What Men REALLY Feel Insecure About With Your Past Partners | Matthew Hussey
Matthew Hussey, Audrey, and Stephen discuss why men feel insecure about partners' exes. Men compare themselves on strength, career, and toughness but hide these doubts, while women vocalize theirs. Social media amplifies both genders' comparisons, creating impossible standards shaped by fantasy archetypes like the "cool girl."
Chapters
When you're in a coffee shop and your ex walks in and you go, oh, God, my ex just walked in. He does not want to see a tatted up MMA fighter.
No.
That's the last thing he wants to see. Let's start with the men. I'm really fascinated to hear what did the men say in response to this question. what makes you insecure in early dating?
So I'll start with one of the top comments that was from David and that said, wondering how we compare to our competition slash her previous boyfriends can be a question. And this one came up a lot. Guys saying that they feel competitive or they are just imagining wondering how they compare to other men she has been with before. Does that seem surprising to you or on the money, Matt, for men?
No, I think that's absolutely on the money. And I don't believe that this is limited to being a male issue. I think this happens on both sides. We all have the potential to get insecure about what kind of standard are we coming up against. Here, you know, who am I competing with that you've already been with? And women can feel that, men can feel that. I suppose it's possible that men feel it in their own way, although I do think there's probably a lot of similarity. If a woman thought that the last person you were with was extremely gorgeous, then she might feel insecure about that. If a man knows that you are with someone who is incredibly handsome, he might feel insecure about that. I also think that factoring into that for men is sort of the toughness. How, you know, how tough women aren't thinking how tough was your last girlfriend, but men are thinking how tough was your, there's this, Caveman instinct, could I take him if I had to?
Like how much does he bench?
Right.
I don't think women are wondering like, well, what does he squat? Or what did the last girlfriend squat? There's that whole dimension of just strength and size.
When you're in a coffee shop and your ex walks in and you go, oh God, my ex just walked in. He does not want to see a tatted up MMA fighter.
No.
No. That's the last thing he wants to see.
That's interesting. I don't think instinctively I think about physical stature so much.
For you, if he was carrying a stack of books, you'd really be alarmed.
I think that was a low-key flex from Steve, for sure, 'cause he's like 6'3.
Right.
Oh, I don't— it didn't even really occur to me.
Right. But if he was like— if he walked in and got his coffee, Steve, but then he's sort of— His bookhold all fell open because it was slightly unzipped and out fell Kierkegaard.
The complete works of Tolstoy.
Exactly, exactly. He'd be... If Hitchens' letters to a young contrarian fell out, it would... Or he's some.
Tech genius or something.
Right, right. That would alarm you.
See, I think what I'm getting at is, is it so much that I think do men have a specific ego thing where they think, I want to be the best man she's ever known? Is it like a more of a general idea?
I think, no, I don't, I, well, maybe for some. I don't think all people, I don't think all men start with that level of ego. I think there is a kind of man that starts with that level of ego.
What are you trying to say?
Where he's.
I.
Well, no, I. I don't. I. I don't. I don't think you would be easily threatened, Steve. I also don't think you're the hyper competitive type in that area. I really don't. But I. I do think there is a kind of guy that wants to be, quote, the best you've ever had. I think that. there's another kind of guy that recognizes in his insecurity or vulnerability that he's never going to be a certain kind of guy. And that can go one of two ways. It can either make him feel sort of jealous if you are with a guy that's not what he is, or he's already given up that fight.
Right.
It's not. He's not trying to be that guy. So you were with some stud or whatever, and he's like, well, yeah, that's not my lane.
Or you were with some like Wall Street guy and he's like, I'm an arty guy. I'm not trying to get like millions of dollars.
Yeah, I think that sometimes people get insecure because someone has something they don't. Other times they can make peace with that part. And what makes them insecure is someone who's in their lane. If you get with someone or were with someone, who they feel is a direct kind of comparable to them, which is kind of why I joked about the book reference. But if you feel like someone's in your lane, it's like, if someone was a professor and the last person she dated was someone who's a Wall Street guy, he might feel nothing. But if suddenly he found out that her ex was an academic, he might be like, well, what line of academia was he in? Is it, oh, that Mickey Mouse line of academia? Like he might suddenly feel that. But I think it's really fascinating and I think it's so human and it's so primal because it goes to the heart of, Am I gonna be good enough? If what she's had already is something that I can't live up to is something that I don't think, that I think threatens my value, then am I really going to be worth enough for this person?
Do we want to ask Audrey if women have the same thing?
Yeah, of course. I think comparing yourself to people is really natural. I think it's different with women. I think we tend to compare ourselves maybe more physically than anything else, just because we've been told over and over again that that's the thing that men care the most about, even though a more evolved me knows that that's not entirely true. I think there is still some truth to that. And, and, you know, in the novel gone girl, yeah, cool girl. That's how she's describing that. And, you know, she's the girl who drinks beer and walks barefoot and never gets jealous and, you know, that with the guys and, and it's this. idea of cool girl and she always, you know, wants to sleep with him and it's just like this perfect non-neurotic being. And I sometimes think that as a woman, you, and it probably happens the same way with men, just their own version of it. It's almost the kind of ideal woman that has been created and curated by men. If you think that someone they've been with is closer to that woman, it can be a little bit unsettling because you just think, well, I have neuroses and I get jealous and I get insecure about things. And, you know, where does that fit in?
