The ONE Thing You Must Remember BEFORE You Go Running Back To Him - Matthew Hussey, Get The Guy

Hello, everybody. This is Matthew Hussie with Love Life. We have a caller on the line today.

Are you there, caller?

Hey, how you doing? I'm good. Thank you.

What's your name, lovely?

I'm Tika. Hi, Tika.

Are you having a good day? so far so good. I'm so excited to talk to you.

Like, I'm so nervous. It's crazy. well, that's okay. I'm nervous, too, because I hope that.

You have a question that I'm going to be able to answer.

I hope so, too, but I have full confidence in you. Well, I'm glad you do. That's already helping me. So what's your question?

I've been in a four year relationship with a guy who's eight years older than me. I'm 25 and he's 33. And I'm more financially stable than he is by a lot. And he's just been kind of dragging his feet the entire relationship. And so I called things off on Sunday, but I'm just kind of having, Second thoughts about the decision that I made.

He's dragging his feet in what way? He doesn't want to commit?

Well, he's committed, but it's not going anywhere.

So he doesn't want to commit to something more like marriage or kids? Is that what you're saying?

Yeah, I'm not ready for the kids yet, but to know that it's going somewhere. Would be nice.

Would he talk about marriage or he would just avoid the subject?

No, he would talk about it, but, you know, and he even told me, yeah, Tika, I bought you a ring, but I'm like, why would you tell me that if you're not gonna give it to me?

Right.

So you had been dating for four years. What's the real issue here? Because look, if someone tells you, I have every intention of marrying you.

But.

You still feel like there's something wrong. Then it's not, then there's something deeper than his words going on. So what do you feel fundamentally was wrong with that relationship? If you could really simplify it, what would you simplify it to? Because I think what happens is we get very, very elaborate about our reasons for leaving a relationship. We feel the need almost to build a case about why we shouldn't be in that relationship. And we have all these different reasons why. But the reality is most of us don't leave a relationship because of 20 different reasons. We just do that to justify it to ourselves. Most of us leave a relationship because of one or two fundamental truths or feelings about that relationship. What is that fundamental truth for you?

I think I put more effort in it than he did. And I felt like I wasn't so much a priority.

So your question is, what, did you do the right thing?

Yeah.

What do you think without my validation? What do you think really?

I think I did simply because I'm thinking about me now and not so much him and his feelings because he's not really thinking about me or my feelings. So in that respect, I think I did the right thing. But I feel bad because I'm not the type of person to just be in a relationship for what somebody does for me or what they have, you know?

No, but there's a difference between being in a relationship for purely selfish reasons, where you want someone to do these things for you and being in a relationship for a mutual standard and level of respect that you have for each other, where you say, I want to give you the world, but I also expect you to want to give me the world. I expect you to want to really meet me halfway and Invest in this relationship. In other words, there's a difference between someone saying, I need you to do all of these things for me and saying, I need you to truly invest in our relationship, because that's what I'm prepared to do. Isn't that true?

Yes.

I think you already know it's the right decision. I can't tell you it's the right decision because that would be irresponsible of me. I obviously don't know your relationship. I don't know the guy. But I think you know that you made the right decision. And I think right now you're just scared. And I think that's completely human and understandable because most of us are scared when we leave a relationship. And that fear leads us to question all of our reasons for doing something. And let me tell you something, you might get more scared. Yeah, right. You did this when? How long ago was it?

Sunday.

Sunday. So this is really fresh. It might get worse before it gets better. And that's okay too. That's something to be expected instead of when it does get worse thinking, oh my God, I've made the wrong decision. Actually, you might just get scared because that's what happens when we leave a relationship. We get scared. We get vulnerable. We get territorial over them all of a sudden because we don't want them to be anyone else's, even though we don't think they're right for us. We start to make the relationship in our minds better than it actually was because we're lonely and because no one else has come along yet that is better than the person we were with. Maybe no one's come along at all. And we start saying, oh my God, maybe I've thrown away something that I'm not gonna replace. But you'll replace it, Tika. This guy, you'll find someone better. And I don't mean someone better in the sense of you're gonna find a much better man or whatever. I'm not, you know, sometimes people get a bit caught up in saying you just need to find someone who's a better person. But the reality is you need to find someone who's better for you. Someone who is a guy that you actually want to spend your life with is someone who's going to invest in you. It's someone who it won't be this difficult. You have to know that, that when it's the person that you should spend your life with, It won't be this difficult. You won't have to think this hard. And I'm not suggesting that the relationships we spend our lives in are perfect. I'm not saying they don't have things that we want to work on. But you can work on things from your side. You can't work on his stuff for him. You can't work on him putting in more effort. or him showing you that he's really investing in this relationship. That's not something you can work on. So if you've tried with this guy, and right now it just fundamentally seems like he's not willing to put the investment into the relationship that you need him to, the chances are that's not going to get better. It's. He's not suddenly gonna change that. And I. I truly, I. I believe that there is someone out there for you, and more likely many people out there for you, that will be so much more right for you because not only will you be attracted to them and think they're great, but they'll also be willing to give you the investment that you want. And I think to convince yourself that you've made a mistake simply because you're afraid to lose someone that you care about, because I'm sure you care about him. and I'm sure you'll miss him, right? That's the thing that people don't tell us when we break up with people. When someone breaks up with us, everyone plays the violin for us, right?

