The Hidden Danger of Dating an Ambitious Guy

You started with three different adjectives, driven, motivated, ambitious. Those three things are not necessarily synonymous with kindness. All right, this question is from B. She says, hello Matthew, I recently started listening to your podcast and can I just say you and the crew are relatable, refreshing and encouraging. so thank you. I do have a question for you if you don't mind answering. I'm from the San Francisco Bay Area and I'm what some have called an alpha woman. I am independent, graduated from a great university, started a career and became a homeowner at a young age. I'm seeking a partner who is also driven, motivated, ambitious and kind. I have noticed that I tend to attract gentlemen who ask me out who are Apologies, I do not mean to say this in a derogatory way, but men who do tend to look for caretakers, take the backseat in a relationship, and might even try to take advantage of my giving heart and financial ambition. I am not attracted to men like this. Any tips to attract a man who I'd consider an equal in kindness, drive, and ambition? Think power couple. Is it truly just a numbers game or is there something I'm missing? Also, for the record, while I am independent, I'm also very feminine, kind and generally fun to be around. Don't want any of the comments above to be misconstrued as stodgy. And that is from B. Well, thank you for the question, B, and the vulnerability in asking it. This is the kind of question that makes me want to ask you five more questions to try to get a little more precise with my answer and understanding what might be going wrong. Look, let's just start from the place of saying dating is always, to some extent, a numbers game. And the answer to many things can be, have some patience, because over time, if you're proactive, life will put people in front of you who could be right for you. So there is that element of it's a numbers game. You sound from what you've said in. You said you graduated from a great university, became a homeowner at a young age. I'm guessing you're in your twenties. I don't know that for sure, but it sounds like that from the way you're saying it. there's time, and it will be a numbers game in the sense that I think that at that age, you're still trying to figure out who your people are, the circles that you want to be around, the places you like hanging out, your peer group is evolving. It's going to change a lot. So at that age, that it's natural for you to feel a sense of, I don't feel a lot of connection to the people I'm around. And by the way, I'm not even just saying that about romantic partners. It can also be true of friends in general. You know, a lot of the friends that you end up being friends with in your 30s or your 40s can end up being quite different from the people that you're friends with in your 20s because your life evolves, but your peer group hasn't necessarily evolved with it yet. And so you will end up meeting interesting people. And I think that it's important to note that those interesting people that you meet may be people who are driven, are ambitious. are motivated. They're doing really interesting things with their life. They're on their own mission. It sounds like what you want is someone who's on their own mission, someone who's got their own thing going on. It's not they're not relying on yours. There's a kind of self perpetuating passion that they have of their own that's driving them forward, which, by the way, I wouldn't even say is synonymous with having money. you could find someone who's passionate and doesn't and is very driven and has a sense of purpose, and they don't earn much money, but they also don't spend a lot of money. They don't want a lot. You know, they're, they're fine doing what they're doing. They're living on purpose for themselves. So if that's the case, you almost have to further break down. Well, am I looking just for someone who doesn't rely on me for a sense of passion and purpose? And, and can I, if I found someone who had those things, who had that ambition, who had motivation, who was driven, do they have to have money? Okay, it's different if they're trying to take advantage of the money I have. But if they're not, if they're not trying to get that out of the relationship, can I live with someone who's not on the same financial status as me, but is this awesome, driven human being who's really tapped into this sense of purpose? I think that's an important distinction to make so that you know what it is you're really asking for. But once you start to meet more people like that, you meet more people like that. You know, you only have to meet one person who's driven, one person who's ambitious or who's got some really interesting stuff going on. And if you make friends with that person, that can introduce you to a whole network of people who are like that. So one of the, I suppose, practical pieces of advice I would give you is when you find yourself at a party, an event, and you meet someone who maybe they're not right for you. Maybe they're not even the right gender for you. It doesn't matter. If you meet someone who's of that kind of type of person, make friends with that person, hang out with that person more, get to know the people that person knows because they will likely know other people like them. And when you start to get invited to the places they go, they may be only one of their kind at a certain event you're at. But if you get tapped into who they know, now you're into a whole group of people who are the kinds of people that you would like to meet. So finding new communities, fresh ones, not the ones you're in already, not the ones where they keep delivering the kinds of