What He's Thinking When He Approaches You At A Bar

Hello, everybody. Welcome to Love Life. We have a caller on the line today. Caller, are you there?

Yes, I am here.

Hello. What's your name, sir?

My name is Kevin.

Kevin, how. What's your question today?

My question for you today is. So I've been going out the bars every now and then with friends, and, you know, it's funny because, you know, you know, females these days, you know, they're a bit, you know, standoffish, you know, sometimes. What's something you could say to a woman when you're out instead of, you know, the classic, Can I buy you a drink? You know, it seems so, you know, just typical.

Yeah, yeah. And sometimes I feel like when we offer to just buy someone a drink, it can actually send the wrong message. You know, I always think we, it almost seems like an old-fashioned thing when we say, Can I buy you a drink? But the trouble is sometimes I think it comes off as, we're going out of our way to do something for someone we've never even met and don't even necessarily know will like yet. And far from, you know, people may look at that and say, well, that's, you know, not a very gentlemanly thing to say. But the truth is, I think a lot of women are initially taken aback when a guy says that because they're a little bit worried that if they accept that drink, they're gonna owe that guy something or that he's gonna expect them to now stick around and talk to him and they don't want that pressure. So, I, and I completely understand what you're saying because it's tough. I know Kevin, there's a guy going out. It's tough sometimes. You see people and you want to talk to them and you certainly don't want to go over there and be rejected and you don't want the embarrassment of it going wrong. And certainly you don't want someone thinking that you're in any way creepy or sleazy just for wanting to talk to them. So, for me, the key is, in approaching a woman without making her feel any real pressure. And I think a lot of guys don't do this. When they do approach a woman, they kind of stand right in front of her, they ask her a question, and now it's like she almost feels awkward for not continuing to talk to him. And the shame for men when they do that is she can't assess whether she's really attracted to this guy or not whilst she's feeling the pressure of what's he in this for? What's his agenda? Can I trust this guy? Is he safe? You know, is he standing too close to me? Am I ever going to be able to get away? That's when a woman doesn't actually have time to process her thoughts. So what I always prefer is to say something to someone when they say, stand. Let's say you're at the bar. You go and stand beside someone. Maybe you're ordering a drink and. you can turn to your right, if the person is on your right, and say something. Now, that could be something as simple as, I like your style, or I love the shoes you're wearing, or comment on an accessory that that person has, anything that you see that you think is cool, comment on that. And you don't want to go too sexual with that, because that's the other problem guys have, is they kind of go, that's really sexy, or something like that, and immediately, she gets the sense that he's got an agenda. Instead, just comment on something that looks cool, you know, if her style's cool or if something she's wearing is cool, comment on that. If she's got an interesting drink or if she's just drinking, let's say, an old fashioned and you, you know, you normally order an old fashioned. Say, how are the old fashions here? Are they good? Comment on something like that. Even something as obvious and simple as How's it going? Is fine. But what I would do is say that and then be prepared to turn away again. So, and by turn away, I don't mean turn away and then just turn your back to the person. But let's imagine you're both facing the same direction and you turn your head to say, Hey, how's it going? Then face in the same direction again so that she almost has this moment to look you up and down. Do you know what I mean? Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're looking away and she has a moment to look you up and down and continue the conversation if she wants to. And the key things when you do this are this. One, make sure she feels like you don't need to carry on the conversation if she doesn't want to. You're just making a fun, friendly comment and she's like, oh, this is just a fun, cool guy. Two, be having fun, be in a good mood when you do it. That's really important. Even if you can look at two, three women standing together and say, Hey, you guys having fun? Anything as simple as that can work because it just shows you're just someone who's in a fun mood, having a good time, right? You're bringing the energy up in the room. And then don't be afraid to talk to other people around her as well so that you're not overly fixated on that one person. It doesn't mean you can't go back to her later on, but feel free to talk to her or her friends or the people to your left. Talk to the people around you because then this person is looking at you going, oh, okay, this is just a fun, sociable guy. This isn't a this guy who is just coming over because he's fixated on me and I'm never going to be able to get away if I start speaking to him. This is just a fun person who's having a good time and is being friendly. Because I'm telling you now, when women feel that you're just friendly and you don't have that agenda, that's when they feel free to open up and talk to you. Because that's kind of the definition of a cool guy, isn't it? A cool guy, he knows what he wants. He knows when he's attracted to someone, but at the same time, he's not really attached to the outcome. You know, if she doesn't continue the conversation or if she's kind of cold to him or whatever, he's fine. He's having a great night. He's speaking to people. He's enjoying himself. And he also knows that ultimately she's only the type of woman that he wants to spend time with if she's fun and if she's friendly. If he speaks to her or says something as easy as, you know, hey, how's it going? And she gives him a funny look. or just turns away and is cold. The cool guy doesn't want to be around people like that anyway. So you should always remember that. I think us guys have a tendency to, you know, when, when, when a woman is kind of cold with us, we take it very personally and we feel like we've done something terribly wrong when, in fact, it may be to do with that person. It may be to do with the 10 creeps that came up to her before us, you know, and she's, she's reacting to them, not to us, but we're getting the brunt of experiences she's already had. So, you know, don't let it knock you down. And as long as you stay fun and stay friendly and stay kind, people are gonna see that in you and they're gonna see that you're not someone who is desperate for their validation. And trust me when I say that's the sexiest thing in the world is when someone doesn't need the validation of the person that they're talking to. Does that make sense?

No, that makes perfect sense.

Fantastic. So keep doing what you're doing, get out there and keep talking to people, Kevin, and always remember that the people that are cold and mean when you come in kind and respectful are really not the people you need to worry about impressing in the first place.

Awesome. I appreciate it, man.

All right, man. Thank you so much for calling in. It's so fun to have a guy on the phone and to chat about these things. been a great time with you. So call in again sometime, all right?

Definitely. Thank you.

All right, man. Take care. Thank you everyone else for listening. Really appreciate you. If you want to call in and ask a question at Love Life, it's 844-204-62-88. That's 844-204-62-88. And by the way, if you haven't joined us on Facebook right now, go there. It's facebook.comcoach Matthew Hussey and we'll continue the conversation there as well. Take care, my friends.