They Were Perfect… So Why Did It Still End?

Is there a formula to make love last? Because I know it's a bit annoying and trendy when people want to simplify everything, like, oh, give me the three tips to have a happy marriage. If it was three, everybody would be happy. So. But is there, like, a monumental thing, such a crucial thing to make love last?

Listen, I'm asking the same question because I'm in a new marriage. You know, I've never been married before. I'm learning all the time. I don't profess to be an expert in marriage. You know, I have spent a lot of time studying relationships and trying to understand what makes some relationships work and others not. But I'm learning and I'm looking to people wiser than me and who have got more reps than me for these kinds of questions. But when I see people genuinely being a team together, that to me is always like, the sign. Are they really a team? When we're having an argument, are we competing with each other? Or ultimately, are we both looking at the problem together? Whether the problem comes from me or comes from you, are we looking at the problem together and going, the problem is the enemy. You're not the enemy. We're a team. I think if you can be a genuine team with your partner, which can mean also looking at what makes them happy, like, what are their needs, what makes them a happy person? Because if I've got your back, if I'm worried about what you need to be happy and you're worried about what I need to be happy, then we could both relax because we're both covered. I don't. You know, I think people get selfish in relationships and they get competitive when they don't really believe. If I. If I don't really believe you've got me, then I have to get myself. And now, now it becomes about me. If I really feel like if I express something that's something that's really important to me, either now or something in the future, and you really listen to me and you're like, if this is really what you want, like, let's figure out a way, like, I want to. I'm here. If that's your dream, let's figure this out. And the same the other way around, then you. You breathe a sigh of relief because.

You'Re like, I love that you use the word team.

Yeah.

And that's what's always funny. You know, I see couples compete. Like, it's an ego battle. Right. And I think I. I don't believe ego and pride so much. Has a place In a healthy relationship because it's like a cancer. And in my last relationship, I remember whenever I used to argue or we argue, I would say something like, I would put out my hand at times, which can be probably somebody wants to punch you at that point. But I would say something, something so similar to what you said. I'm like, I'm not fighting you. If we love each other or we like each other, we want to continue this. It's not the problem, is there? Can we, instead of do this fight, can we both look here? So when you do that, it's a sign of we're one, by the way, us against. And I love how you also put it.

So I always think in, like, I think sometimes it can help to think in, in baby steps or inches. Like, what's the, what's the inch that I can go that, you know? Because it's really hard in the middle of. In the heat of an argument, in the heat of like a disagreement, it's really hard to go, hey, I'm sorry, I love you. I'm like, it's really hard. But what's the inch that you could do? Like, me and my wife, like, sometimes it will be sat next to each other and we just had an argument and it's like one of us will feel like the little finger of the other one. Like, just touch a hand.

Hello.

Yeah, it's like just this. And it's like the other person, it's like just a tiny, tiny olive branch. And. And the other person's like feeling mad and they're in their active state, but maybe they feel like, okay, you just, you just made it possible for me to like, put my whole hand on your hand. Even though we're mad at each other. And like by these inches, it's like you're each giving someone the permission to. You come an inch. I come an inch. And I've watched that. I've experienced that dissolve problems and arguments that in previous times in my life took days.

But I have a counter. Let's say the guy or the girl does the pinky move, right? And they actually, that's their mini 1 inch olive branch. And it took a lot from them because we've been in those heated moments and you're like, okay, whatever, I'm going to like, try. So you do that little gesture of putting your hand on her hand or whatever. What if she pushes your hand away? So now the olive branch that took so much of you to do just got shunned. Now instead of it mitigating the situation or diluting just erupted because you're like, oh, wow. So now your ego's so hurt because you went beyond your usual self.