Yeah.

Everyone's like, oh my God, you must be so heartbroken. It must be so difficult. When we break up with someone, everyone just assumes we're fine. But the reality is you're hurting. You will miss the guy because if there weren't things you liked about him and if you didn't care in certain ways, you wouldn't be feeling any pain right now. The fact that you like him and the fact that you care about him is why you feel some pain. But that pain and liking him and caring about him and finding him attractive in certain ways, none of that makes him the guy that you should spend your life with. You need more than that. And I know that you will find more than that. But you have to be strong enough now If you know that, you know what, I've been trying with this guy and he's just not... Fundamentally, again, you can list 10 reasons why he's not right for you, but if you boil it down to the fundamental truth that someone I'm going to spend my life with is not someone I need to persuade to invest in me or to look out for my needs. If you remember that always, then you'll always know that there is someone better coming for you.

Deep.

Yeah.

What you have to do, Tika, is you have to write that down somewhere where you're going to see it every day. Because I'll tell you this right now, in practical terms, I can tell you this now, but an hour from now, you might suddenly get lonely. And in that moment, you may not hear my voice. What you may have in your mind is that experience with him that you really enjoyed. You might start thinking about all the positive things you experienced with him and the fun times you were having and you might suddenly get very, very sad and depressed. And in that moment, the thing you need more than anything else is a reminder of your reason for doing it in the first place. So I would take, you know, take your phone, Take out a little note in there somewhere that is always going to be in your pocket. And while you're feeling this, because I know right now you're probably feeling a little more relieved about your decision, right?

Yeah.

So while you feel this feeling of relief and while you feel more at peace, capture that feeling, write it down, write down why this reason is so important. Don't write down 20 different reasons because the reality is If you write down reasons that don't make enough sense or reasons that aren't strong enough, you'll start crossing them off when you go to read them again and be like, oh, but that doesn't matter that much. That one doesn't matter that much. Oh, God, I've made the wrong decision. Instead, write a note with the fundamental truth that we've talked about and why you know that someone better is coming and why the relationship you want wouldn't be this hard. And I want you to write that down, capture it, and then every time you feel this feeling, go back to that note. Okay?

Yeah, that's a good idea.

It ain't gonna be easy, Tika. Let's live in the real world, right? We don't get off the, you know, the thing, the reason I love the callers that we have and the advice that we give is because we don't sugarcoat things. And the reality is that you don't get off this call and the credits roll and everything's great. Right, you get off this call and you're going to feel some pain going forward. But don't let the pain convince you that it was wrong. Instead, just understand that pain is a necessary part of this process. You're going to feel it. It's completely human. We all feel it at times. It is really, really hard even to lose the wrong person at times.

Right?

It's really hard. And understanding that you can be in this much pain not because they're the right person, but just because you cared about them and you're able to love and what a great thing that is. Understanding that is a fundamental distinction because then you will not fall into the trap that many people fall into, which is, well, if I feel this much pain, he must have been right for me. That's absolutely a lie. And many people feel pain just because they're lonely, because they're scared, and because they're worried someone else won't come along. And that's not the same thing as feeling the pain because they were right for you and you lost the right person. Always remember that distinction and you're going to be okay.

Okay.

Tika, thank you so much for calling in. I really appreciate it. You're brave and honest and I love it. So thank you.

Thank you. I appreciate it. I'm so happy I got to talk to you.

Me too. Me too. Keep me up to date and stay strong. I know it's not easy and no one can take that pain away for you. But we can at least be a team in getting through it, can't we?

Yes, we can.

All right, Tika, I'll speak to you soon. And thank you everyone else for being out there and listening to our beautiful caller. And I know so many of you will relate to that. If you have a question about any part of your life, doesn't even have to be your love life, could be anything, call in 844-204-6288. That's 844-6288. 204 Matt. And if you're not on my Facebook right now, go to facebook.com/coachmatthewhussy. I'll speak to you soon.