What To Do When He Won't Say 'I Love You'

I'm good. My name is Molly.

And what was your question?

Basically, I've been dating this guy for about a year and a half now. And he's someone who, you know, we have said we loved each other. And he did initially say at first it did take a little while, probably about eight months into our relationship. But since then, he only says it to me about I'd say maybe every few months. And I mean, I feel that he does, but I guess I just would like to hear it more. And I brought it up a couple times, but nothing has really changed.

Tell me, take me through how you brought it up when you brought it up to him.

So I guess I kind of said, you know, it was very awkward for me. So I kind of. I kind of preface by just saying, like, well, I just kind of wanted to say that, you know, this is awkward for me to bring up, but, you know, I. Hearing this, like, does really mean a lot to me, and i'm someone who, I guess, says it a lot, so. And I haven't been because I feel weird being the only one who says it. so I just wanted to say that, you know, just kind of put that out there. And, you know, I didn't, like, say you have to say this or anything, but I just kind of put it out there that I did like hearing it and that I am someone who has been used to kind of saying that. I just was kind of raised in a way where you say that a lot.

So.

So what was his reaction to that? What did he say?

His reaction was this kind of. Hard to read, I guess. Just seemed a little uncomfortable. And, you know, he said he was nice about it. I mean, he said, yeah, you know, that makes sense and everything. And so I thought, maybe, oh, okay, we're good. He understands and that'll change things. But then it didn't really. And I feel weird, you know, continuing to bring it up. So just not really sure if it's something that I just kind of, it's a lost battle or, if there's kind of a, another approach I could take.

Well, I guess, firstly, if, let's say, for argument's sake, he remains unexpressive with his words in that way.

Yeah.

Would you still want to be with him long term if that pattern continued? And there's no right answer to that. I'm just curious.

Right.

I mean, I I wouldn't want to break up with him just because, you know, he doesn't say I love you every week or something, you know, but it is really hard. I mean, it would definitely be something that would be really difficult for me.

So is it, but is it just with the words, you know, I love you? Or do you find that he's not expressive enough in other ways that he doesn't share his feelings or he doesn't, you know, he doesn't compliment you or talk about how he feels about you enough in general?

Like he'll compliment me, but not really like saying very affectionate things like I might say.

So.

You know, it's one thing he'll tell me like, you look really nice or you know, things like that or, but he doesn't kind of come out and say like, I don't know, like just kind of affectionate things that aren't about like compliments or, something like that.

So here's my concern initially, although you may say, you know, I wouldn't want to break up with him because he doesn't say, I love you enough. And I, you know, I think it's worth mentioning that it's not like you're saying, I want him to say it four times a day. And right now he only says it once a day. He, if you're saying he says it every few months, that's really not even close to him being expressive. on the level that you want him to be.

Right.

And that usually isn't contained to just the words, I love you. You know, very often it speaks to someone's lack of expression in other ways too, in a more general sense. That's the part that worries me, is if you're very affectionate, you know, I'm like you, I was raised very with a very affectionate, loving family who were really good with their words. in the way that they express their love. And I know that it's important to me to be with someone who understands that and reciprocates. It's a big deal for me. It's not just a question of like, oh, I find these words important and they don't. It's that I am looking for someone who is truly expressive in the way that I would want my life partner to be. and, you know, when you, there are two questions, really. One is you have to make sure that you're not settling for something that is way beneath the standard of expressiveness that you really want long term.

Yeah.

