Was It Too Soon to Sleep With Them…? | Ft. Emily Morse

Going back to your earlier question, if I show a guy that what I like, they're going to think I'm slutty. They're going to think I'm easy because I know this stuff. But all I'm saying is that might be the paradigm, but let's switch that. We have the power to show up as fully empowered, intelligent women who know what we want. And I'm telling you, the more that we all do that together, the more men are going to be like, Thank you. I love this. This makes so much better for all of us.

I have something so special for you today. This is a clip from a conversation that I had with Dr. Emily Morse, renowned sex therapist and in my opinion, second to none in this area. She is the host of the podcast Sex with Emily. She is the writer of the new book Smart Sex, which everybody should go and get a copy of. And if you don't believe me, listen to this conversation and you will by the end of it. It was so powerful. This is a clip from that two-hour conversation. Of course, if you're a Love Life club member, you can watch the whole thing and listen to the whole thing. If you're not a Love Life club member, go to joinlovelife.com and become one. But for now, enjoy this clip from this conversation. This is Dr. Emily Morse. A question that comes up a lot from women around sex and their value, especially in early dating and the association that I may give up my value in some way by either having sex with someone or even perhaps more subtly, because there's that that's a kind of very obvious way of if I have sex, have I given up my power? But there's also the fear of if I show I'm very sexual to a guy, is that guy gonna somehow think I'm less valuable? Are they gonna think that you know, because of all their associations and societal programming, are they gonna think that, oh, I, I don't want her because she's clearly got a lot of sexual experience. She's really sexual. I don't like that. There is all these messed up associations that. So. And by the way, you don't have to spend long on Reddit to realize that there are a lot, an awful lot of guys who do have those associations. And so I don't know the best way to get into this. but it's such a complex and big area. But on a practical level, there's a lot of women out there who are trying to figure out how sexual should I be? Because I don't, I want to maintain my power. And it feels like I may be giving it up without even choosing to because he sees me differently based on how I bring sexuality into the dating process.

Yeah, you know, I would, I, I love this conversation because I think it's so So important that this has been around for so long, this notion that women are told to be like sexy, but not too sexy, be available, not too available, know what you're doing, but not too much and keep your numbers low. And there's all this way that our sexuality has been policed. And so as a result of that, that's why women are walking around feeling not sexy, not turned on, not having orgasms, because we're so concerned with all of these guys are going to think about us. and I think at the end of the day, first, I mean, my easy answer is like, well, that's not your guy, the one that's going to judge you because of all the, your sexual history. But that's too simplistic. So I think that the, that the women who truly understand their sexuality, what they need to be turned on, they're not having perform. Okay, let me reverse that into there. So a lot of my early sex was performative. I was having sex to that. I thought looked good, was pleasing my partner. I wanted to be the best at giving, the best at doing everything, moving my body in the way that I had seen in porn, or the way, you know, it was just performative. And I think that what I found is that's a very common experience. And I had to unlearn. I faked orgasms. I faked pleasure. I had a good time. Don't get me wrong. Like, I like making out. I like kissing. I love men. I love all those things. But I, was thought like, I am in service. I'm in service. And I think it's a subliminal message that a lot of women get. And I really hope to change that narrative right now. And so by asking this question, I'm going to tell women that I, it was really tough to unlearn and be like, this is the point where I'd usually fake it. And I've had to stop and say, and through, that's why I started out saying, let's get in touch with our bodies again, whether it's through masturbation, whether it's through movement, through dance, through realize and breath work, through realizing that when the power is in your knowing of your body and what feels good. And then once you start to give yourself pleasure, give yourself orgasm, you'll realize like, I can't settle for less. I know what it feels like to be empowered, to be embodied, and other kinds of sex just doesn't do it for me. I don't owe anyone anything. I'm not going to act the way I don't need to act. And I'm going to relearn what it means. I had to unlearn and then relearn. And so I think once you come from that place of experience and knowledge and confidence, I honestly think that you really will not be thinking about, you won't be making decisions on who you're going to sleep with and who you're not and what you're going to do based on these external beliefs that other people are going to judge you because you have a knowing and you're in touch with your intuition. You know, like, this seems like a good guy to be with. And you know what? I had a one night, I had sex with him last night and it felt good to me. And if he doesn't call me, I really don't care. If I had texted him three times and he blows me off, I enjoyed that. I enjoyed that time because I got what I wanted, what I needed. I did my best. I thought it was good. It wasn't. I'm not gonna spend too much time tripping on the fact that I'll never know what happened. Maybe he didn't like the sex. Maybe he got back together with the sex. There's a million reasons why, and I know you say this all the time, but we can't worry what other people think. We can't spend all of our time, we'll never really know. But it's almost like, I'm trying to think of the equivalent of it. You just can't have regrets. You went to a restaurant You had a good meal, like, I don't know, you left, you ordered the food you wanted. Maybe things weren't ideal, but like at least I had a good meal or you had a good conversation with someone. I'd love people, like a date that doesn't go well, or maybe as someone that doesn't work out, you think like, what did I learn from this person? What did I learn from this experience? What did I learn from this sexual experience, even if it doesn't go anywhere? So I guess my point is being intentional about your sex and is that answer it?