I. So firstly congratulate yourself on being the kind of person that is big enough even in those moments to let your guard down or to put ego aside and to extend that olive branch. Because if you can celebrate that value in yourself as a very beautiful thing, then you'll appreciate your identity as someone who is bigger than that. Because ego makes you smaller in those moments. Ego makes you smaller? You tossed away my hand. Well, screw you. You know what? Like that. Now you look bigger, but you're smaller. So celebrate the part of you that was big. And when someone, if that's their pattern, that you're the one who's actually reaching out and trying to move things in the right direction. And they just use that as a sign to make you work harder. Because now that's going to be their game. Oh, you gave me leverage to reject you. Now I'm going to enjoy that game. Having that conversation with them where you say, look, there's something I've noticed, like when we're in the heat of an argument or when something's going wrong, even when I'm mad at you, or even when I feel like maybe I'm the one in the right and you're in the wrong, I see our love or I see us as being more important. So I reach out. But when I'm the one who's always doing it, when I'm the one who's always making that first move, that makes me really unhappy. Because it feels like you don't show up in the same way as I do. And it's not about who's right or wrong. There's going to be times where you might be wrong and I still am. Like, the relationship's more important and vice versa. But it hurts me in those moments that I reach out and I don't feel you doing the same thing. Point out that pattern. Instead of allowing someone to drag you into the mud again, you tried to have a higher moment and then you allowed them to drag you right back into the mud.

What's the biggest killer of relationships?

There's probably a couple. Ego is a big one. I think ego is big because ego makes you do exactly what you just said. Where you play games with someone, you try and have the upper hand all the time. Lack of discipline is one that's not talked about enough.

Yeah, tell me about that one.

I think that requires discipline to have a relationship that is in shape. It requires discipline to say no to, temptation to say yes. There's novelty over here, but I'm actually going to find newness in this relationship I have. I mean, you've built a business. You know what it is to be committed to that path. Like, you can't be running around doing 50 different things all the time. You have to actually commit to building this pile. And there are plenty of people who are never successful in business because they never dedicate themselves to that, to that one thing. They're constantly distracted by the novelty of a new idea. Someone just pitched me something, and I'm like, maybe I'll do that instead. And it requires. You know, before I ever was committed for life to a relationship, I was. I. Sometimes I thought I wasn't good at commitment because I'd look at my relationships and I'd be like, I can't seem to go all in. And then I started telling a story to myself about, like, maybe I'm. Maybe I just have a problem with commitment. I was like, but as I've committed to this career path for years, I, like, I have really committed. I've said no to so much. I've said no to so much novelty. Like, I don't have a problem with commitment. I'm just not applying it in this direction. And I know that in my career, that took an extraordinary amount of discipline. And to go back to your point about, why do we think it's going to be any different in our love life? I think one of the biggest mistakes we make is thinking that feeling is going to sustain us. And I think a lot of relationships fail because people, their feelings shift and then they go, oh, I guess it wasn't the right relationship again. But it requires discipline, not just to grit it out when you don't have the feeling and you're like, well, I don't have the feeling anymore. So I'm just going to grit through this now for the rest of my life. Not saying that sometimes I think when feelings come in waves, sometimes when you're on a low wave, you do have to do that. But sometimes the discipline is the discipline of finding the feeling again. The discipline of going, you know, how do I. Proust said that the journey of discovery lies not in seeking new landscapes, but seeing with new eyes. It takes discipline to say, I'm going to see my partner with new eyes instead of seeking a new landscape. That takes work. It takes creativity. So I think I don't hear discipline mentioned a lot when it comes to relationship advice, but I Actually think it's at the heart of. I love that great relationships.

Why do men cheat? God.

I think there are far greater authorities on this than me. I'm thinking of Esther Perel as one of them. She's the, you know, written entire books on this subject. I always have her in my head saying, does affairs happen like love and desire are two things that exist in a relationship and need to be maintained for a relationship to be healthy. If there's love but no desire, that's. That's going to be a challenge. I think she said once that affairs are what happen when desire breaks free of the relationship, which I think is a beautiful phrase. I think there are a number of reasons people cheat. They cheat because they have no impulse control. It's true for some people. Some people cheat because they feel trapped and they're unhappy and they don't see that they, they either don't see a way out or they're not courageous enough to. To actually end the relationship before doing the thing they want to do or because they want to have it both ways. So I want to pretend to have one set of principles over here, but also indulge over here. And as long as those two worlds, you know, as long as this world doesn't ever find out about this one, I can continue to play the character that has these principles over here, but still enjoy this over here, which is, I always think is a, it's a really interesting disconnect that people are able to live with. I'm not capable of living with that disconnect. It would, it would destroy me. I'm such a guilt prone person anyway. I'm. Anxiety is my like default. So for me, like, I couldn't compartmentalize in that way. It would just ruin my life. But some people can. Some people can. And some people cheat out of insecurity. You know, I need to feel that thing that makes me feel like I'm good enough or I need to feel attractive or I need to feel like I can still do this. Some people treat cheat because they have no character and no empathy or they have a personality disorder. So.

