They Say You’re ‘Too Much’… Do THIS When They Pull Away

Are there any ways that you see people kind of misusing or misunderstanding the word boundaries in dating specifically?

If we are all about what is best for me, are you making me happy? We're sort of missing the point.

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So I think of dating as almost a time of using, like, the utmost discernment. So dating is like an evaluative experience and not like you're constantly judging the other person, but you're kind of gathering information and data about them. Do I like how much they call? Do I like how much they text? Do they call when they say they're going to call? Like, that's a big one, right? Following through with what you say you're going to do. Where I see marriage as you're going to do everything you got to do to keep things close and connected. You want to turn down the judgment, turn down sort of the evaluation, and kind of be as easy on each other as possible. But in dating, how I'd want to approach that conversation is almost like a test case. If you aren't happy with how things are going, bring it up. And how do they respond? That is what. That is such an important thing to sort of check out before you deepen your commitment. I think one of the most important things about a partner in a dating relationship is that they're willing to grow into change And I don't mean change into another type of person, but they're willing to have their culture impacted, they're willing to expand and to learn new things, and they're open to growth. So if you bring up, hey, I wish you kind of called me a little bit more, and you're immediately met with defensiveness and pushback and what? You just are so needy. What's your problem? Get off my back. You know, that's information worth considering. And if you are not enjoying that experience in your dating life, I would be. It would be a red flag to me around what that looks like as you deepen your commitment.

To what extent do you think we should give people the benefit of the doubt? If, for example, if you had brought something like that up with your husband in dating, Yes. I have no idea how that would have gone. But if he didn't have those tools, he may have gotten defensive. He may have. How do you differentiate between what is a reflex response that shouldn't be taken too seriously versus a genuine red flag?

I mean, that's a kind of a complex question because it's. It's like in dating, you're kind of doing a character analysis, like, what is going on with this person? Because back when I had that conversation with my husband when we were dating, he would have. I mean, we've probably had that conversation. He would have been defensive. We were really young. So it's. It's getting to know all these different aspects of a person. So overall, was he a conscientious guy? Did he do what he said he was gonna do? Did he apologize when he did things that, you know, hurt me or show that he cared? Yeah, for the most part, yes. What did I see in terms of how his parents interacted or his family growing up experiences, like, where is he coming from? What's the culture he's going to bring into our relationship? So I feel like part of it is kind of like this in depth character analysis that you're sort of trying to parse out. What is a knee jerk, normal defense, which people. Defensiveness is normal. You know, that's a common thing. We all do it. And, and what is actually a bigger issue that's going to be really difficult to live with in a relationship. And I think, you know, one of the big things is what I said before, which is changeability and openness, openness to change. And it might come delayed, might come a little bit after that conversation. But I think also we have to sort of zoom out and gather information along the way. In the relationship. And look at what is the pattern or what is the picture it's painting of this person? Is there more good than bad? Are some of these things just skills, communication skills, conflict management skills that can be taught, that can be learned? Or is this more of a they just don't ever see my perspective. They just don't ever get in my shoes. That is something that is less changeable, and I'd have more red flags around that.

How do you help people distinguish a gut feeling that should be listened to from anxiety that comes from past experience having a, A nervous system that is flaring up? There are so many people who find themselves in a situation where they maybe are getting a strange feeling. Maybe someone's not texted them back. Maybe someone did something that their brain is telling them could be interpreted as danger, but they just don't know. And I think we've all had that situation before where we kind of, what we thought was our gut telling us something. It's very common to hear people go, oh, I should have listened to my gut. My gut was telling me something. But it's also true that sometimes we get this feeling deep down like, oh, this is. My gut's telling me something about this person. And we learn we were completely wrong or overreacted or were too harsh to in judging that person. How do you help people distinguish between their anxiety and their gut?

Yes. In dating.

In dating, I mean, in life, too.

But yeah, it does seem like it's, it's becoming even more of a thing in dating where there's a ton of anxiety, especially around, like, the texting back and, and things like that.

So, and I think even for people who maybe have been betrayed before, who are like, I. Because there's a past reality, there's a past reality there. And now they're, they're kind of, they don't trust themselves anymore. This person in front of me is doing something that, you know, is triggering me, but I don't know if that's me or if it's that they genuinely did something wrong.