You just connected something. for me.

Okay.

That one thing I've been saying for a long time is that people have to lose this association that by having sex with someone, they've given up their power. Because if you think that that was your power and now you've given it up, you behave now as someone who's given up their power.

Exactly. So.

But. But you just added a dimension to it that I think is really, really interesting. What I hadn't connected. in the way that you just did, is that if you go into sex, not from this place of being performative, and it's just my job to make sure they have as good a time as possible. And when you're coming from that place, if you bring the people pleaser, and I've seen this a lot with women that I've coached, they bring the people pleaser mindset into the bedroom. I remember coaching someone and there was a comment that she said where she was like, I did this for him, I did that for him, I blew him all the time. And I just remember hearing that and thinking that came from a place of people, just from the way you said it. Because you could be someone who gives a lot of blow jobs in a relationship and it's just coming from a place of generosity. Yeah. people taking care of each other because they like doing it and they like making each other happy. But when we're doing it from a place of scarcity because we're worried we won't get love if we don't do it, that people pleaser nature shows up in really bad ways in the bedroom. And that happens for people, it can happen for people after a first date. They go home with someone they barely know and their giving the performance of their life because they think, I really, really, really want this person to think, I'm great. And the more I can do exactly what they want me to do, the more I'm gonna be valuable to them and the more they're gonna like me and they're not gonna wanna, they're gonna wanna see me again. Well, if you do that, It's all well and good as long as that agenda you have plays out. In other words, as long as they ask you out again and again and again and again, and that leads to a relationship and that leads to a long-term thing. Then you kind of look back and you go, oh my God, thank God all of those things I did that I only did to make that person like me worked out. They, it worked out because I now have them. But what happens in reverse is if it doesn't work out, the person is like, I would never have done all of that if I didn't think it was gonna work out. And that's what makes people feel so used and so resentful and so hurt and so... What you just said about being intentional and essentially owning the experience for yourself is a way of creating a scenario that is win-win for you. Because you go home with someone, you in real time are saying, what would make this an enjoyable experience for me? And if you're coming from that place, if something is happening that makes it not enjoyable for you, you can speak up about that and you can acknowledge it and say to someone, I'd prefer if we did this, or I don't want to do that. And you're keeping it always within the bounds of an experience that I'm really happy with. And if it's an experience you're really happy with, if nothing comes of that experience, you can look at that and go, I enjoyed it for its own sake. But if you were only coming from a people-pleasing mindset because you were coming from scarcity and lack, and I have to impress this person and, oh my God, am I, Do they like me? You are liable to do all these things that make you feel icky a week later because you didn't get what you were trying to get from the situation.

Yeah, it's so true. It just makes me sad too. I think about it like for showing up in this way that you think it has to be so in service when going back to embodiment and intentionality and like if you felt good and you actually had a good time, There's no regrets here, right? But I think what we get to is that a lot of women don't even actually know what that is because of this life of feeling like you have to give, give, give during sex. And I have to say that I realize this and also in the course of writing my book, I was like, I never thought it was okay to stop sex or to direct sex. Like I thought if I started it, I'm a people pleaser too, and I work on it. I don't know if you ever get over it, but you work on it. And I would think like, if I'm starting, I gotta keep going along with what they want. I didn't know that I could kind of redirect and say, you know what? Sex is moving a little bit fast. This is an experience I think a lot of women have where, how do we go from kissing to now my clothes are off? I've learned that I can say, you know what? Let's slow down. I love the kissing. I love making out. Can we just go a little bit slower? I need a little bit more time. And I want to remind women too that we are slow cookers and men tend to be more like frying pans. We need a little bit time to warm up. And just acknowledge his power when it comes to sexuality and understanding that. So this is like a whole process. I love that we're talking about this way because it is all the pillars to work into this even just every sexual experience. Like, am I present? Do I know myself enough to know what I want? But that's how we start to get out of the mindset of, am I gonna be judged for what I did sexually to like, you can judge me all you want, but I had a really good time. Like, this was for me, too, right? It is a reverse. It is sort of a, you know, it's a mindset switch. There's a lot to learn here, but it's It's totally possible and it makes sex so much more enjoyable and equal, I guess.

