The Most Overlooked Red Flags You Should NEVER Ignore

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How do you make sure that you don't start misinterpreting things as red flags? And the messaging out there can be very confusing. And so I love that you put in your book about how we can interpret something, label it. But now we're contradicting ourselves and actually it's holding ourselves back from finding that real person that deserves to be with us. So you said he doesn't compliment you.

Red flag.

They're a withholder. He compliments you too much.

Red flag.

They're a love bomber. He never asks questions about you.

Red flag.

They're a narcissist. He asks too many questions about you.

Red flag.

Too controlling. He's disrespectful to his mother.

Red flag.

Not fully grown. He's too close to his mother. Red flag, ditto. So yeah, when you think about as we're talking right where you do maybe the deep work, you look back with your like your four levels of importance and maybe people get stuck at that second one where they think that mutual attraction is everything. And you start to look back and you go, okay, where did I miss things? How do we make sure that we're not labeling something a red flag? And actually what are the you list in your book? These are actually the red flags we should be paying attention to that we're not necessarily. And that can if we don't pay attention to these. We can actually start to act actually detrimental to our relationship because we've picked up the wrong messaging from our assessment of our red flags.

Well, I think we have to be very careful going into a relationship, like, on the lookout for all of the red flags, because it's not. No one wants to. We wouldn't want to go on a date with someone who's like, constantly just assessing us for red flags. We want to go on a date with a person who's being present with another person. And, you know, really, we're just trying to assess every step of the way. Is this person someone that I want to keep giving my time and my energy to, not just physically, but emotionally? Do I want to allow this person to take up psychological space in my life? And therefore, at different stages, if there's something we see that we don't like or appreciate, or it's something that connects to something we may have seen in the past that has maybe we ignored before, and ignoring it became one of the great kind of origins of the suffering that we experienced in a previous relationship, then it's worth saying, what's a different approach to this than I've had in the past? And, and what approach serves me now? Seeing something I don't like, depending on how egregious it is. But there are lots of things we see that we don't necessarily love that aren't, like, heinous. They're not something that is like an automatic, oh, that person was genuinely deeply misogynistic or disrespectful in the thing that they just said. And you know what? This is a first date. It's not my job to give a second date chance to someone who on the first date just clearly is like the complete wrong kind of person for me. But if you see things that feel like they're kind of in that gray area for you, it may not be the best approach for you to just cut and run every time. It might be a better approach to say, well, could I get curious about this? And could I actually learn a little more? Could I. What would happen if I communicated here? What would happen if I actually expressed how I felt about something that just happened? And then I. I always think of before. It's a true red flag. Unless it's one of the worst ones. It's kind of an amber light. It's like a. Let me see. Maybe this isn't as bad as I thought. I've. I've mistaken amber lights for red flags before where I was way too judgmental about things. And I never spoke to someone about it. I didn't give them a chance. And so I never really got to see that they may not have been as bad as I thought. Or maybe that person, once they realized, they shifted. Look, I remember early on in mine and Audrey's relationship seeing something that I thought was a little bit of a red flag, that, like, made me jealous. But it was absolutely not a red flag. It