They’ve Stopped Trying? Don’t Chase Do THIS Instead!

Foreign.

I was coaching someone recently who said, I always feel like in any relationship, I end up giving so much. I am always trying to score a perfect score because I feel like if I don't, they're not going to like me. So I end up doing all of these things for them. I end up trying to be thoughtful in a thousand different ways. I end up trying to be perfect in my reaction to everything thing, because that's how I believe they're going to continue to want me. And in the process, I end up emotionally exhausted. I end up feeling like none of my needs get met. I feel taken for granted, and I live in a constant state of, like, tension and anxiety and never really being able to relax and know that someone is just gonna want me for me. I want to talk about this today.

Do you relate to it on a personal level?

I had a relationship where I very much relate to what that client was going through, very much so. And I. I'm. I actually had a lot of shame in a way, or embarrassment, a combination of shame or embarrassment after the fact at sort of looking back at how much I felt I needed to do all the time, like, how many different ways I felt I had to be surprising and thoughtful and impressive and creative and, you know, like, constantly feeling like I had to go out of my way in order to be enough. And I remember very vividly the state of, like, heightened anxiety that I was in at that time where I felt like I could never truly just relax. Like, I. I remember even being, like, in the middle of working days where I say, even being in the middle of working days, regularly being in the middle of working days where I couldn't focus on what I was doing, because in reality, I was just focusing on the next thing I was going to do for that person. Like, the next nice text that I would send or the next gesture or the next thing that I could do to be thoughtful or. Or anticipate that person's needs. And. And the flip side of that was if I felt like I had reacted poorly to something or I had, like, somehow you know, not been my best self in a situation that I would feel catastrophic, I'd feel like, oh, I've done it now. Like, that's going to be. This is gonna be, like, the thing that means it's gonna end. So it was a horrible, tortured state to exist in, by the way, all the while telling myself I was really happy, telling myself, like, I was happy to be in that relationship, but it was a tortured state, like, I can't Tell you that even now as I speak about that, the relief I feel that like I wouldn't go back to that feeling for any, anything in the world. Like it robbed me of the joy in my life. So yes is my answer. I very much relate to that.

Do you relate to it?

Oh yeah, definitely. 100. I think that it's, it's really, really uncomfortable. It's a form of, of people pleasing and it's a form of, you know, believing that you're not worthy of love and somebody committing to you and sticking by your side unless you are perfect. It's almost like everybody else in the world gets to exist in this kind of imperfect way where they get to somehow you know, sometimes mess up and they get to not be thoughtful sometimes and forget things and this and that. But when it comes down to us, we not only have to score a perfect score, we actually have go one step beyond that and be extraordinary in every single situation.

Yeah.

And I think I really relate to it and I relate to everything you have said because I've been in that situation too and, and also feeling like it's kind of a full time job because it ends up being such an all consuming feeling because what you're really trying to avoid is being left. What you're really trying to avoid is being rejected. And you're just. Every single action in your life is geared towards trying to avoid the person leaving you. But what you end up doing, which I think is such a shame and it's really sad over a long period of time, is you're not really allowing someone to truly see you. And that in a, in a weird paradoxical way ends up actually blocking connection more than you not being perfect is going to block connection. Does that make sense?

Yeah. Yeah. I remember like the first time I actually was with someone where I felt comfortable being me. And it was a big change because like I. This showed up for me in terms of some of it was just classic like man stuff of feeling like I need to have a certain amount of accomplishments I need to be able to provide otherwise I'm just not going to be seen as like worthy. But also in terms of in early dating I'd notice it would show up in like I have to justify my life. Like does my life sound cool enough? If someone asked me like what I did on the weekend, did it sound exciting and cool enough?

I went skydiving.

I have a life I can sell to someone else of like, I do cool things with interesting people and, and it would always. I'd realize it would show up for me, like, oh, no, is my life interesting enough for this person? Or. Or am I not going to compare to all the other interesting things other people are doing? And it would almost be me always trying to, like, show. Look at this exciting thing I did this week. Look at this thing I got coming up. Look at these cool things. And I would always feel like I have to justify everything.

And it kind of. I think in some ways that depends on the person you're dating, right? It depends on whatever is the particular flavor of insecurity you get with that person. If you think they're more successful than you, you. You might start trying to, like, talk about the successes that you've had recently and the things you're doing. If you think that they're better looking than you. You might be trying to slip in stories about how someone hit on you the other day because you want to remind them that you're attractive. It really depends on the person you're with. But it's. I think what's particularly deceptive and insidious about it is that I know that in the beginning of that relationship, I. It was very easy for me to disguise all of that effort, just as me being romantic and me going out of my way to be just an awesome person today. And it didn't. It hadn't shown up necessarily in its worst, most insecure forms. It was just showing up in, like, all of these over and above things that I was doing that were extremely conscientious, but, like, you know, beyond just a normal level of conscientiousness or an appropriate level of conscientiousness coming from you.

As somebody who is extremely conscientious, the idea that you would be even more conscientious than you naturally are is too much in it.

But, yeah, I, you know, I. And. And things that were, like, too thoughtful. You know, there is such a thing as too thoughtful.

Like, what's too thoughtful?