Yeah, everything you just said is really so important. I feel like it gets to the heart of why it goes so badly wrong in early dating for people and why they end up carrying so much hurt and so much, you know, sort of, you know, in some cases trauma is the right word. In some cases it might be a strong word, but it People carry so much baggage over into their dating lives because they feel so taken advantage of. And that, I think we almost have to realize that we can decide whether we're in a... Not being taken advantage of doesn't have to mean not having sex.

Right, exactly.

It can mean owning the sex you have and making it an experience that you actually like in the same way that you kind of A date should be like that. A date is a shared experience, right? It's not like we go on a date going, I'm just focused on having a good time. I don't care how much of a good time you have. It's a mutual thing. It's like I want to have a really good time tonight. I'm not just focused on how great of a time you're having. But I also want you to have a great experience too. But I'm going to have a great experience with you that I'm comfortable having tonight. It's gonna be the kind of date that I feel is appropriate to the fact that we've just met. And I'm gonna focus on having a good time. And a lot of people have bad dates because they don't focus on having a good time themselves.

They're still in their heads or they're worried.

What conversation would I like to have? Or what do I think would be fun to talk about? Or what questions am I really curious about in life that I'm gonna invite you to talk about with me? They're just always thinking, is this what they wanna talk about? Is this a date that they, do they wanna go to this place? It's not like, Oh, there's this awesome place down the street that I love. We should go there. I think you'd enjoy it too. It's, Do you want to go there? Do you think this would be fun? And that, if you just think sex is life, it's just a continuation.

It's literally the same exact thing. It's the same stuff that you teach people on dating to be present, like, and not to be worried, like, I hope he likes me, I hope he likes me. Like, Do you like him? Right? Are you present? The same thing goes to sex. Do you like the sex? Do you like the situation? We're all in it together. And the other thing I want to say is, Men, like this is the thing I realized too by doing this work, because you know, my listeners, my audience is always half men, half women. Like it's always been split. I think that's always so interesting. People are like, I think it's a lot of women. No, I used to think, like I said, guys, no, they don't know either. And can I just tell you how relieved a man is when he is with a woman who's like, babe, this is what feels good. This is what I like. Do you want to see the parts of my body that I've learned? They're like, thank God. I don't have to be guessing anymore. Like that is the I think that is also the hottest, sexiest thing in the world when you're the woman who like knows what she wants. And I think that there's some fear that if we don't acquiesce and we don't give in and that somehow guys will feel like, oh, I can't. Going back to your earlier question, if I show a guy that I would like, they're gonna think I'm slutty. They're gonna think I'm easy because I know this stuff. But all I'm saying is like that might be the paradigm, but let's switch that. Like we have the power to show up as like fully empowered, intelligent women who know what we want. And I'm telling you, the more that we all do that together, the more men are gonna be like, thank you. I love this. This makes sex so much better for all of us. Because you guys want you to have a good time. Like, you're hoping it's good. You're not thinking I'm only getting mine. I don't think that guys set out to just have it this way. It's not men's fault that women are more performative in many ways. It's all the way society is set up. There's a lot of different reasons for it, but I think we can all agree, I hope that like we all want to be great lovers to each other.

I think for a lot of guys, especially healthy guys, it's thinking that she's not having a good time or she's not turned on is like the ultimate turn off. That is the thing that can make you get in your head, is that I don't know if she's like, I'm not getting anything back, I'm not getting any feedback, I don't know. And that's why Performative sex is so dangerous because you're giving literally, you're not just not giving any cues, you're giving the wrong cues. You're giving false feedback. And so he's getting reinforced for things that aren't even working. So, and when we get reinforced, we go, okay, I should do that again.

Do more.

Do more of that. And so you're literally setting up, you're like making the way, paving the way for your own bad sex in the future. by telling him, go that way.

Exactly.

There's nothing good that way. But you're like, no, no, no, keep going. Right. It's great. And he's just going to keep doing that thing.

Right.

For the full conversation with Dr. Emily Morse, join the Love Life Club on a free trial. It's risk-free. You can come and listen to the full two hours at joinlovelife.com. we answer the question from a woman who is anxious because when someone goes down on her, she gets in her head and can't reach an orgasm because she's too in her own thoughts. We talk to someone who's worried that everything is right with the person she's dating except the sex should she stay in it or not. There are so many sensitive subjects that we cover together. I think this is one of the most life-changing conversations around sex, dating and intimacy you will hear and it's all inside the Love Life Club. So come check it out at joinlovelife.com Thank you for being here and watching this video. Thank you to my dear friend Dr. Emily Morse for being with us in this go grab a copy of her book Smart Sex. I loved it so much I even wrote a blurb for this book. So go check it out. Smart Sex is the name and don't forget to like this video, subscribe to this channel so that you get notified the next time I do a video and I'll see you in the next one.