This is Why You CAN'T FIND Love... | Matthew Hussey

Measure them based on their investment, not based on what you want them to be.

I have a massive belief that an amazing relationship is built, it's not found.

Any time you're telling someone what you don't want, you're really telling them what you've had. We spend so much of our lives not smiling first, because we're worried that someone won't smile back.

I am really puzzled by modern day commitment. It seems that People have a really hard time committing these days. There's always something better out there. I'm sure social media has a lot to do with it. People comparing their lives to others. I know in LA where I live, a lot of men have Peter Pan syndrome and they don't want to grow up. It makes me worry to get into a relationship because I feel like people are always kind of worried about maybe there's something better out there. Commitment just doesn't seem to be as honored as it used to be. causing me some fear into getting into relationships. And I think I, I just wanted to get your thoughts on that, how I can maybe work through some of that and be more trusting.

Yeah, that's a great two part question. I mean, firstly, I think in general, people are worse at committing to anything these days. I think people are worse at committing to careers. I think they're worse at committing to a life path. I think they're worse at committing to marriage. I think we, we have a shorter attention spans and also we have, I think, a certain level of entitlement these days. that makes us feel like we're entitled to a job that is amazing and exciting the whole time. And as soon as it's not, we feel like we need to quit and move on to something else. I think we feel like we're entitled to a relationship that isn't any work that's supposed to be easy. And then as soon as it's not, we start looking for the next thing. And not to mention, if you live in a place like LA and people in London or New York or many major cities will all relate to this, you do face a lot of people with a lot of different options and everything is It's in a city like this, it's everything all the time. It's everything always. You can have whatever you want any time of day. You can go out every night of the week. There are always new people. There's an endless stream of them. There's always something else going on. And that makes it somewhat difficult. Now, what we have to understand is that there are different experiences of life. There's the experience, for example, of going out and sleeping with multiple people and having kind of roster of people on the go that you enjoy and you're just seeing where that takes you and you have all the variety that comes with that. Then you have the experience, which is being with one person and sharing your day with them and figuring, finding out how they are when they get home and telling them how you are when you get home. And, you know, you go and, you go and do something with that person and you can really relate to them because you know them, you share your news with them and you want to share your news because they know how hard you worked for that promotion that you're now excited about, unlike the person you met last week who doesn't care. There's a different experience. People grow and as they mature or hopefully mature, not every guy does, but as they mature, they start to have, they value experiences differently. Some people go through their lives and they begin to truly value that sense of real meaning and connection that comes with being with one person. Other people, by the way, never get to that stage. I actually, I truly believe that that's the minority. I think that most people actually get to a point where they want more meaning in their lives.

That's very good to hear because that's kind of what I was wondering is how things have changed. And I think of my parents in the 60s or whatever, it was such a natural thing to commit to somebody and that's what you did. And now it seems more unnatural to do that because divorce is prevalent and things. But I think like you're saying inherently maybe in humans, people ultimately do want a quality experience. And so it just does, it's like a maturity thing then.

It is. And here's where the results get skewed because I think that most guys Will get to a point where they want more meaning, with the minority never wanting more meaning or having some sort of problem internally that stops them from accessing that part of themselves. Here's where the results get skewed. Many guys, because of this sense of entitlement where we think, God, before I get to a certain age, I have to have played around enough, I have to have traveled enough, I've had to have had a ton of adventure, I need to have made a certain amount of money, I need to be in a certain place in my status, in my career. They have all of these things that they feel like they need to check off before they meet the woman that they're going to spend their life with and settle down. Here's the problem. Despite this sense of entitlement, many of them never achieve all of those things by the time they meet that woman.

So all of a sudden, they're meeting.

This amazing woman and they think, God, I could marry this woman. I could spend my life with this woman. If only I'd been to all those countries I already wanted to go to. If only I feel like I played around enough, had enough adventure. If only I'd already made that money that I said I'd make, you know, I said I'd be a millionaire by 30. I'm not. I need to keep going with that. They have all of these things that they feel like they haven't done yet when they meet that person. And all of a sudden, they find themselves sabotaging a relationship, not because the relationship's wrong, but because they feel like they haven't arrived at that place in their life just yet.

That is so profound and is, I think, so true.