The second issue, I think, is how you communicate that to him. And in the way that you communicate with him, I would come back to that bigger issue rather than making it about necessarily the words I love you, which, you know, sometimes, sometimes when we over focus on those words, we can end up looking kind of childish or like we're, you know, we need them to say these words when they feel it and they're showing us in other ways. But what I would, I would not necessarily make it about those words all the time, but make it about his level of expression and saying, look, I, you know, it may seem to you like I'm just talking about the words I love you, but the reality is I want to be with someone who isn't afraid to express themselves. Yeah, I wanna be with someone who is, who doesn't hold back in being affectionate with their words. That's, that's really, really important to me. And I, you know, tell him, I want you to help me understand. where that comes from for you. Is it, is it that you don't feel the same way, in which case, okay, great. At least I know, you know, is it, is it that you just don't care to be expressive in that way? You know, where does that come from? From, for you? Because I really want to understand that. And, yeah, I want you to understand that I'm not trying to be a nag here. That's the last thing I want to do. And truthfully, the last thing I want to do is persuade you to say things that, that are expressive and beautiful and affectionate because, you know, that, that then they'll cease to be as beautiful if I feel like I've had to persuade you to say them. So trust me when I say the last thing I want to do is persuade you to say them.

Right.

But I also have to, you know, I, I need you to know that I want to be with a person who expresses themselves. And you are an amazing man and I love this about you and this about you and this about you. There are so many things I think are amazing. But I just, I need that expression because it's important to me. That I think is, you may have had the conversation before, but I think there's possibly a level of expression that can come from you Now in the way that you show him that this isn't about you trying to be difficult. It's not about you trying to be a nag or trying to tell him he has to do certain things or prescribe his words. No, what this is about is the standard you want for your relationship and the way that you are affectionate with somebody in your relationship. And who can argue with that?

Right. Yeah.

And I mean, I guess I should also mention that he did tell me that he just my head and his family, they don't say that a lot. And it's not something that, like, they didn't, you know, like, my family and I will always say that even hanging up the phone with each other and things like that. And he said that that is not the case in his family. So we did, I did kind of ask that, too. But, but you know what I would say to him?

I'd say, look, there are ways that I have grown up or things that You know, that I have habits that I have that I'm sure you will want me to compromise on or there are things that I'll need to work on for you. And I respect that, you know, and I always want you to be honest with me if there are things that I need to work on or things that would help you feel loved or you feel important. I always want you to tell me those things. and this is just one of those moments where I'm telling you that I accept the way you grew up and the family you were in, but it's also important to me that our relationship isn't just a reflection of all the relationships you've had so far. Our relationship is a new relationship and because it's new and because it's a different relationship, it doesn't have to operate the same way as your other relationships.

Yeah.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Well, go and try having those conversations. Never be afraid to meet them head on. And the key with this is to come across as neutral and loving in the way that you communicate it and that this is about mutual respect. This is about a standard you have for your relationship. You're not trying to hate on him. You're not trying to tell him he's wrong. It's not about right or wrong. It's, you know, it's not right that some people are more expressive and wrong that other people, you know, there's no right or wrong here. The point is, it's about what you need in a relationship. It's about the standard you want for your relationship. It has nothing to do with right or wrong. So I would say that to him. I'm not trying to tell you there's nothing you're doing wrong. It's just that there's a style of communication that is really important to me in a relationship, and I need to know that that you're prepared to make that important to you because it's important to me.

So pointing a finger at me instead of at him.

Exactly. Exactly. You're making it about your standard, not about him doing something wrong.

Right.

That makes sense. Yeah.

Fantastic.

Well, thank you.

Molly, it's been a pleasure. It's a great question. And I, you know, I think that you're articulate and intelligent enough to go and have this conversation with him the right way. Just don't be afraid of it. And don't be afraid of being upfront and bold about it. Because if you're coming from a kind place, you can be as bold as you want.

Yeah.

And I did want to also say before you go, just thank you, because I have been following you for a long time. And before this relationship, I was single for quite a few years. And I did buy one of your online packages, and it really, really helped me a lot. and I feel like move me forward in many ways. So I did just want to say thank you for that.

That's so lovely to hear, Molly. Thank you so much for saying that. I really do appreciate that. Keep doing what you're doing, okay? Stay proactive and be brave and good luck. Thank you.