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Doesn't have to be a personal example, but I think this is an interesting point because, yes, you're right, there is such a thing as too thoughtful and it can actually kill attraction. Yeah, that's the weird thing.

Well, it's kind of like if someone, I don't know, it's like if their mom do you met their mum and their mum told you a detail about like some piece of history that they really loved. I don't know, I'm, you know, but like they, you know, they told you an example of something they were passionate about. And like, the next time you saw the person you're dating, you brought like a very specific piece of like, you know, memorabilia. Memorabilia or something around that, like, for their mom. You were like, I given what your mum said the other day, I thought.

She would really like your mom.

But it's like too. That's too thoughtful because you are just getting to know this person. You don't know their mum. Their mum has given you a piece of information and you're like, what would be the most thoughtful thing I could possibly do? It's like, oh, I could get something around that and it. In a different context it would be incredibly beautiful as a gesture, but in that context it's just too thought. It starts to smell of something else. And. But again, early on you can, you can. And by the way, this is where love bombing is kind of interesting because it's it. We've done videos on this in the past that love bombing is actually a spectrum. There's the highly manipulative and insidious side of love bombing, but there's also the just the very insecure side of love bombing that, okay, people may not call it love bombing, but in a way it feels the same. When you want to impress someone so badly that you are doing all of these things that will portray you as this incredible person to be with, who's incredibly thoughtful beyond a reasonable level of thoughtfulness, who's going out, out of their way, over and above. But in early dating is easy. I. I remember it feeling like, look, when I look back now, I'm like, oh. It was easy to disguise that even to myself as like, this is just me being, like, romantic or this is just me being someone who's like, trying really hard in a situation in a good way. But it, where it really comes from, I believe for so many of us is it. It's a reflection of the fact that we feel in some way like we're starting from behind, that there is ground to make up, that we are not on the same level as this person.

That's really true.

And because we're not on the same level as this person, we have to bridge that, that gap by the things that we do because who we are is insufficient.

Yeah. There's a thing you always have said about attraction, and I think it's true here. You talked about, come forward then, create space. And I think in the early stages you actually need to. Sometimes you need to give the other person space to see how they actually feel about you. See if they. Then, you know, you've been doing all the planning and the calling and the blah, blah, like, give some space. See, like, do they actually pick up the phone? Do they actually make an effort? Do they say, I really want to see you this weekend? And it kind of, it gives them a chance to kind of sell themselves on you. Like, you don't have to do the hard sell all the time. You don't always have to be the one. And there's, There's a lot of power in that. It's like if you're at a party even and you've gone up, someone chatted to them, had a great time, and then you go back and hang back with your friends and they see you having fun, being interesting, and it gives them a chance to actually, from afar, see your qualities and your value. Because you're not going now. I need to hang by you all night to make sure you don't go and talk to anyone else. And I want to, oh, do you like this? And I want to dance with you, blah, blah. Like you're creating the space.

You know, some it reminds me of something really interesting. It's kind of a weird connection to make. But the reason, parenting, the reason we love our children, apparently it's a lot of reasons why we love our children, but a lot of the reason is because the more we care for something, the more we invest in something, the more time we spend looking after it. Sacrificing for it, putting somebody else's needs before our own. The more we create basically on a natural form of opioids in our body, which pair bonds us to that thing. So that's why the best way, if you don't feel connected to your child when you're their first born, which happens to a lot of people, they say, is to look after your child. The more you do it, the more you do that. The reason I say this is because if we're always doing. To your point, Stephen, if we're always the one doing all of the legwork, we're looking after them, we're doing this, we're putting the effort, we're being thoughtful, we're doing that. We're actually not allowing the other person any time and space to invest in us. And therefore, we're actually not allowing them to connect and bond with us in the way that they could be. And the. The way people bond with you is by sacrificing for you, is by putting you first and being, you know, it's kind of. There's nothing wrong with making people a little bit inconvenienced for you here and there. Like, it actually helps attraction. So I think that's such an important point you made.

It's a great point both of you made. And I. It's interesting because I thought initially you were taking that in a different direction where you were going to say, because of how much we're investing in this person, when we over give, we end up getting more and more attached to them and they become more and more valuable in our eyes.

Well, that too.

Exactly. And actually that becomes the double hit, right? That's like the. The knockout punch is that like you're. You're the one, two punch. You're like getting more and more invested in this person, thinking they're more and more amazing because you are nurturing this relationship and giving and giving and giving and giving and thinking about them all the time and ruminating about new ways to give and new ways to make them happy and new ways to impress them and new ways to do something for. For thoughtful. And meanwhile, you're not allowing any space for them to do the same for you. So you're getting more invested while they're not actually having the opportunity to get invested in that way. Very dangerous combination. And it's how two people end up in really different places in terms of their level of connection to each other. Guys, as you know, this podcast is not just about your love life. It's about truly loving life and One of the things that I find most important when it comes to loving life is the things that we can do that make our lives better every single day. And we go to bed every single day. So the sleep we get, what we sleep on and how we feel in the night is one of the ways that we can increase our quality of life meaningfully on an ongoing basis every single day. One of the ways that Audrey and I do that is through the bed sheets. We have and we have found no greater bed sheets than the bed sheets that Cozy Earth have. They are bamboo. They are soft. They are so cool. I'm someone who gets hot throughout the night. I sleep better than I've ever slept in these bed sheets. And Audrey loves them too. So much so that when we travel, she complains that we don't have them.