Yeah, it's tough. It's very, very tough. So, yeah, it's tough. Here's the key. The key isn't about trusting more. I think the idea of trust is actually misguided in many cases. The onus isn't on you to just trust people blindly. That's dumb. That's what ends up with you being murdered in a dark alley somewhere. It's just, I just trust everyone, right? You don't just trust people. What you do is you allow people to earn your trust and you give them the chance in the first place. That's all it is. I'm gonna allow you to put in that five percent of amount of effort that allows you to get five percent of my trust. then 10% and 15% and so on. That's how any relationship is built. You don't start with the trust, you build the trust. So any guy that's gonna be worthy of you has to show that he's worthy of you by the investment that he puts in and by showing you that he's actually interested in the same things that you're interested in in terms of a relationship. That's gonna be built over time. The easiest thing you can do for yourself is to look for guys in the right stage of their lives instead of trying to convert guys in the.

Wrong stage of their lives.

So, so true.

If you want to find a guy.

In the right stage of his life or you want to find out if a guy is in the right stage of his life, simply ask him the right questions when you're early on. Ask him, you know, what's, are you interested in a relationship at this stage in your life? Or do you feel like you still have more that you want to get out of your system? If you talk about his past relationship, why did you break up with that person? That will tell you a lot, by the way. Does he talk about it being, you know, he's the reason that they broke up because he wasn't ready for a relationship, or is it because of something that she was doing and therefore he just hadn't found the right person? If you ask the questions, he'll give you the answers. Most women never ask the questions, and so they never get the truth from a guy because they don't want to hear it. So just go and be smart about it. I'm, I, you know, I, you're gonna be fine because you're, you're clearly an intelligent person. You clearly want the result, and you're clearly measured. You're not biased. You just want to find someone great. So keep going out there, keep your chin up. And when you talk to guys, measure them based on their investment, not based on what you want them. to be.

This has been a very, very, very insightful chat with you. I appreciate it so much.

You're so welcome.

I feel like we've covered a lot of ground in a few minutes. You did, you did, you did.

I appreciate it very much.

You're so welcome.

Thank you, Kalani. I'll speak to you soon.

I have a particular problem in my profession, and that's that people constantly ask me, how do I know when I've met the one? Or they'll ask me, how do I find the one. The problem for me is that when people ask these questions, I have a hard time telling them the truth about what I actually believe. That's a lie. I used to have a hard time telling them the truth about what I believe. Now I find it much easier. The one doesn't exist. Not only do I not think it's real, but I'm glad that the idea of the one isn't real. Firstly, why it's not real. Take Jane. Jane has met the one at her college class. In fact, he just happened to sit next to her in her sociology class. She says he's the one. I'm so so happy that I finally met him. And what an incredible world where the one was sitting next to me in my sociology class. That would be an incredible world, Jane. Because there's seven billion people on Earth. This is slightly simplistic, but let's say 3.5 billion of them are men. Many of them are too young, and many of them are too old. We're left with approximately one billion guys. Let's just put these numbers into context for a minute. One billion guys, one of those guys is the one. Let's take a woman who meets three guys a day, every day for the next 50 years, which we already know is a ludicrously high number of guys, because most women don't meet three guys a day. But let's say they do. Over 50 years, that's around 55,000 guys that she meets. Well, 55,000 guys as a percentage of one billion is 0.005% chance that she'll meet the one. Now think about that. That's meeting three guys a day for 50 years and she still only has a.005% chance of meeting the one. And yet we look around and we know anecdotally that far more than.005% of women have found a guy that they want to spend the rest of their life with. So why are these numbers so different? Here's the point. We want to believe in the idea of the one. Human beings crave this idea.

One of the reasons I believe we.

Crave it is because we like simplicity. We don't like the idea that many.

People could be the one.

