yeah, chapter 15. Core confidence right there. Core confidence. I wrote that chapter to give people the steps to becoming confident enough to have these boundaries and these standards for anyone. I see you people saying, oh, I need this book, Karen. Oh, I need to buy that. You can buy it right now@lovelifebook.com I'm going to keep reminding everyone. And one of the reasons I'm going to be so avid about reminding you this week is because if you wait until next week to buy this, you will miss out on the one time only live event I am doing this Saturday on the 4th of May. The 4th of May. Write that down in your diary. Right now, by the way, this Saturday, the 4th of May, I am running an event. It's virtual. Emma, you just said, how much is it? It's on me. You get a free ticket so long as you get a copy of the book. So if you go to lovelifebook.com and order a copy right now, and if you go, or if you just, you're on Instagram and Facebook, you just type the word love life into the comments, I'll send you a link. But if you go to lovelifebook.com get a copy and register your purchase. Guys, you have to register your purchase. Otherwise I have nowhere to send the email with the ticket. If you buy this on a bookstore or Amazon, I have no idea who bought it. Unless you enter your information on lovelifebook.com otherwise I have no idea that you got the book. But if you enter your information there, I will send you a free ticket to an event I'm doing this Saturday. And this event is going to be 10am so it's going to be at 10am Pacific time for anyone asking. So that's 1pm New York time. What is that? Is it, is it at 10 or 11am 10am so that's going to be at 6pm UK time or GMT. Guys, let me tell you why you need to be at this event. Because there is so much advice out there right now for people who want to find their person, who want to find love. But what we have created is a holistic approach to finding love. Because you can't just learn one thing. You can't just learn, oh, I'm going to get some flirting tips because, okay, fine, that will get you more opportunities if you flirt more. But it's not going to overcome the deeper wounds that mean you keep lowering your standards because you're afraid you're never going to find anyone. It won't overcome the confidence issues that you have. And you can work on your deeper confidence, but that doesn't necessarily take care of the fact that right now you don't have any habits in your life that bring you into contact with people. There are so many different angles to approach finding love from. And what I have found, I've been doing this for 17 years and I found unfortunately most approaches don't actually look at a holistic way of how do you find love? What would you do if you were trying to create inevitability? And the reason I created this event on May 4th as a, as a moment in time event for everyone who has got a copy of this book is I wanted to answer one fundamental question. And it's an, it's an ambitious question. I said if I was trying to guarantee, make it inevitable that someone found the love they were looking for, created the healthy love that they've always wanted in their life in the next year, what would I do with them? What path would I put them on for the next year? How would I help them? How would I cover all the bases that needed to be covered? And 17 years of doing this have meant that. I have seen this through all lenses. I have seen it through the. I've worked on this through the lens of helping people create more opportunity. I've seen it through the lens of how people get in their own way on a deeper level because of trauma. I've seen this through the lens of how communication goes wrong in early dating that means it never turns into a relationship. How we self sabotage, how we push people away, all the red flags we ignore. I've seen it through the lens of what makes relationships work. I have been able to look at this so many different ways over time that I've come to realize without a holistic approach, it's never, you're never going to find and keep the love that you're looking for. So this Saturday I put together an event that answers the question of what would I do with people if over the next year of their lives, I was responsible for creating an environment where success in this area was inevitable. Now, no one can promise you that you're going to absolutely meet the love of your life in the next year. But as someone who's been doing this for 17 years and I've got half a billion views on my YouTube channel, this is anyone who Knows me, knows I have been consistent in this area. I have not tried to do a hundred different things. I have been consistent about helping people find peace, happiness and love in their love lives. And that amount of time that I've been doing this for has allowed me to see the bigger picture and to step back and see what's going on with people that they are really struggling in this area and they're not getting the love they deserve. And so this event is my answer to that question from my vantage point, which is, which is a unique one. What would I do with people if I was trying to guarantee inevitability in this area, if I was trying to make sure that in the next year they got what they were looking for? And that's what this event is about. And I know this is