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So what do you say to somebody? Because I know so many people listening will be like, oh my God, I see myself in all of this. I recognize that I, I do that. I over give in order to feel safe. I people please in relationships and I, I do all of the things and I let go of all my needs in service of theirs. What do you say to somebody who's like, but the problem is that's kind of my move and it's my safe space. And it's like, how I know I can guarantee, you know, connection with somebody. What do you say to that person? Because taking a leap of faith in a direction that you've never been in when you know that this trialed and tested move over here, definitely it may not get you a lasting, long term committed relationship, but it certainly gets you. It makes it harder for people to let go of you because they're like, well, I'm treated really nicely over here, so I don't want to let go of this. And what if you don't believe that you're worthy of Love without all of this over giving, what do you say to that person?

But I think when you're trying to like personal change like that, because that's deep, is this deep, deep, deep stuff. And we're talking about level of personal change that most people struggle to make. If ever they make those changes. It's useful to have like a carrot and a stick. The stick is, you know, the, the disincentive is the kinds of people you actually tend to attract when you're doing this. So it's not just that we are liable to attract someone who doesn't give as much as we do. It's that we're liable to attract some of the worst kinds of people. When you are an over giver and you don't pay attention to what's coming back and you feel like you constantly have to make up ground to impress someone, you become a target for the very people who, who want to use you. And they will see you a mile off because they'll see that you just did. I didn't treat you all that well and you just did the same amount or even more for me. Like you now become like a lighthouse for toxic ships. And so there's, there's that element. There's also, even if you don't end up with someone who's toxic, if you end up with someone who over time, slowly, slowly, slowly loses attraction for you, well, you know what's a really dangerous combination? Someone who becomes dependent on you for the things you do and all of the ways that you make their life better, but is simultaneously losing attraction for you all the while. Because that is the person that won't leave today, they'll leave in 10 years. And when they do, your life falls apart and everything you ever thought would happen goes out of the window. Everything you thought you had disappears. And the thing that kept it on life support for so long was the over giving was that you were putting in 150% and they were putting in 50. You know, that's the thing. It was on life support because of everything you did and because that person. It's scary to lose someone who does so much for you. Scary to lose someone who meets so many of your needs. But when they finally hit the day where they pluck up their courage or they, you know, get their needs met elsewhere, that's it, it's over. So it's a false sense of security. That's the ultimate disincentive is I'm not giving myself real security here I am building in a false sense of Security to this relationship from the get go. From the outset. I was, I was on a live just this morning and I got a question that was how do you spot a dismissive avoidant in the early stages of dating, even if they act perfectly during that time? And the answer I gave was that the antidote is you being more of yourself. Because in early dating, what we tend to do in an effort to, you know, capture someone's attention, to hold someone's attention, to get to the next stage is we don't, we're not ourselves. We don't ask for what we need. We're afraid to rock the boat. We're afraid to say that we didn't like or appreciate something. We're afraid to ask them to come to our part of town because we've been to their part of town five times now. We're afraid to do anything that could disrupt the flow of this romance. But what happens as a result is that person. We never learn who they are when there's resistance, when it's slightly inconvenient. To your point, Audrey, when we're not giving them everything they want.

Yeah.

We never know who they are until we start being ourselves. So for me, one of the great incentives to change is to realize that even the result I think I'm getting by being this way has never really worked for me and actually sets me up for the biggest pain of my life. I'm not looking, you have to tell yourself, I'm not looking for false security. I'm looking for real security. And real security can only be achieved by me being myself. The hard part is that for so many of us, we do not believe that we are enough by being ourselves, that that isn't going to do the trick. And I actually think that that requires a little bit of trust and faith in the beginning that we are going to do something we've never done before. Like me, me and me, we're going to do something we've never done before. We're going to do less and see what happens. You know, there's all sorts of sports where like I think it's a very common sports analogy when someone is new to something and they end up whatever the thing is, the motion or the movement they need to do the flick of the wrist, the. They overdo it. And the coach will often have to tell them, like, actually you need to do less and trust that this is gonna happen, you know? Yeah. And it's a really hard thing to do because your body is telling you to. Like is boxing is A good is a good one for that. Like, the people box and they think they have to, like, like, throw their whole body, you know, and their strength behind a punch to make a punch hard. And a boxing trainer will often initially get very frustrated being like, actually, I need you to focus on doing less. Just less. For now, let's just focus on throwing light and accurately and in the right motion. And what happens is you. The strangest thing, you end up actually getting more snap to your punches. You. Some of your punches actually end up becoming more devastating because you're not all tense and like, trying to put all of your energy behind it instead. There's a snap to it that comes from being relaxed. Took less energy, but it got more power. So it's. But in the beginning when you. We're. It's almost like we have to go treat ourselves like we're learning a new sport. I'm learning a new sport. I've always gone into dating, you know, like, trying to muscle it, trying to give as much as possible, make it as hard as possible, tense up as much as possible, thinking that's where my safety comes from. I'm gonna trust. And we're your coach in this situation, so we're the coach telling you that you're putting too much energy behind it. We need you to do less and trust that actually more will come by doing less. You don't have to know that. Yeah, you just have to have some trust that there are people who do know, who have done this a million times, who know the result you're going to get by doing less.