We like the idea that there's one person out there that's right for us. It's what movies have taught us, it's what books have taught us, and it seems neat and tidy because if there's just one person out there, then I can just keep searching for that one person who it's supposed to be perfect with. What we have to do is we just have to sit back and wait for the one to arrive. And when they do, we'll know about it. There's a reason that I don't like this concept. What happens when you're in a relationship and the one cheats on you? What happens when you're in a relationship and the one starts disrespecting you or treating you badly consistently? There are two schools of thought on this. One person would say stick around because they're the one. You have to fight it out and make it work because they're the one. Which of course is a recipe for living your life out with someone who doesn't meet your standards. The other person would say no leave because that means he's not the one. Leave because the one is still out there. They're not the one. It's what leads to chronic relationship hopping. It's what leads people to consistently leave relationships when they find out they're not perfect and passionate every single day. Part of the problem is that we live in this incredibly entitled society. We have this entitlement culture where we believe, we're led to believe, that we're supposed to just find the one and it be amazing, that we're entitled to that. And I think that's a problem. We're not entitled to something, but we do have the opportunity to create something. And this, to me, is. This is my big argument. You know, i'm not a cynic. People will be watching this, and this is what you'll see in the comments, is people go, oh, but. Matt, life has meaning and it somehow brings the one to you and that's how it works and you just don't get that, you're a cynic. I'm not a cynic. I believe that the idea of love at first sight is the most unromantic idea there is. If we believe that the one comes ready-made, we know we don't really have to work on a relationship. This person comes to us ready for us and I think that's an abhorrent concept. The idea that I could look at someone across the room and oh, they're just right for me and they've done nothing for me but they're just right for me. What an insult to a of 50 years where people look back and go, Look at what this person has done for me. That's what makes them special, is how much they've invested in me, what we've built together. The idea of love at first sight is an insult to long-term relationships where people have actually built something through effort, through hard work. That to me is what's romantic, when people stick around for each other, when people look after each other, when they're a genuine team. I think what's romantic is when someone builds a relationship with us. I have a massive belief that an amazing relationship is built, it's not found. Creating opportunities the fact that we even have the ability to do that, to walk outside and go and do it again, so that someone could break up with us and we have the ability to do it again, that we could lose our partner, someone could pass away, and we have the ability to go out there and find happiness again. It's one of the most redeeming parts of love, is that it's possible to find love again if we should need to. Now, God forbid that happens to us, but when it does, I don't want to be worried about the one argument and how I can never be happy again. I want to have that redeeming quality that knows I can go out there and make this happen again if I want to. It is up to me. I can find happiness again. By the way, does this mean that everybody could be right for us?

No.

There's still a percentage of people that we could make it work with and that may be a very small percentage, but it's a lot better as odds than finding the one. Oh, I'm sorry.

You caught me in the middle of dating. Online dating is a mess.

There is so much we cannot control. But there is one thing we can control: our own profiles.

And there is a mistake I see.

Made over and over again in people's profiles: the unloading of one's baggage. I'll give you an example.

Let's say there's a guy swiping along.

And, well, he finds a lovely lady and he thinks to himself, you, know what? Instead of rushing through this one, I'll actually dive in and read her description. And it reads, Not looking for something casual and not interested in anyone fresh out of a relationship. Now, what's the problem with that? She's just talking about what she doesn't want, right?

She's talking about her standard.

But here's the problem.

He's not seeing a standard.

He's seeing baggage. In other words, she's telegraphing way more than she's intending to telegraph. He's now seeing a woman who has been burned in the past. He's thinking, well, okay, so I guess this woman has been in a bunch of casual situations with guys where she wanted more and they didn't. Why didn't they want more? with her. And what's this very specific criteria about not wanting a guy who's fresh out of a relationship? I guess she dated someone who was in a relationship and then was with her but he wasn't ready or maybe he was busy with work or maybe she just didn't have what he needed. Why am I even thinking about this guy?

This is weird.

The point is she sounds kind of angry and bitter and just Look, anytime you're telling someone what you don't want, you're really telling them what you've had. And someone might say, yeah, but it's really important for me to say that I don't want this. Fine, but that's kind of disingenuous because you don't want a lot of things. You don't want a serial killer, but you don't list that in your profile. You chose to list something very specific. So what you're really saying is, this is my open wound that I'm now.

Putting in front of you.

It is much more impactful and puts you in a much more attractive light to talk about what you do want, what you're excited about. So instead she could say, looking for someone else who's excited about the idea of building a real connection. That shows I have standards and I'm just a bloody delight to be around. Framing something in the positive like that.

Is so much better than listing the.

Things you don't want, which only shows your baggage.

It's no different than someone who writes.

In their profile, if you're a f*ck boy, swipe left.

No hookups.