was just my stuff. It was like my fear coming out, my trauma. And I. I remember at the time, instead of approaching it in a very productive way, I approached it from a very defensive way and it created a fight. It was a moment of real vulnerability for me because I was like, I felt out of control for a moment. Like, that's what it really was about is like, for a moment I felt out of control and I felt like I could get hurt. And when I expressed it, I did not express it. I didn't say, maybe this is an amber light. Let me communicate about this and how I feel and let me communicate my vulnerability here. I didn't do that. I. I think I probably made some passive aggressive remark, went cold. Then when she coaxed it out of me, I then came out in a overly, like, antagonistic way. And at the end of the conversation, she was left going like, this is not cool. Like, this, the way this went down isn't cool. And then of course, when you feel like you've done that, you feel shameful, right? Because you're like, I've let myself down. I didn't do, I didn't approach that well, blah, blah, blah. That wasn't the best version of myself. It became this beautiful example of how something was never a red flag to begin with. It was just my fear coming out. And it had the potential to push someone away completely. Because when we get scared, a lot of us act out. Just like the woman who said, don't bother calling me. And I was like that. I was that person who was very like, you know, if I got anxious, then I'd get defensive. And if I got defensive, push you away, because God forbid I let you too close. Because if you see the weakness that's behind this, if you see the fear that's behind this, you're going to find me unattractive. And that was like my deepest fear is that I'm. I've got this very, like, I'm impressive and I'm strong and I'm this and I'm that and I'm cool and I'm The. And then if, but if you really see what's going on behind here some of the time, not 100% of the time, but if you see how fragile I can be or how weak I can be or, God forbid, this moment of insecurity where I feel jealous, then you are going to think I am hideous and pathetic and weak and not attractive and you won't want me anymore. You'll never look at me the same way again. That's. That's the fear. And so I didn't, I didn't want to say any of that. And I think, like, that's a hard thing for everyone. But, you know, you, when you talk about why, where does toxic masculinity come from? Where does so much of that male aggression come from? So much of it is just like, I'm not going to let you. I'm not going to give you that information on me, on how scared I really am or how inferior I can really feel at times, or how insecure I really feel or how much I fear I don't match up. I'm just going to act out because that's easier because I might push you away, I might drive you away. You may think I'm. I'm a terrible person, but better that then you see how fragile I am, you know, so. And I had a moment where I just. I just didn't. I just acted out, created an argument. Now, as the argument subsided and because Audrey is not a storm out kind of a person, she was, you know, I think there was probably, if I've, If I imagine, because I can't remember exactly, but I imagine there was a moment where she would have said something like, look, I'm really sorry that, like, something has, this has brought something up for you because it's a horrible feeling when something makes you feel jealous and it makes you feel in some way insecure. And, you know, I, I want to reassure you that blah, blah, blah, and it's. In those moments, it's a very powerful thing because you. Someone gets to model something that maybe you haven't seen before. Because maybe in the past someone would have just. And by the way, they would have been within their rights too, but someone would have just said, screw this. Because by the way, I've been in a situation before where I said something very vulnerable. And someone said, literally said to me, I find that really unattractive. And it shut me down because I went. My mind at the time, this was many years ago, but in my mind at the time I went, I'm Never doing that again.