I also want to recognize for the people who feel like it's deep, the reason it's deeply uncomfortable for them to do that is because they don't feel worthy and they don't feel good enough. And that is, to your point. It is like the deepest sensation and feeling that we have about ourselves. The retreat, which is coming up is like the best, best, best thing that you can attend. You can attend it in person or virtually. But as you were speaking, I was like, that's exactly. The work that we do is just getting. How do you find yourself in a place where you can take that leap of faith and feel uncomfortable enough to try it and know that you, by doing so, you're taking a leap of faith that you might get rejected, that something might go wrong, that someone you know may not reciprocate and may confirm back to you this sense of unworthiness, which is the worst feeling when you have that lying inside of you. And so I think, I just think anybody. People who have experienced it know this. Anybody who hasn't experienced the retreat program, you absolutely have to come and work on this because it will absolutely change the way that you are in this area.

Yeah. So many people think they need dating tips when what they need is, like, change at the core level.

Exactly.

At the identity level. Yeah. I hope you join us. It's happening in Miami in October, but as Audrey said, you can join virtually as well from anywhere in the world. We have people in Japan doing it. We have people who are in Australia doing it. We have people all over America, Europe. Tickets are available@mhretreat.com for anyone looking for.

That link and whether you want to do that work. With you. With you, Matt. You know, I say. I was going to say us, but I'm not going to be there, which is sad in October at the retreat, or you want to do it in your own time, in person. You know, I think it is just. I just want to highlight the fact that I, I personally think that it's the most important work that you can do when it comes to your love life. And I know personally, when I worked on those parts of myself, everything changed. My relationship with everything changed. And so whether or not it's with us or with other people, just make sure that you explore that work, because otherwise you will find yourself feeling like you're just kind of bashing up against the same issue over and over again, and that's just not a nice place to be.

And I would say to anyone who's naturally always trying feels like they're on the, the backhand on this. I, I would say. Is it backhand? Is that the right term? Back foot.

There we go.

Yeah, but it's because. It's because you're talking about sports and that's right. Think about tennis. That's what I was thinking about.

Anyone who feels like they're always on the back foot from this, I, I always say, like, let's take the idea of dating apps. Don't start with who do I want? And then filter down. Almost start with who's giving me the right kind of behavior, and out of them, who am I attracted to? Like, once you've got your likes and who's into you, don't be like, oh, I like that person. But they're giving me one word rubbish responses. How can I, like, win that? Because you're, you're getting all this information immediately that they're not trying. They're not even trying to impress you. They're giving you rubbish answers to like opinion questions and so that that's like your immediate filter. But when you have that confidence that's not interesting to you, that's boring. And then you see the people who are giving you all the green lights early and you go, okay, this is my pool now out of this pool, who am I excited to spend more time with?

Well, let us know what you think about this subject. Podcast.com is that email address. We love reading emails from you. I have one right here from Anonymous who says please keep my question Anonymous Heart Love you guys so much. Just the right amount of helpful and light hearted. I just listened to LA Curse episode and I'd love your insight. This is of course the episode we did on the three month curse in dating Spooky A recent episode. I have been seeing my partner for 13 months and we recently went on a break to take some time and, and reconsider before fully letting the relationship go or continuing. We were fighting a lot and we were getting nowhere. So we decided the breakup or we decided the break would be helpful in each of us working on ourselves and then coming back and deciding what the next steps would be. How do you know when to walk away or when to keep going? Would love all of your insights here. Well, I don't know if we'll have time for all of our insights here, but maybe we can give a couple of insights in terms of knowing when to walk away or keep going. So you said the information you've given us is that you took a break after 13 months. You were fighting a lot and getting nowhere. That to me, in, in these moments it's about trying to understand if the this there are arguments, but is the argument reflective of deeper incompatibility in terms of the things that you value in life and you know, how you make decisions as a consequence of those values. Or are the arguments to do with a style? Because sometimes the arguments are due to do with a style. You know, we, we have different styles of saying things, of doing things. By the way, even that can make us incompatible sometime, right? Sometimes someone's style is just so different. You know, you're a loving person, I'm a loving person. But you don't ever talk about your feelings and I do talk about my feelings. And at a certain point, if you really don't communicate, I'm gonna feel lonely in this relationship. So even though we're both loving people, if you can't, if you can't ever talk, then that might be an incompatibility that's too big for us, especially if communication is extremely important to us. Where it gets complicated is it's all about how important this thing is to me and are you the person that I need it from? Or is this something I could get outside of the relationship in ways that could make me happy and I'd still get everything I enjoy in the relationship? But I would start by looking at the arguments and going, are these a reflection of a really deep ins of a deep incompatibility that is unlikely to change, or is this a reflection of differing styles? So if it's like deep incompatibility, walk away. If it's a reflection of we have different styles, then it's can we adapt our styles enough that we can make this work together? You may never exactly be my style and I'll never exactly be yours, but does a 10% or a 20% shift from you and a 10% or a 20% Shift from me make this relationship something that that does it make all the difference? Does a different way that we have this argument make all the difference? Those are only things you can test in practice. You can't imagine that. Very good. Thank you so much for emailing in and we hope to hear from you again soon. Let us know what you end up deciding. All right, it's that time. Love Lifeline. This is where we have one of our Love Life members. Send in a voice note. If you want to become a Love Life member, you can go to joinlovelife.com there's all sorts of wonderful things you get by being a member, including our entire content catalog of Love Life courses. You get live coaching with me every month. With you, Steven. With you.