normally the part where I tell you this event is, you know, an investment financially and so on. It's not. This event is free. So long as you get a copy of the book, that's it. This book, I think is on Amazon for $23 or somewhere between 23 and $30 right now. So for the price of a book, you can come and join me on this virtual event from wherever you are in the world this Saturday, May 4th. Just know you have to register your purchase. Otherwise I have nowhere to send your ticket information to. I have nowhere to send the link to. So just make sure that once you've got it, you can get it from that site as well. Lovelifebook.com or if you're on Instagram and Facebook, literally comment the words love life and I'll send you a link right now. But I'm gonna, I'm gonna make sure that I repeat this many times over the next couple of days because this event isn't getting repeated. This is a once and it's live. This is not a recorded event. This is live. Kate Johnson on YouTube. How do you register the purchase? Go to lovelifebook.com all you need to do is use your receipt number or your order confirmation number if you bought it online and put it in@lovelifebook.com it's super easy. It'll take you 10 seconds and then I will send you the details. The private link for the exclusive event that's going on this Saturday. It's going to be about a three hour event, Emma, just so you know. All right. Writing endeavors. I am there. Great. I'll see you there. It's going to be phenomenal. I can't wait. I'm literally what I was doing all this Morning is just scribbling. You should see my notepad. It looks like some kind of mad professor's notepad where I'm writing down all of the things that I want to achieve with you in the space of time that we're going to be together on Saturday. Anyone who knows me knows the concept of, like, us being together for three hours for free like that is unheard of. You've got to be there afterwards. It's not. This isn't going to be repeated. This is a one. This is a once in a lifetime event. Because for me, I haven't written a book in 10 years. So I'm making the most of this moment of having written a book again and bringing everyone together as a community who has read the book. I want to say thank you and I want to give you something of value you can go into your year with. All right, so with this in mind, why don't we. Let me say one more thing and then I'll do a couple of questions. So I said that in the book there's a whole chapter on confidence, because confidence is one of the ways we can get over the scarcity mindset and start to have standards and boundaries. And. But do you absolutely need confidence in order to set standards and boundaries? Yes or no? Do you absolutely need confidence? Let me know in the comments what you think. Must you have deeper confidence already figured out in order to have boundaries and standards? Yes or no? Some of you have read the book already, so you'll be. You'll be cheating a little bit. So some of you saying yes, some of you saying no. Well, let me tell you, there is a chapter in this book, chapter 10, how to rewire your brain, that explains why deeper confidence isn't absolutely necessary in order to have standards and boundaries. Now why is that? Because one of the greatest ways to have standards and boundaries is to have experienced a lot of pain when we didn't have them. I want to repeat that one of the great ways to have immediate standards and boundaries is to have this visceral feeling of the pain that we experienced when we didn't have them. And this isn't Didisa on Tik Tok. I'm seeing you say fake it till you make it, but I. This isn't even fake it till you make it. This is something else. This is. I'm not talking about something fake here. I'm talking about something very, very real. Who here has experienced extraordinary pain when you didn't have boundaries or standards? Who here has had the. Who here is the Worst pain in your life has come from not having boundaries or standards. Maybe because of a toxic marriage you were in that made your life hell. Or even a six month relationship that just destroyed your confidence or made you feel sick. You felt so shitty all of the time. I remember times where I let my boundaries go, I let my standards go and I was an anxious wreck. How many people have ever experienced that? See how common this is? Whether you're on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok or Facebook right now, the comments are the same. People are speaking about their pain, tremendous pain when they had no standards or boundaries. Now let me ask you all a question. This is really important. Who here got out of a relationship that for a long time you fought for or you held on to like you held on for dear life. You did everything you could to make it work. But the thing that eventually made you say I can't do this any anymore was an intolerable amount of pain that you could no longer continue with. Who here reached a threshold with their pain where you said I have to get out because this is just too painful. So you see how common this is. Andrea, I see you Lucy on Facebook. Sandra. Yes. After a relationship of 15 years, fear Miranda on Instagram. So so many people here got to a point where it was just too painful. So what does that mean? It means that there have already