What Gets A Guy Sexually Hooked On You - Matthew Hussey, Get The Guy

I want to talk about embarrassment and sex in relationships. I don't think this topic is talked about enough. We read magazines that tell us how to spice up our relationships, how to spice up our sex life. They give us all sorts of weird and wonderful positions to try with our partner. They tell us how many times we should be having sex a day and in what ways and what kinky things we should be trying. But very rarely do these articles address the fundamental issue that most of us have gotten into a certain style with our partner whereby they think they know everything about us and we think we know everything about them. Now, what this leads to is a fear of embarrassment and rejection. If we then try something new with our partner and the longer we've been with our partner, the more this is true. I've coached people all over the world where I've given them ways to spice up their sex life, new things they can do. And what I've found is the biggest barrier to them spicing up their sex life is not that they don't have ideas. It's not that they don't have things they'd like to do. The biggest problem is that they're afraid of how their partner is going to react to them bringing out a different side of themselves. So we become very self-conscious and I actually think the, I mean, I think it's terrifying that most people would feel more comfortable doing weird and crazy stuff with someone they barely know than with the person they love. I think it speaks volumes because with the person we love and are comfortable with, that comfort is misleading because we say, well, if I'm so comfortable with someone, I'm able to express my sexual desires with them. But actually, sometimes the reverse is true. If I'm really comfortable with someone, what it can imply is that we feel like we already know what the other person is about sexually. So if they now come to us with a different sexual energy or wanting to try a different thing that we never even knew they were into, it might surprise us, it might shock us, it might make us feel we know that person a little less than we thought we did. I'm going to assume right now that like me and everyone else in the world, you are weird. You have your own weird stuff that you enjoy or that you might enjoy or that you want to try. And in your inner world isn't being fully expressed with your partner right now. And perhaps the same is true of them. So what I want to talk about is how to actually create the open dialogue about these things. So one early way to set the stage for this is to ask your partner if there's anything sexually that they want to do with you that you either don't do enough or at all. Tell them to be completely open because it would be fun for you to know what else they want. See, part of our fear in listening to our partner in these ways is that we're worried we're going to hear something we don't want to hear. Perhaps there's something they've wanted and we've never done or that we're not doing it in the right way or the way they want. It can feel like a form of criticism, but paying attention to what your partner says can literally save your relationship. Now, the next step is being honest about what you would like. So don't frame it as negative. Just frame it as like, and I mean negative in the sense that you don't want to frame it as criticism of what you your partner is doing right now or not doing right now. You just want to talk about it as something exciting that you want to try with him. It helps to talk about why doing this thing would be sexy with them in particular. In other words, you don't necessarily want to frame it like, oh, I just want to try this. Frame it as, I really want to try this with you. It's being with you that makes me want to try this thing. That way they get to feel special in the process. Don't be afraid to be brave. and take the lead by doing something different or kinky or slightly out there. What you do when you do this is give your partner permission to do the same without being self-conscious that he'll be judged for it. You giving him new ideas or taking the lead at times gives him permission to try new things and be more adventurous as well. Now, the key here is to understand that there is a teething process to any change in dynamic in a relationship. So your partner, you might try and do something with your partner, and they may not have the ideal reaction. They may be surprised. They may look at you funny. They may say you've changed. Who are you? Who is this person? I don't know this person. Even though maybe that was you all along, but you just were afraid to express it. What they really mean is I've never seen this side of you before. And it scares me because it makes me feel like there are things about you I don't know. You know, in another episode of Love Life, I talked about how, you know, your man could be on the phone on a business call and you decide that this is a great time to go down on him. Right? And when, as I was saying that, I was thinking, you know what? Some people might be afraid that they're going to get rejected in that moment, that, that their partner might freak out or might be like, oh, wait, what are you doing? This isn't you. You didn't, you wouldn't normally do something like this. And when our partner has a, a reaction to it, even if it's just surprise, sometimes it can feel like a rejection. Now, what we have to be careful of is not sulking if we get the wrong reaction. Don't go into sulk mode in that moment. But what you can do is later on come to them in a neutral place and say, Look, I really want us to do more spontaneous things, or I really want us to try and explore each other's fantasies more and the little things that we want. Because I feel like that's, you know, our relationship is so amazing and we're so turned on by each other already. And I want to explore all of your fantasies and I want, you know, I want to tell you all of mine. Like, I just, you bring that out of me, you make me want to do these things. That's, that's going to create this open dialogue between you. Consistently be talking. Don't be afraid to talk about sex. I really believe that nothing should be considered embarrassing between two people who love each other. the more you talk about sex and the more you explore each other's minds, the easier it gets. Use phrases like, I want to make your fantasies come true. What are the little and big things that you wanna do more of? And it helps to ask the question in broad ways, like, what are the types of things you want us to do more of? Because if you ask someone what's the specific thing you wanna do, they may blank in that moment. Or you might immediately have to see, watch them censor themselves, never underestimate how much we censor our own little weird fetishes things that we want to do, even when we think we're being honest with our partner, very often we're still censoring parts of us that we're afraid we'll be shamed for if we actually talk about them. So just ask him, you know, what are some of the types of things that you really want to do more of in the bedroom? That's going to be so refreshing for him to hear that and to hear that you're trying to explore his mind. Lastly, don't be afraid to guide your partner. to do what they're already doing in better ways. I think the biggest tragedy is when we don't tell our partner how to do what they're doing better. And of course, there's a way to do that that's not going to hurt someone's feelings. But even then, I'd still like, for me personally, if you tell me how to do something better now, maybe in the moment, I'll be like, oh, that sucks. I didn't know I was doing it wrong. Right? But. you give me whatever damage you do to my ego in the moment, you feed my ego for a lifetime by telling me how to pleasure you more and me being able to see that reaction that I'm getting. So always, if you're trying to save someone's ego in the short term, remember, you're probably damaging it in the long term by him not seeing how much he's pleasing you or not having that wonderful satisfaction of knowing that he's pleasing you over the long term. Because we always know subconsciously when we're not pleasing our partner, we feel it. I'll finish on this note. I think, I truly believe that sex is about teamwork. It's about two people who believe that their job in a relationship is to explore each other's needs and to cater to each other's desires, whatever, you know, weird and wonderful desires they are. And, you know, if those stray outside the concept of monogamy, we'll save that for another episode. But, you know, within the confines of a monogamous relationship, I think everything should be on the table. I think people should explore each other and they shouldn't be afraid to talk about what they want or to go out of their way to please their partner. We would want the same done for us. So the importance of this episode, I believe, can't be overstated because it's this will save relationships. Never. We must never underestimate the number of relationships that fail because of unexpressed or uncatered for sexual needs and desires. Simply because people aren't talking about this stuff. It's all very well us talking about ways to spice up the relationship, but we need to deal with the embarrassment and the awkwardness that prevents us from ever getting to a place where we're trying those things in the first place.