Audrey and I have a brand new course coming out within the month.

What's that course?

That course is on overcoming anxiety in early dating.

Well, if you want that and everything else that comes to members, including unlimited Matthew, I go to join Love Life.

I hope you're all doing well. Thanks again for the amazing work you're doing. I'm part of the community and it's been such an amazing experience. Here's my question. How do I not fall into the scarcity mindset of not finding my person? I've been dating for years now and I'm 27 and I've had so many heartbreaks that I cannot even count anymore. I feel like every time I go into relationship, it's driven by my wounds, my traumas and my patterns. I've been through therapy for five plus years. I've gone through different types of Coaching. I became a coach myself. I've had my psychology degree. I've done all the things I could in my power to be the person who's ready for my person and for a secure relationship. But every time I end up meeting someone, everything seems so amazing in the beginning, but I end up with horrible heartbreak and trauma in the end and repeating the same patterns, even though I'm putting everything in my power and in my energy in order to break through those patterns. So, yeah, I'm 27 now, and I'm focused on work, but I also want to build something with someone that's meaningful and beautiful. And I'm kind of scared that I might be too broken to find someone who's actually going to love me the right way and in a secure way. Yeah. So thanks again for everything.

Thank you for such a vulnerable, open.

Question that really hit me. I really relate to that caller. I felt that so much.

Would you like to answer?

No, I think you should answer. But I just. I just. Whoever you are, I just want you to know, like, I relate so much to what you've just said. So much, and it's so hard.

So, yeah, I think that you sound wonderful, and I want you to stay connected to that intention, that what you want is a beautiful relationship. It's a lovely intention. Don't let that go. You know, that's gorgeous. And I think it's wonderful. You know, you've. You've turned your pain into this journey of curiosity and learning. And, you know, you've done all this work to understand trauma. You've got a qualification as a psychologist. You have been on courses. You are in therapy. You've done all of this amazing work. That, by the way, that counts. That counts. It's very easy to feel like nothing has worked. And it's so part of, if I can venture to say, part of being someone like you and. And I think, like me is that part of the patterns of the ways that we feel broken is catastrophizing. That's. That's part of the signature of that pattern is I. I have things that. About me that cause me suffering. They get in the way of me showing up in the way that I'd like to show up to a relationship. Certainly they get in the way of me being able to show up as peacefully and as calm and as. As I'd like to show up in a relationship. Maybe they get in the way sometimes of my ability to perceive other people accurately, or they get in the way of me standing up for myself in ways That I should. But it's not just that my. My stuff causes me pain. It's. I am. My fear about my stuff is that it's somehow, you know, catastrophic. Broken is a good word, right? I'm broken. That's a very final word, a very deterministic word. I am broken. I will never find somebody who is able to. To deal with me and who wants to be with someone like me. There's a finality to that too, right? And someone once said to me, when you hear words like always and never, there's usually trauma at the heart of that. And of course, you will hear that and say, yeah, duh, that's my problem. But the. It's. It works in one direction, not the other. Those things may be a result of certain traumas or ways, you know, things that are. Are happening in you, but the trauma or the things that are happening in you don't actually mean that something will never happen or that something will always happen or that you are irrevocably broken. You're not broken. You are experiencing things that so many of us experience. And I would actually argue at 27, that you're still. So I know for you, it's like it's been a marathon already, but you've. You've actually got so much time to figure these things out. And. And by the way, some of these things you'll figure out and other things you'll. You'll manage better. Because not everything just gets kind of magically figured out in life. Some things, we develop a kind of relationship with it. You know, I. I haven't conquered anxiety. Anxiety is. It's a recurring theme in my life, but I have developed a relationship with anxiety that is entirely different than the relationship that I used to have with anxiety. And my relationship with anxiety used to be completely unconscious. I didn't even know that it was anxiety. I didn't even call it that. And then I became aware of it, and I had a conscious relationship with my anxiety, but it was one where I was always on the back foot. And now I have a relationship with anxiety where I actually have a real sense of control and perspective and consciousness that I'm able to bring to it. So it's not that the anxiety is gone. It's that the relationship with it has changed and that your relationship with these parts of yourself are going to continue to change. You're still very much on that journey, as am I. So it's not about broken. It's about. I'm consistently working through things and improving on Things changing my relationship with something that's really a, A lifelong, a lifelong craft. You know, if you wanted to see, like, mental health as your. As like a craft, it's a lifelong craft. Like, if someone can spend, if some, if a, if a Japanese chef can spend 10 years or five years just being made to do rice in a sushi restaurant before they're even let near the fish, to start actually cutting the fish, why would we think that we can master the craft of our mind in just a few years in our twenties?