been situations in your life that did not rely on confidence for you to get out or for you to suddenly have a standard. They just relied on you having enough pain. Make sense. There was a sit you probably when you left that relationship. That probably wasn't the peak of your confidence. It was probably the bottom of your confidence. Isn't that true? That moment where you left or where you said I can't do this anymore probably wasn't when you were at the peak of your confidence. In fact, you probably made that difficult decision when you were at the peak of your insecurity or fear or your confidence had been eroded to almost nothing and yet you still left. You still said no more. What does that tell you? That we don't have to wait for confidence to make a hard decision. We don't have to wait for confidence to say no or to say I don't want to do that or to say this isn't right for me or to say you're moving too fast or I don't want to sleep with you yet or I don't like what you did last week when you didn't call me for seven days even though we'd been speaking every day or I didn't like when you got upset with me and then for three days you froze me out or you were really nasty to me as a result. I'm not okay with that. You don't need confidence to do that. What you need is necessity. Necessity. That is what I talk about in chapter 10. Chapter 10. Let me read you this real fast. Chapter 10 is called how to rewire your brain. And when I talk about rewiring your brain, Step one. Let's see if I can find that step one over here. Is make change necessary? Alexis P. Yes, the book is available for purchase right now. It is out. You don't even have to pre order it. You can literally order it and get it immediately. It's available right now both on digital or physical and you can get it@lovelifebook.com if you go to. By the way, I was in my local coffee shop this morning. I saw a person there that I see every single day. They are, they love what I do and they had, I literally told them today the book was out and they were like what? I didn't know. Yes, the book is out. It's out right now. So if you haven't got it, if you're on Instagram or Facebook, comment Love life, Love life comment and I will send you a link or go to lovelifebook.com the book is Love life how to raise your standards, find your person and live happily no matter what. Adele. Yes, it's also available on audiobooks and I, I myself narrated the audiobook. So if you listen to the audiobook it will be me speaking. But guys, the reason to do this right now is because in order to get this Saturday's event you have to have a physical book or a Kindle version. The audio doesn't count for this. But this Saturday's event is a one time only event that every single person who gets a copy of the book and registers their purchase using their receipt number@lovelifebook.com is going to get a free ticket to. Do not miss this. I guarantee you on Monday there are going to be people who bought the book and never registered for the event. They just didn't realize. I'm telling you this as a public service announcement. Many of you have already got the book but you have not registered yet. And if you haven't registered, if you got the book from Amazon and you never registered, I have no idea you got the book. So go to lovelifebook.com and register your purchase using your receipt or your order confirmation number and I will email you then. I know who you are and I know you've got the book. And then I can email you a ticket to the event this Saturday, which is a virtual event. Lena says I have pre ordered and paid and did not get it yet. Well, even if you haven't received the book yet, Lena, most people have who ordered. But if you haven't received it yet, still, you can register your purchase by going to lovelifebook.com because you'll have an email with the order number or the receipt number. You can still register your purchase so that even if you don't get the book delivered before the event, you can still come to the event. But I said to you. What did I just say? We, many of us left a painful situation not because we got confident, but because it was too painful. That gives us a clue as to how we can have better boundaries and standards. Right now what we need is to connect to the pain of when we haven't followed our boundaries, when we haven't stuck to our standards. What did it do to our lives? What did it do to our confidence? How did it make us feel? So in order to have boundaries and standards, we want to work on our self worth. Don't get me wrong. And when you get a copy of this book, there are entire chapters that transform your self worth. But even before that, step one of rewiring our brain for standards and boundaries, which is an entire chapter on this book. Chapter 10, how to rewire your brain. Step one is make change necessary. Let me read you this. The beginning of change is not belief, it's necessity. Once we've learned from experience that we can't keep doing what we're doing now, doing something new and different becomes necessary. As Plato put it, our need will be the real creator. Unfortunately, a clear grasp of such need only comes when we connect to the true, true pain and ultimate cost of continuing to do what we are doing now. By the way, this is true in all of life. I know that there