This is What Great Relationships Are Made Of (Matthew Hussey & Stephen Hussey)

I think of romance as more of something... This doesn't sound romantic as I say it, but you can almost think of it as a habit that you can cultivate. Like not something you just are, like you are just born this chivalrous knight. And I think this with a lot of traits, really, like flirtation or romance. Do you think there they're just kind of practices we can learn.

Yeah, well, yeah, it's just. Romance is really good. It's listening, isn't it? It's listening to what people like or want to experience or, or enjoy in life and then creating a world where they get more of that. And romance is just going out of your way to. to create a moment or an experience for someone. You know, the reason why in that last video, the first one, and this was Jameson's suggestion, I should say, was surprise dessert delivery. And the reason I said, hey, don't just do that on, like, a Friday night. Like, do it on a night where they wouldn't normally expect something like that. Do it on a Monday night where you've both cooked, you're tired from work, and then dessert shows up at the door because you Postmates, Uber Eats, DoorDash, seamless. What's the English one?

Deliveroo.

Deliveroo. You know, you did that, you got it delivered to the door, and it's a moment. You're creating a moment. So much of life is about creating a moment. Always ask yourself, like, what could make this a moment? Because we don't remember the, We're not remembering at the average hour in the day. I mean, honestly, ask most people what they did last weekend. They can't tell you very quickly. They're like, oh, I mean, I'm not sure. So, and that doesn't mean you have to live your life trying to create moments every hour, but ask yourself, like, have I created a moment with someone this week? Whether it's a partner, a family member, a friend, just make a moment, 'cause those are the things you actually remember. You don't remember the majority of every day. And romance to me is, Good listening, because the kind of moments you create for someone are born out of listening to the kinds of things they really love or the things that they want to experience more of. And, it's making a decision, a conscious decision that I'm going to create more moments. That part isn't always spontaneous. Spontaneity is born out of a decision to create more moments. It looks spontaneous to the other person, but you've consciously decided, I'm going to create more moments for us. Yeah.

It makes me think of that study that came out a while ago that talked about how so many great relationships were a result of frequency of positive to negative interactions and that you could, great relationships had some frequency of something like five or six positive interactions to every one negative one, like complaining or a disagreement. And, you know, you can almost boil it down to it's not how we think of things. It's almost like, you know, we, there are, there are Peak moments that get a lot of attention in life. The big success, the big win, the time you got the job, the Romantic trip. But a relationship has a lot of moments and a lot of time in it, and it is almost really Really, you want the chart to have these constant little spikes throughout the day, throughout the weeks, and that kind of builds the connection, the feeling of affection, and kind of keeps it at a constant.

I agree.

I feel like most people in some cases, they go like, Let it trail off and off and off and down, and then hope for a massive spike with some big gesture at some point.

You can't rely on the spikes because it may not be enough to overcome whatever damage you do the rest of the time or whatever, however the relationship slowly meanders into mediocrity for the rest of the year. And then you think you're gonna suddenly dwarf that by some grandiose moment. But it's not, I don't see it like that. Great relationships are an accumulation of little efforts. over time. And the more you do it, the more you don't have to do the big grand. The big grand things are a nice bonus, but you don't have to do them because your partner or your friend or your lover or whatever is aware of what a lovely, kind, considerate, interesting person you are the rest of the time. It's the same as going to the gym. You know, it's like how you think you're like, are we gonna get a great body? Because one day we do a really hard gym session. No, it's just every day, do the reps, do the reps in your relationship.

Why is it that that is seen as a weird thing? Like anything to do with practice in your love life instantly has a connotation of that's something weird, that's too optimizing, that's too analytical. But people don't think about that, about nearly anything else.

I'll tell you why, Steve. None of us like to think that we are on the receiving end of an insincere and manipulative act. That someone is doing something simply to get a result from us, not from a place of sincerity. That they are in some way programming our emotions or clinically designing our relationship with them. It doesn't fit the fairy tale view of things are just amazing between us. And it also makes us question someone's motives. But if your motives are just to make something great and the reason that you're pouring attention into a relationship, into how I please my partner, into how I can be a more attractive person, if the reason is because you want to be your best for someone, that's about as romantic as it gets. There's nothing insincere about that. And when it comes to the word manipulation, tell me what's not manipulation. Right now, I know how to use my voice in a way to create energy in a room. For 14 years, I've been public speaking. So I know if at some point I want to change the energy of my public speaking to create an energy in the room, I can do that. Is that a manipulation? Of course it is. Doesn't mean it's insincere. It just means it's an understanding of how human dynamics work, of how energy in a room works. When someone puts on makeup before a date because they want to look their best, is that manipulation? When we get good at telling a story because we've told it many times and now the next time we tell it, we're really good at telling it because we've told it a couple of times, is that manipulation? Everything's whatever you want to call it. It's all improvement in the way we come across, in the way we communicate, in the way we do things. So I get where people are coming from when they're worried about the loss of sincerity when you practice certain ways of being. But if your intentions are good, then why are you worried? My intentions are always good. When I'm coaching people, when I'm on stage and my intention is to give as much knowledge as possible to the crowd that day, and to make sure they go away having had an incredible, both an incredible time they were entertained and B go away with a wealth of knowledge, wisdom, insight, tools that they can use in their life. The motive is all positive. So what's someone going to say? Ah, you know, I wish you hadn't learned how to be an entertaining public speaker because I feel manipulated. No, the intention is to give you a great time and great knowledge. The fact that I've become good at public speaking over time is only a good thing.

I remember once when I released that guide talking about what I perceive to be your secrets to communication, there were some people who emailed in to say, oh, it seems weird to me now knowing that Matt did all these things to learn these skills of being charismatic on stage. I was like, do you know how hard it is to speak on stage well and be really compelling on camera? Do you know how much effort that takes?

I'm just really annoyed that this wasn't the one speech Matt had given in his lifetime. And it wasn't gold on its own.

It's like, go and watch Matt's first YouTube videos. He's thankfully better now than he was then.

All right.

No, I don't even think they're bad. Let me say that.

You still will.

But I'd say, I'm saying if you hadn't moved anywhere in 10 years, that would be more perplexing.

I just, people are funny. I listen, I actually truly understand both sides of the coin. None of us want to be on the receiving end of someone we feel like is using a tactic on us. Right? But that's just in, all it is is intention. That's all it is. It's all intention. And if your intentions are good and you get better at your people skills over time, then there's nothing wrong with that. It's just about being more effective. If your intentions are bad, that's on you.

Yeah, I put down three, just on this subject of romance, I put down three things, if I thought like three things that make you more romantic in general, and I think it's like, uninhibited is one, like being being more willing to wear your heart on your sleeve and say the thing you're feeling in the moment, you know, make the moment like you say you're feeling something in the moment, like put it out there and say it, take the risk. I think second is like paying attention. Like you say, a lot of your examples are about just being really not just a good listener, but then doing a bit of action based on that that shows that extra level of I listened and I've got you something really cool. I've done something thoughtful. And then the third is like, yeah, spontaneous, spontaneous giving, unexpected moments and not just waiting for the occasion.