Not to mention your twenties are, by default, such a tumultuous time in your life. And I actually, when, when you said 27, I was, like, taken right back to a time where someone said to me that. And I actually think it has something to do with your prefrontal cortex developing around your mid-20s, like, fully developing around your mid-20s, around 25. But 27 is notoriously a really, really tricky age for people.

I had about a 29 crisis age.

29, yeah, exactly.

I didn't realize at 27 that I was up. Like, I, I, I didn't, I. It took me a while. It took me, like, crashing the car in my 20s, like in my late 20s in a bunch of ways, for me to be like, oh, something's wrong. I didn't know something was wrong at 27. I was just making mistakes. I think the fact that you're even, you've been doing this for as long as you have, is evidence that you're actually way ahead of the curve. Because you, for you, you're like, oh, something's not right in the way I'm responding to situations. And it's not like I'm, you realize that early, I didn't even know that there was something not right in the way I was responding to situations in my life until late 20s. So it's such a cliche, but you have so much time here. And I really think that the answer to this is not. People will be like, oh, the answer is to get, you know, to heal yourself and then go out and find your ideal person and whatever. And it's, there's, there's, that's like a half truth to me. I think that the part people don't mention nearly enough is that one of the most beautiful things about the right relationship is that the relationship itself is incredibly healing. That it's like it becomes this team effort where their influence on you and their energy. Audrey's energy in my life was one of the greatest catalysts for my own healing. And I had to be in a place in my life where I recognized that what Audrey was offering was extraordinarily valuable. That's the work for me. And the work for you is to realize that is to. Is to do the work. Now, that means when someone comes along who's going to help you do that work, you actually recognize that person when you see them. You really, you see how valuable what they're bringing to the table is because people who haven't done any of this work can't recognize that person when they see them. And that's what keeps driving them back to the wrong people that, that hurt them, that break their heart. What I would do for now is look at the pattern in the kinds of situations that are breaking your heart. And I'd love to know from you, maybe you can write back to us and, and tell us, like, what is the pattern that you see in the situations in which you keep getting hurt? Because there's usually a pattern. Does it come from how much you're giving? You know, in terms of relating to the content of this episode, Is it that you're giving in a way that's unhealthy? Is it that you're ignoring things that are unhealthy until it's too late? Is it that you're overvaluing certain things in them that seem exciting or seem shiny or, you know, or maybe you're looking at the surface of what they're offering and you're, you like the fact that they talk the right talk. When it comes to having, like, a lot of people meet someone and they're like, oh, my God, they're so spiritual and they're so evolved and they believe in, you know, self growth and they're so this and they're so that and that, and it's like, yeah, but all you know is that that's the label they've put on the, on the jar right now. You don't really know what, how you're going to feel when you eat what's in that jar. Like you don't know. Yeah, right. You're just looking at the label and saying, oh, my God, the label says all the right things. That's marketing. How do you feel when you actually consume the product? And, and that might be the thing, maybe too much. You're looking, you're. You're sold on the label right now and not the product. So I, I can't say any more without hearing from you on this, but maybe you can write to us again or leave us another voicemail and let Us know what this meant to you. But thank you so, so much for sending this in. We really appreciate you. And we really, really appreciate you being a member of the Love Life community. You're in really good hands and you're doing the right things for yourself. So thank you.

Now, I know it's time for Steve sleeves, but before we do, we got a video from our social media manager, Celia, who wants you to react to it.

She's been wanting me to do reactions for some time now.

She has. So I've not.

Celia spends a lot of time on Tik Tok, which I don't. So she is seeing every video out there.

All the girls know Jeremiah knows. But you have to promise me you're not going to say anything to any of the other guys cuz it's not their business.

But.

I'm a mommy. Mommy. I'm a mom.

Mamacita.

No, I'm a mommy. Mom of what? A dog? I have a daughter.

Like in real life?

Yeah, like a daughter.

Like a real baby?

Yeah, like a human child.

The music. Wait. That's so cute. Thanks. How old is he? Or she?

She's four. She's gonna be five.

No way. Wait, why the. The text on the screen is this scene. The music. Wait, that's so cute.

Thanks.

How old is he? Or she.

She's four.

She's going to be five.

No way. Wait, why the. The text on the screen is. This scene healed something inside me. Who's that healing? Why would that heal someone? Also, he was.

He wasn't even listening because she went, I'm a mommy, I have a daughter. And he goes, how old is he?

Or she's like, that's cute. As if. Like it's cute. Like it's not like, you know, her phone case. And yeah, the. What are the comments? The time it took for Nick is this. What is this? Love Island?

I think so, yeah.

The time it took for Nick to wrap his brain around what she was saying was both adorable and hilarious. It's like when a dog sees itself in the mirror for the first time. Confusion. But make it cute. Yeah, I mean, I think he's just stalling.

I thought that.

Just stalling.

You what? Stalling his reaction.

Yeah. He's not. Like, this man is not. Not ready for the. What? Like what she's bringing as a package he is not ready for. So when she presents that package, he's like, everything he does is designed to stall.

I thought the exact same thing.