were times when I in business had more of a scarcity mindset and in times where I had a more of a scarcity mindset, that was when I made decisions that brought me pain in business. Who here can relate to that in careers? Who here has ever taken on a part of your job or created a situation in your work, in your career, in your business, or with a member of staff or with a teammate that you only did. You only said yes to that opportunity or that situation because you were coming from a place of scarcity and you really lived to regret it. Do you know how a lot of businesses up their brand is because they say yes to things out of scarcity that aren't good for their brand long term? How many people are in business and you understand that concept that you can say yes to things that because you're afraid in the short term that when's the next opportunity going to come but it makes you say yes to something that long term hurt your brand, maybe your personal brand or maybe your company when that happens. And by the way for a couple of you Nirali said I Matthew, I didn't get the link to the event I already registered. If you already registered and you didn't get the link email support calm and we'll get you taken care of. Okay, I don't know why that is. Maybe your the email went to your junk folder or something like that, but email support@MatthewHussey.com and we'll make sure we get you sorted out. Okay? So say in in or in companies or in business saying yes to something that is from a place of scarcity often is what hurts our brand long term was saying yes to things or people or situations that we said yes to out of a scarcity mindset. Maybe we slept with someone because we that's what they wanted to do. We weren't ready for it, we didn't really want to in that moment or we felt like it's a bit too fast for us. But we did that because they wanted to and because we were worried we were going to lose them if we didn't. I had someone I know someone I worked with went on a date feeling really really sick because in her mind she was worried that there were this guy was so sought after and so eligible that if she waited until she felt well she might lose him. Early in dating she went on a date feeling ill, feeling miserable because not taking care of herself, not putting her needs first because she was afraid that this guy was so attractive that if she missed her chance she wouldn't get another one. But all we communicate there is we're not we don't care about our needs, we don't care enough about ourselves. So we make decisions all the time that hurt our love lives long term that make it so that we're not respected. Long term someone doesn't feel they need to give us a relationship long term someone doesn't feel they need to show up for us even though we do everything for them. Someone doesn't ever experience needing to be thoughtful for us because we never Ask for it. And we do it thinking that we're getting ahead in the short term. But actually what we do is put ourselves behind in the long term. So this Saturday, guys, I am going to be showing you a pro, an approach that gets you the deep, lasting love that you want. Long term. Love that's built on a sturdy foundation, love that actually meets your needs, love that actually is, creates an environment for you to be happy and at peace. I'm going to be showing you how to do that this Saturday in this event. That's what we're going to be doing together. And again, guys, this isn't an event that you have to invest in to come. This is an event that all you have to do is get a copy of this book and register it. My new book, which on its own is gonna make a huge difference to your life, your confidence, your. Your love life and your happiness. But all you have to do is get a copy of this book, which most of you, if not all of you are going to want to do anyway at some point. This isn't, this is going to be a. I guarantee you, for anyone who's interested in my work, this is going to be a book that you're going to get. No matter what, it's going to happen. But if you wait until after this week, you're not going to get access to the event that I'm doing this weekend. And that's a one time only event. This is a one, this is like, this is like someone coming to your town who you really want to see and they're only coming through for one night and they're not coming back. This is that kind of an event. It's not happening again. It is just a moment in time celebration of something that I've been working on for four and a half years and it's been 10 years since my last book. So we're going big on this. Who here has, who here has already got the book and you've registered for the event? Leave me a comment right now. Nikki Jordan, 65 on TikTok. I see you're going to get the book now. Great. If you're on TikTok or YouTube, go to lovelifebook.com you can get it there. And you can also write. The nice thing is on that site you can both order the book and you can register for the event this Saturday, all on that page. The event is a virtual event for those of you asking. So you can do it from wherever you are in the world. Mary, I know you're Good. Tanya, you're in. I love it. Real Leverage Solutions. You've got the book and you've registered. Amazing. Jennifer Garland. You got five copies. I love it. Thank you, Jen. Appreciate