Unsure Whether He’s Right For You? | Matthew Hussey

We spend so much time trying to, quote, kind of find someone like who I am, when what we're really craving is someone who has an acceptance of who I am. And I think we confuse the two. She said, I am in my 40s, I'm looking for love, and I find myself in the strange situation of not really knowing what I want to do next in my life. And she said, the reason this is surreal for me is that for years I've been in a situation where I'm very career driven, I know what I want, and I have made good money. And I've always found it unattractive if someone tells me they're not sure what they want to do next. In fact, so unattractive that the last person that she dated, she decided wasn't right for them because he found himself in a stage of his life where he was questioning what his path was. She said, I now find myself in that uncomfortable position of being in that situation that I would normally find unattractive. She also went on to say that she is looking for someone who, like her, is entrepreneurial, driven, and makes a certain amount of money because she makes a certain amount of money. So I. I obviously had an answer for her. But I'm wondering, Stephen, what your initial thoughts are in a situation like this where someone has predetermined that the kind of person that they will be attracted to is this very specific set of things, which is something, on some level, we're all guilty of at some point in our lives.

Yeah, I. I've said before, I think it's fine to have.

We.

We're all going to have some things that we're really, really into. I mean, we spoke a while ago about how I. Which. Which evokes some response from our listeners, but I said I would want to be with someone who's a reader, a partner. And some people were like, hell, yeah, Steve, I agree. I'm a reader, and it's really important to me. And some people are like, you're being too judgmental, like, why it's not such a big deal. Why. Why do you think? Like, why do you have this arrogance that someone has to be a reader?

And has your thinking evolved on that since Stephen? Or do you remain in the camp of don't call me unless you read?

I think. I think what we discussed on it is accurate, is that it's about the traits it shows about someone. It's.

It's.

Do I want someone who is devoted to lifelong curiosity learning, you know, exposing himself to new ideas? Yes, I Don't think I would be happy with someone who wasn't a learner. If you want to go to that, like, okay, I do like sitting and reading a physical book and that's a lovely activity for me. It's not that I need to look over in the corner and see someone else doing the same thing, although that might be fun to do together, but it is, it's a trait. And so I get with this person who's saying she's ambitious, she's entrepreneurial. I, I think we all go through stages of life where we are very judgmental of other people. And I think we. You definitely see a lot of people in their 20s do this as well, where they feel such a level of unearned certainty about everything they are and what they're never going to do. And it's like, you know when you say, like, I'll never be like that couple, I'll never do what my parents did. I'll never do what that person does. And, you know, it's like life humbles you in all sorts of ways. There's lots of things you end up doing or mistakes you end up making that you never thought you were capable of. So I think we do need, we need some humility about this. I don't think it's wrong to know that. See, we don't always want people like us. That's the issue, isn't it? Just because I, I consider myself a driven person and have always been ambitious and quite achievement oriented. But I don't, I don't think someone else I was with would have to be just like me. I don't think that's the case. Right.

Jameson, is there anything that you once upon a time told yourself was important to you that just ceased to be important at all?

Well, I don't know if it ceased to be important at all, but it is interesting the way Steve put it about being humbled. I think one of the things that really humbles me is when I think about how much I ended up being a lot like my parents. I was just thinking about that where it's like, yeah, I told myself I'd never be in this kind of relationship or I told myself I would never act like this in this situation. Then you, you do catch yourself as you get a little bit older, like, oh, that's literally a phrase my dad used to say or something. And I do think that's humbling for me. There's like one thing that since I got married, I probably watched a lot less documentary films than before. I got married, and I don't want to say documentary films aren't important to me, but apparently not that important, like I do still. So there's two points here. One, I like the differences between me and my wife, and, like, I like the different tastes. I don't. I didn't need to go for someone who is exactly like me. But there is always that thing we go back to which is like, can they scuba dive?

Explain that for us. Jameson, what was that. What was that metaphor about?

Right, so the scuba dive metaphor is maybe this person doesn't like documentaries just out of the gate. This is not their natural inclination to watch this thing on genocide in Indonesia, you know, but can that person put on some scuba gear and breathe underwater? It's not their natural environment underwater, but will they scuba dive with you because they know it's important to you? And, you know, this was made clear to me over the weekend, actually. I was speaking to an old college friend of mine. I was out with a beer with my friend Kamal, and my wife was there. And, you know, we just asked Kamal what dating is like right now for him, and he's deep in the art world and he was just like, saying, like, he just really wants someone who understands how important being a part of the art world is to him and his career and just his everyday life. And I was just looking at Bianca and we were just kind of laughing because we just were both excited about the moment where he met someone who was not into art at all, because that's how we know that's, oh, Kamal's messed up. He's in love. Because she's not into art at all. Now she needs to scuba dive, most likely for his career or whatever. She needs to be able to work the room at like these art parties or whatever he goes to. But I don't know, there is something interesting about like that type of compatibility where it's not ready made or natural, but there's that person who's willing to understand the environment that's important to you and willing to scuba dive in it with you for you.

