The Signs You’re Entering a Narcissistic Relationship

That'S where the disaster begins, because you're all you're doing is looking at the things you find attractive. You're not looking at the fundamental qualities that are missing in this person. And you're hoping that one day those things will arrive. The closer you get to someone, the more ability they have to distort reality. Right. They They know how to make you feel like what this is kind of like con men in general, right? And women.

Con people.

Con people. It does really feel like conning comes more from the male direction, but there are female con people. Con women. A con person. I'm gonna say con man. Con person sounds better.

Con artist. Con artist.

Con artist. That makes it sound too glamorous. A con artist knows how to distort reality. They know how to make you think that what's going on is normal or plausible. And it's all about the kind of distraction from what's really going on so that you don't just look at the facts and go, this doesn't make sense. Why is my bank calling me out of the blue at midnight to have a chat about my account? Like this doesn't make sense. But it's all about trying to create plausibility. And when someone turns out to be a disaster, usually, well, a lot of the time what happens, especially with narcissistic people, they distort reality until the point where everything starts to fall apart. And even then, you can find yourself in a situation where you're so deep in that even as it's falling apart, you're still trying to, like, duct tape it together yourself because you just can't bear how much you've put up with and dealt with and invested if this turns out to all be nonsense. So now you become complicit in the con. 'cause you don't want it to be the case. Sorry to interrupt the video, but if you're watching this and your love life is a priority for you this year, you want to meet your person. I have a free training called Dating With Results that is gonna help you do that and you can watch it right now. All you need to do to sign up is go to datingwithresults.com I'll see you over there and now let's get back to the video. In the beginning, some people are very good at reality distortion. and that's why there have to be ways to just take facts and hold them up to the light of day. And that can be by talking to family, it can be by talking to friends, it could be by talking to experts. But when those people point out that those facts held up to the light are clearly there is something really wrong with them. That's when you have to be brave enough to actually listen and humble enough to actually listen. Because what tends to happen with people who turn out to be disasters and distort our reality is that our desire to want to meet and find a person is the strongest thing going on. And so we begin to isolate ourselves from the very people that could actually say something honest about those facts. We start hiding the facts. We don't tell them things. And when it's too hard not to tell them things in their company, we just start avoiding their company. And gradually, gradually, we can find ourselves getting deeper and deeper into a situation because we've We've closed the blinds on any potential light that could be shed on the situation. So be aware of your instincts. Even if your radar, your compass for knowing the wrong thing, isn't great right now. There's usually a secondary instinct to not show things to people around you who might have a better compass. and an instinct to withdraw so that you can still have this thing that's meeting some of your needs, but ultimately is going to turn out to be really catastrophic in your life. If you're aware of those kinds of biases and instincts, you don't even have to suddenly have a great compass for people. You just need to take away the instincts to shut yourself off to other great compasses. and not listen to the things that they're telling you.

Yeah, more perspectives gives you more truth.

Did you watch the show Pam and Tommy?

Yes.

It's just interesting because so often with, I mean that's very much probably how you could describe that relationship where it was like Tommy Lee or Pamela Anderson really knew she had a bad thing for bad boys and then Tommy Lee comes in like the ultimate bad boy and still sweeps her off her feet and she kind of knowingly falls into it. But it's just so perfect that that happened in a celebrity type situation, because celebrities get in these kind of situations because there's no one in their life to just kind of like check them.

Yeah.

You know? So it's a very isolating kind of thing. You can see why that toxicity happens in that circumstance. But yeah, if you have that, if you have more of those compasses, I think that's a really beautiful framework.

And that's an interesting example because in that situation, I think if I remember right, the first scene of them meeting is him Being like a disaster. A really obnoxious person in a club and, you know, kind of coming over to her with absolutely no regard for her friends, very like obnoxiously direct. It's not, there's no conscientiousness at all involved in anything he does. And it's all about, like, he's the, you know, what he wants there is the most important thing in the room. And she finds it exciting because he's bald and he's direct and it feels sexy, but she's ignoring the absence of all of these things that would make someone a kind, conscientious, good human being. in that situation. Now, you can have someone who's direct and bold and all of those things, but those other qualities better show up. And if you're ignoring them, that's where the disaster begins. 'Cause all you're doing is looking at the things you find attractive. You're not looking at the fundamental qualities that are missing in this person. And you're hoping that one day those things will arrive, and they won't, of course.

You know what I also think is I sometimes, this is a bit of a bold statement to make, but I sometimes think people who are the most charismatic and the most kind of magnetic have learnt that behaviour in order to hide the fact that they're actually a disaster. A lot of people who are kind of more level-headed, you know, consistent, actually probably have the right materials to make you happy. They have a quiet confidence about them that doesn't announce itself in the same way that, for instance, Tommy and Pam and Tommy does. And I sometimes think when you meet people like that who are just so, oh my God, that person, they were amazing. They were so exciting, so interesting, so funny, so this, so that. It's kind of a learned behavior to sort of mask an insecurity and a lack, I think.

Completely agree with that.

As a magnetic charismatic person, I don't know if I'm agree with that. One thing I was going to say.

Apart from you, apart from you.

One thing, I'm joking. One thing I was going to say, yeah, our friend, well, not our friend, our intellectual friend, let's say John Gottman, who does great research on relationships. Look at frequency. How often is someone their kind, conscientious, helpful self? Because some people will cling on to that person who is 10% of the time that and they go, Look, it's there in them, I've seen it. But John Gottman says the relationship's defined by how frequent does it happen. If they get drunk, act like a disaster and they're a mess three times a week, that's a hell of a lot of times to deal with. A drunken, terrible mess.

Yeah, it's almost, it's interesting. It's almost the antithesis of what, who is it? Robert Greene says when Robert Greene said, heard him say, no one ever does anything once. If someone does something, assume it's a pattern because no one ever does anything once. And that's kind of a pretty good rule. in general, to apply to negative things, although, you know, I would hate for that rule to be applied to me in my life because it offers little redemption for the worst moments of our lives or the things that we wish we hadn't done. But it can be quite a dangerous rule when applied to positive things.

Right.

If you use that as hope.

Yeah. If you say this person did this thing on a date, so I'm going to assume that's who they are. that can be quite dangerous because it doesn't factor in consistency in that thing. That's where people overvalue a great date or a very beautiful thing that someone did for them. But they don't look at the fact that actually the rest of the time this person is unkind or abusive or, you know, unfeeling or selfish. A lot of relationships are fueled by a couple of good acts a year.

Or a really great face.

Yes, but at least that's consistent. Thanks so much for watching. If you haven't already, go check out my free training, Dating With Results. If finding your person is a priority for you this year, if your love life is something that you are sick and tired of waiting on, you want it to happen now so that you can enjoy it, go to datingwithresults.com it is a free that gives you a roadmap. Go check it out at www.datingwithresults.com.