Look, I get what you're doing. You're trying to eliminate the douchebags, but that doesn't work. The douchebag you're trying to eliminate has already swiped right on you when he saw a hot picture. He wasn't reading your profile and going, oh, she says no hookups. Better take her word for it. Don't want to get in any trouble here.

No.

He'S already messaging you right now.

So it doesn't eliminate the douchebags, but.

What framing all of those negative things.

You don't want does is it has.

The potential to scare away the guys you do want. Because the guy you want is looking at your profile and asking himself, does this seem like a positive person that I would want to spend time with? You can spend your whole life trying to filter out the douchebags. The reality is they're gonna get through. When you're an attractive person, you attract lots of different types of people. When you have a great net, you catch all sorts of fish.

That's never going away.

Stop focusing on eliminating the person you don't want and start focusing on what will attract the person you do want. And by the way, if you liked this video and you realize just how important language is in attraction, you're gonna want what I have to tell you about now. My free nine texts guide where I give you the nine copy and paste text messages that when you send any one of them to a guy he'll say oh my god that is the single greatest text message any woman has ever sent me. I must have her and she's like Wow I guess downloading Matthew Hussy's free texting guide at nine texts text.com was the greatest decision of my life. Go download it. We'll see you next week, friends. It probably is the worst of all worlds in some people's eyes because it feels like there's not a lot of choice when it comes to choosing. Like, it feels like, God, everyone's flaky, people aren't actually trying. it's the minimum possible effort being put in by these people, or as we call it, the MPI guy, minimum possible investment. And yet they, on the other side, seem to have endless choice. And that makes me feel like there's a sea of people I can't possibly compete with in, quote, winning the dating game. So what are your thoughts on that, Steve, or just the fact that people just feel like How do I possibly compete with all the options people seem to have these days?

Yeah, I'm trying to think when I am on, if I'm using dating apps and I'm out there, do I think of competition? I certainly think of the fact that people can ignore you very easily and that it's very, like people are just not very invested when they match with you. And so it can make you take rejection a lot harder because you feel that, like, oh, I matched with them, and then suddenly they stopped talking to me. So what did I do wrong? But of course, the, the truth on the other side might be, well, they've got loads of other matches. They've got a life. Maybe they're not spending time on the app. Maybe they've been, they've got other stuff going on in their dating life that's kind of, you know, causing them to go on other tangents. So you kind of, you know, my strategy for that sort of thing is to just stop assuming things about people's lives and stop assuming everything is a message about me.

Well, just to pause you there, though, because I just want to pick up on that point. It's interesting if people say, well, yeah, but I have a life, but I still, when I match with someone, I have an attitude of actually seeing where it goes. And I just can't stand this world now where Everyone treats interactions so flippantly. You know, I'm actually looking for someone and so when I match with someone, I put a little investment into that and it just seems like no one else does. What's your, do you think they're just, they're just seeing it wrong or they're just not being contextual for the platform in the way that they're thinking?

I mean, they are diagnosing a problem with what dating apps do. And I always tell people, I do not have a dog in this fight. I have no reason to promote dating apps specifically. I have no reason with our business, our company has no reason to rally against them. So, so it's like, I don't have a dog in this fight. I think the, I'm definitely for, if you want to be out there using dating apps, but herein lies one of the things of, you know, there is a truth about how different people are using them. Some people are just using them for attention and validation and compliments or they just turn on a profile when they barely pay any attention to it and they swipe on it, but they don't really, they'd rather sit home and play video games tonight. They can't be bothered to actually go on a date. And so there is this thing where all this stuff is happening and yes, people do have choice. Like it does, it does happen. Like if I've been actively using them for you know, a month or two months saying you might then have a bunch of matches and it is kind of like, oh man, there's a lot like, like how do I even like decide a filter here to decide like who I'm interested in, who I'm not so interested in, like it becomes another job. It becomes overwhelming, but that's the point. I think you've got to realize that if you're on the online dating thing in some sense you are in a bit a little bit of a numbers game where some people are just not in the place right now who are on the app and might seem cool. There's just all a thousand reasons why they haven't got time. Maybe they do have 10 matches before you and they've already arranged a bunch of dates. Like, maybe that's just already happened and you're too late. Or, like, all these other stuff. Maybe they've dated, like, 10 people right now and they're absolutely burnt out and they think, I don't want to use this thing for a while, so. I do think, yeah, you might think, well, I have a life, but I'm still using this thing. But you kind of have to meet the person at the right time as well. Timing is a thing. And sometimes you've got to sift through a bit to find the person who's in the right spot that you're in as well. That is a part of dating. It's not just compatibility.

