What Should You Do If He’s Dating Multiple Women…

If they are dating multiple people and they're being intimate with multiple people, how do you sort of juggle that?

Well, you don't feel the need to move as fast as anyone else they're dating. We are talking today about people's fears when dating.

Yeah, we actually put something out on social media which was read, what is your biggest fear in early dating? And we had 1,350 comments. And people just basically shared with us their biggest fears. So we pulled out some of the most kind of recurring themes and the most relatable fears in early dating.

And I intentionally didn't look at these because I was like, I'm gonna wait and do this live on the show.

What percentage of these fears were spiders?

I would have put that one. I would have put that too.

In early dating.

Well, imagine you're dating someone spider in.

The kitchen and they need you to take it outside.

Right.

They're equally, if you imagine if you're.

Dating someone who's equally afraid of spiders.

Oh, it's worse. It's worse.

She's not afraid of spiders, but you're terrified.

And she's, that's us, isn't it?

Probably me and Audrey's relationship, actually.

Did anyone put the concept of infinity? Also, also scary if you think about it.

I think people are more concerned with things ending in dating, Steve, than they are worried about infinity.

What I was thinking that we could do is if I read out to you guys some of those fears and you guys can maybe come up with ways of reframing those fears for people, because I think that will be really, really useful for our listeners, you know, methods and tools to actually overcome those kinds of fears, because they are really common in early dating and the same stuff did come up over and over again. So you guys ready?

Let's do it.

Number one, somebody wrote that they are at the stage of dating multiple women. So this is interesting, right? Because people have different standards when it comes to exclusivity in the beginning. And it can be really difficult, especially.

When.

People want to rush into things physically and intimately. We actually had an email the other day from one of our podcast listeners who said that, she's been dating someone and they're pushing them to have sex, but they won't hold their hand in the street. And she finds that really bizarre. And there was something in that that I thought was interesting. You know, what she's bringing up is this idea of, you know, if they are dating multiple people and they're being intimate with multiple people, I might get hurt because that might not be my standard. So how do you sort of juggle that?

Well, you don't, you don't feel the need to move as fast as anyone else they're dating. I think that's a big key. It's like you can be okay. I don't fine, if you don't want to hold hands, that's okay. But I'm not gonna then do all of this other stuff behind closed doors.

And don't make me feel like the weird one, because it is a nice frame that she put it and that you just reiterated with the hand holding where it's like, why is it weird that I would want to hold hands and it's not weird that you would like to have sex? Like, that's, that's so inverted. Yeah.

And it's a, and by the way, it should be a kind of, that should be a bit of a red flag. I'm not saying it should be a, a note against someone's, a mark against someone's character, but it should be a red flag in terms of the way this person is treating dating, because if they're more ready to jump into bed with you than they are, hold their hand, hold your hand, this is a person who's not necessarily open to connection. This is a person who's not open to a kind of a much more genuine form of intimacy. They're just trying to, you know, have their cookie. They're not trying to actually build anything with you, or they're not trying to see where this could go. So I think you should see it as a red flag. I think it's worth not being afraid of, but it's worth if someone's in that place, slow them down. to the point that they're asking you to slow down to. If they're like, I don't want to hold hands, then that's fine. But let's slow everything down to that point then.

I don't want to make out with you. Don't speed up.

Don't speed up to the. To the level that. Of the other people you think they're dating. Because you won't. That's not a race that's worth winning. It doesn't lead you to where you want to go, and it won't suddenly make them go, oh, my God, you're so much better than the other people I'm sleeping with because you slept with me twice as fast. that's not going to help you.

You want to put it as it's a race to the bottom, which I.

Thought was a very euphemistic phrase.

Smartie.

What about this one?

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Somebody else wrote that what they're afraid of in early dating is getting too invested too quickly. Probably the most relatable thing I've ever read in my life. Don't we all feel that? What do you think?