I think it's really sweet when someone. I think it is one of the sweetest things someone can do is do something that you like doing. Pretending to like something is never a good. A good idea, but being. Being someone who knows that something is important to your partner and therefore asking them about it, showing curiosity is. That's a very sweet thing to do. God knows Audrey has no doubt, long since passed the point of having. Having had enough about talking about Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. But she asks me, and when I get to a new level, she gets excited for me.

I do, I do.

That's right, I do.

But you're very sweet as well. I think passion is incredibly attractive.

So when someone's really passionate about something.

And they really care about it, it's just there's something very sort of something attractive about that.

Well, the funny thing is, if. If you're Kamala and you want someone who understands, in his words, that it's, you know, how. What were the words? How important it is to be part of the art world.

Yeah. Just how sort of like breakfast, lunch and dinner, he needs to be researching, learning, talking about art in order to stay, like, on top of his game.

So he wants someone who understands why he spends so much time thinking about, focusing on living and breathing that world.

Yeah, right, right.

Which, as Audrey says, helps. If you're good at selling it, if you're good at being passionate about it and being excited about it, and you can sort of just infect someone with your passion, then that can go a long way.

It's tricky, though, right, because you can end up that. And I don't know your friend at all, Jameson, so I don't say this about them, but you can end up with one person very much turning the whole relationship on them, and they're like, this is my obsession. I live for this. And the other person might be like, yeah, well, I've got things I'm really into as well, and I can't live for your obsession and something I love as well. So does it end up being, like, quite a selfish demand?

I suppose Kamau is getting at finding someone who's understanding of the amount of time he spends there and how involved he is with that world. And look, that's fine, but we have to recognize that what we're asking for, you have to say, well, what would I say if someone else asked for that? Which they might. Am I willing to give that to somebody else? And a lot of people who say, I need someone who understands that XYZ is so important to me, they get real quiet when that's flipped on them. They're like, well, they're going to need you to understand how important this other thing is to you that you have no interest in. And that's when you realize whether you've got something that's mutual or you've just got one person who thinks that what they do is the most important thing in the world and someone needs to just fit into that. That's not a team. So I think a very common thing in choosing a partner is that we turn the language of they need to appreciate this part of me into they need to be. Be that part of me.

Right.

I don't actually. I don't actually know how important. And again, I'm not putting you on the spot, Steve, but I don't actually, in reality know how important it would be to you to find someone who, quote, goes after what they want. I think that finding a champion of you is important, but I don't know how important it is that they actually have that kind of drive or mindset themselves.

Well, here's it. Digging deeper. Here's what I think when people like what I said or what the person who asked the original question said. She said she wanted someone who.

Or she wanted someone who was an entrepreneur, who was driven and ambitious and who also made money like her.

So if I was psychoanalyzing a bit deeper, what I think it might be is, it's if you identify as someone who doesn't want to live like, an unfulfilled life or you, you want to live at a certain you, you don't want to be someone who is afraid to step into, like, something, you know, you. You don't want to be, identify as someone who hides from life or who doesn't, you know, if something you are passionate about, you want to think, I'm the kind of person who would have the courage to go with that. And I think you, you the fear of perhaps the questioner, and perhaps what I'm saying about myself is that I don't. I wouldn't want to end up with someone who I thought was happy or complacent or was happy to just not, not fulfill anything they wanted. Like, if they did want certain things or they did have a vision for their lives, you wouldn't want to be with someone who lacked that passion or that drive or that, you know, that. That determination to do what made them happy or to do what fulfilled them. You know what I mean? That's kind of giving it generous language. But, you know, I think we think, oh, I want them to make money like me. I want them to have this job or do this. But I think in some way we just mean, like, I want them to have certain traits that I feel. I don't want to live with someone who has a complacent attitude to life.

I think that we spend so much time trying to, quote, kind of find someone like who I am, when what we're really craving is someone who has an acceptance of who I am. And I think we confuse the two. And when we find someone who truly accepts how we are, we suddenly start developing a very different level of acceptance of who they are. Because it's a very contagious gift. When you get that gift from somebody, you want to give that gift back.