The 4 Stages of Mixed Signals: Which One Are You Stuck In?

When someone we thought wanted us starts giving us mixed signals, it can leave us anxious, confused and wondering where we stand. Whether you've just matched on a dating app or you're deep in a relationship, there are four stages of mixed signals that we must understand if we are to avoid getting our heart broken or worse, getting strung along for years and ending up heartbroken anyway. In this video, you'll learn which of the four stages you're stuck in and what you can do to clarify the situation, bring back your confidence and get the commitment and emotional safety you're craving. Let's jump in. Stage one, the pen pal phase. This is that moment where things feel exciting. You've just matched or exchanged numbers. You're texting constantly. The messages are fun, there's momentum. But one thing is missing. They're not actually asking you out. You start wondering, are they just shy? Are they waiting for the right moment? Do they even want to meet me? Here is the hard truth. A lot of people text just to feel connected. They enjoy the momentary validation, but they don't necessarily want anything more. What they really want is your attention, not your love. So that's the first big question we have to ask ourselves at this stage. Does this person want my attention or my love? Because if all they're doing is reaching for your time and energy but not taking any actual steps towards real connection, you're being kept warm. You are not being pursued. Now, in the beginning, you might want to give someone the benefit of the doubt. They could be busy, nervous, feeling you out. That's okay. That's where generosity of spirit, a very important term for the purposes of this video, comes in. This means having a generally positive and gracious lens for the way we view someone. But there's a caveat. We can't have a generous interpretation of someone's actions without having standards for ourselves. That's how we end up stuck. So what should you do in this situation to balance generosity of spirit with standards? You can say, I feel like we're slowly becoming pen pals. It'd be really good to meet in person. Or if you want to use a line that my wife Audrey used to use, you could be playful but direct and say, by the way, if you asked me out, I'd totally say yes. Just FYI. Now, once you've made that move, whether it's through a suggestion, a nudge, or an invitation, you here's the test. Do they respond with action? If not, it's time to stop entertaining it. Tell yourself, I've put a step forward and they are not dancing back with me. So this just isn't interesting anymore. You don't have to get angry. You don't need closure. You just need to recognize this person is showing me they're not intentional. And that is clarity. Don't chase a stranger for intimacy. Don't build a fantasy out of flirtation. Move forward and let it become uninteresting. Stage two, the early dating blur. You've gone on one, maybe two dates. You're texting, there's chemistry, and you think that there's something real starting to build. But suddenly the rhythm is off. They're hot one day, cold the next. The texting slows down. Plans don't come together. The energy dips, and you can feel it in your gut. This is the early dating blur, where things look promising but feel confusing. And here's what makes this phase so hard. You've had just enough emotional connection to become hopeful, but not enough consistency to feel secure. So what do we do? We try to fill in the blanks we read between every line. We keep showing up, hoping they'll match our effort. We get so excited, we start building a story in our heads. But the reality doesn't match. And that's the trap. You're not dating the person in front of you. You're not even dating their potential because you really have no idea what they're capable of. You're dating your idea of their potential, the version of them that you wish they'd be more consistently. And when that happens, one of two things tends to follow. Number one, you over function. That means you double down. You text more. You chase clarity. You try to impress your to consistency. Or number two, you shrink yourself. You worry that you're the reason they're pulling away and that you came on too strong, that you're too much. Neither of these work and neither of them feel good. So what does work? Look, there's a balance that gets lost here and we have to bring it back. It is that dance that we have already talked about here. Between generosity of spiritual and unshakable standards. A confident person isn't afraid of giving. They might say, here's how I feel. I like you. And you might describe the things that you like about someone. A confident person isn't afraid to give someone compliments, to recognize the best parts of someone. But a confident person is also able to uphold their standards at the same time as saying, I, I like you and here's how I feel about you. They can say, but this part of your behavior confuses me and I want to talk about it. That's what real strength looks like in this stage. You're not punishing someone, but you're not begging either. You're just calmly holding the mirror up and saying, I know what I want. Do you imagine yourself saying these words? I'm really enjoying getting to know you. I need to feel that we're moving in the same direction, otherwise I end up feeling disconnected. Now what I love about this language is that the danger isn't for you. The danger if they don't show up is for them because you're going to end up feeling disconnected. And if you feel disconnected, you're going to lose interest. That's the implication there. And it's clear, it's kind. And by saying it, you're going to reveal the kind of person you're dealing with. If they step up, great. If they retreat, you have just dodged months of confusion. Do not let your imagination run the relationship. Let their consistency or their lack of it tell you everything you need to know. And while we're on the subject of mixed signals, let me ask you something. Has a single unanswered text or one awkward interaction with the person you like ever completely hijacked your day? You start overthinking, obsessing over every detail or the person. Emotions run high and even though you know it's not rational, it's like all logic shuts down. You feel completely hijacked and out of control. If that sounds familiar, I want to give you something that will change that. I have created a simple three step system that I use to regain control when I feel that way. And it has helped thousands of people who have come to my retreat over the last 17 years, which has been up until this point, the only place where I've ever shared this system. For the first time ever, I