What HE'S THINKING When He Wants To BREAK UP With You | Matthew Hussey

Matthew Hussey here with Love Life. We have a caller on the line today. Caller, are you there?

Hi Matthew, how are you?

Good, thank you. How are you?

I'm doing well. I have a question for you though.

Please tell me, tell me your name.

My name is Sophia.

Hi Sophia, what was your question?

So I'm going through a little bit of a hard time. I dated a guy for about two and a half years and then about a week ago he broke up with me out of the blue. telling me that he, you know, has been thinking about this for months and that he's torn because he still loves me, yet he's like almost 30. So. And he's working all the time and feels like he needs to be single again and that he didn't know how to tell me because he still has feelings, all this weird stuff. It was just out of the blue. And now I'm trying to figure out if the no contact rule works, like moving forward, how could I potentially maybe like. try to get him to come back. I just don't, people are telling me to just go like cold turkey and not text him at all.

They're telling you that so that you can go and find someone else or so that you can get him back?

Kind of a bit of both. People are saying, you know, if he walked away, he needs to realize what he walked away from. But I have this weird thing where I'm like, well, if I'm not, if I'm out of mind out of sight, then won't he just completely forget about me?

So what's the alternative?

I'm not sure. I don't, because I don't even know what I would say to him, you know?

That'S right. So if you weren't out of mind out of sight, what would you do? You would be calling him or texting him or showing up where he goes?

I think I wouldn't be crazy about it. I would just text him, I don't know, like periodically and maybe just like check in. But from the sound of it, it sounds like that wouldn't be a good idea.

What do you think about his reasons for breaking up with you?

He works a lot and I think that he said he was trying to manage his time with friends and family and he realized that he wasn't able to be as good of a boyfriend because he was just all over the place with work. He also said that he wasn't as excited about our relationship anymore which is what really hit home.

What did you say in response to him?

I just tried to keep it classy and stay calm. The only thing that was weird was he was very emotional while saying this, like hysterically crying. So it was almost as if I was like comforting him, yet I was the one being dumped.

Okay. Would you like me to shed some light on what's going through his head? So that you can better understand what you should do. Because I think that understanding him is the key for you to understand what you should do.

Yes, please.

This is a guy who's what, approaching 30? So, he's, I imagine, experiencing some sort of not midlife crisis, but quarter life crisis. where he's looking at his life and saying, I'm still very young. And the idea of being in this relationship for the rest of my life seems like an awful long time as it does for anyone. And by the way, even in relationships where people truly love each other, I think people experience those feelings. Some people act on them and leave. Some people stay and battle through them. But I think those are very common feelings to have to think about your relationship, especially in our, in our day and age. You know, this wasn't always the case. People would, would match themselves up and they would be conditioned to believe that this is now a relationship for life. Not so anymore. So people look at their situation and they say, I'm very young to now be with this person forever. That's something that is going to be freaking him out a little bit right now. And that has nothing to do, by the way, with his attraction for you. his love for you. He can have massive amounts of both and still feel that. Now, if he's on his career path and that's, there's a lot going on there and, you know, he has these big goals there, he probably is also imagining all of these experiences in life that he still wants to do. And one of the hard things for anyone, but I know that guys feel this, one of the hard things is very often they experienced this desire to go and do all of these things, to travel and to visit different parts of the world and to live in different places and to feel experiences in life, which they don't always feel like they can. They either feel like they can't do all of that with a partner, or if they're going to go and do it on their own, they'd miss a partner too much. So why put themselves through the pain? Why not meet a partner later in life after they've done all of those things? so he has that dilemma. Now, let me tell you why he's so upset right now, because I would, I would be very surprised if he's just a great actor. Right? I would be very, very surprised. Here's, here's what I believe to be the reality. This guy is unbelievably confused and torn because he cares about you. He spent two and a half years of his life with you, which is long enough to get very, very connected and very, very entwined and in love and not to mention comfortable with that life. And giving that up is one of the scariest things people ever have to do. It's terrifying and horrible to be the one on the receiving end of a breakup, but it's also terrifying and horrible to be the person breaking up with somebody else. Because you have it on your head as to whether in a month you're going to regret the decision, whether you're going to look back and think, why did I do that? I've now let her go. And who knows, maybe she's someone else's by the time I realize that I really want her and that that was a terrible decision. The hard part is he's, I can almost guarantee you that he can't realize that it's the wrong decision. by staying. If he stays and keeps going, he'll always be wondering what the other thing was. And so he knows right now that he probably has to go and experience that other thing, even if just to prove he was wrong. Now, that represents a risk, because maybe you do get over him. Maybe you go and build this incredible life without him. And if he realizes he's wrong, he's not going to have the opportunity. to come back to you. Maybe that happens. And he knows this. And by the way, if he didn't love you and wasn't terrified of this situation, it wouldn't have taken him months to get there. I believe him when he says he's been thinking about this for months. And that shouldn't hurt you, by the way. Actually, it should be an amazing compliment to your relationship.

Because that part weirded me out.

