What If He's Asking For An Open Relationship?

Hi, everyone. This is Matthew Hussey with Love Life. We have a caller on the line today. Tiffany, are you there?

I am. Hi, Matt. So excited to talk to you.

I'm excited to talk to you. How are you?

I'm wonderful. Thank you. Thank you. And thank you for trying to answer my question.

You're so welcome. So tell us your question. What did you want to know today?

Okay. A little background. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about six months. At the beginning of the relationship, he told me, you're always invited. Don't ask. I always want you around, like, the typical. Then two months later, two months into it, he starts telling me, like, he needs his independence. I'm super clingy. He starts pushing me away, which makes me grasp on even harder. After, like, three or four weeks of this, I finally, like, became resentful and blew up. So after a week of not speaking, we finally had our adult conversation and we agreed to work things out. But he wants to work things out without, like, attaching a title to our relationship, like, we have had. And then he also wants to keep, like, the doors of opportunity open. So if I meet someone or he meets someone and they spark our interest, we have, like, full disclosure to go out with this person, but we have to tell each other that we're pursuing someone else.

Right?

So I want his loyalty and his commitment, but. And I want to respect his wishes, but I'm really not sure, like, what I feel or think about this whole arrangement.

Yeah, it's tough. It's tough because right now you're a kind of halfway house. And the problem with that place is that it also. It doesn't allow him to really recognize if you're right or not. It's when you're. When you're giving him part of you, and at the same time, he's free to go and do whatever he wants. He doesn't really ever feel that withdrawal from you. And as a result, there's nothing to come back to. You're always there. Now, we have to be very careful in life to not to give our total investment to someone who's only willing to give 50% investment back to us. This is really important because respecting his wishes might be saying, I want you to be happy. So if being happy is being with going and being with other people, I want you to do that. But respecting myself is saying that I have to withdraw while you do that, and I have to go and do my own thing, because I think life is all about living it at 100% of your passion and your excitement and your joy. Not 50%. Right now you're in this weird limbo where you're doing neither. You're not going out and finding someone else, but you're also not getting, you know, that 100% passion with him. Is that fair to say?

Fair?

Well, here's what I'm interested in, though. Based on what you've said. What would you do differently next time around? If you met this guy all over again and you had a chance to do it differently, what would you do differently in your behavior?

Well, I've been, like, studying your YouTube videos. I've downloaded so much of your stuff. And I agree with you where if he gets super excited and starts out the relationship hot and heavy, that I should be the one to kind of draw back and be like, maybe you should hang out with your people and I'll hang out with my people. You know, and maybe we could meet up like Friday instead of Thursday or give them some more space instead of being so attached all the time, because I've lost a sense of myself as well.

Right, so you. So he was very passionate that you then became clingy or as time went on and he then suddenly started to withdraw because he felt too close or he at least felt like he was too oppressed in that moment?

Yes.

Okay, so this isn't, by the way, this isn't about holding back your passion, because at the end of the day, one of the most fun parts of a relationship is the passionate stage. So you don't want to necessarily be holding back there, but you also want to smart about it in saying, well, okay, how well do I know this person? Should I be, you know, giving up all of my time for them right now, or should I be pacing myself a little bit with them? The same way you would in a business partnership? You know, you may think, I'm really excited about this new business partner I have. That doesn't mean that you all of a sudden open up the floodgates of your business to them, that you start doing business in every way. What you do is you pace yourself and you say, I'm excited to do business with this person. We'll try this project. We'll see how that goes. If that goes well, yeah, let' invest more in each other and spend more time and finances and whatever making this work. That's how you work in a business relationship and actually think sometimes relationships should be the same way that we. That we pace ourselves a little bit more and allow it to build and allow trust to Build before we just open the floodgates of every part of ourselves in our lives. So for you right now with this guy, the reason I asked that question is because if you were to do it again with another guy, I want you to know what you do differently. But not only that, I want you to know what you're going to do differently now with this guy. So you might find that he's going to have a lonely moment or he's going to have a lonely week or a lonely month where he comes back to you and he's suddenly all passionate again and telling you all these sweet things. And your instinct will be to just run back, give this person everything, and do the same thing as last time. I don't want you to hold back your passion, but what I do want you to do is hold back your investment a little bit and allow him to earn those parts of you instead of just having them there on a plate. And at the same time as, you know, maintain the other parts of your life that are important to you, because, you know, he's not the only thing that would be important to you. Your friends would. Your family would. Your job, your hobbies, the new things you want to try, new adventures you want to go on. All of these things are important as well. And keeping those things is what will maintain what makes you attractive and challenging as a human being. And I don't mean challenging in the sense that you play hard to get. I just challenging in the sense that he still has to discover more about you. So don't lose those things.

I guess that's my question. How do I become challenging when we're kind of like, together, but not.

Well, my first suggestion is you're not.

Okay.

I would say to him, listen, I'm. I'm interested in. In moving forward with you, but if you really want to be with other people, that's okay. But that's not my standard. You know, I can't. I don't want to be with someone where it's casual and they're casual with other people at the same time as me. You know, I. I respect that that's what you want, but I also. Enough not to do that. So you. I want you to go and do that if that's what you want to do, and maybe we'll catch up sometime, you know, in the near future. Then you create distance and let him feel you going and expanding those other parts of your life. You're only going to become more attractive to him when you do it. And then when he comes back and tries to start getting your time again. You. It may not be a cold, hard no, but it might be something that he has to work back to, and then he feels like you're challenging because he's having to earn you back into his life.

Okay.

All right. It's not going to be easy. Never is. Especially when you like someone. The temptation is always just to give them what they want. But what I'm interested in right now is what you want and what's actually going to get you there. And what's going to get you there is not necessarily the thing that your gut is telling you to do, which is just to keep going along to please him and doing what he wants.

Gotcha.

All right.

Makes sense.

And by the way, don't be afraid to. Don't be afraid to go out and flirt and have fun in the meantime. You don't have to be sleeping with anyone, but you could still go out and have fun and enjoy other people and see what's out there. You're going to realize how many options there are and that, you know, any one guy isn't. Isn't going to be the source of your happiness, that the world is a big place.

I agree. Thank you.

All right, look after yourself, Tiffany. I'll speak to you soon.

All right, thank you. Bye.

Thank you. Thank you all for listening in to love life. If you have a question you want to call in and ask me about, it's 844-20-46288. That's 844204. Matt, call in, ask us anything you like. Leave a message, and we will try and have you on the show.

Thank.