The #1 Mistake People Make When They Like Someone

Do you want to know the most dangerous moment in dating? It is the moment you decide you like someone. Because it is precisely at that moment that we make the number one mistake that kills someone's attraction for us. We put ourselves in the position of needing that person. And somewhere in all of that, we lose the very magic that will actually make us attractive to that person. It's like our brain has decided that they are the prize and our job is to win them. And once you fall into that mindset that you're the one trying to get something, you've already given all of your power away. Today, I want to give you a solution to this mindset, this bodily reaction that is completely involuntary and screws up our chances of finding love before love has even had the chance to take root. I am Matthew Hussey. If you don't know me, for the last 20 years, I have been helping people find love, build their confidence, and live happily in their love lives, no matter what happens. I wrote a book, this book, it's called Love Life. And if you haven't subscribed to the channel, do that now while you remember, because I promise you, I'm going to have so many great videos coming out in the next couple of months, you are not going to want to miss them. This is something that Bryan Cranston, yes, Breaking Bad Bryan Cranston figured out years ago, and he wasn't even talking about dating. He was talking about auditions. But what he said doesn't just hold the answer to being a successful actor. It also holds the answer to finding love. Let's look at what he said.

So I used to think that, well, I'm going in there to try to get a job. But when you put yourself in a position of need or want, what happens is that you relinquish power and control over to some unknown entity. It just evaporates out of you. If you need and want something, you are not in a position of control. If you need and want that job, it'll show, it'll seep out, and people will be able to tell that there's a need or want there. Nobody wants to hire someone who actually needs a job. We want to hire people who are confident in what they're doing and saying and selling of themselves.

That point right there is extremely important. This idea that no one wants to hire someone who needs a job. And in dating, no one chooses someone for a relationship because they can see that that person needs a relationship. But this is hard in dating because we both want and need love. Okay? We may not need romantic love in order to be happy. I am someone who believes that we can be happy and outside of the context of a relationship. But most of us here who want love are acutely aware that finding romantic love and turning that romantic love into a genuine partnership with a loving teammate is one of the best experiences that is available to us. It is not easy to play it cool in the face of that truth. So how can we deal with these intense wants and needs in a context like for example, a first date where they don't actually serve us? By the way, guys, if you are watching this and there's someone you have in mind who you don't just like, but you really want a relationship with and you want it to progress to the point of a relationship and you want to know not just what you're learning in this video, which is how to project confidence, but the micro things that you can do and say and the right way to have the what are we conversations that lead to commitment. I have a free training called Casual to Committed that you can watch@get commitment.com which is a perfect free training video for you to go to after this one. It gives you the granular things that you can do that take a situation from being someone you're just dating to someone you're actually in an exclusive long term relationship with. Check it out@getcommitment.com so when I go.

Into a room to pitch a story as a director or writer or an actor to an audition, I am here to give you something. It may be the solution to your problem, but that's up to you. All I'm doing is giving you an option.

That point is so key to this whole mindset that avoids the mistake of going into a situation with a person we like thinking that, oh my God, I need them and I want them and how do I impress them? And then you give away all of your power to them in the process. The idea that I'm bringing something of value, value you may not value it. I can't control whether what I have to give is the solution to your problem. All I can do is my part on this date, in this text, in this conversation. That's my only job. And me presenting what I have to offer won't work on the wrong people. The secret to this is to stop focusing on getting mass approval of our worth, our value, and instead seeing the holy grail of relationships as value fit. In other words, finding a person who sees our value as exactly the kind of value they are looking for. Anyone who doesn't any isn't our person.

So when you come into a room and you have confidence, what happens is that confidence is, is, you know, it's addictive. You know, you, you enjoy the feeling of that. It's also, if you could catch it, you know, if someone comes into the room and I, and I sense confidence, you're giving me more confidence. And in evaluating what you're saying, that.

That right there, the idea that confidence itself has this kind of magical power. We spend so much time focusing on whether we have the right things to be confident about in life, whether we have the right ingredients to justify us being confident. And we spend not enough time realizing that. Confidence in and of itself has a magical quality. It is infectious. People can catch it. So when you walk into the room and you own yourself and you believe in the gift you're bringing with you by being there, it is that certainty and that detachment from the outcome that might end up being the thing that makes someone else decide you are exactly what they have been looking for. Confidence is a genuine superpower. I know that when I walk out onto the stage to give a speech, it is my job to transfer energy to that audience. It is not their job to transfer energy to me. There is a technique that Phil Stutz and Barry Michaels created called the dust technique where you imagine before you go out into a big presentation, you dust the audience, you cover them in a 2 inch thick coat of dust that stops them from being this light emanating force that are trying to impress and instead allows you to be the light emanating force. Imagine the next time you go on a date covering them in a thick coat of dust and then say, my light does not come from them, my light comes from me.

If you don't make this change, a little seed of resentment will start to turn and it becomes, it starts to plant itself and pretty soon it's a plant and a tree and a forest of resentment and anger and you will be, you will self implode because you have not given over the idea that if someone else gets a job that you audition for or you pitched and it's, it's caving you in as a person, you need help.

Obviously, in a love life context, I don't think of it in terms of you need help. Because the reality is that over time this can become extremely painful. This idea that you know, I am constantly behind that does breed resentment, insecurity, it does create pain. When we see other people, even if we're not, we don't wish them badly. It can still create pain when we see people we love finding what we want so badly. But I do also believe that when what makes relationships really special is the same thing that makes them really hard to find. The right relationships are so special because there is some kind of unique alchemy between those two people. That thing they found isn't mine. If they found it with each other. When I find it, it will be very much mine because I will have found something that is truly right for me, a connection that is truly special.

It's like me finding a wallet here and I look at it and oh, it's yours. I'm not angry. It's not mine. It's not mine. It's his wall. So give it to him. Hey, I'm happy you found your wallet.

I think even that idea of being happy that someone else found their wallet is worth this video alone. Because just in that is a way to be at peace. Even in the moments where nothing is happening in our love lives. It allows us to feel peaceful. It allows us to feel happy for other people, which is a wonderful feeling to have while still maintaining the hope and the possibility and the sense of curiosity about a moment where we find the thing that that is ours. Leave me a comment below letting me know how this video spoke to you. I've been loving reading your comments of late. And don't forget to go and check out that free training@getcommitment.com that shows you how to progress something from casual to committed. I'll see you in the next video. Sam.