See, I'm kind of interested in the, like, this idea of who should be the first Mover or who should be the person who, who gives a little more first? Because in a world where people like Steve, even in my own non-dating life, I've been going through just in the last couple of weeks, what I've been quite enjoying is just saying to myself, I'm just gonna, in my general interactions, and I don't even mean, like, speaking to people, just in, in seeing people on the street or walking past people, I'm gonna give just. two percent more than normal or five percent more than normal. And so I just treat the world, you know what it was like, Steve, when we first went to, like, Florida? And we just thought sort of, it's sort of interesting just to be in a place where, at least in the sort of resorts we were in, that people would just say hello to you.

Yeah.

And, yeah, that was like a, it was like, oh, wow, people are really, they're really nice. And the more you are that way, or sorry, the more other people are that way, the more you kind of start getting into that vibe yourself and it starts making you, suddenly you wake up the next morning and you're walking through the hotel and you go, hi, to someone you don't know. You're like, hey, how's it going? Because you're like, oh, that's what's normal here. And I have been doing that just in my, in my everyday life is just going, you know what? I'm really going to just walk around as a friendlier person than other people. and just, and just, you know, we spend so much of our lives not smiling first because we're worried that someone won't smile back or not saying good morning because we're worried that someone's going to think we're weird. And, you know, I made a conscious effort to be like, no, I'm just going to be that person who's makes the world a little bit of a friendlier place. Now, of course, in that context, other than just giving because it feels good to give, if it doesn't have any, any real implications for me, it's not like I'm likely to see that person again tomorrow and they're gonna suddenly realize, oh, it was that guy who was friendly to me last time. Good morning. Like, it's not that. But in our dating lives, it can have real implications if you're that way. If. If you decide, you know what? This culture, you know, Jameson often quotes that Mitch album quote that if the culture isn't serving you, you have to be prepared to create your own culture. You have to be brave enough to make a culture that you want to be in. And in a sense, we all do create these mini cultures around us, whether it's the culture we help to create in our family, in our company, in our relationship, or in our dates. We put out energy that that can transform the culture of whatever little ecosystem we're operating in. And I think about that because it's easy to say, well, if someone's not trying, don't bother. That's kind of an easy response. Oh, well, if you notice someone's not, if you notice someone's kind of not really doing much in the early stages, don't bother. and I do kind of agree with that, but with a caveat that people respond, we can have an impact in the equation.

Oh, yeah.

You know what I mean? It's not, we're not, to say that just a blanket statement, don't bother, is to suggest we have no power.

Yeah.

That nothing we do influences somebody else. I don't show up to a speech and think in the first five seconds, well, if this crowd's really cold, just don't bother. What I think is, I know I can have a massive influence on this crowd in 20 minutes. This can be a different crowd based on what I do. Now, that's a different, I'm not comparing that with dating because it's different. We don't want to keep trying with someone who's not giving us much, but I am I am sort of in favor of deciding an amount of energy that you're happy to give away. Like, decide what amount of energy you're content with giving away and. And never getting back and be prepared to give that without being too discriminating. You know, just give it like this guy. I don't know him, and he doesn't know me, so he can't really hurt me. And, or she can't really hurt me, you know? It's not, I don't have to think about this in personal terms. And, and by the way, that kind of is why I think sometimes we do ourselves a disservice by constantly waiting for the other person to, to give first. Because when we do that, we're assuming we matter to this person more than we do right now. It's a bit of a chicken and egg thing. Like someone you mean nothing to isn't going to try very hard. They may try on the basis that they really want a relationship.

Yeah.

But that doesn't mean they're going to try with you. You know, that energy still, they have so much to give and they give it in certain directions. And like you say, there's a hundred reasons why someone might not be giving it in this very moment to you. But I kind of feel like you do not know how much energy someone has to give unless you are willing to give up a little energy. And to see if that lights them up, to see if that somehow creates a level of momentum. And it has to be, once there is momentum, it has to be kind of self-perpetuating. It can't be, you have to keep peddling for the electricity to stay on. Right? It has to be like you fire up the generators and now the thing is humming.