Yeah, yeah, it's a lot of things. It's an interesting thing altogether. This is. No, this one you answered about how you navigate when someone isn't giving you the same level of effort. You talked about how you address it. This is a good one. How do you know when, when to let go of a relationship? You know, we were talking about how you invest and you build and the grass is greener where you water it and, but when do you know, okay, no more watering. I don't. This is just not right.

Yeah, well, you can't. We don't have. We. We don't have a thousand lifetimes to run the experiment over and over again. So in a world where we're, you know, we only have a few years. You have to be careful where you spend those years and how you spend those years. And so I. Clearly, time is a problem. And we have to decide what's an amount of time that I can give to this relationship to find out what. Whether it's right. And I heard someone once quote Christopher Hitchens, who, who said, in life you have to choose your regrets.

Nice.

And if you know that you're going to be, you're going to regret leaving this relationship now without a little more closure, fair enough. But there's going to be a time where the bigger regret is how long you stayed. So between those two is an amount of time you're willing to bet. But you can't bet your time in a passive way. You have to bet it in a very active way. And that means saying to yourself, okay, if I'm already. If I'm at the point where I'm considering leaving this relationship, I'm already some way there. So this is. This is the moment where I might as well put it all on the table if I want true closure. And that means, let me be honest with myself first about what I need for this relationship to work. What am I missing right now? Because a lot of relationships end. In some ways, this is a bit tragic. A lot of relationships end because someone didn't have the guts to really say what they wanted, so they'd rather leave than really say, this is. This is what I want, this is what I desire, this is what I need. And I think in some ways, in some ways, I don't know that this is true all the time. But we owe it to our partner to be upfront about what it is we need. Like, if I'm going to stay here, this is why. And you don't have to frame it like that, but you do have to be upfront about what's making it hard. But you also, in that time, have to. You have to give on a level that gives that person the best possible chance at giving you what you need. You can't sit back passively in the relationship and be a bad version of yourself who's frustrated that they're not giving you what you need and go, I'll just give it another six months. Because Nothing will change. But if you say, right, I am going to go all in on this for the next six months or three or whatever it is you want to bet, I'm going to really be the best version of myself. I'm going to show up for this person in a way I'm really proud of. And I'm going to couple that with being really, really honest with them about why I need now. If you say to me, like, I don't want to do that, I don't want to, like, have to do all of it, then the relationship's already over. You're. It's over. You just haven't admitted it yet. If the idea of for the next three months going all in makes you, like, want to run out of the room and go, no, I don't want to do that, then it's over. If it's worth saving, it's worth putting in that effort for the next few months and asking for what you need. And maybe, maybe your partner will surprise you or they won't, in which case you have a new form of closure.

100%.

I was absolutely honest. Still couldn't get there. I can now, I can now leave.

With a sense, and that's way healthier because you don't really regret you, like, I really gave it 100%, you know, not what if. What if is dangerous.

Thank you so much for watching the video, as always. If you're finishing this video with more questions, which is often the case, you know, you may be thinking of a very specific scenario that you're in right now that you really feel like you want me to weigh in on. I have a way that you can do that right now. Literally where you can get my answer in the next 60 seconds. Go over to askmh.com because we have a brand new tool called Matthew AI where you can speak your question and you can take as long as you want and give as many details and as much context as you want, and you will hear my voice answering your question. It is extraordinary how sophisticated this is. It's trained on 17 years of my content. So you're not just getting any answer, you're getting my answer to your specific challenge. If you're in pain, especially right now, I promise you that by the end of your conversation with Matthew AI, you are going to feel a lot better than you do right now. So go to askmh.com and you can try it out. You can try it out for free, by the way, so there's no cost just to trying it. And let me know how you get on. I'll see you in the next video. Be well and love life. Sa.