The Dangers of 'The Romantic Weekend'

In dating, everything is either communicating, I'm a person to be taken seriously, or I'm a person to be taken lightly. Let me give you guys a scenario. You're seeing someone, you like them, you're having a great time with them, you've been on multiple dates, and then they say, Come, let's go on a trip together. For the weekend or maybe seeing their means going on a trip. They want to see you and they're like, come visit me. And they're a long drive away or they're a flight away. You like them, but you're not in a relationship yet. Do you go?

Mmm. This is a point of leverage.

That's a really, really valuable phrase, points of leverage. Because what it's saying is, at the point at which someone is asking for more, you have, you know, you have some leverage. If they're not asking for more, then you've lost leverage.

And more can be more of your time, more dates, more intimacy.

Exactly.

Anything. They just want more of you.

They want more in a proactive way. And if you haven't created enough leverage, then that's not. go sleep with them to create leverage because we know that that's a poor form of leverage in most cases. But it might be that ultimately this person doesn't know you well enough to care. This person hasn't seen your best sides yet. This person isn't excited about you yet. And by the way, they may have made up their mind and decided it's not a right fit. That's okay. We've all done that in the past. But if you don't have leverage, do not waste time asking what this person is thinking or feeling or do they like me? Think about how important what I'm about to say must be for me to interrupt my own video. Well, here's why it's important. It's going to change your love life and it's free. If you want to know why someone may have faded out, why they may have disappeared, why all of a sudden it felt like the momentum was lost with this person, go to why he's gone. www.whyhe'sgone.com where I talk about the main reasons someone disappears. Go check it out. Whyhe'sgone.com and now let's go back to the video. And by the way, if you're not sure whether you have leverage, then you can at least start by reaching out to that person and checking in with them and seeing if you get a response and then see if they then Because of course it's easy to say, someone may say, well, maybe they're just not reaching out because they're shy or because they're kind of playing it cool. Okay, great. Play it a little less cool.

Also, see what happens. If someone's not reaching out, you don't have leverage. Full stop.

Doesn't matter if they're shy or not. Well, I think, I think, no, but I think for anyone who's confused about which scenario they're in, if they're shy or if they just need a little encouragement, you giving a little more in the form of communication or you saying, hey, you should give me a call.

Yeah.

Sometime this week or today. I'd love to hear your voice. You'll see results from that. If it's not about you haven't created leverage and it's just about they're kind of scared to make a move that will actually yield results. If it doesn't yield results or if it only yields results. for a day, then you have no leverage. Yeah. So, okay, so someone's asking you on a trip, that's a point of leverage. They're asking for more.

Yeah. So, and there's obviously different scenarios to this, but, you know, if you met someone whilst you're in Italy and they live in Italy and then you went back home and then you're on FaceTime every night and they say, come see me in Italy, I would argue you shouldn't go. okay, but are we in a relationship? Because they are just trying to get to know you better. And the only way to get to know each other better is to make that trip.

Do you think you should make a trip for someone that you're just seeing?

Assuming you've had enough conversations to know that you're wanting to get to, you like each other, you want to get to know each other better, and you need to travel to each other to do so. And, you know, you say, yeah, I think you can kind of tell if.

You'Re, if you think the guy should make the first trip?

I don't think there's a hard and fast rule about whether the guy or the girl should make the first trip.

How do you deduce that someone would be willing to do that for you? Because it's really easy to tell someone, come visit me. Like that requires very few calories to say to someone, you should come visit. It actually requires real investment. to go and travel to see someone.

I think the most important thing in that moment is to communicate in that moment that for you that's a big deal. So you're happy to go and see them. And it's not you're going, you know, you're not at that point saying, I would like us to be exclusive or in a relationship, but you're saying, you know, I'm wary of obviously making the trip, getting all this time together and getting attached and having an amazing time and then having to leave you. feeling like, you know, what was it? What did it mean? So I just want you to know that, you know, if I make that trip, it's because I want to get to know you better because I'd love to see if it could go somewhere. And I think, I actually think that's an okay conversation to have. It's an important conversation to have in many scenarios. But I do think that, yeah, it's difficult in, in those kind of long distance circumstances.

It is, but I think it does highlight an issue, which is, are there areas where there is just a real asymmetry in terms of the amount of effort that is being put in? And that's one of those where it just 100% is easier for someone to say, Come here than it is for them to go there. Or I think, Audrey, as you rightly point out, you have a conversation that sets a tone that says, Look, I'm going to be honest with you. I would really like to see you. But it's for me, you know, that kind of me coming to see you is a, it's kind of an effort. like, you know, I have a lot going on in my life and I'd be taking time out and, you know, I'd be coming to you and it's not you coming to me, I'd be coming to you. And I wouldn't, I wouldn't be doing that unless it was to, as you say, genuinely explore, you know, wherever there's.

Something that exactly between us.

Yeah.

And I do think the most important part of that is also setting your, if you are to go on the trip, setting your, your boundaries around what it is that you'd be happy to do in terms of getting physical, getting intimate.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, yeah, you could say if you're not comfortable, you could say I'm, I'd feel more comfortable if I just rented a place, you know, if I got a place of my own.

Exactly.

Yeah. This is a chance for us to get to know each other better. You're, you're really laying out oh, I.

Want to take it slow, you know? So although this is, this is obviously the only space for us to get to know each other because we don't live in the same country. But, you know, I, I do want to take things slow, and I, I'm not, as a result, I would prefer to rent my own place so that we can get to know each other in an organic way.

To me, this is symbolic of what, of any kind of situation in early dating where you are being asked to do something that you would not do. outside of the context of something that was actually leading somewhere. That exact same argument can apply to sex. Like the entire conversation we just had could just as easily apply to sex. And this isn't something that I lightly would do. You know, it's something that for me, it means something. I am not in a place in my life where I kind of want to just, you know, jump into bed with somebody and it be a casual thing, which isn't to say that it. We have to know everything about what this is going to be, but it does mean it's important to me that if we do this, you're open to. To something more. and then you get someone's answer. But all of this comes down to being willing to have certain conversations. You're probably like, you're not going to have one conversation six weeks in where you say, are we in a relationship? It's more likely to be a series of moments where you communicate your intentions, communicate what you're looking for, communicate how to communicate what you're comfortable with and what you're not comfortable with, depending on where it's going. It's likely to be a series of those moments. But how you talk in those moments and the structure of the conversation, the language you use, these things actually matter because everything is Look, in dating, everything is either communicating, I'm a person to be taken seriously, or I'm a person to be taken lightly. Always. Even after sex, saying to someone, that was crazy last night, is a very different thing than saying to someone, I had such a lovely time with you last night. Like, I really enjoyed spending time with you last night. That says something different. One of them says, what a fun experience. The other one says, that was meaningful. And we can't control somebody else's experience. We can't control the meaning that something has for them. But we can certainly massively influence the way they interpret us. the way they perceive us, how seriously they take us, how much they respect us, the value that they place on us. We can't determine it completely, but we can absolutely have a massive influence on it. Wait, before YouTube sends you down the rabbit hole of watching raccoon videos or videos of large crocodiles on Florida golf courses. I have something that will help your love life more than these things and it's at whyhesgone.com if you want to know why someone faded out, why they were giving you attention and all of a sudden they stopped, this guide shows you. Go to whyhesgone.com and then enjoy your baby bear videos.