No, it should be a massive... I know where you're... where you're coming from, Sophia. I know that when he tells you that he's been thinking about this for months, it feels like a betrayal. It feels like, well, what? So the last few months of our relationship have been a lie. You haven't meant the things you've said to me over those months. When we've been together, you've always been thinking about breaking up. That's not the case. What he's really meaning is, I've been having an amazing time with you. I've been enjoying this relationship, but I'm still terrified. of what else is out there and what I should be doing with my life and whether or not this is the right thing for me to be doing at this stage of my life. And it's a testament to your relationship that he found it so difficult to do this because it means he cares. It means there's love in the relationship. And it means he's also terrified of what he's losing. And that the crying and the hysteria that you saw is really fear. his fear. Am I making the wrong choice? And of course, while you're sitting there telling him the reasons he's making the wrong choice, it's making it even harder for him to stay strong with the decision that he's made on his own. So it's all. Firstly, understand that in his head, it's all a mess right now. It's all a mess. Now, I can't promise you that this guy will turn around and realize that this thing is better than what he's. going and doing right now. None of us know that. What I do know is that the only way that he's going to realize is by experiencing whatever it is he thinks he's missing or at least pursuing it and trying it and seeing if that really works for him or whether in actual fact, your relationship was the thing that he wanted. I believe and many people disagree with me. on this. But I do believe that the right person can come along at the right time. At the wrong time. I apologize. That doesn't mean you're the right person, by the way. Maybe you're not. Maybe he's not the right person for you. We don't know that yet. But what I can tell you is you. If you are right for each other, you might have met him at a time when it was extremely difficult, if not impossible, for it to work, because he doesn't believe that he's supposed to be in a relationship right now at this stage of his life. And that's a very difficult battle for you to fight. And let me tell you. thing. It's not your battle to fight. It's not your job to convince him that it is the right time. It's your job to say to him, okay, you know what? I love you. If you can't be happy in this relationship, then you need to go and do what you think you need to do in order to be happy. And for your sake, I hope you're right. I hope that whatever you're going for instead, does make you happier because I wouldn't want you to go through the regret of, of this being the wrong decision. So go and do your thing. And I know it's the hardest thing in the world to do. I know it is. But it, but it's something that is important for you to do. And that lack of contact right now is very, very important for you because right now you have that process of first grieving, right? Because that's what it is. There's a grieving period for this. You will get over that, okay? That will get less painful, I promise you. It will get less painful. You go through that grieving period. And after that, as soon as you're ready and as soon as you can, you go through the rebuilding period, which is building a life. that you're excited about that can take you down new avenues and allow you to meet new people. And I'm not talking about necessarily meeting a new guy tomorrow, but I am talking about experiencing new people, having new friends and great people around you and people that teach you how big the world is, you know, and how many different experiences there are to be had. Because there are just so many, it's frightening. There are so many experiences for you to have. Imagine Imagine the experience that you've had with this one guy in two and a half years, right? Enough, enough to make you want to still be there. But now imagine that's one guy in the world and one guy gave you that. Now imagine what the world has to offer.

I know it is pretty crazy.

It's the most, I'm telling you, Sophia, it's the most exciting thing. It's the most exciting realization one can ever have is just how much there is to do in the world. And the most depressing realization anyone can have is how little time there is to do it all.

And I just have one last question. Say if he does start to contact me, then what? Do I, you know, obviously, I feel like I'm not gonna make it easy.

You, you have to. Here's what I would say. You come from a loving place, not a place of game playing. And you look at it as you look at it objectively and say, okay, whatever he's doing right now, Is this an attempt to progress things or is this an attempt just to feel connected so that this is easier for him? Is this a selfish decision by him or is it a loving one? Because very often when people reach out after a breakup, it's a selfish decision, not a loving one. I want to feel close to you. I want to feel you're still there. I want to still you feel care. I still want to feel you care about me, but I'm not gonna pursue this. I just want to feel those things for a moment. I want to get a fix and then go and do my other thing. And that's a selfish move. And you have to look at those moves critically and you have to look at them objectively and say, is he really coming from a loving place? Is he coming from a place of trying to rebuild something here? Or is this really just trying him trying to feel connected? And as I said before, don't come a plate from a place of game playing of, you know, saying, I'm going to avoid his texts. come from a place of being loving, but at the same time have standards. And if he calls you or texts you out of the blue, you have that right to say to him, listen, I love you and I care about you, but it's not good for me right now to have this communication or to be too close to you. I can't be that friend right now because I'm trying to repair myself. I'm trying to overcome this and I'm trying to build a life. And in order to do that, I need to not be feeling this pain all of the time. And him contacting you and reaching out is going to create constant pain for you right now. So understand that he's not about to vanish off of the earth tomorrow. You don't have to respond to every message. You don't have to say the first time he texts you or calls you, oh, this is my chance. Take it slow. Relax. Because if there's ever anything that's going to help him come around, it's feeling like you're going out to live your life as well. And you know what? It's let me tell you something Sophia is win win. Because if you go out there and live your life and build your life, and he doesn't come back, then you will have spent all of your time wisely by going out and building this great existence and experiencing everything life has to offer and not waiting around. for something that you could never guarantee and would be a fool to just sit there and wait for.

Well, thank you so much. That was so helpful. I really appreciate it. You're amazing.

You're welcome, Sophia. I listen, that pain is really, really tough and I'm not in any way trying to make it sound easy because it's not, it's one of the hardest things we ever go through and it's so hard that for some people it turns them off relationships. It makes them turn away from them for good. But understand that that's always the price we pay for how great it is and for how exciting it can be. And at the end of the day, as special as this guy was, the world is a very big place. And if nothing else, he's given you the gift of showing you how much fun you can have, how happy you can be, and how rich and meaningful life can be if you go out and create connections. And there's billions of other people for you to go and do that with now.

Exactly. I'm just going to try to make it a positive learning experience.

And it is. I promise you. So take care, Sophia. I'm here if you need me. I love that you called in and was so brave in doing it. And I know you're going to be okay.

Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

All right. Look after yourself. Thank you everyone for listening in. This has been Love Life. If you want to get your questions answered, call in 844-204-6288. That's 844-204-6288. 844-204 Matt and if you aren't following me on Facebook right now go and do that now it's facebook.com coach Matthew Hussey I'll speak to you soon.