Yes. Yeah, that is very tricky. And I think we're seeing more and more of that. I, I, there's a few things I think. One, you have, you sort of have to have a bit of, like, I don't know, there's just vulnerability and dating. It's just kind of scary putting yourself out there, especially if you've had a betrayal or some serious hurt. So you want to do it almost with a strategy or a plan, I think. And so you, I believe it's helpful to give people the benefit of the doubt. So let's put all conclusion drawing aside. They didn't text me back. I'm going to assume the best. I'm going to assume something happened, that something came up, their phone died, they dropped it in the toilet. I don't know. There's a million reasons why that could have happened. I'm going to assume the best, but I'm going to remember. I'm just going to mark this down, maybe write it down if you need to. If you're really unsure of how to, like, trust yourself, I'm going to remember it, but I'm going to assume the best and I'm going to wait and see what happens. And I, I think that, you know, in dating, it's almost like this. I don't want to, like, cheapen it. It's not a scientific approach, but in some ways, you're constantly kind of testing, seeing how this goes, gathering information and making adjustments. I think part of the way that you guard your heart is that you have to pace your attachment to that person. You want to keep that sort of in check. You don't want to, you know, really move quickly in your relationship, really fast, to the point where then you can't even discern, like, what is what. So if you guard your heart, you pace your attachment, then you can be a bit observational. You can kind of pay attention to some of these things and start to look for patterns. I think over time you'll figure out, you know, okay, my gut was right, like, there's something weird going on here. Or I kind of tend to, like, see the worst in people and go to the worst case scenarios when really I need to keep myself in check.

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Head over to cozyearth.com use that discount code Love life while it's available. Enjoy your bed sheets and stay cozy. What if someone has they're telling themselves in the moment. Okay, assume the best. They haven't texted me back. Don't go there. But then like nervous systems just, yeah, gone. They're now they're like no matter how many times I logically tell myself that I am, I have gone into this fearful place. How do you get your body to catch up to or even just calm down to. To be able to be in that logical place of. Well, I'm going to assume the best. Which is kind of a we. Which in some ways we're trying to rationalize ourselves into something, but our body is not listening.

Yes. I think it's a lot of the things that we can sort of see on social media that is like how do you regulate your nervous system? Some of that stuff is kind of starts to become cliche when we see it a lot, but it just really helps. So get outside, go for a walk, call a friend. Go. Like you have to get out of that moment and disrupt what's going on with you.

What is your number one way of disrupting, like for you personally?

Usually it's exercise. Like lifting something heavy helps me discharge a lot of that. Just like. Yeah. Built up. So that would be it. If I had to do it instantly, I would probably just step outside. There's something about. It's funny with babies, even outside and water are like two things that seem to always calm a baby down outside. Like getting outside in the sun, being in the water. Yeah. They almost always calm a baby down, so it's almost the same. Maybe we're just wired this way. But yeah, getting outside tends to really help if you have to. If you have to do it in the moment. But call a friend. Like just sort of distract yourself, move through the moment. For me Another one is I like comedians a lot. So I will put on Spotify and I'll pull up a comedian I like and I'll laugh. And it's almost impossible to feel anxious while you're laughing. So figure out what works for you and have a strategy that you go to in those moments.

The hard thing is that a lot of those things that we need to do to feel better are the complete opposite of the things that we actually feel drawn to do.

Yeah.

You know, we feel drawn to scrolling and we feel drawn to checking their social media or to looking at our phone again to see if a text has come through. The number of times in my life I have, like, put myself into a gym class or some session that I'm literally there and I'm like a zombie because my brain is just racing with whatever is making me anxious. Whatever text I'm waiting for, whatever decision I'm waiting on, whatever is the last place in the world I want to be.

Yeah.

Doing it may not shift be me by 80%, but it might give me 10 or 20%.

Takes the edge off.

Yeah. Yeah.

I think in many areas of our life, we have to do things sometimes before we feel ready to do them. So it's like a classic example of that of, like, I don't feel ready to go to work out, but I'm so anxious. Well, I need to really lead with my behavior in moments like that.

Yeah. I. It's always such a very. A vivid one for me when I'm stressing or anxious about something in my day. And then I come and do something like this, have a conversation on camera, shoot a video. Usually, like, one of the best ones is, like, actually deliver a webinar. And it's crazy that by the end of it, my brain has lost track. I've had to be so in the moment with whatever I'm doing that my brain has lost track of that thing that felt really stressful or that really made me worry.