people that you don't want, but instead tapping into communities of people that are doing the kinds of interesting things that you want to be around. That would be a good starting point. And that means you being proactive, not just reactive and waiting for the right person to walk into a room you're already in, but be proactive. Ask yourself, where would people like that be? Where could I go and involve myself with a different group of people? A group of people that frankly won't find me that impressive because they're all doing really, really cool things with their life. Seek out groups like that. go to, you know, it could be a course that you sign up to, where the people that would be interested in a course like that are people who are like you, or it could be self-development. And you get more into live events in self-development, where you could meet other people who are growth-minded. That could be a really interesting place for you to be. But put yourself in those places proactively, and don't Don't judge them too quickly. Patience is really important with this. I've got people in my life today that it took me 15 years to meet. And now I'm connected with some really interesting and extraordinary individuals doing interesting things, all different walks of life, but people I'm really grateful for in my life now. And those things happened gradually. by accretion. They didn't, you know, it was like I knew someone for eight years, and then all of a sudden, I went, I formed a deeper relationship with that person, and then they introduced me to a whole new group of people like them, and that was really cool. That takes time. The, you know, this idea of. There's this kind of ugly idea of networking that is, you know, this idea of just you're like this very short-termist transactional. meet who you can get invited to the right parties and so on. I don't, I don't like that. To me, that reads as really inauthentic and tactical. And also, I think that people who are successful and have the right values can usually smell that kind of behavior a mile off. So I'm more into actually building relationships with people, actually getting to know people from the kinds of walks of life that you want to be around and being curious to, you know, add to that person's life or learn more about that person. That's what's going to organically bring you into more new communities. So I think there's a community element that you'll benefit from, especially if you're young, because those things take time. There's also, I think it's worth pointing out that you say, I'm seeking a partner who is driven, motivated, ambitious and kind. Right there, that's already a rare bird. There's not, you know, that of the people who you started with three different adjectives, driven, motivated, ambitious, those three things are not necessarily synonymous with kindness. They can be, or they, I should say they can come packaged with kindness as well, but that's not automatic. And a lot of people with those qualities, will be the kinds of people that either use people or are quite ruthless. They may not be interested in what you have to offer because they're not really seeing your personality. They're seeing what you have to offer in a more material sense or an opportunistic sense. So you almost have to start by recognizing B that you are looking for something that's somewhat rare. Someone who's kind and big hearted at the same time as being driven, motivated and ambitious. A lot of kind, big hearted people don't spend as much of their lives trying to take over the world. It's not like that's not their thing. They love their family, they love their friendships, they invest a lot of time in the people in their lives. They're not trying to get more, more, more, more, more all the time. And so they can be different. They're impressive in a completely different way, but they're not trying to do that. And a lot of the people you meet who will have achieved the most, the kind of power couple thing that you're talking about is like the two of you together will look like this power team because of what you've both achieved and how driven you are. a lot of people who are like that don't make great partners. And, you know, if you, I, I think Dr. Ramani would validate this, the expert on narcissism, that there's a reason that narcissists, in fact, she has told me this. There is a reason narcissists often go very far. It's because they're more ruthless than other people. They're, they're willing to be more Cutthroat. They're able to do things without that same level of guilt or concern or empathy for other people and how it might affect them. They're able to use people more easily and dispose of people more easily. So that's not me saying, Don't go for someone who's driven, motivated, and ambitious. It's me saying, Recognize that what you're asking for is rarer because you also have thrown kind in the mix. So that's a, that's kind of a me saying, be patient with that, too. And, and by the way, don't overvalue anyone who comes along who is driven, motivated and ambitious, but isn't kind, because that's where you'll get yourself into a lot of trouble. You'll say, oh, I have this power couple thing going on now, but you'll also have someone who treats you horribly. So don't settle for someone who has the first three but doesn't have the kind part. If you're enjoying this content, if you're enjoying this channel and you want to go deeper and you're like, this is the material I need, this is the content I need to start to really help me in my love life. You joining me on YouTube or Instagram or Facebook or wherever you're watching this is just scratching the surface. 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