“The Text Message That Made Me Commit . . .”
Matthew Hussey shares a text exchange with his now-wife that taught him how to call out mismatched effort in relationships without shame. He gives scripts for naming inconsistencies like active dating profiles and starting exclusivity talks, stressing that clarity and consistency matter more than being nice.
Chapters
I think a lot of people shy away, especially in their love life, but I think this broadens out to their entire lives will back away from hard conversations. At least one reason is because they don't know the right words.
Yes.
And they're afraid. And you know, if you are in a long term relationship, you're like, if I say a lot, it's all going to erupt and you know what I mean, Then you're afraid of what's going to come back. Most of us don't have instruction on that. And so I think one of the great things that you do is help us. So I actually want to start with some hypotheticals, but can we talk about how your beautiful, amazing wife Audrey actually did this when you all first met each other?
So sick of talking about I don't. Everything this woman did. Right.
Yes. Well, we're going to go there because.
I think it's a perfect example. She's. When I went back to Los Angeles after having met Audrey, I then started to drift and we weren't in a relationship. We were just two people that liked each other. And we would text and then gradually my texts became more and more sparse and eventually I think it had been a couple of weeks, it had already been a bit sparse. And then it had been a couple of weeks since we'd spoken and I sent her a message that said either. I can't remember which, it either said, I miss you or I'm thinking of you. And she sent me a message back that said, hey, I hope you're well. To be honest, when you send me things like that, I don't really know what to say. Which is a great start. I don't really want to say. Yeah, I'm confused is what that line says. She said, we haven't really been that close for a while now. And rightly or wrongly, this message comes across as a bid for attention that stung firstly because it was true. But if you look at that, it's when she says we haven't been that close for a while now, what that's pointing out is that the intimacy of what I just sent or the affection of what I just sent is completely out of sync with the temperature of our dynamic. If things have cooled down because you've not really been messaging or being that responsive. So things have cooled down and now you're sending me a hot message. I don't really know what to say to that because we haven't been that close for a while now. Then when she said, rightly or wrongly, it comes across this message comes across as a bid for attention. That, that even. That is a very like, powerful language structure. Because what you're saying is I might be wrong. Yes. In. In which case, like, it's almost like the subtext is, you're more than welcome to prove me wrong.
Yes.
But rightly or wrongly, it comes across as a bid for attention. She didn't say you're being an attention seeker who's non committal and blah, blah, blah, full of. She said it comes across as a bid for attention. I might be wrong, but that's how it's reading. And when you send that it for me, immediately I was like, I caught myself. And not everyone will be this self aware. Some people will. Or some people will catch themselves and then double down and try and like win you over in that moment. Which is something you have to be very careful of when you set a standard is that if someone tries 10 times harder to win you over right now, you can't get too excited about that because that might be for them, just a way of bringing you back in. It's about consistency. It's kind of. It's almost like you have to be able to say to someone, it doesn't matter what you do today, you can, if you want to, pick up the phone and call me, hey, let's have a nice conversation. It'd be nice to chat, but there's nothing you can do today that is going to suddenly make me go back to the temperature we had three weeks ago or two months ago or six months ago. That's a temperature I'm going to come back to slowly. Because of your consistency from this point forward, very, very important. If someone can just come back and rush you with a bunch of affection and then you suddenly come straight back up to where you were before then I know, oh, that's all it.
That's all it takes.
All it takes.
Yeah.
And by the way, the other thing you can't do is if I went cold on her, if I was like. Because this is what actually happened. I did. And I think this is really, really important for people. I did not go, oh, my God, I'm such an idiot. Let's be together. I went, oh, I. I am being an attention seeker right now. I don't have any more to give, so I'm gonna back off.
Did you actually text that or that's what was going through your head?
Like, how did you remember why I texted? I. But it was, I think it was. I probably wasn't a very exciting response right I think it was just like there was a. Some version of I got it. Yeah. Like, and I. And I genuinely backed off. And I also learned, oh, I can't. I can't do that with this person. Like, I. And again, there was nothing malicious in it, but it's just, I'm. Right now I'm being. I was just doing something for me because I wanted to. I was feeling lonely or I wanted a hit of connection, but I can't do that here. Yeah, she wants something different than I am providing.
Yes.
What she didn't do is on day three of me, leaving it alone. Go. So what are you up to today? Because that's the other mistake people make is, oh, it didn't work. You backed off. I miss you. So I'm now going to text you. And all someone learns there is that, oh, this, this was not a standard you had. It was a tactic, guys, too many of you have not yet tried. Matthew AI. I even hear from people still who don't realize that Matthew AI exists. This is my digital mind that you can text or, or call and hear my voice speaking back to you 24 hours a day. So you can literally wake up in the middle of the night feeling confused, anxious, heartbroken, lonely, wanting to work on your confidence and call me and have a conversation with me as your coach answering your questions. All you need to do to try it is go to askmh.com you can try it for free. Ask a few questions and see what you think of its answers. I know you're going to love it. It blows people's minds. That link again is askmh.com I'm gonna.
Give you a few hypotheticals.
Okay.
And see if anything comes to mind. So you catch the person you're dating in a lie. They told you they were not interested in seeing other people, but you see that, that dating profile, it is still active on the apps. What do you say?
