Matthew Hussey argues that real closure isn't an explanation from someone who hurt you. It's their disinterest. He explains how we sabotage ourselves by investing in imagined futures, how breadcrumbing drains you differently than ghosting, and why dumping someone dependent on outcomes matters more than waiting for answers.
So how long was that Facebook Live? That was just under an hour. Once you've got those scripts, you can change them. You don't need to stick to them. You can change them, you can make them your own. I put to you in your love life, of course, there are so many things that are about just being yourself, but there's also an awful lot that's about understanding what to do, the right thing to say, the thing to say that will make you endearing versus seem aggressive. And because. Because you know what to say, you'll get a different result. You've had quite a week. Do you ever get tired of talking about relationships? Thank you so much for taking this call today. We're very excited about you coming tomorrow. What would you like to talk about here? Well, one of the things that I've been talking about recently, I've been having a little rant about Fifty Shades Darker. Since I'm coming on your show as a host this time, I feel it polite to make sure I have the tone that you guys are looking for. That's all. Yeah, no, 100%. If you were just inviting me on for a segment, I wouldn't mind blowing it up. I'm here with strategies to help us navigate our way to a loving relationship. Please welcome best selling author, dating expert, and my new best friend, and yours too, Matthew Hussing. That sums up the problem with so many relationships is people make. I call it the one day wager. One day this person will turn out to be what I've always wanted them to be. And the wager I make is my time, my emotions, my energy, my intimacy. Every part of me I'm gonna give you in the hope that one day you'll have the qualities I want you to have. You'll be generous, not selfish. You'll want kids instead of what you're saying now, which is you don't. You'll commit on a serious level instead of just stringing me along. One day you'll become that. And the one day wager is the greatest gamble you can make for because it wastes years. Here's what this show is today. Dump your guy today. That's what we should make this about. You thought I came here to get people a boyfriend? I thought you realized that's according to my notes. Dump your boyfriend. That's my philosophy. If you're making that bet, then get rid of him. As I said, he's a very, very quiet individual and does not really speak his mind. The most dangerous point in any interaction is when we decide we really like someone because that's when our standards go out of the wind. When you don't like someone, you're fun, you're charming, you're charismatic, you have standards, you draw boundaries. As soon as you like someone, all of that goes out of the window. Why does that happen? It's because there are stakes. And when there's stakes, that's when all of a sudden we get nervous. It's like a job interview. The job interview you don't want. You're amazing. The job you want. That's when all of a sudden you seize up because you actually care about the outcome. And half of dating is divorcing ourselves from the outcome. We have to get rid of outcome dependency. When's Marilyn Dennis done? This morning. Oh, this morning. How'd it go? Yeah, it was good. Really good, actually. And actually, we just got a really cool plug on Elvis. Nate sent it to me. It was basically a guy who said, called in to say, I just want to thank Matthew Hussey and thank you for introducing me to him. I met my fiance because of the advice he gave on the show, and we're getting married now and blah, blah. And they spent like three minutes just talking about, you know, me and what we do. And then Elvis was like, he's coming. He's coming in on Friday. Do you think Dylan's is going to happen? Do people go out in this? I know how hard it is to get people to an event when the weather's like this. It's really tough. We sold out in two hours. Two hours. Wow. Here's what we have to understand. The landscape of dating has changed a little. I don't think people have changed. I think everyone talks about. People are so different these days. People haven't changed. They're the same. The landscape's changed a little bit. We bend over backwards to please the person we like and we accept bad behavior. And bad behavior isn't always someone outwardly disrespecting you. It can just be someone who never makes an effort. It could just be someone who always brings you to their side of town. And it could be someone who's not thoughtful. It can be someone who's not investing in you, but we accept it because we think the landscape is so bad right now. And here's the danger. Someone invests less, so we invest more. Breadcrumbing, we find, is when you're in a relationship or a quasi relationship with someone, you're trying to figure it out. And they send you mainly through text, these messages that Just kind of keep you hanging on, but that's it. I think breadcrumbing is more dangerous than ghosting. Breadcrumbing occupies your mental and emotional space. It's ongoing. It's ongoing. The danger people don't realize is it's not that someone's occupying your personal physical space because usually the person who's breadcrumbing you is not there. Right. They're doing it once a week, once every two weeks, and they're not even spending time with you. But emotionally, you're spending time with that person. You're thinking about them, they send you a message, and then for the next week you're thinking about them and you're not going out and meeting other people. So it's just a colossal waste of time. And Kara, actually, you found Matthew through your travels because you were going through your tough time over the last couple of weeks. Yeah. Been going through a breakup and discovered this guy online and he gave me some of the best advice I've ever heard. Kyra, I'm so sorry that you've had to go through that because that's. That's really. I mean, you know, that situation is devastating. So I know that must be a really. A really tough thing to have to deal with. Well, firstly, there's always going to be a grieving process. You know, there's no getting around that. So there's an element to a breakup which is just acceptance. Just because it hurts, it doesn't mean that it's the wrong thing. You know, many of us go back to somebody because it hurts when we break up with them. Not realizing that the pain is just something we need to get over. It's part of the teething process of breaking up with someone. It's not a sign that they were right for us after all. And we need to go back there because I feel like when we do lose somebody, closure is something we look for. You know, why didn't he call? Why didn't he text me back? And the thing that I was talking about, I've been talking about this with my brother recently. I've been talking with Jameson about it. Is closure is so, so overrated. Disinterest is closure. That's it. If someone's not interested in you, that's closure. You've had quite a week. Do you ever get tired of talking about relationships? Not, no. Certain questions, yes. Like, why didn't he call? That gets boring. But relationships, no, because relationships are life, you know, that's people. And everything is relationships. The relationships between things. The relationships between different ideas. And that's all we do, Jameson. All we do is talk about ideas. We get billed as, oh, this is a dating expert, or this is a love life expert, or whatever, which are horrible titles, but really it's just people talking about ideas, hopefully in a way that helps. How could you get bored of that?