I think I reframe you know, it's like if you're in that stage where you're texting someone you like and you end up in the, the position of waiting by the phone for their next text. I think if that happens, something in your framing of what this person does for you has gone wrong because you don't know this person very well and you're kind of now reliant on them for your validation, and something has gone really strange if that's happening, so. I try and clear the decks in those moments and you just gotta be like, everything that this person invests or everything they prove to me that they're great is upside. And if they don't, then nothing's changed. Like, it's the same as before I met them. It's the same as after I met them. So if they keep proving to me that they're a great person, I text them, I'm going to be enthusiastic and positive, and if they don't, I'm like, okay, cool. Like, nothing lost. I'm still gonna keep up all the things that were important to me before I knew this person existed. I'm gonna keep being out there, have great friends, have great adventures, have a great life. And if they're on board for that, amazing. That's cool. But I'm not gonna now suddenly change my whole frame of what's important to me and what determines my happiness based on whether. this person decides I'm important or not, important enough to text back.

Very good. Anything else to add?

Yeah, I think the, the, I'm afraid I'll get obsessed too quickly is a, is a kind of, it's almost a, a way of abdicating responsibility, as if to say the power is outside of me. Someone can come along and do this to me. and I will be out of control at that point. So the way you have to turn, I'm afraid I'll become too obsessed with, you have to change that to, I currently don't feel I can trust myself. And then you have to say, well, why don't I trust myself? What do I do? when I decide I like someone that is counterproductive, that hurts me, that hurts my confidence, that takes over my life and then start to actually look at those behaviors. Where are they coming from? Why am I doing this? And what can I do differently next time I decide I like someone? And while I'm in the process. What's this like based on the ways that I've decided I like someone to the point of using that word obsession? What is that based on?

And.

And can I, with any real credibility, say that these reasons are valid reasons to be obsessed with someone? and, and I think that one of the things that can help people is just to look at it as there's no, there's, there should be no amount of things a person could do in 24 hours or one week that makes your entire mind up about them, especially to the point of Obsession, which is a kind of not a good word in any context, really. That, you know, obsession doesn't describe healthy love. So obsession shouldn't be the goal. But in the first couple of weeks, there should really be nothing someone could do that would make you make your mind up about how great they'll be as a partner in five years. Yeah, those things can only be revealed with time. You can have the greatest time on earth on vacation with, like, a friend you just met on vacation, and you're just. Everyone's had that moment where they come back from a vacation, and there was just someone they met by the pool, and they're just like, whoa, they were the best. But you don't know who that person is in their actual life. You don't know what kind of a friend that person would be. You just know you had fun with them, and that's a very different thing. The. The importance that someone takes on in your life should be predicated. not on how much of a great time did I have with them, but which is, by the way, yes, that's a prerequisite that I have a great time when I'm with them, but much, much more than that. We, you know, in business, you, the reason you do bigger and bigger deals with someone in business is because you tried something with them. You learned that they were an authentic, sincere person. You learned they had integrity. You learned when they said they would email you, they did. You learned that when they said they would pay you, they paid you. You learn these things that make you go, oh, that's built credits in the bank, in this relationship that make it worth exploring what else we might do together. But you don't just do the biggest deal of your life with someone because they were really charismatic on your first meeting and they really impressed you with how smart they are. 'Cause you don't really know a lot else about them and you don't know how great of a partner they would be. That's how you get scammed, by the way. That's how scams work, is I try to front load all of this trust that is not based on any kind of long-term engagement so that I can get more value from you than I'm ever going to give you. So be careful with that Obsession in the beginning. It's based on something that's a gross overvaluation of early qualities you've seen.

I would add to that as well. Don't overvalue them and actually recognize that, you know, the reason you are obsessed with that person is because of what they represent to you in your head, the story you've built around them and the way that you hope that meeting them will somehow save you from a reality that you're existing in, whether it's, I don't want to be on my own. I really want to meet someone. I really want a family. Don't let all of that and all of that hope and all of that desire just fall on the shoulders of somebody who, as you say, you barely know because that gives them way more power than they deserve.

Fantastic point.