Well, yeah, no wonder. I mean, imagine people say that that can. For someone that's not self aware like you, you end up taking it with you.

You take it with you. And many people have, many, many people have shared something with someone who wasn't capable or mature enough or compassionate enough to hold space for that. And it went badly and they resolved never to, to be that vulnerable with someone again. And it, we don't take the lesson that, that was the, that was just someone who wasn't on your level of vulnerability or wasn't on your level of like you were ready to go into a relationship as a whole person and this person didn't want a whole person.

Yeah, we take the wrong takeaway from.

It saying, and I did for a minute, trust me. Like, I think Brene Brown Brown's work is life changing. I think the stuff she is, she has done in her life is like an extraordinary contribution to the field. But I'll tell you, in that moment I was like, fuck Rene Brown.

And the horse she rode in.

I was like, this doesn't, I've had, I had the experience that so many men have, which is, this doesn't work for men. Now, I don't believe that you'll hear everything else I'm talking about today is the polar opposite of that. But in your mind, when you get hurt, and especially for many guys, when they get hurt or when they get overlooked for somebody else or when they're vulnerable and it makes them, they feel like, oh, she just went for the stronger guy. Once she learned that I had this vulnerability, that's. That makes you shut down. It makes you say the vulnerability stuff isn't for me. And, and that did shut me down for a minute. It validated something I was already afraid of. Which is the worst thing when it's like, it doesn't even create a new fear, it just confirms an old one. That if anyone knew my darker side, my weaker side, my more shameful side, all the parts of me I'm not proud of, they would never be with me. And with Audrey, I, she didn't do that. She literally said to me, just so you know, when you tell me something like that, it does not in any way make me think less of you. It doesn't make me love you less. It makes me love you more. It makes me think you're even more special. It makes me think you're even more interesting, more rounded. It doesn't take away all the moments where you're strong and when you're a Leader. And when you're powerful and when, you know, I see you in your element and you're just all of this, you know, everything about you that's so sexy, it doesn't change any of that. It doesn't become the truth of how I see you. It just allows me to see all of you. And that's what we all want, is someone who sees us holistically, right? That's the greatest gift you can ever give anyone, is to see them, not just their light, but their darkness, contextually, in the context of where they've come from, who they are, providing that that person has the self awareness to improve those things or to not bring, you know, use that as a justification for abuse in a relationship, which you can still view someone contextually and holistically and say this, wow, their past has led them to be this way. But you can, at that point you have to say, but I can't have you in my life. But the gift of seeing someone holistically like that is just the greatest gift I think anyone can give another person. And my point is, it might feel we're a long way from red flags right now, but my point is that when we see something that, again with the proviso that it's not abusive, genuinely abusive, or something that you just shouldn't even indulge, which doesn't mean you have to have contempt or judge it or say that person is evil at their court. No, it's just, I can't indulge this. I can't have this in my life. And I can't take the risk that you're going to improve this everything else. Like the woman who said don't bother when she, he said, can I call you later? And she said, don't bother. He could have seen that as a red flag, right? He could have said, red flag. This person's going to be a very difficult presence in my life. Very challenging. I don't need that. Or let's say he's the kind of guy that maybe he was like that before. He was a lot less open or very scared. And he had trauma in his life that led him to be very avoidant in that way. Or maybe he had a parent like that so he understands that kind of a person. Or he had someone in his life, maybe he's the perfect person in the world to have compassion for that in her. And so he comes to her and he says, listen, I feel like today you got really scared and it hurt that I didn't invite you. And I'm so sorry that it's hurt you that I didn't invite you. That was not my intention and you know it. This was the context in which that happened. But I also hate that you had a shitty day today. I hate that you were, like, feeling anxious today. And you must have been feeling really anxious to send me that message because you and I have been having such a great time. And then you told me, don't bother calling you. You know, that must have come from a really. A real place of pain for you. And if he said that, maybe she feels like, oh, my God, no one's approached this with me in this way before. No one's given me that kind of understanding. I feel seen, maybe. She says, yeah, I did get it. Made me feel bad. And he says, I get it. He said, listen, the next time you feel bad like that, I need you to explain it to me and to not just shut me out. Because when you shut me out like that, it makes me feel unsafe, and that hurts me. And I know you don't want to hurt me either. So we have to, like, I want you. I want us to approach that differently if it happens again. Now, that's him taking what could be a red flag, bringing a different level to it, and it might make him the best possible person to help her heal because it becomes a corrective relationship for her. And that's an invitation for her to raise her game and to say, oh, I better. I better bring a different energy to this because I've got someone very special here and they don't deserve me shutting them out in that way without having that conversation. So she gets an invitation to be better. She may not take it.

That's what I was going to say. The idea that he gave her the invitation is very powerful because he's not just accepting it, which I think is where a lot of people stop. It's like, oh, they're wounded. Cool. Let me just accept it. I'm here for you. Don't worry. And she pushes back. Now they may learn the wrong lesson. Be like, oh, I can just always say, well, don't bother then. And that's my controlling factor. Yes, versus how you just described it, where he said, it's not, next time, let's do something actually different and better. So you're not just accepting. Because I think that that's where some people lie, is that they accept it, but they hear a behavior, they have compassion like this. Dr. Ramani, you know that part of what the narcissist looks for is someone with Tremendous empathy that just allows to behave in that way. Because then they feel empathy. Well, I feel bad. They've had a bad day. Well, right. And you start making excuses, and that's where you don't want to be. So I love that you added that last portion on that. He said, next time, this is how we should address it.

Well, empathy, Having empathy without having a standard for what you expect in return is a recipe for disaster. That's what, in narcissistic relationships, your empathy gets weaponized.

Yes.

And when an endless capacity for empathy meets an endless capacity to take, you have a situation where someone can destroy your life.

Yeah.

