When He's Too Needy For You... - Matthew Hussey, Get The Guy

Hello, everyone. It is Matthew Hussey here with Love Life. We are excited today because we have another caller on the line. There has been the criticism recently that people have been thinking that it's the same caller calling in every time because the voice always sounds the same. I have no idea why that is. So I'm just secretly praying that this voice sounds really different from the others. We shall see. We have our caller ready for us, I think. Jessica, are you there? Jessica?

Hello?

Hi.

Hi. How are you?

I'm good. I thought you couldn't hear me for a moment, but now.

I can hear you now.

Right in the world. What was your question? Lovely.

Okay, so I just got in a relatively new relationship, and I found out that my partner is slightly codependent and I'm a very independent person. So I was wondering how I can deal with that or what do I say to him? Like, he needs a lot of time with me and I need some time to myself sometimes.

Is it. Is it. In what way? Is it far too much he wants to see every day? Or what's the. What's the big difference in how much you want to see him and how much do you want?

Well, no, it's. It's. I'm a very busy person because I'm in grad school, so I'm always. I mean, I'm working. So when I do have free time, I do see him, but it's sometimes I'm just, like, so tired that I just want to stay home and not do anything. And that includes not going out and seeing anybody.

Is he not working?

He works full time, so he's busy. Relatively, yes. He has a 9 to 5, so after that he's not busy.

So you're busy on the evenings because you're also sometimes working, and if you're not working, sometimes you want to be on your own.

Exactly. And he was telling me the other day how he absolutely cannot stand being alone. And I was like, oh, that's a problem.

Right. Well, I think the first thing always is to be compassionate, especially when you like someone or you care about them. It's always important to be compassionate. That doesn't mean you have to agree with them on everything, but just being compassionate. The second part is having some empathy where you say, okay, you know, I can relate to times, maybe in my life where I didn't want to be on my own or even if it wasn't a certain period of my life, I can relate to nights where I don't want to be on my own or where I like someone so much that I really just want to see them all the time. And maybe he's in that stage right now, but if he's expressed to you that he doesn't like being on his own, the next stage after obviously being empathetic, is actually to speak to him and to let him know that there are certain nights that you like being on your own. It has nothing to do with him and not wanting to see him. It has to do with you enjoying your own space now and again and having things that you really want to do. And, you know, maybe it's also the case that sometimes some things you want to do, you need to focus on. And in order to focus, you need to be on your own. You can't always be next to somebody else because you know it will distract you. You could even throw in a little compliment there and say, having you around is a massive distraction. You know, maybe. Maybe you even make it a little suggestive. You know, when you're around, I just want to jump you. And I can't have that all the time while I'm trying to work. So there are ways to make it playful, there are ways to compliment him, but at the end of the day, you do have to speak to him about it, because if that resentment just builds in you, then you're going to crack one day and he's not even going to know why all of a sudden you're so angry and want to leave. Does that make sense?

Yes, it does. The problem is, I try to talk to him about it and he took it very personally. So I was like, oh, no, of course not. Personal.

That's what human beings do. We ask everyone to be honest. And then as soon as everyone's honest, we say, why are you being so mean? That's people. And by the way, there'll be times in your life where someone has been honest with you and you took it personally when it wasn't something that was that personal. So, you know, that's where I say compassion comes in, because you gotta. You gotta allow him to be hurt in that moment and say, look, I know you feel hurt by it, but I can promise you it's not about you. It has nothing to do with my feelings for you. It just has to do with, you know, time that I enjoy spending on my own. And by the way, at the end of that night, on my own, it just makes me even more excited to see you the next night. And it's important that you show that to him at the end of that time. Of being alone that you are then excited to see him the following evening or whenever you. Whenever it is you are going to see him. And if, of course, you don't feel excited to see him the next night, then you might want to question whether it's really about the two of you wanting different times apart or whether it's how much you like the guy.

Okay, I see that.

Do you like him?

I do. I like. Well, yeah, it's like I said, it's a new relationship and it's.

How new is, like, him.

And I like the idea of him. And he is, like, very good on paper and he's great. It's just when I. I found out this codependency thing recently, and he's very affectionate. Like, overwhelmingly affectionate.

And why he kisses you too much.

Yes, let's, let's, let's. Yeah. Okay. We could say that it's. Oh, like wave after wave of affection. And I don't.

