Too Afraid To Love?

Hi everybody, welcome to Love Life. On the line right now we have Christine, a caller. Christine, are you there?

Hi, how are you?

I'm so great, how are you?

Great.

Thank you so much for calling in. What was your question, Christine? So.

I always open up myself and I'm very vulnerable, but as soon as they try to like you know, take action and they show that they care back. I start to pull away and I start to like not want to commit even though like consciously like I want to and I don't know if it's a subconscious thing and I keep making excuses or I don't know what's going on but do you want to give you an example?

Sure.

So about two months ago during spring break I met this guy at like in class and we were talking for a while. But he asked me out during spring break and I said okay. And then things started coming up and.

I realized that he probably, you know, he has like a lot of other women in his life. Not a lot, but like one other woman who he, I think he's in love with her honestly. But he asked me out and then I got scared and I told him, that I think it's best if we just stay friends and we don't hang out outside of school.

But I can't help but think that.

It'S not because of him and like the way that his life is right now, but it's because of me and I'm just like afraid. Because this isn't the first time it's happened.

What are you afraid of?

That he's gonna hurt me and... and what happened last time is gonna happen again.

And what happened last time?

I was completely committed and I put too much of myself into the relationship when he wasn't giving enough back.

And.

I didn't know how to take myself out of the situation without making it bad. So it ended badly. And yeah, I just don't want that to happen again.

So let me ask you a question, Christine. What lesson did you learn from that relationship? What did you Take the lesson to be from that time that you got hurt. What did it teach you?

Did it teach you- It's a healthy relationship.

Did it teach you never invest?

It's like give and take and I shouldn't give way more than I get back.

So you shouldn't give more than you get back?

Not overly more. So- It should always be like somewhat of a balance.

That's the logical lesson you took. But the emotional lesson you took was quite different from that. Cause that's, if you say it out loud, that sounds very, very normal, very reasonable. But if you actually look at your behavior, it probably speaks more of this lesson. The lesson I took was never invest because you'll get hurt.

Right.

So I think we need to go back for a moment to that relationship where you get hurt. Because that relationship where you were hurt, that was kind of a defining moment for you, wasn't it?

Definitely.

So now in life's defining moments, we have to decide what they mean. It's not going to change the fact that it's a defining moment, but it will determine what it defines. So you have to now decide what lesson you want to take from that, because the beauty of life is that we can go back to any experience from any moment of our life. And we can't change the past, but we can change what it means. and we have the potential to time travel back there anytime we want and change the meaning. So what if we were to revisit your past right now and revisit that relationship and change the lesson to a more empowering one, to a lesson that actually would help your love life today, not hurt it, but still at the same time allow you to protect yourself. What lesson would you take from it now?

I need to figure out where he stands before I commit more. I should be more communicative.

So perhaps, because you don't always know everything that someone's feeling before you decide to take a risk, do you? So sometimes it's necessary to take a small risk without knowing how someone feels. But I agree with you about being more communicative. Because if you could communicate, if you had communicated more with your ex, you might not have got to a point of such pain.

Exactly.

So perhaps the lesson is if I learn to communicate better and not be afraid of the answers, I'll find out what I need to find out about a situation. That's one potential lesson that you could take. Another potential lesson is, you know what? Relationships can create pain. They can also create immense pleasure. They can do both. And I know that every relationship has the potential to create pain. And sometimes they'll create pain even if it's the right relationship. They'll create good pain. But I know that pain is part of this. So rather than try and avoid pain, which is crazy, it's like trying to stop breathing, right? If you want to live, you have to breathe. If you want a relationship, you have to be prepared for a little pain. That's okay because I believe you want a relationship more than you want to avoid the pain.

Is that true?

Right.

Yeah. So right now, if you revisit that lesson and say, okay, the lesson isn't don't invest in a guy. That's a stupid lesson. And that just makes you a cold person who's so busy trying to get something that they can't give something. and I don't believe that's who you are. I don't believe that. Do you think that's who you are?

No, it's not.

So you can give and accept that someone has the potential to hurt you. But I think there's a real big lesson here that's bigger than all of these lessons. And I think it's this, that that that relationship taught you that it's possible to recover Because right now you're out there living, right? You're not dying, you're living, you're recovering. That relationship taught you that it's possible to recover, but it also taught you that when you know something isn't right, you have the power to walk away from it.

Right.

You have the power to leave. And I think something that's really scaring you right now is what if I invest in someone and I get close to them and all of a sudden they start treating me the wrong way and they don't give me the love that I deserve, but I'm not strong enough to walk away.

Because exactly.

I'm too close to them and I'm too bound up in this relationship. I think you're afraid to get into that situation again. But I think the real lesson is that you're strong enough to walk away from any situation that isn't right for you, even if it hurts.

I completely agree.

And if that's the lesson, then you can go into another relationship. And that doesn't mean walking blindly into everything. Of course you have to be careful. But being careful isn't the same as avoiding investing altogether. So the next time you go into a relationship, you can know that you can invest and you can get close to someone. And if it doesn't work out and if that man doesn't prove to be worthy of you, you have the strength to walk away.

Yeah, and there's plenty of other people out there.

Plenty of other people out there, as you are proving, by the way, right now.

Right?

You met another guy already. And guess what? There'll be another guy after this one.

Yeah.

So it's time now not to stop investing, right? There's no way that you can live the rest of your life not investing, so why even start that path? Your goal right now should be to go out there and invest in people and be generous with your energy, but walk away when you know they're not worthy of it. Not walk away just because you're paranoid and scared.

Thank you so much. That makes so much sense.

Thank you, Christine. It's been such a pleasure to have you on the call. Thank you for your time. When you get a chance, leave me a comment on Facebook. Let me know how you got on and let me know how it's helped you and helped your feelings as you move forward. And thank you for being so brave.

And courageous in opening up on the call.

Okay, thank you. All right, you take care. Thank you, everybody, for listening to Love Life. That was such a great caller. Thank you so much to Christine. If you have a question, Call in 844-204-MATT that's 844-204-6288 and we'll answer your question here on Love Life.