And that's. You know, I forget which. I could remember her name. She wrote the book on the opioid crisis. Beth Macy, I think. But she. She said in. In when it comes to opioids, we think that there's like this. This. There's this mistaken belief that there's like a rock bottom, that when you hit that rock bottom, you'll bounce back up again. But with opioid addiction, there is no such rock bottom. Rock bottom has a trapdoor, and that trapdoor has a basement, and you could just keep falling and falling and falling. And that's true also in narcissistic relationships, when you are endlessly empathetic in that way and you don't have a standard for how things need to get better or progress or how someone needs to take accountability for their healing, now you have a relationship that can consume you, where you will lose yourself and where in every possible way, your life can be destroyed. So you're right. He's not in that situation just having endless empathy and compassion. He's combining empathy and compassion with a mandate for her to bring something different next time. Now, he can then. That's now converted a red flag into an amber light. If it doesn't get better, then okay, red flag. Because for me, I can't keep going with someone who's not progressing in this way because I deserve more than this. Right. I can still have compassion for this person, but I have compassion for myself. And compassion for myself means I know I don't deserve this with my most intimate relationship. So that's what that looks like. And if she gets better in that way and she brings something different, it doesn't mean she'll never have that trigger again. But if she improves and she's starting to, like, heal, and he'll have ways he needs to heal too, and she might be the right partner to help him heal in some ways. Now you have a Relationship, which is a true, like, that's the best. That's the best. It's a relationship that's healing is why this idea that you have to be, like, fully healed before you find a relationship is complete nonsense. The right relationship, it helps you heal. Of course you come with stuff. You've been with Tom a long time. You both still have stuff. It's not like you don't come to that fully healed. You come to it with a person who's able to make space for you.

And as you live on, wounds continuously open up. It's not like you've healed and you never get hurt again. So you get wounds from other places in your life.

That's right.

Not necessarily just from your relationship. And so actually, here. And I love what you're saying, that your partner's there to help that process. They're not responsible for it, but they're there to assist.

And with the right level of compassion and kindness, they might be able to provide that invitation for you to expand yourself and to finally move past some of those things. And that's why the conversation on red flags is one we have to be really careful about, because it's easy to keep, like, throwing out red flags. And that's why I had some fun at the beginning of the Red Flags chapter with, like, if you dish out every red flag possible, you wouldn't date anybody. And, by the way, you would be undateable. So at a certain point, you have.

To say, I need a more mature.

Way of going into this, by the way that I relate to someone. That's why I say this book, really, at its core, it's not just about finding love. It's about building your confidence, but it's also about relational intelligence. When you bring relational intelligence to a situation, you're not. This is like, in a way, like love life. I don't know. Mastery is not the right word for it, but you'll get what I mean is not just, I'm on the hunt for someone amazing, It's, I'm someone who helps people become amazing. When people are around me, they become better versions of themselves. Now, some people will rise to that in profound ways, and other people won't be able to. And that's okay. Those aren't going to be the people I continue to give my time and energy to. But, man, when I think of what I love about, like, mine and Audrey's marriage now, which is crazy, I started writing this book single.

I heard you say that you like my fiance. As I'm writing in this. And as you go further, it's like.

My wife and I hadn't even when I started writing this book, I was writing as a single person. So it's. I didn't even know Audrey when I started writing this book and I finished editing it on my honeymoon. And that is not coincidence. That is a result of like, the things I talk about in this book is not just work I'm doing with other people. It's the deeper work I've done on myself and it's what's enabled me to have the relationship I do now. But, you know, the thing I love most about mine and Audrey's relationship is that we're genuinely. We have helped each other become such better versions of ourselves. And when we start looking at life like that, in a way that's like ultimate ownership is I'm going to not just bring out the best in myself, I'm going to be the kind of force, through my compassion and my standards, that brings out the best in other people. And then the pull actually starts to get larger. We're constantly hearing this rhetoric of the pool getting smaller, but when you do that, the pool actually gets larger. And I should say that I think when we do this kind of work on ourselves, we start to become more compassionate towards other people. You ever heard it? You know, people in like self development circles, they say a lot like, oh, I, you know, now that I'm doing all this self growth work, it just feels like there's so few people out there for me because I'm doing all this work on myself and I. And this, the subtext to it is I'm so awesome now everyone else sucks and I don't. I think in many ways I understand what they're saying, but I think in some ways the opposite is true. That the more I have the greatest work I've done in my life is not the work I've done to optimize my life and become so awesome. The greatest work I've done in my life is the work I've done to accept the parts of myself that I thought no one would accept and to make space for them and to view myself holistically and to not carry all this shame and guilt and feeling like I'm not good enough or I'm not lovable. Like making space for myself as everything that I am has become the most important work that I have done for myself. And when we do that work for ourselves, it can't help but make us make more space for other people. Because when you start to view yourself more compassionately, you also start to view others more compassionately. Naturally you stop judging others so much because when you've connected with the moment where you may have looked crazy but behind it was a scared part of you that needed love, or when someone else does something that the cheap thing to do would be to call it crazy, you're able to see the scared person behind it that just really needs love. And I think that opens up the world in terms of who who you can love and who you can bring out the best in.

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