Yeah. And we live so much of our life outside the moment now because of our devices. So it becomes that much more important that we learn ways of kind of tapping into that just complete, fully present. You're not being pulled out of that present moment. It becomes so hard these days when.

You take a bird's eye view of everything you've seen over the last few years. Has your view of marriage changed at all? Have you looked at it? And are you seeing patterns in, like, have you come to the conclusion that more people should get married, that less people should get married? I'M just curious how you think of marriage in general at this point, because I was not someone who was like, for sure sold on the idea of marriage. And then I met Audrey and I had conversations with people I really trust, and I got to the point where it really felt like it made a lot of sense for me and that I felt really connected to the idea of it. But I'm just curious what you're seeing.

Well, I mean, I'm a fan of marriage. I think the reality is, though, that marriage can be really hard. And I think that we don't do anyone any favors by suggesting that it isn't sometimes. And part of the reason it's hard is because we are combining two different experiences, backgrounds, family, growing up experiences and conditioning and programming. And we're putting two people together and being like, okay, figure this. Figure this out. And it's. It's tricky, I think, something that I. But it's worth it. And it's worth it because when you come together with somebody who is in it with you, who's safe, who is relatively healthy, you don't have to be perfectly healthy, relatively healthy. You both will have a light shined on areas that you need to grow and to develop. And that's part of why it's hard.

And for people who are skeptical of that, why can't they do that outside of a marriage? Or is this something you feel about marriage that makes that much more likely to happen? And also, I'm curious as to whether you think that marriage makes sense to the same extent outside of the context of kids, if two people are not ever going to have kids.

Yeah, I think. Can you grow in the same ways outside of marriage? Sure. I think, yes. I think it's probably not going to be. It's not going to hit you as hard. Maybe it's going to take a lot of effort and a lot of work. And I think, you know, for the most part, not for the most part completely, we're wired to be in relationships. You know, we're relation. Humans are relational. And so we really thrive in the context of a healthy, safe, committed relationship. And so I do think that you might get there a little bit quicker, you might get to a deeper level of that personal growth and that personal change. And it's been really cool. You know, 17 years of marriage is not like a little bit of marriage, but it's also not like 40, 50 years. We're kind of in a. We're like, yeah, we're sort of veterans, but it's been this really Cool experience to look back on how much we have both changed for the better as people, how we love each other. And I think it's a beautiful thing. I. In terms of your question around the larger landscape of marriage, something that I feel like I'm seeing societally, we, politically even, we like to sort of say, you know, it's better to be this kind of collectivistic kind of culture. You know, we want to love everybody, take care of everybody, all these things. But then I see, at least what I see is that we're becoming more individualistic in our relationships. You know, if you don't serve me, if you don't make me happy, I'm going to put a boundary up, I'm going to cut you off, I'm going to leave my relationship. And I think that we really need to, if we're going to be married, going to be in a committed relationship, we have to both have this openness to really show up for each other, to grow, to expand, to change, to become better than we would be on our own. But the individualistic perspective in our relationships makes it really hard to do that because the moment it's not serving you, the moment you're not, you're not happy, people are going to check out.

Hey, everyone, before you go any further with this interview, have you tried Matthew AI yet? This is my digital mind, where you can either text or call me to ask me any question you would love to get my advice on. You can try it for free@askmh.com it blows people's minds every time. If you have not tried it yet, please think of a question you'd love to ask me right now and go to ask MH.com to ask my digital mind your biggest question. I will see you there. Now back to the interview. Do you think people are too judgmental in dating today to, you know, do you. Do you feel like people are going in with their expectations too high?

I don't actually know. I think there's probably a subset of people who are very judgmental, very like kind of me focused, sort of like my life's good on its own. So what are you going to bring to improve my life? But then I also think there are those people that should be more judgmental who almost need to use more discernment. So I don't know. I do just see, though, in the committed relationships, even in family relationships, we're seeing this whole, whole movement around completely disconnecting from your family that we are becoming quite individualistic.

Could you delve into that more people disconnecting from their family.

Yeah, almost.

In what sense? Like, just from a point of view of caring less about maintaining the relationships or cutting them off because they don't like something they did.

Cutting them off. I'm seeing more and more of that where it's like, oh, you know, my family doesn't understand this about me. We just don't see them anymore.