you, friend. Crewmelt G on Instagram, I have the book and registered. Amazing. If you've got the book and you haven't registered, register now so that you can put it in your diary and you know it's there and you don't. I've missed events before where I've just not been organized enough to put them in my diary and then I'm heartbroken afterwards. I don't want that for anyone here watching me right now. All right, let's go. Let's. Jamie Hicks on Facebook. I'm so happy you're coming. That's great, Louisa. I'll see you there. Crewmel on Instagram says, what time is the live seminar on Saturday? The live seminar is at 10:00am Pacific Time, which is 1:00pm Eastern Time. 6:00pm, I believe, GMT. Amazing. All right, let's just do one question, Jeremy. What? Maybe we'll do one or two. Let's see how fast we go. Let's pull up a question right now. All right. Sarah says how to reduce that performance oriented approach. When dating, I tend to be anxious. Our default is professionalism. Last chat felt interviewee, he was tearful at one point, then deflected the topic back to me. Look, when we're anxious, we're more concerned with whether we're putting a foot wrong than we are with whether we're making an impact. Let me repeat that. When we're anxious, we are more concerned with whether we're putting a foot wrong than we are with making an impact. When we're in a confident state or when we're in a state of, you know, wanting to actually go and create something, or, you know, when we're in a creative, playful state, we're going in to make an impact. And impact is what makes someone leave a date and go, I want to see this person again. Right? No one. Who here has ever wanted a second date with someone because they didn't do anything wrong? Who here has ever got off a date and your friend called you and said, are you going to see them again? And you said, you know, I think I am. They didn't say anything wrong. They didn't do anything wrong. No one says that. You go, I want to see that person again. I had the best time. I want to see that person again. They were so interesting. I want to see that person again. There was a Passion about them that was really infectious. You say, I want to see that person again. They were sexy. I want to say, you don't say, they didn't do anything wrong. So I guess I'll see them again. Right. So it's anxiety makes us afraid to put a foot wrong. And if I came to this live right now. We've been live now for the last 50 minutes. If I came to this live and I was, like, I said to myself, here are all the ways I don't want to put a foot wrong. I'd be so focused on not putting a foot wrong that I wouldn't say anything of interest. Right. For this person. Who is it that said that? What was the question from. Let's leave the question up on the screen. If we can. Do we still have it. Amazing. Sarah. So, Sarah, you're. Yeah. So when we're anxious, what we do is, is it's no wonder you interview when you're anxious, because when you interview, it's like, I can't say anything wrong. I'm just getting you to talk. But when you're looking to make an impact, at some point you need to make an impact, right? At some point, you can make an impact by asking beautiful questions. You can make an impact by being really curious about someone else. But at the end of the day, if that's all you do, they're going to know. You're going to know them and they're going to feel like a very interesting person to you, but they're not necessarily going to know anything about you. So if we get out of anxiety and we say, I need to. This isn't. This isn't. There's a great phrase about life. I forget who said it, but it's for all your days prepare and meet them ever alike. When you're the anvil bear. When you're the hammer strike. How many people know what an anvil is? An anvil, is that. What's an anvil made out of? Is it iron? So an anvil is made out of iron, and it's what they beat weapons against to get them into shape. The anvil doesn't break, Right. So the anvil is a good metaphor for just being strong. But you don't want to just be the anvil in life. You also want to be the hammer on a date. Sometimes you have to be the hammer, right? When you're the anvil bear. When you're the hammer strike. Sometimes you have to be the hammer. Ask yourself, are you just always the anvil? Are you always Just like, you know, you're just sitting there and you're strong and you can take it all, but you're never the hammer. You're never actually making the impact. You have to be the hammer sometimes. And the hammer is like, you have a great story or you have a moment where someone asks you what your passion is, and you're like, oh, I know, I, you know, I want to tell you this thing about my life or I want to tell you this thing I'm into. You can't be in anxiety mode when you do that again. If I showed up to this full of anxiety and I didn't actually think about making an impact, then I'd just be trying to not put a foot wrong. I'm okay with putting a foot wrong because if I make enough impact, you know what, I can make a lot of mistakes and get away with them. Make sense. If I show up here and I'm like, I just, I have a message I want to make an impact with. I have something I want to say. I got onto this live and I was like, I have something that I want to say. When it comes to why we lower our