He has a higher sex drive than you, apparently. Okay, well, we got to it, didn't we? So. Okay, so he wants sex a lot. And right now you don't want to sex as much as him, and that's causing some conflict as well. So he takes it personally when you reject him for sexual.

Yeah, but it's just like, I've tried to explain to him that, like, I'm just not accustomed to that much affection because that's not what I've been through in my previous relationships. It was always like, we were both very independent people, very busy, and it was just like, okay, so he has a lot more free time on his hands, and he's lived with past girlfriends, so I don't see why he's more affectionate. But I'm just.

That won't solve the sex issue. I'll tell you that now. There's a difference between the time issue and the sex issue. The time issue is, you know, you like being on your own sometimes and you have lots to do and you're a busy person and. And that's one thing. Being together and then having different drives towards sex is a different thing that won't go away with solving the time problem necessarily. So that, you know, I would look at those two things sort of independently. And you're going to have to judge this as you go along, you know, to. Is it possible for one person to be busier than the other right now, and that's causing the less busy person insecurity? Yes, that's entirely possible. Is it possible that that person then becomes busier and gets more going on in their life, and then that evens it out. Of course. Is it harder to get over when someone is just plain insecure on the inside and feels always rejected when that person isn't spending time with them? That's a little harder, because now what you're really asking this guy to do is to become more confident for you, and that's a big ask. You don't have control over him in that respect. And if he's already creating problems now, chances are those problems will still be there a year from now, but they'll be frustrating you even more, and you'll feel claustrophobic and suffocated. The sex issue, if the two of you don't have the same sex drive right now, that's something that's not all that easy to resolve. And I'll just be honest about that. There's plenty of people listening right now hating me for saying that. But it's just the truth. The whole sex life thing, when it's right, it's not that hard. Two people do want to be together. They do find that they tend to be compatible on a sexual level. And I have only found. And, you know, obviously I'm speaking about my friends here. I'm not speaking about me in any way, but I have only found that if in the beginning, one person wants sex much more regularly than the other, that that problem tends to get worse, not better. And I don't mean that it gets worse in the sense of it. You grow more and more apart in that sense. I simply mean that the resentment and the frustration and the rejection become even bigger once you pass that initial little honeymoon phase. So just pay attention to that, and don't kid yourself that everything will change later on. And be honest about the things that, you know, where you actually might not be the same person.

Mm. Yeah. Because I really like him, and I don't want to, like, end the relationship, and I don't want to even think about that. But the constant.

It sounds like. It sounds like you kind of like him. It doesn't. It doesn't seem like you really like him. It seems like you sort of like him a little bit. It seems like you like. It was interesting when you said, I like the idea of him. No one who really likes someone says, I like the idea of them. Oh, Jessica.

I know. I know.

Right? So go find someone you really like.

But I. I know. I know. But I like him.

I know. Yeah, we all like a lot of people.

Yes.

Okay, well, there's more people you can kind of like out there.

I sure hope so.

Yeah. Stop being a coward. Go meet someone you really like.

Okay. I will attempt.

All right, listen. You're going to be fine. You're going to be fine. Just make sure that you're not kidding yourself, that you're in something that you like, that you're telling yourself you like it more than you really do, because that leads to much worse pain. You want to be with someone that you're head over heels for. And if this is new, the truth is, Jessica, you should probably be fighting the urge to spend all of your time with him. That's the truth. Like, I'm not saying you should be spending all your time with him. I think that also is death to a new relationship. But the truth is, when we're crazy about someone, we're fighting the urge not to spend more time. We're fighting the urge to spend more time with them. We're trying to say, oh, God, I really should go to that yoga class today. I really should eat something today. Shouldn't. I haven't eaten in three days. We've just been together all the time and I've forgotten to eat. We sort of go into that mode rather than thinking, God, how do I just get rid of him for a few days? You know that that tends not to be the place we're in when we're head over heels for someone. Anyway, just a thought. You ponder on that and let me know six months from now where you are. All right?

Absolutely.

Jessica, you're brave. You're courageous. I appreciate you being so honest. That's what makes these calls so amazing and will help not just you, but so many other people out there. So we appreciate you.

All right. Thank you.

Lovely. Take care.

Have a good day.

All right, you, too. Bye.