What He's Thinking Before You Sleep Together

Anyone is capable of being excited or disappointed by what they see when someone doesn't have their clothes on. Anyone.

This woman says, this is common amongst women, but I worry that my body, compared to the bodies of other women they've been with or seen on the media, in the media, won't hold up.

That's true.

Whoa.

How is that not true?

What do you mean?

Have you seen the bodies on Instagram?

Actually, no, you haven't. None of us have.

That's true. That's also true, James.

Only just seen filters.

That was gonna be my point. The bodies you see on Instagram aren't how people actually look. Exactly. So none of us, none of us can live up to the bodies that are out there. None of us. It's absurd. So if you understand, it's almost like lose the battle today. Lose the battle today. Get it over with. I'm not saying be down on yourself. Be like, do the best you can with what you have, because why wouldn't you? It's ridiculous not to. You may as well do the best you can. But once you've done that, understand that you already lost that battle. I get it. It's lost already. You just need to focus on the fact that that's not what wins relationships. That's not a. It's not a battle that by winning you've. You've figured out love. If that were true, every person that had ever come to me for coaching who had an incredible body. would have found love already because they win. But that's not how it works. How many personal trainers are there online with the ultimate body and they're single and they're struggling to find love? It's not you don't get love by ticking that box and you don't not get love if you don't tick that box. So attraction is this really wonderfully forgiving thing that it takes so many forms and so many tastes and so many things are offset by confidence and so many things are offset by kindness or by a sense of fun or by the fact that you own whatever it is you have that, you know, that's a, that's a lesson that we can all learn and should all learn, by the way, because I don't care. you may be listening to this right now and you do have the top 1% of bodies out there. But what are you going to do when you get injured and you can't do that? Or what are you going to do when someone walks into the room and is eyeing up your boyfriend and they have the same body as you? Like, are you now are you now under threat? Are you now vulnerable? You cannot be your life. There have to be things that you do because you are excited to do them. You want to get fit and healthy and look great because you are excited to do it. But you are not thinking that your love life rests on your ability to do that because it absolutely doesn't. Having it won't automatically get you love and not having it doesn't disqualify you from love.

I have a question that I've always wondered about. Now I'm in a room, three men can answer my question.

Four, Jeremy's here.

It's true. Hey, Jeremy.

Jeremy, somehow get a shot of yourself.

We hear a lot as women. I think it's women tell each other this, but I think it's kind of true. But I've always wondered how true it is. it actually was. We say to each other, honestly, by the time you know you are naked with a man, they're not eyeing up and scrutinizing everything that's wrong with you. They're just, if you're doing it right and you've got good chemistry and you're into it together, they're just excited to be here. They're not actually thinking about the other person they slept with who had a better body or thinking about somebody they've seen. They just are happy to be here in that moment. Is that true or is that something that we tell ourselves to feel better?

It's not entirely true.

Ah, god damn it.

Look, I think that anyone- Sorry, everyone.

Out there who thought it was true like me.

Well, think about how important what I'm about to say must be for me to interrupt my own video. Well, here's why it's important. It's gonna change your love life and it's free. If you wanna know why someone may have faded out, why they may have disappeared, why all of a sudden it felt like the momentum was lost with this person, Go to whyhesgone.com, where I talk about the main reasons someone disappears. Go check it out, whyhesgone.com, and now let's go back to the video. Anyone is capable of being excited or disappointed by what they see when someone doesn't have their clothes on. Anyone. It's true of women too. Why do men walk around feeling like they haven't got a big enough penis? They're worried about what's going to be the judgment when I take my clothes off. And we're aware that people can be disappointed by what they see. But assuming that you're with a person who is going to make their mind up about whether they want to keep seeing you, based on that is wrong. Because there will be plenty of people that you will encounter in your life who have who are in a place in their life, their maturity, the way they see the world, the way they see people that means it's not resting on that for them. There are plenty of people out there who have their own taste. So assuming that what you have is a thing that everyone doesn't want, universally is also wrong because people have different tastes, people like different body types. And also assuming that you have no power over the situation is wrong. That you're just a kind of naked person standing there subject to whatever this person's judgment is. It's not like that. you have a massive amount of influence over the way that person sees you by the way that you handle those things yourself. If the first thing you do is point to, you know, I think I've said this in some form before, but if Jameson showed me a video he made and just as I was about to watch it, he said, by the way, sorry about minute two. It kind of sucks, but enjoy the video. I now can't enjoy the video on its own for what it could have been because I'm just obsessed with, well, hang on, what's this minute two thing? And I'm looking for why minute two is not great. And even if it wasn't not great, even if it wasn't great, I'm looking for why it's not great. And I'll probably find a reason. I'll find something. I'll be like, yeah, you're right. It was kind of slow in minute two. And I wouldn't have even known that. I wouldn't have even thought of that. So drawing attention to it at a time when that person is still making up their own mind is really unproductive and more than that is counterproductive. And it's telling someone what to think. And that's a big mistake people make in attraction is they say, I don't like this part of me. So now I'm going to tell you what to think about it as well. they get to decide that. So one level, it's like one level of Mastery is, I'm not going to make your mind up for you. I'm going to let you have your own opinion. That's one level. That's one level above what most people do, which is they point out the things they don't like so that they can reject themselves before the other person rejects them. But then there's a level of Mastery on top of that, which is realizing that you You don't just have to not influence in a bad way. You can actually lead in a good way. So, if you actually own what you have, if you decide that it's sexy, or if you decide that you're great and you own that with such comfort, and I'm not saying everyone can get here immediately because this process takes time for people to reach this point with themselves. But if you can get to that point with yourself, then you're now giving, you're not just not giving a negative cue, you're actually giving a positive cue. You're telling someone what to think about this thing in a positive way. And people are very suggestible. People want to be led. When we go into a store and we go, should I get this one or this one? And we're not sure, right? We don't know what jacket to choose. And the store, owner says, this one looks great on you. We're influenced by that. If they say, well, this color is really in season. This is, or they say, well, this one, by the way, this is my last one, because five people came in and bought this one this week. We're influenced by that. We're not just going in, going, no, I have my objective truth about these jackets. No, we're going in and we're influenced. So think about that in terms of attraction. We can influence other people with our level of certainty. People can come in and go, I want that jacket. Not because objectively that jacket is so attractive, but because we go, well, this person who's selling this jacket, they really believe in this jacket. They really know that this is the best one. And so, okay, I'm willing to trust that. You've convinced me. Like Ed Mylett when he was on our Love Life Club membership, he said, Sales isn't, I need to get you to believe in what I'm selling. Sales is, I need to get you to believe that I believe in what I'm selling. And so that's, to me, mastery when you're naked.

