What If I'm A Virgin? (Matthew Hussey, Get The Guy)
Matthew Hussey addresses how to handle questions about your sexual history and the shame many people feel around virginity. He argues that confidence matters more than experience, and that honesty without over-explaining is the way forward.
Chapters
So recently we did a video on how to answer the question of how many people you've slept with. And it was an interesting video because it's a tough question to answer for some people, especially in the slightly double standard driven world that we live in where men don't want women to have slept with as many people as they have themselves slept with. So we decided we come up with a few answers for women. If you want to go find that, go see the last video. What can you say if a guy asks, how many people have you slept with? This video is a bit of an extension to that. We had a lot of people commenting and all different ranges of comments. There was one type of comment that came up, I think it's safe to say, Jameson, a lot more than we expected. And that was what do I say when my number of people that I've slept with is zero? I feel like this video is going to be a little controversial, but I'm okay with that. Jameson, are you okay with it? He's fine with it. He doesn't mind. I have committed myself to saving myself entirely for my future husband. It's not easy, but it's a gift that's worth saving. It's my promise to him. Now, even as a 30 something single, it is possible to do. It just requires commitment. What would you do in a situation where they ask, and I haven't slept with anyone before because I'm saving myself for marriage? I feel as though you can't really avoid the answer because there comes a point in relationships where he may want more. More. I too would like to know that even if it is for non religious reasons, I'm a virgin but it's not for religious reasons. I'm in university and a lot of the relationships I see are short term and based off the person they are having sex with for that month. What I find hard is when I'm on a date with a guy and when they ask me this question, I can't lie about me being a virgin. Especially if it's only like two dates in and they're asking me this question and when I'm honest with them they get really turned off by it and I never see them again. Now I'm a big believer in in baggage is only as heavy as you make it. So if a guy asks you how many people have you slept with? And you say, I don't really know how to say this but I'm a virgin all of a sudden you make it a thing. He now sees it as this big Deal. Because clearly you see it as a big deal. You wear it as a label. It defines you. You have to decide you yourself, to what extent this is going to be a big deal between you and the guy. For example, you can have someone who says, you know what? I haven't done it before because I haven't found someone that I really wanted to be that intimate with. And it's not that I have some big aversion to sex. I just. I want to find someone great to have it with. That can be very endearing. Now, let's be real. I'm not saying that a lot of guys aren't going to immediately have this reflex reaction of being scared of that scenario. The fact that you're a virgin will create reflex responses. But what will really define somebody's reaction is what your reasons are for being a virgin. And do you state them with confidence or do you state them with massive insecurity and baggage? This doesn't have to be this grand, momentous, mystical moment for you. I'm just going to say it right now. Your vagina is not your gift to the world. This isn't like the best part about you. And this is my thing to give. Like, who do I give my virginity to? You don't give your virginity to anyone. You have sex for the first time. That's it. There are many people watching this who have a sexual past who have had sex. And for you guys, for how many of you, was sex the first time your best time? In fact, you know what that would be. Jameson, let's get people writing in the comments. Like, for how many of you, did the first time just suck? It just was awkward and fumbling and clumsy. How often is your first time of anything amazing to the lovely lady that made the point about being in college and wanting something different than what everybody else wanted? I completely understand your sentiment, and I think it's lovely, actually. And I think, actually, you'd be surprised how many guys want to meet someone exactly like you at your age. Because I don't think you're asking for someone to marry you right now. You're just asking for the experience of having sex with somebody to mean a little more than some drunken fling or someone you're seeing for that month. You want it to feel like it's a real relationship. Well, I think you'll find that there are plenty of guys who share that belief system. And it's nothing to do with being religious or needing to find the one. They just want a little more meaning, too. I would be Very careful about separating yourself from the pack as much as you have. We tend to see things too black and white sometimes. I think the reality of your situation is that you do want to have this experience. You just don't want to feel used in the process, and you don't want to feel like it was meaningless. That's okay. There are plenty of those experiences to be had at university, so don't rule yourself out from it altogether. Whenever I'm addressing an issue that's as sensitive as this, my gauges, if this was. If I had a sister, if I had a daughter, what would I want them to hear in a video like this? Because I know I wouldn't want them to hear, just go have sex with as many people as possible and don't value it. Which I hope you'll agree, I haven't said at any point. But even still, with that difficult notion of someone you love and care about, your daughter, your sister, going out there and being sexual, which is always the easiest thing to imagine, I know that I would still want them to enjoy what is one of the most amazing parts of the human experience, sexual intimacy. It is a very special thing. Now, it's sometimes special for different reasons. Sometimes it's special because it's this moment of connection that you have with someone that you haven't known for a long time. And that can be special in its own way. You know, we call it a hookup, and we have all sorts of words for it that degrade the experience. But actually, a moment of passion with someone can be a really beautiful thing, even if it isn't lasting, even if it is transient. There's also the experience of being with someone you love and how special that moment of emotional connection can be. And that is its own unique and special experience. I'm not here to judge which experiences are right and wrong, because everyone has different beliefs on this spectrum. And I do think it's a beautiful thing to wait for somebody in certain contexts and to see it as a special thing with certain people. I don't think it's always as black and white as we like to see it. And I think too often there's a ridiculous and absurd amount of shame that comes with this area when there shouldn't be. We all do things over the course of our lifetimes that we do for experiences, but when we look back, we don't always agree with them ourselves, or we wouldn't always do it the exact same way. But we've done it. That's our past. That's who we are. And the same is true if you're a virgin right now. Your past is your past. That's what you've done up until now. But it doesn't have to define you and it doesn't have to be this badge that you wear. It can be just a fact about you until this point, and it won't be a fact about you forever. Because experiences will happen. And sometimes you might find that it's with the love of your life and you never have sex with anybody else. Or you might find that you find someone you want to be passionate with and it's not the love of your life, but it was a great first experience. Or guess what? You might think you found the love of your life and it turns out not to be. And then by the time you've met the love of your life, you're not a virgin anymore because you got it wrong the first time. This is your life. You're allowed to make mistakes. And guess what? You're allowed to enjoy sex. It's okay. And if we've built this up to a point where it's not fun anymore, and it fills us with dread and a thousand questions about what we should do and how do I communicate this and it's become my burden, then I think we've lost our way somewhere. I don't care what you do next, but I do want you to be happy. So that's it. Go enjoy. It's life supposed to be enjoyed. I'll see you soon.