am giving it away completely free@insidetheretreat.com if you are going through something painful, stuck with someone who is blowing hot and cold, or just tired of reacting in ways you regret, this system will help you take back your power. But it is only available for a few days. So go and get it at inside the retreat.com and grab it now. I promise you, once you have this, you will wish you had it soon sooner. Stage 3 the almost committed phase. This is where things start to feel real. You've been dating a little while, you're spending time together, maybe sleeping over, meeting each other's friends, but something feels off. They haven't defined the relationship and they avoid the talk they're there, but they're not fully in. This is the almost committed phase, and it is one of the most emotionally frustrating places to be because everything looks like a relationship except the part where you actually feel chosen. You start asking yourself, should I bring it up? Will asking push them away? Am I expecting too much too soon? And this is where mixed signals get really dangerous. Because your standards go quiet. You stop asking for what you need. You stop showing how you feel. You try to keep the peace and you hope that they will get there on their own. You end up giving all the time and asking for nothing in return. You're generous, you're patient. You're trying to be easygoing. But inside, you're an anxious wreck. You feel small. You feel like you're waiting for somebody else to decide your worth. This is the moment where once again, you have to come back to your new secret weapon. Generosity of spirit calibrated with strong standards. You can be warm, you can be vulnerable. You can even compliment them. What you can't do is keep shrinking your needs just to hold on to someone who won't define what this is. So what do you say when you want to address the lack of clarity without pushing them away, you tell them the things you're not happy about. I feel confused here. I don't like this part. I want to understand more about why you did this or why you're not able to do that. Let's talk about it together. See, there's some part of us that is afraid that if we do this, if we talk about how we feel, if I am in any way perceived to be affected by what somebody is doing, then I am going to lose my power. But what I'm saying here is calm. Calm. It's direct, and it invites connection instead of conflict. If the person on the other end is emotionally available and ready, they'll engage with the conversation in a meaningful way. If they're not, then it's time to listen to what their silence is telling you. Because Almost Committed is still uncommitted. And you deserve more than almost. Stage four the relationship drift. You're in a relationship now. You've defined it. You've built trust. There's history, routine, and love. But lately, something has changed. The effort has faded. You don't feel seen. This is the relationship drift, where mixed signals no longer look like games or hesitation. They look like emotional disconnection. And this is where things get really confusing because the person still says they love you. They're still around, but you can feel in your body that something is off, and we don't know what part of that is our intuition and what part of it is our anxiety. So you question yourself. Am I overreacting? Is this just a phase? Should I be more patient? And then you begin to tolerate more than you should. You stop voicing your needs. You convince yourself it's safer to be silent than to risk rocking the boat. But here's the truth. Silence doesn't protect connection, it erodes it. And if someone's emotional absence has become the new normal, you need to ask a real question. You can say, I know relationships change and evolve, but I've been feeling a bit disconnected from you. Can we talk about what's going on and how we're both feeling? This is not an accusation. It's not a threat. It's an invitation to check in and come back together. And if they can't meet you there, or worse, they refuse to even enter the conversation, then that's no longer a mixed signal. It's a clear one. I remember a time when me and Audrey were early in our relationship where we were committed. She could sense some disengagement on my part when she talked about the future. She sensed me going quiet and not really participating. And it worried her because she felt like I wasn't in it to the same extent that she was. She tried to talk to me about this, and I got defensive. And we ended up in a bit of a frosty situation that day. In an effort to distract and run interference, as Tom Hardy would have said to Leonardo DiCaprio in Inception, I hired a puppy party. I've since learned that the industry of puppy parties might not be a sustainable one. So I'm sorry for the animal lovers out there, I didn't know. But at the time, it was the best idea I had for distracting her. It wasn't like a conscious thing to try to distract her. I was just trying to, like, gloss over everything. Anyway, she frolicked with the puppies. She had the best time. And as soon as the puppies left, she turned to me and was like, so let's get back to our conversation. She didn't get distracted. Don't get distracted by shiny or fluffy things. And don't tell yourself a story that explains away someone else's disengagement. And if that can't be created together anymore, then the most loving thing you can do for both of you is let go. Because you don't want to be in a relationship where you feel lonelier in it than you were when you were single. So which of those four stages are you stuck in right now? The truth is, mixed signals aren't just something that someone else gives us. There's something we accept when we don't trust ourselves. We stay in confusion because clarity feels risky. We tell ourselves stories because silence hurts. We hold on to hope even when someone's actions are giving us the answer. But the most powerful signal in your love life isn't what they do. It's what you decide to tolerate. It's how quickly you listen to your gut. Their actions are not the only signal. You are a signal. When you're willing to say, this isn't enough for me, their mixed signals lose their power. You stop waiting to be chosen, and you stop start choosing yourself. So go back through these four stages, look at your situation honestly, use the words from today's video, and remember, the right person won't leave you guessing. They'll meet you, match you, and make you feel safe, not confused. Until then, stay generous, stay grounded, and never forget the standard you deserve. And if you want to feel better right away, click the link that I gave you earlier. I'll leave it right here. InsideTheRetreat.com I'll see you next time.