I think just pointing out the discrepancy between what you're seeing and what they've said is really valuable. Like, hey, I. I've. It's made me feel strange. Strange is a good word.
Strange is a good word, isn't it?
Yeah.
Because it's not neutrality to it in a way. It's not accusatory and most of us can associate with it.
Yeah, exactly. It's made me feel strange.
You.
I know you said you weren't interested in seeing other people, but you're still active on the dating app and it's made me, you know, I. It's made me feel strange, and it's made me feel a little unsafe because I've been. You know, I'm very conscious about who I give my energy to. Oh. And I've been giving, like, some of my best energy to you on the basis that we're actually giving this a try. And that doesn't mean we have to know what it is right now or whatever, but it. You know, I'm. I'm going on the basis that we're actually seeing what this could be. And I'm taking you at your word that you aren't interested in seeing other people. If that's not the case, that's okay. It's not a crime for you to want to see other people. But I really need to know that so I can reevaluate what I'm giving to this situation. That is what I like about that is.
It's.
It's all you. It's all your power. Yeah. It's. There's nothing about it that's saying to someone, like, I'm waiting for you, or, you know, I don't know what to do about this, or, I'll take whatever scraps you give me is. What it's saying is what I have to offer is very valuable. So I'm very careful about who I give it to. And I need to know if it's. Firstly, it's okay if you want to see other people. That's valuable. Right. Because it's not. You're not judging them.
Correct.
You're not turning them into a villain. Yep. You're saying it's totally okay if you want to see other people. I respect that. But I need to know if that's what you're really feeling, because it would make me reevaluate what I'm giving to this and the energy I'm putting into it. So that. That's. I think it would be a powerful frame to come from. I love that.
Okay. You ready to keep going? I got lots of these. Because I got lots of them. Okay. Okay. So let's say you've been casually seeing someone, but you don't know where you both stand. It's like that exclusivity kind of convo. How would you start opening that up to ask?
There's a number of ways you could do that. You know, one of them is, look, I'm. I'm. I. I'm having such a great time with you. So much fun. So much fun every time we're together. But I realized recently, I don't. When people Ask me out. I don't know what to tell them. You know, I don't have an answer because we haven't talked about, you know, what this is or whether we're really giving this, you know, a try to see what it is and then let it hang out there. Like, let them contribute to that.
That's big.
What do you think? Like, where. Where's your head with that? Where. Where is your head at with things? You know, it's. You're. You're inviting them to the conversation, and you're doing it from a point of view of, I'm not going to be on the market forever. I'm. You know, I realize if someone asked me out tomorrow, I wouldn't know what to say to them, you know, so again, you're not coming as a. You're not coming as a person asking for something. You're coming as a person saying, you know, I. I want to make sure I'm steering traffic. I'm directing traffic in the right way. And. And also a nice thing to do is to say, I feel like we have something really, like, that's been so much fun. I feel like we have something that's kind of cool. I know I wouldn't want to do anything that would harm that if it's leading somewhere that, you know, where we both want to see where it really goes. So, you know, I feel like it's worth us having that conversations because it's, you know, I. I don't want to. Yeah, I don't want to keep. I don't want to go into the rest of my love life doing anything or, you know, inviting in anyone that would harm this if. If this is going somewhere so good. And also a. Be intentional about, like, you know, the fact that you are actually. I'm. You can even do it at the point of intimacy, right? If someone's trying to sleep with you, you can say to someone, I always, always bring the warmth and the playfulness and the sexiness. Like, don't.
You don't have to tighten up and you don't have to write up an arm, go out.
It shouldn't be like, all of the fun's over right now because now we're having a hard conversation. It should be like, if someone's trying to have sex with you and you're like, in your mind, you're like, I don't want to do this. If it's just, right. Fun, right? Then say to someone, obviously, this. This between you and me would be amazing. Like, that much is clear. But I also know, for me, I'm, like, not in a place in my life where I want to do that with someone, where it's not actually, you know, because we really like each other and we want to see where it's going. If you're not in. If. If, you know, like, you don't want to see where it's going. Let's not do this. We'll just. We don't have to.
Yeah.
But, you know, that's important to me because I'm being really intentional in my love life. Yeah. That's a powerful place to come from. And there's no, like, sucking the air out of the room.
Yes.
By doing that, it's still, like, you're still. You're still nodding to the fact that obviously you're two very sexy people who will have a great time if and when they do this.
Yes. No, I love that. And I feel like these are such important life skills.
Know, they're really important.
Every conversation with anyone that you work with, any conversation. You're traveling, you're out in the world. Being able to broach into hard conversations from a space of curiosity, a space of invitation, space of keeping that playfulness really good.
You know, they're. They're. I want to acknowledge that they are. We call them hard conversations for a reason, because they require a little bravery.
Yes.
They get easier. They do get easier. The more you are willing to embrace the kinds of conversations that maybe you used to avoid, the more you will build that muscle and it won't feel like this. You're trying to lift this ton weight of anxiety every time, it gets easier. But in the beginning, you have to be brave. And the foundation for that bravery is being very clear about what's interesting to you and what's not interesting to you.
Yes.
You have to go in with a real sense of that. Otherwise you'll. You'll. You know, any pitch someone makes you, you're liable to buy because you just don't know. You don't. You haven't really decided ahead of time what's interesting and what's.