standards, and it's really, really important. This is an important thing I want to say. When you know, it's important when you know on you, like, feel it in your chest, like, this is something important. I need to say, people need to hear this. Then I'm no longer thinking, well, what if, you know, what if they think that I'm. What if I say it in a weird way? Or what if I fumble it? Or what if I make a point that doesn't quite land? Or I'm not thinking that. I'm thinking, I've just got something I need to get across. Hammer mode, right? I'm going into that mode of let me make an impact and if I say it wrong, I say it wrong, I'll clean it up, you know, whatever is that. There are some times in life where you have to go into that mode. So right now, Sarah, what you're nicely describing as a performance oriented approach in dating, I am calling out as anxious perfectionism where you're afraid to make a mistake. So you're censoring yourself by not being vulnerable and just asking them questions about them so that you never have to say anything. Because if you never say anything, you can't make a mistake and you can't it up. But if you never say anything and you never make an impact, you also can never get that person going away saying, oh, you can never take Someone's breath away. You can never make them go away and say, I have to see that person again. Makes sense. Jeremy, we got to do. We should do a video about that. Let's go to one more question, by the way, for anyone who hasn't done it yet. If you're just joining, I am not only talking about my new book, love Life, I am talking about a very timely announcement, which is that this Saturday, you can spend three hours with me getting coached by me for your love life this year at an event called Find your Person, which is a virtual event anyone can get a free ticket to as long as they have a copy of my new book, love Life. You can get it by going to lovelifebook.com and if you register your purchase there, you'll also get a ticket to my event on Saturday. And if you're on Instagram or Facebook, then write down love Life in the comments, all as one word, and I will send you a link to order it right now. And then all you need to go do is go to lovelifebook.com and enter your receipt number to claim your ticket to this Saturday's event. Who's enjoying this live? Who's getting some value just out being here right now? All right, so Aquila says, what if having boundaries and standards can come as come across as antisocial and arrogant? That is your fear talking that. See, what happens when we're afraid to be confident? We come up with all sorts of things that can keep us safe. Because the truth is, if you're even asking that question, what do you think the chances are of you coming across as arrogant are. Aquila, let me repeat this because it's really important. If you're even asking that question, what are the chances of you coming across as arrogant? You're asking that question because it's a question that can keep you safe. If I say I don't, the Aquila that goes out and says these things, that has a standard is going to come across as arrogant. And you're clearly by even asking that question, you're an. You're a conscientious person. I know that just from reading between the lines. If you're a conscientious person and you have a real fear of coming across as arrogant, then you get to avoid doing the thing you're even more afraid of, which is to stand up for yourself or to say what you need by saying, I'm. It's really that I just don't want to come across as arrogant. But the truth Truth is, it's. Your bigger fear is that you don't. You've never done this. You're not. You're not. You're not sure you're worthy of having those standards or those boundaries. This is terrifying for you. To actually speak up for yourself is terrifying. What if you get rejected? What if someone doesn't like you? What they don't like you enough to meet those standards you feel like. Because right now, until until now, being people pleasing or fawning or letting people push you around or doing more for others than they do for you, that's been your safe place. It sounds crazy, but it's true. How many people can relate to that? Doing more for other people than you ask for them to do for you is your safe place. Because you feel like as long as I'm doing that, I'm earning my love, I'm earning their approval, I'm earning or I'm earning my place in their life. And you're terrified that if you suddenly ask for a relationship to be equal or if you ask for what you want, then someone's not going to like you anymore. But Aquila is easier for you to say, what if that comes across as antisocial and arrogant? Than it is to say, what if I'm not comfortable being someone's equal? Because that's the real truth. You're afraid to be someone's equal because there's some part of you, because of the way your life has been so far, that has made you think that in order to. To get someone's love, you have to do more for them than they do for you. Or you have to put up with things that aren't okay. You have to put up with things that you don't like because that's the only way that you'll be accepted. You're not going to come across as if you're worried about coming across as arrogant. Don't worry. Being arrogant is not going to be your problem. Your real problem