Yeah.

But sometimes to fire up the generators, someone has to give a little. And I. And I sometimes think that people are so guarded, so protected, so worried about looking cool or indifferent that they never give that first five percent of energy that could fire up the generators. They never give that 5% of warmth that could create warmth. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, absolutely. I think there's a sense where people think when I get the green light, I will then, like, Wonderful Me will appear. And it doesn't really work like that. You do show the best of yourself as you get to know someone, but people, there's not really a thing in life where someone is like, oh, when people are nice to me at the party, then I'm like, charismatic, cool person. Usually that person walks into the party with an energy, with a giving spirit, with a sense of actually kind of. I know this sounds like a corny term, but, like, some people, like, bring love into a room. Do you know what I mean? They. They show up into the room, and they're already exuding, like, love for the people in the room and. good energy and, you know, good vibes, as they would say. But, and you could see, oh, they're bringing that and people then respond well to them because that person walked into the party smiling, being friendly, and that person is more likely to get the warm side. They're not going to get everyone. Some people are going to be, like, guarded and closed, but other people are going to be like, oh, hey, this person seems really, like, open and friendly, and I feel good around them, so I'm gonna. I'm going to gravitate towards them and dating is the same and like you say people are very I think it's totally right when we give the message that you cut the wrong people off early. I just think there's a sense where people sometimes want someone to bring them everything first before they ever step out or before they give or before they say hey, maybe I'm putting myself on the line and sending a message now and saying something I like about them. Maybe that's got to be me who does that.

Well, the distinction is if you're the one who keeps throwing out energy and not getting it back, you then have to be honest with yourself about that.

Yeah.

There's no shame in taking a risk and it not paying off. But if you keep injecting energy into a situation and you keep trying to resuscitate it and you're the life support of this relationship all the time or this, this, you know, Dynamic you have with someone in the early stages. That then is something you have to look at. It's then a question of asking, not what's wrong with them? Why do they not respond? Why are the question really is, what's happening with you that in spite of not getting the same amount of energy back, in spite of not getting equal investment, you continue to, you know, put the, what are they called in medicine? When they, the, when they put the things on your heart to resuscitate you.

What do you call Defibrillator.

Defibrillator. If you're the good, very, very quick, if you, there's one of those defibrillators at the top of Runyon, by the way, in a hike in LA. There's like a steep part as you go up. It's, it's, it's like the, the hard way up has a defibrillator at the top.

Wow.

Just in case. Yeah. But if you're the defibrillator.

That.

And.

And you're constantly having to do that. Then you have to ask yourself, why do I keep doing this? What's happening with me that I'm not prepared to lose this person? Yeah. Because that, to me, is the real danger. People, to me, they don't assess. We all. We all. I mean, me included. We don't assess danger correctly. we go into a scenario on an app or even a scenario where we go over to someone and say hi. And the idea of being rejected by that person is just death. You know, someone, we go straight back to high school and it's, we're being rejected by, you know, that girl, that guy in front of all of our friends and their friends, and we're never going to live it down and. you know, I'm sure that I truly believe there is some incredible biological evolutionary reason for this, you know, this deep, deep fear we have of what it means if we're rejected, what it says about our social and sexual status in the tribe and what it means for our ability to, you know, find love, procreate, all of that. I truly believe that those, that impulse runs deep. but what we have to do is almost start to understand what the real danger is, which is not a rejection that you get when you first talk to someone and they decide they don't want to go on a date with you. The real danger is when we keep investing in someone and it's not paying off and that person's giving us just enough to keep us hanging on. And that is the part that I see all the time. And that's where real self-analysis has to come in. And you say, what is happening with me? What is it I am scared of? What, you know, whether it's abandonment, whether it's I'll never find anyone again, whether it's I'm running out of time, whether it's what is that thing? What is that thought? That story I'm telling myself? that makes it so frightening to lose someone that I will continue to invest energy in a situation where the effort is not equal. Do you want to change your life? Go to this video now, immediately, right now. Be wildly attracted to someone. Think someone is incredibly sexy. You know what's powerful? Someone knowing that you think they're incredibly sexy and attractive and also knowing that that has no effect on your behavior.