In this YouTube monologue, relationship coach Matthew Hussey argues that the popular notion of "unconditional love" in intimate partnerships is a myth and, in fact, a harmful concept. He contends that true love is conditional, built on mutual effort, respect, and teamwork rather than an all‑accepting, guilt‑inducing stance. Hussey illustrates the dangers of unconditional love by citing scenarios such as staying with an abusive or cheating partner, describing it as a "prison" that forces people to remain in toxic dynamics. He proposes a healthier model: viewing a relationship as a two‑person team that continuously nurtures, supports, and impresses each other. He suggests daily reflective questions—what am I doing for my partner today? how am I contributing to their growth?—as a practical way to maintain this conditional, effort‑based love. Hussey concludes that love is always based on conditions we observe in a partner, and when those conditions disappear, the relationship should be re‑evaluated rather than clung to under the banner of unconditional love. He invites viewers to discuss the idea on social media and directs them to his website and Twitter.
Chapters
Matthew Hussey here from Love Life. Today we are talking about the subject of unconditional love. You know, love as a concept on its own is thrown around a lot and there's a lot of that I think we all agree is very superficial and overused. But when it comes to unconditional love, it's even more of a sensitive subject because when people find someone they really love, They start to tell each other things like I love you unconditionally. You know, that's how I feel about you. I love you unconditionally. I'm gonna put together a slightly controversial case right now and the case I want to put forward is that within intimate relationships, unconditional love doesn't really exist. I just lost half my audience. They... Unconditional love doesn't really exist. Let me explain that. I'm not just someone who thinks that it doesn't exist. I actually don't want to believe that unconditional love exists. I'm actually in the camp of people that think that if unconditional love exists, it would be a terrible thing. And the reason I say that is because the whole point of an intimate relationship is spending your life with someone that you have an unbelievable connection with and someone who really tries for you. A teammate. That to me is, I mean, if you really want my thing, my idea of a relationship, it's teamwork. It's two people that look after each other. It's two people that nurture each other. It's two people that are there for each other. It's a team. It's the best team in the world. It's an unstoppable team. It's two people that can count on each other every day. To me that doesn't fit with the idea of unconditional love. Unconditional love appears to suggest that no matter what someone does to you, you'll still love them. You'll still be in that same place with them. You'll still be committed to them. I don't know many relationships I've ever heard of like that. I challenge you to name one. I challenge you to name a relationship where the love was absolutely 100% unconditional, where no matter what those two people did to each other, they stayed together. And there are two ways I'd look at this. Firstly, if someone leaves, some people say, well, I left the person because I couldn't be with them, but I still love them. Well, okay, but it's kind of a conditional love because you left them. You might still love them underneath, but you didn't love them enough to stay because they weren't treating you right. They weren't doing the right things. If someone cheated on you every day for the rest of your life, could you unconditionally love them? Would you still be there? I don't think so. I don't think that's... Unconditional love in that sense seems like this awful prison that no matter what someone does to you, you still have to remain there. You know, unconditional love fades away quite quickly when you talk to someone about an abusive marriage. You know, if the man was abusive towards the woman, would you expect her to unconditionally love him? No. But what if she said, I unconditionally love you, it would quite quickly turn from something romantic into this horrible masochistic tendency to stay in something that was truly harmful. See, to me, unconditional love is an extremely dangerous concept. It makes people feel guilty in situations where they shouldn't feel guilty, where they should feel entitled to leave, where they should feel entitled to say, you know what? You don't care about me. You don't do enough for me. You're not trying in this relationship anymore. I can't be here. It makes people feel feel bad for leaving because they feel like the real notion of romance is unconditional love. I don't believe that's romantic. To me, what's romantic is two people who try for each other. To me, what's romantic is a relationship where two people never stop trying to impress each other. That to me is beautiful and I think that's the key to a relationship by the way. Never stop trying to impress your partner. Wake up every morning and say what am I doing for my partner today? How am I surprising them? How am I being slightly unpredictable today? How am I giving to them today? How am I helping them grow today? The answer to those questions should always be something you can come up with. And by the way, you should always be able to answer yes to some of those questions for your partner. When you say, what's my partner doing to impress me today? What's my partner doing to surprise me today? What's my partner doing today to show me they're trying? What's my partner doing today to contribute towards my growth? What's my partner doing to contribute towards the growth of our relationship today? If the answer is nothing, If the answer is no to too many of those questions, too many days in a row, that's not a relationship you should be in. We all know that we have days that we're not on form. We all know that in some relationships there are weeks or even months where you go through a patch. You know, relationships go through seasons. But if you ask the question every morning, what is my partner doing to contribute towards my happiness? And the answer is nothing. Every day for too many days in a row, Then that's not a relationship that you should be in and certainly not one you should apply this concept of unconditional love to. The truth is, I mean look, let's even, let's turn this argument on its head. When you first meet someone, what makes you love them? Do you go in just loving them unconditionally? The moment you see them, you suddenly go, I love you unconditionally. No. Why do you decide you want to love them unconditionally? Because they do things. There are certain things they do, there are certain traits they have, habits they have, there are certain ways of being that make you say, I love this person. In that sense, you already based your unconditional love for that person on conditions you saw in the first place. So the only way unconditional love works is if it was unconditional to begin with. If it's based on conditions, well, what happens if they lose those conditions? What if they lose those traits? What if they stop doing those things for you that made them want to love you, made you want to love them unconditionally? The whole point is between people who meet each other, who have a relationship, love is conditional. That's the whole point. We stay there because we know every day we make a decision to stay there. Every day we know that on some level that person makes our life better. And the moment that that's not true. And the moment that person isn't contributing to your life and that relationship isn't making you happy, I think that we're in a prison when we align ourselves to that concept of unconditional love and it prevents us from demanding what we actually deserve. Let me know what you think. Let me know if you agree. Let me know if you disagree. I would love to hear your thoughts. Lovelife on Twitter and follow me @matthewhussy if you want to see my videos go to howtogettheguy.com I will see you there on my blog. Take care.