My maxim on this is people overvalue attributes and undervalue behavior. People look at attributes, height, job, looks, charisma, all the rest, like a top Trumps card, and they undervalue everything the person's actually doing.

I want to add to that. Cause I think that's great. But I almost want to say they overvalue attributes and they also overvalue early behavior.

Or they overvalue behavior that doesn't have to do with them. What I want to say to this is don't obsess about the person. If you're going to obsess about anything, obsess about the relationship you actually have with that person.

How they are with you in relation to you.

Like see how ridiculous that is like, if you really have a great relationship with somebody, then like, okay, allow yourself to be like, I'm obsessed with what we built together. I'm obsessed with the chemistry we have even. I'm obsessed with us. But if you're like sitting there just obsessing about the person, then that can.

Just be a one-way street. Yeah, it's literally just an objectification of that person. It's not an assessment of the relationship.

You have with them. And so what Steve is saying, I think, is like, behaviors, but it's like, yeah, behaviors with you, you know? Like, like how, what kind of, what kind of value does, do they actually add to your life?

And look, I, I'm, I don't want to say, I, I hate saying this in a way because it sounds unromantic and it sounds like I'm sucking all of the life out of anything good in early dating. I'm not, I'm just tempering enthusiasm a little bit because I would say Even their behavior in relation to you is something that has to play out over time. And you don't know. Just all you have to say to yourself is, I don't know who they'll be in week 52. I only know how they're treating me today or what they say they want today. And that's okay. I don't have to be cynical about it, but I also I also shouldn't suddenly make these huge bets right now. All I'm really doing is betting another week or another month and seeing what happens there instead of deciding that what the value of this thing will be in a year, which is complete science fiction. And the obsession is often that we're already valuing what this will be in a year or in five years. or in 10 years. And we're obsessed with what that could be, but where there's no sense of presence about what it actually is right now.

So instead of getting carried away, you just have to say to yourself, see what happens.

See what happens.

We'll see how it goes. Let's see. But it's true.

It's been really fun. It's been really fun so far. I'm, you know, excited to see you today. Let's see what happens.

Yeah, it's super common, though, and I, and I think Yeah, I think great, great one to write in. And it came up in various different forms, but it's a real practice, isn't it, to just sort of develop self-awareness and realize why am I obsessing? Why am I feeling this way? And is this really worth it? I think it's really relatable, I felt, reading it.

It's, by the way, so easy to talk about from the outside and so hard when it's happening to you. And that's the, you know, I, I don't say any of this just to pretend that it's easy. I say all of this because you need to, if you're in this space, you need to hear this from somebody else who's not drunk. If you're drunk, you need to hear from something. You don't want another drunk person helping you make the decision. Yeah, you, you need a sober person helping you make the decision right now, and. I want to make this last point. The thing that helps me the most, anytime I'm overvaluing something in my life, and it can happen easily in business, is you get an opportunity and it's something that feels sexy and it feels exciting and immediately you're like, oh my God, I really want this thing to happen. You go from, you didn't even get this email until this morning. Like yesterday it wasn't even a thing that you were thinking about and now you've got the email and is on your radar, and you're suddenly confronted with the possibility that this amazing thing is going to happen. And then all of a sudden, you find yourself spending all day thinking about it when you didn't know it existed yesterday as an opportunity. I make a practice of reminding myself that this is one of many things that are really great in my life. And by the way, this isn't even one of the great things in my life. This is a possibility. The things that I actually really value, the writing that I'm doing, the team that I have, the podcast that I love doing, the YouTube videos, the following we have, those things are real. That's actually great. This is just possibly great. These other things are actually great. So, they're worth 10 times more right now than this thing that feels really exciting. So, don't let something that's not actually great dominate and monopolize your attention away from things in your life that are actually great. Thanks for watching the video. I hope you enjoyed it. Before you go, head on over to moveonstrong.com where I give a free video training for anybody who is struggling to move on from someone in their life. Check it out at moveonstrong.com and I'll see you there.