What if there was a gone guy movie? What would that passage say if it was being written by a bitter man who didn't like the perfect men that had been con, the perfect man that had been constructed in women's minds, probably.
An Incel screed about what chads are like or something like that. Probably a lot of things you could already find on Reddit, to be honest.
It'd be some guy with a perfectly chiseled jawline who's six foot three.
It's like Don Draper in a meeting.
He's got all the money in the world, but he doesn't care about it.
He's got a really high-powered career, but he can just go on holiday on the drop of a hat, just like go jet setting on a whim.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got like a world that relies on him, but whenever he's in the mood to spontaneously express love, which is exactly when you need it, he can just take you away for a trip.
Yeah, drop everything and just get on the helicopter.
You know, I think it's a really interesting point that Audrey made, though. I don't think that men feel like they're competing with a perfect image of a guy. in a woman's head. And I think women probably do feel like they're competing with not other women, the same way guys feel like they're competing with other guys. But women probably do think that they're competing with this strange Perfection in a guy's mind, the Instagram filter of a woman.
See, I'm. I don't know if that's. Perhaps there was a time where that was more true, but I think Instagram has ruined all that.
I think it's made it worse. What do you mean?
I'm saying for men, the idea that men aren't comparing themselves to other men. I think Instagram has introduced all of that insecurity to men as well because you're now, you know, you're looking at these guys who are out there who seem to be really impressive in their careers or in their businesses who seem to have these perfect lives who are incredibly toned and look incredibly masculine, who do something tough in their free time, who, you know, like people are looking at these guys who seem, I think men are now, they do have these very visual representations of guys who seem to have it all, and they're comparing themselves to those guys.
Oh, and I think a lot of modern men are more vain as well, physically vain.
I actually agree men are competing with other guys. Men are also competing with, I guess, the perfect image of a man in those guys' eyes. I suppose what I'm saying is that I don't think women are as fooled by that. So I think women aren't like they don't have the perfect man in their head the same way that men do.
See that, okay, so I get what you're saying. You're saying that for men, women have the fear that men really have bought into this image of the perfect woman and that she does exist and that's what they're searching for.
Oh, yeah, I think men are fooled by that a lot.
You're saying that women are not fooled by this idea of the perfect man. Stephen, I'm curious, do you agree with that? Or do you think that it is still incredibly common for women to have this idea of what a perfect guy or that there is this guy out there that they've been sold that doesn't exist, but they do believe in him.
I think there might be ideals that have been sold in stories and romances and things like that that are like fantasy male characters. But in general, I would say women do... There's a wide, maybe a wide range of different you can't rely on one woman being into the same thing. Like some woman thinks Johnny Depp's sort of kooky look is really for her, and some woman thinks it's more like Chris Pratt, a strapping muscular, some like a skinny, nerdy rocker guy. I think there's a lot of range in what women enjoy. So I think in a way there isn't like singular archetype, square-jawed Superman. There's a lot of women who that's not really their cup of tea so much. So I think women have quite. Yeah, I don't think they have a singular archetype so much.
I was going to say, Audrey, do you think that women still do have too many fantasies about the kinds of guys that are out there? Or do you think that they're much better at coming to terms with the reality of men than men are the reality of women?
I would say my non-educated opinion on it is. what you've just said, which is that we have come to terms with the reality of men more. I think women potentially learn quicker how to value certain things in men. I don't know if that's true to everybody, but I just, I wonder whether men chase attributes that aren't necessarily the attributes that are going to make them happy for a little bit longer because they have perhaps more shallow taste when it comes to what they're looking for in a woman. Whereas I think women, you know, they want to meet someone eventually who's going to be a good father and a trustworthy husband and a kind person to share their life with. I think they come to that conclusion perhaps a little bit quicker. But what I do think is women are able to vocalize these insecurities far easier than men can. So, you know, with your friends, if you're the guy you're seeing, you see his ex-girlfriend on Instagram, you are able to call up your friend and go, oh my God, she's beautiful. Here's a picture of her and talk about it and you're able to almost air out those insecurities, which just takes the wind out of them, right? Whereas I think men don't have that place to do that. I mean, I don't know, maybe you do, but I don't know if they do as much.
No, I think that's an incredibly astute point because men just don't tend to have that kind of a community around them. I mean, men struggle anyway, I think, much more than women do with making friends, with building connections. I think that the archetype or the kind of the idea of a guy growing old and sort of sad and lonely more than a woman, it holds water because I do think that women tend to invest in their friendships in a way that men don't. And a lot of guys, even if they have close friendships, they don't necessarily say those kinds of things. That kind of vulnerability is rewarded in some male circles. And I actually think it's gotten better. I think more men are willing to talk to each other about these kinds of things. But it's still so much worse than. Than women. For a guy to admit that he was. That he felt threatened by another man to his friends is a difficult thing to do.
Yeah, I don't think most men would say it. They would might say it as a joke. But not really.
Can we, I think it would be great, email in podcast@matthewhassi.com if there's, if you have or had an insecurity about someone your ex dated and let us know what it is. We can keep it anonymous if you like, but I think it would be fun just to read a couple more stories. I really think these help us understand we're not the only one with insecurities when we read these. So what's the situation you found yourself in where your insecurities ran wild comparing yourself with someone your partner had been with, or it could be your ex?