is that you're afraid that you're not enough. You're not desirable enough. You're not enough to have standards and still be wanted. That the only way to be wanted is to do more for someone else than they do for you. This is. We're just getting started, guys. If you. If you're listening to this and you're going, this, I need more of this in my life. This is speaking my language. I'm learning things about myself. This Saturday, we're really going to kick things into another gear. This is. This is Just off the cuff. But when we get together on Saturday, this Saturday, we're going to go deep and we're going to look at our year, this year and say, how do we create inevitability in your love life? And what you'll notice, what I've noticed, I've coached people for many years. What I've noticed is that it's what people ask is very different from the real answer they need or from the real question that they need to ask. If you look at that, you know, with Aquila, there's a question she's asking. But sometimes it takes someone with experience to get to the real question that you're asking to get to the real thing behind it. And that's why I hope as many of you as possible read this book because it's going to give you a perspective and an insight into yourself that will be really, really hard for you to get on your own and for some people, impossible to get on your own. And I want you to come this Saturday because if you've ever wanted to be kind of coached by me in a significant way, we're going to spend three hours together doing this, and it's going to be this very unique, special moment where you get to do that for free, just for getting a copy of this book. So come join me if you've already got a copy of the book. Jeremy, can we throw that link back up for everybody? If you've already got a copy of the book, do not forget to register it this week. LoveLifeBook.com is the link. Love Lifebook is that link. Go register your book if you've ordered it already. And if you haven't ordered it, do not worry. There is still time. But do it right now while it's on your mind, because if you forget and you don't see me again this week, there's a very good chance you're going to miss this event and it's not coming back. So grab a copy of the book@lovelifebook.com go grab a copy now. Lovelifebook.com if you're on Instagram or Facebook, literally, just comment the word love life as one word. Love life, one word. And I'll send you a link to buy the book. And you can both buy the book from lovelifebook.com or wherever books are sold. But just make sure, no matter what, you come back to lovelifebook.com and you register your purchase by entering the receipt number or digital order number. If you bought through Amazon. Isabelle, I see you asking on Instagram. If you bought through Amazon, just use the order confirmation number that they sent you or on the thank you page. Check your emails for when you bought the book and use that order number to put it in the page@lovelifebook.com and register for the event. Mariana is at 10am Pacific Time on Saturday. That's 1pm Eastern Time, 6pm UK time. Thank you so much for watching. This is going to be an amazing event. I can't wait to see see you all. And this is a huge, huge moment I'm loving. Guys, I've been reading your feedback on Amazon. I've been reading the reviews and there have been some truly stunning reviews already on this book. I can't believe We've already got 140 reviews just in the last week from people who have read the book and been kind enough to go and review it. I've been looking at good, good reads and I know, I think if you buy it from Barnes and Noble, you can review the book there. Thank you to everyone who has been reviewing the book because I've been reading them and they have already made it so worthwhile writing. I've spent four and a half years writing this book and the reviews have been extraordinary and have been so validating for why I wrote this book in the first place. So thank you so, so much. If you are international, I think from the U.S. amazon, from American Amazon, you can actually buy a Kindle version. So if you are international, you can still buy a Kindle even if for whatever reason you can't get the hardcover, grab a Kindle. But for everyone who's been part of this, thank you. I've loved spending some time with you today and I look forward to spending even more time with you on Saturday. Aaron says there's 176 reviews now. Incredible. Well, thank you to everyone who is going and reviewing it. It means so much and most importantly, it helps me get the word out about this book, which is what I'm trying to put out there in the world is not me. I'm trying to put out this message. This message is important to me. You'll notice my face is not on the COVID of this book. It's not. I don't care if more people know me. I care if more people get this message. And that's what this book is about. Help me get this message out there by spreading the word, telling your friends about it, ordering copies for your friends, or for yourself, if you haven't already. All right, guys, I'm sending you so much love and I'll see you later. Okay? I'll see you on Saturday at find your person. LoveLifeBook.com is the link to buy the book and to register for the live event this Saturday. I'll see you there. Thanks, everyone.