I'm also just like, let me act like rabbit. Like dumb Bewildered and Rabbit in the headlights. Because it's easier than, you know, the alternative. Huh.

I think he's shocked.

It's like if you do a disingenuous, you go like, oh, wow. It was like that sort of thing.

It was like he'd never met a mum before. It was like it was his first time encountering a mum in the wild.

But you know what? I'm a mummy is all over social media and I'm glad that I now know where it comes from. So thank you.

Celia, this comment, honestly, I know Nick screwed over Bella, but he seems pretty genuine and sweet otherwise. And this was an adorable scene. Like, this is what passes for adorable.

A guy being a bit of an idiot. The bar is low.

The bar is low in my heart. Deep down, this made me ship them, to be honest. Why?

I think I like the bit where he's like, mommy, you, mummy.

Because. Yeah, but again, it's like this is. This is why everyone's so fucked up in dating is because that's what they focused on. Is that the way he said mummy to someone who is a mum was cute? It's not. By the way, this isn't even shade on him. It's not. My. My problem is always with the comments. Like, this is clearly not like it's. You don't look at that and go, these people are like, these people. How adorable are they together? You look at that and you go, here's a woman who clearly wants to be accepted and loved for her situation in life, that she is a single mom looking for love. And here's a man who takes a good 60 seconds to even wrap his head around the concept.

Yeah, but also, he's like 18.

100%. Yeah.

That's why he can't wrap his head around the concept.

It's that time again. The moment you've all been waiting for. Everybody, it's Steve Sleeves. Don't be bereaved. You know that we can leave without another episode of Steve Sleeves.

Hi, everyone. So this we're gonna play please or peace?

Please or peas?

No, peace.

Peace.

So I'm gonna give you some behaviors. You're gonna tell me, is it people pleasing please. Or is it just peace or a piece of who you are? Kindness, generosity, just showing who you are.

So you've. So you've got. There's a double meaning. There is a double meaning. Is it coming from piece in you?

Yes.

Slash. Is it a piece of who you are?

Sure.

Did you intend that?

Sure.

Okay.

Okay. Pretending to like a TV show. Your date is Obsessive or just. Just not saying that you don't like it. Like someone says, I just love friends. It's so amazing. You're like, friends is fine. But you, you kind of just go, oh, yeah, it's great.

Please. Please. That's.

Please.

That is please. If you watch it, if you're like this, you know, I don't like this show that much, but I'll watch it with you, and I'm not going to ruin it for you. I'll have a good time watching it with you. Because, you know, I don't want to be that jerk who watches a TV show with someone and doesn't like it and then constantly, like, sighs. But if you're saying, yeah, it's great, that's definitely please.

Okay. Spending a bit more on them for their birthday than they did on you for your birthday.

I like this, Steve.

So you feel like, oh, I should, like, you know, you go a bit above, you know what they actually spent, but you're like, oh, I need to try.

That's really funny. I love that as a power move.

You think it's a power move?

Yes.

But is that generosity or is that like, I'm trying to win them?

No, it's obviously the latter. It's like trying to. Trying to, like, do. Yeah. Like to one up men them.

But maybe you just found like the perfect gift.

That's not how he framed it.

What? How did you frame it?

Maybe you put like a bit of. They put a bit of. So you put a bit of self pressure on, like, oh, I should, like.

Do something even better.

Or you realize your gift is gonna cost quite a bit more than theirs, but you kind of go, oh, but I really want to wow them with the gift.

Oh, that's different.

Yeah. If you were like, if, if they bought you a gift for like 50 bucks and you found a gift that was a hundred bucks and you just loved it, and you're like, this is the perfect thing for them, then I think, peace.

That's just nice.

But if you're coming from a place of I, I need to go the extra mile as please.

Right. Depends on your why exactly. Texting back instantly, even if you're busy so they don't feel ignored.

I think that's please.

You think that's please a little bit please.

No, but depends. Depends. Can also just be like, you know that the person you're dating gets anxious or you love them and you want them to be happy. So you like. I do things sometimes where I sh. I. I like, I'M busy, I've got other things, but I'm like, I'm gonna put you first and I'm not doing it from a place of people pleasing. I do it because I love you.

So you're gonna go peace.

I'm gonna go peace on that.

Okay.

Okay.

If, I guess if you'd have framed it like, I mean, but this would have given it away. If you'd have said like you text them back quickly because you're afraid that they'll abandon you if they don't hear from you quickly, then that would be different.

Okay. Going to a rave with them on an early date, even though it's something you'd probably never do yourself.

A rave?

Yeah, like they love raving their festival. They're all into that.

And you, but wait, even though festivals and there's raves.

I was gonna say this is a very different thing.

Which one? Because one, neither are my favorite. But like one is a lot more, you know, full on than the other.

Okay. Well, it's just, it's like a festival. It's a late, it goes all night. It's harder than you usually party sorrow rife.

Sure.

Please. That's, I think it's please.

Yeah.

Is that not just open minded?

If it was like, you know, they're taking you to a cuisine that you wouldn't normally eat, but you're like, I'll try it. That's different. But if you really are like stomaching a whole night of sweaty people dancing around you to, you know, hard house and you're like stuck in the middle of that, just going, what the am I doing?