I can't believe how great of an answer that is. And to answer your question even more, Audrey, I just think we were making fun of Instagram filters earlier. But I do think there's something sort of like if you look at the song lyrics, thinking of Craig David, I think he has something like beautiful angel materialized. Guys, I think, have this sort of perfection idea in their mind. But it is so there's so much leeway in that perfection. They really want you to just be that character in their sexual fantasy of that moment. And They want to buy into that fantasy. So if you kind of believe it, if you kind of own it in that moment, just believe you're the beautiful angel materialized and the guy will believe it too.

Where did I hear, I hope that I'm saying this right, but I heard somewhere this idea that Helen of Troy, who is, I'm saying this right, it was Helen of Troy that had the beauty that could sink a thousand ships.

Launch a thousand ships.

Launch a thousand ships. That's right. I feel like I heard somewhere of this idea that she wasn't described or that the way she looked wasn't described. I don't know if this is factually true, but I remember hearing this and it stuck with me that she wasn't described because it allowed people to make her whatever they wanted her to be. It didn't, there wasn't this, I, you know, you're telling me it's this. Well, that may not be what that level of beauty is to me. Whether that's true about the way that Greek myth was told or whether it's just a telling of it, I think that there's something to learn from that in respect to what you're saying.

I also want to make one last point on this, which is And I think it's been made over and over, but I do think that it's important for us to not put all of our confidence on how we look. I think societally there's a lot of that going on, which is like, if you're not attractive, if you're not thin, if you're not this, if you're not that, then you're not worthy of love and nobody's going to want you. And actually, most people in relationships, they don't end up, you know, men and women, we don't end up with the most beautiful person we've been with. We end up with the person that makes us feel the most, that makes us the happiest, that we have the most chemistry with, that we have the most, you know, in common with, connection with. If it was just the most gorgeous person we'd ever met, we wouldn't be happy because that person isn't necessarily going to be the person who's most suitable for us.

And a lot of people who marry the most gorgeous person they've ever met get in a lot of trouble that way.

Of course, and look, you know, sometimes you're lucky and that is both, it goes both ways, but I think for the most part that doesn't tend to be the recipe for happiness and any evolved person will see that. So even if you are going to bed with someone and they have been with people who have better bodies than you, so what? Be better in all these other areas that make it that they can't actually ignore you and it doesn't matter.

And also, I want to make this point because I think it's important and I don't think it gets mentioned enough. Personal pride goes a long way in making us feel better around other people. And personal pride comes from us feeling like we're doing the things that that make the most of what we have. I'm not saying obsessing about your looks, but if you know that you're doing things that make you feel good, if you know that you're going to the gym or you're eating well or you're doing things that take care of you, that creates a level of self-esteem. It makes you feel like, well, I'm proud of me. I'm proud of me that I have been working out. I'm proud of me that I've been playing a sport or that I've been eating well and taking care of myself. I'm proud of me for that. So I don't care if you're not. I don't care if that's not good enough for you. That's okay. But I'm super proud of what I've done. with what I have. And I think that's really, really powerful. And sometimes I think we have to be honest with ourselves about whether our, what we feel as embarrassment or what we feel as shame or what we feel is unworthiness is not so much a reflection of us being objectively unattractive. But of the areas of life that we deep down feel we are neglecting. That our confidence would improve if we stopped neglecting them, not because we'd suddenly look a hundred times better, but because we now feel proud of ourselves. Wait, before YouTube sends you down the rabbit hole of watching raccoon videos or Videos of large crocodiles on Florida golf courses. I have something that will help your love life more than these things. And it's at whyhesgone.com if you want to know why someone faded out, why they were giving you attention and all of a sudden they stopped, this guide shows you. Go to whyhesgone.com and then enjoy your baby bear videos.