But when you seem a bit uncurious, if you just. They made a suggestion, I'll be fun for you to join and you just went.

I go, it's not going to work. Like it's, this is not working. I went straight to the East End. That's not going to work. No, I, I, I'd go, yes. Sorry, sorry, this isn't gonna work. I, I'm so sorry.

I think like it depends because I think for instance, if it's a festival, you can easily be like, I'll come to the festival with you. But just so you know, it's not really my thing. So you know, when it gets to like 11 o', clock, you might want to go back and chill and then they can stay out with their friends.

That's good. That shows a lot of.

Or you can kind of like compromise and both go back together. If it's just the two of you and you just, you know, they might have wanted to stay out till 3. You might be wanting to go to bed at 10, so you stay out till midnight. I think that's fine. And that's not pleased. But it's when you're like, yeah, I'll come and do this thing that's gonna make me really uncomfortable. And I'm really not gonna, like, just to like, for you to think that I'm cool. Then I think that's.

What if it's like the festival is camping only and you just don't really. You really don't like camping, do you just go for it for a night and say, I'll have. Yeah, whatever.

But then that's like a camping thing more than a festival thing, right? If you're dating someone who's like, let's go camping, and you're like, oh, my God, I really hate camping. But they really love camping. Our CEO, Dan, loves camping. And if he was like, said to us, let's go camping together. I actually like camping, so I would be up for it. But let's say I didn't. I might actually make the effort to go, even if I didn't like it, because I love Dan and I, like, I don't want to be like. You know what I mean? I. I might like, just be like, oh, yeah, like, fine, I'll. I'll go. But not because I'm people pleasing, but more because I'm like, trying to connect with Dan on something that he loves.

But it wouldn't be what you choose to do.

No, but I think that's fine. And I think you don't have to do it every weekend. But.

I am not normally a camper and.

Exactly. The distinction needs to be that they know that this isn't your thing. I think that's the distinction. If they know it's not your thing and you're making the effort.

Yeah.

I think then that is. Is really well received as you actually being a kind of, you know, compromising person. But if they're like. If you're like, yeah, I love camping. Festivals and raves.

Yeah, yeah. And you look at their tent and you're like, what's that? The. The outdoor 3000.

The outdoor.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

At a restaurant, you don't order all the sides. You would usually order because you don't want to seem like a pig.

This is. Is this. Are you aiming this at me?

No. I'm sorry.

It does feel quite personal.

It feels like. Are you okay? Finish it.

I'm saying early on, if you're like, I don't want to show all it. Like, I'm not going to order all the sides. I would like to order because I'm gonna seem a little bit. Like it's gonna seem a lot on the first, you know, first couple of dates.

Okay.

I'm gonna look more restrained than I really am. You usually.

I think that is. I think that is. Please. I thought you were aiming this at me because, you know, I like my, my food.

We both do.

And, you know, I have a tendency to over order. I think it's please. But you can't. But it's not. It's peace. If, you know they're picking up the. The bill or if you're splitting, because then it's conscientiousness. If you know they're picking up the bill or you're splitting it and you go mental on the sides, right, Then that's, you know, that's not peace.

That's fair enough. You offered. If you're going to go have the sides, you just pay it.

If you're. If you know you're gonna enjoy your normal side game, you're picking up the bill.

Yeah.

My friend Emma, she always just goes, by the way, I'm just gonna order a lot of food, so just so you know, like, I'll get. Like, I'll get my stuff, but just. I'm letting you know I'm gonna order.

I respect that. Clears the air immediately.

I would do that. You stay at the party longer than you would like to because you know they're having a good time.

I think that's just really nice.

Yeah, I think that's. That's. That's definitely peace.

That's peace.

But not like if it's a habit that you have to do you every time you feel like you're held hostage because they like to stay out till 2am what the right move. Peace is. I'm gonna go home because I'm getting really tired. But I want you to stay out. And if you're enjoying yourself, like, I think that's peace. Unless that happens all the time and they never come home with you, in which case that's. Please.

It's all very confusing.

All right, well, thanks very much, everyone. That's Steve Sleeves. Da da da da da da da da.

Thank you, Stephen. That was a great Steve Sleeves.

Guys. This is a very timely announcement right now. I just did an event yesterday called the Love Life Reset. Thousands of people attended, both people who are single and in relationships, all who wanted to get control of their love life. I talk about how to get control of your emotions because if you're single and looking for love, you might be anxious, you might be worried about the future or your timeline and you feel like that's affecting the way you show up in your life. If you're in a relationship, you might feel that not having control of your emotions is meaning you can't enjoy the relationship or ever be present because you're always in your head, worrying, anxious, never feeling good enough, always stressing that you're getting it wrong or that that person's going to leave. This is called the the Love Life Reset because it shows you how to get back in control. Now the reason I'm saying this is because I did this event live yesterday. I am doing it live one more time tomorrow on the 18th of September. So if you happen to be lucky enough to be watching this before the event has taken place, go over to LoveLife reset.com and grab your online seat right now. This is the final run of the Love Life Reset. It is also my final big free event of the year. I don't want you to miss it. Go grab your seat@lovelifereset.com and I will see you on the 18th.